Losing time.

Lady readers and gentlemen readers, the NB is having some emergency lyposuction tomorrow, so we will be taking until Monday to recover. Please stay well. We look forward to seeing your shiny faces next week, when we should, skinny fingers crossed, be at our non-bulemia-achievable goal weight of 8.5 pounds. Ta-ta, and don't forget to set your clocks ahead!

Love to loathe you, baby.

The reason we read the New York Press once a year.

Tyra banks on booblessness.

Take a good look at these...



...because they're about to start collecting social security. Unfortunately, that's the good news.

The Surreal Death.

The first cast of VH1's new reality show, "The Surreal Death," has been announced. The NB is proud to break the story. The lucky seven are...


Dana Plato...


Dick York...


Sharon Tate...


Big Pun...


Michael Landon...


Vicki Sue Robinson...


...and, in the nick of time, Johnnie Cochran.

We greatly look forward to this program, especially to see how the corpse of Big Pun interacts with that of Dick York. Thanks, VH1!

Where the word takes you.

Sometimes, when you're really bored, you just enter simple words into your Web browser. Here's a short* list of where some common words will get you:

and—yuck.
the—yucker.
sorry—aw.
are—quiz.
dumb—smart.
send—don't.
but—fascination.

*It was supposed to be longer, but we got tizzired. Honestly, this is really lame, but we didn't want our hard work to go unnoticed. Feel free to add more in the comments section, dudes.

Measure of an ambassador.

We think it's nifty when people help other people. We also are obsessed with Clay Aiken. So, when Clay Aiken helps people, we go bananas. According to this article, Clay recently visited children in areas affected by the Tsunami®. But, imagine our shock when we got to this sentence, "The 26-year-old "Invisible" singer, who became a UNICEF ambassador late last year..." Wha? Clay Aiken is a UNICEF ambassador? Well, we did minimal research and visited the UNICEF site. America, not only are you being internationally represented by the likes of a Mr. Clay Aiken, but your tremendous goodwill is being spread by such luminaries as Shakira, Alyssa Milano, Téa Leoni, Ricky Martin and Mia Farrow. Obviously, we just put in our application because we're dying to go to Italy and we're nearly as famous as Alyssa Milano.



Anyway, here's something ten times better than any of that: Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken. (We just applied for that, too.)

Code read.

Thirty-five years after it was published, an actual good reason to open the Da Vinci Code.

The Surreal Life 5.

America, here's your newest "Surreal Life" cast:


Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth...


Janice Dickinson, one of the world's first supermodels...


Balki, sans Cousin Larry...


Pepa, which we think is the one on the right...


Jose Canseco...


Something called Caprice...

...and Cory Hart, though not the Corey Hart who wore sunglasses at night. This Cory Hart is some kind of motocross champion, so, obviously, we couldn't bebothered to find a picture of it.

All in all, it sounds OK. The Omarosa-Dickinson dynamic should be entertaining. For about five minutes. Before we shoot ourselves. Our favorite part of all this is the Scotsman article, linked above, in which Flavor Flav is spelled "Flavour Flav." So fancy!

Paige DeAngelo: critic, gourmand, enlightener

OK, so Gawker brought this to our, and probably your, attention, but it's really just so unbelievably priceless that we had to excerpt a few of our favorite bits. What you need to know is that two southern belles decided to go on a trip to NYC, and one wrote her own tour guide for a site called Juicee News.

Here are the girls, Paige (the authoress) and Shelley:


Now, before we quote from the guide, please understand that the NB adores visitors to NYC (except for those who talk during shows). No, really, we do. We think NYC is muy fantastico, and we think everyone should experience being harrassed by a hobo in Nikes at least once in his or her life. The city thrives on tourism, so we welcome visitors. If we choose to avoid you, do not take it personally.

That said, here are our favorite Paige DeAngelo tour guide bits:

"I recommend [Central Park] as a place to go when you have nothing else to do. A great place for alone time."

"A good place to eat is Tavern on the Green."

"Chelsea was one of my favorites areas in the city. There is a lot going on and not too many tourists. The buildings are my favorite. The architectural aspect of them is amazing!"

"The West Village is my favorite! I thought it was very clean and not sketchy at all."

"There is a great bakery on Bleeker called the Magnolia Bakery. All they have are cupcakes. And it's across from a little playground that has benches for you to sit on while you stuff your face with cupcakes. This is an area where you could spend many days. So much is going on. But it is not like FRIENDS. Don't let that fool you."

"I didn't make it to Little Italy. But I hear if you want great pasta, it's the place to go. I didn't go to China Town either. It just didn't seem appealing. But, I hear they have some really good Green Tea ice cream."

"I got to sit on the front row of Chicago. A great show, very simplistic. They wear the same costume, and carry any props they use."

"In closing, there are a few things that one most posses in order to look like a local in New York (I only had one of the items). Number One: a black winter coat. If you wear anything that is not black, navy, gray, or brown, you will be seen for blocks. Number Two: an iPod. On the subway, 1 out of 2 people has one. My favorite thing to do was get as close as possible without scaring the other person, to hear what they were listening to. I heard lots of rap. And Number Three: a dog of some breed."

This may well be the gayest thing ever.

The wonderful World of Wonder directed us to this colorful performance. Way back when, we said that two songs that should never, ever be performed or recorded ever again in the history of the world ever were "What a Wonderful World" and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." We have now been shown that certain exceptions should be made, and we stand humbly corrected.

Dirty Engrish.

Click on upscale, sumtuous Mouth Pet for more NSFW Srender Girls. Thank you for your supports of our encouragments.

Actors require attention too, earth.

Fuck you, Indonesia. Taking up all the headlines again and relegating this to the bottom section of MTV.com's homepage. It's really important that method mustaches get as much press as possible or they're likely to disappear forever. Please remember that next time you're feeling unloved, asshole Sumatra.

We just threw up a little in Austrian.

Leather headband and tooth necklace good. Political office bad.

GLAAD rags.

Jessica Lange was honored at the 16th Annual GLAAD Media Awards. Unfortunately, her scary facelift had to appear, as well...



Oh, Jesse, you were so pretty. Those quickie Thailand plastic surgery jaunts sound attractive, but you shouldn't actually sign up for one. Don't you watch "60 Minutes," Jess?

In related news, a gay owl was there...



..as was a lesbian...

That's our J-Lo!

Totally unconfirmed but totally worth spreading, especially because we just adore the snarky Superficial.

Falling "Star."

Star magazine has this for us today:



Um, let's see... they're both on "American Idol," so the answer obviously is neither. But you knew that, Star. You're all pretending to be on the outside when you can predict babies years before Britney Spears figures out that K-Fed's minnie drescher doesn't just go in her mouth, so what's with this shit? We are not amused.

Li'l Nanny.

According to Zap2It.com, Minnie Drescher is "eyeing a sitcom future." We were a li'l bit excited, as everyone and his mother works during pilot season in LA, and we love us some Minnie Drescher. Then we actually read the article, which basically lets us know that Minnie Drescher would like to be in a TV show. Well, right now, hon, we're eyeing a dirty martini. Color us both disappointed.

Horror & Mortification

Non-courtesy of towleroad, the bestest building in New York City, ruined. We don't care if it's on a scaffold—don't fuck with the Flatiron! Or do. We have no say.

Alicia Silverstone is a huge, enormous dyke.

Sorry, gentlemen, this gal clearly and unmistakably likes the ladies. Don't even try to get with her. She may have a shiv, like every dyke does.

Bye, bye, butler.

Who's your nanny now?

Empty promise.

Sandra Bullocks says she's giving up romantic comedies. We're hoping "romantic comedies" is Bullock-speak for "movies." Fingers crossed.

That's Bushterchenment!

From today's New York Daily News, which means it must be true:

The Republican media strategist who died at actress Carrie Fisher's Beverly Hills home on Oscar Saturday OD'd on a deadly cocktail of cocaine and painkillers.

A coroner's report was released last week on the death of 42-year-old R. Gregory Stevens, who served as co-chairman of the Bush/Cheney Entertainment Task Force. The D.C. dealmaker was also employed by Washington lobbyists Barbour Griffith & Rogers.

"People in Hollywood have been trying to keep this very quiet," one Left Coast source said. "Carrie is still very close to her ex-husband [powerhouse agent] Bryan Lourde"

More east.

Somebody just told us something about Good Friday and that we don't have to work anymore today because of it. We don't know what it is, but research seems to show that it has something to do with Ted Neely. Anyway, if you partake of this Good Friday, enjoy it. If not, lick a Christian for good luck. The NB will return on Monday for an abbreviated week of mediocrity. Later!

Cagney & Lacey & time.

&

The Exxon Vazquez.

Somebody please clean this accident up.

BFF!

We're going to miss you, Minnie Drescher! Stay sweet over the summer, girl! Let's have plans! Call us!

O'mah god.

OK. By now, every blog and its dirty mother has linked this, but the terrorists will have won if we don't link it, too. Non-courtesy of the rascally Jossip.com, here are creepy Pat O'Brien's dirty phone messages. Eat your black, black heart out, Bill O'Reilly.

The car was a little pitchy.

Paula, you really raised the bar for hit-and-runners everywhere. Good job. I'm proud of you.

Totally hammered.

Come on, people, she's 70. Maybe she thought her friend was a nail. Ladies? Ladies?

Spoiled brat.

Thanks to this site, you can engage in the scintillating water cooler chit-chat without ever having to sit through the crappy movie. YOU'RE WELCOME!

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you needed that.

Please remove their feeding tubes:

Mel Gibson,

Patricia Heaton,

and, though we agree with him,

Moby.

Airbrush, dead ahead!

Controversy terrorizes London, courtesy of Katey Winslet's legs. Or are they?

Well, now she does.

Halloween costume idea.

It's only March, but this five-headed monster is sure to frighten anyone come October. AARRRGH!

Charlize Theron's segundo Oscar.

Maybe if we took a cue from Peru, we'd have less Aileen Wuornoses and more Israeli Lee Hepitzes.

86 never looked so 73ish.

How much do you know about HDTV nightmare, Janice Dickinson? Find out here! Or, better yet, don't, and save two minutes of your life!

Sarah is magic.

Here's the trailer for the upcoming movie version of Sarah Silverman's Jesus Is Magic. If you're at work, turn the volume down so as not to offend the Puerto Rican cleaning your cubicle.

Going down.

Buffoonery led us to this dark, dark, dark, dark place. If you are unsure of your going-to-hell/not-going-to-hell status, watch this and get your SPF 5,000 ready.

Department of horrible baby names.

This is ancient trivia, but we didn't know about it: Rob Morrow named his daughter Tu. Tu, sweetheart, don't worry, from here on out, we'll refer to your father as Giant Prick.

Ice castles.

Lovers, this is just a disclaimer stating that we're busy/drunk/exhausted/soon-to-be-out-of-town-for-a-few-days, and that, thusly, the NB is reacting accordingly. We shall do our best to post, but we do not want you to think you have been forsaken should things be a little thin around here. You have not been forsaken. We could never do that. We just have to pay attention to real life for a moment. The NB will be back in full force in no time.

In the meantime, enjoy this:

Breaking. Britney. Wicked.

Sorry! We jumped the gun. Apparently Britney Spears would like to play Elphaba, the green witch, in the film version of the Broadway musical Wicked. If there's anyone who can make those songs worse than they already are, Britney's the gal. As well, it's pretty much the only way in hell we'd ever even think of sitting through another version of Wicked again, so, producers, if you're interested in us attending, which you obviously should be, you best cast Mrs. Federlines stat.

Shpring.

As geisha support groups become more than a lotus blossom in the eye of Japan, so we bid you a good weekend. The NB shall return, barring any unforeseen circumstances or Republican interference, on Tuesday. Please, stay safe, warm and vibrant, and say hello to spring for us when it arrives.

As always, the NB loves you and wants you to live.

One tbsp. glissando.

Homeless, not heartless.

From our new favorite site ever of the day, Overheard in New York:

Cop: Move it along, bub.
Hobo: What? I don't wanna move, I'm sleeping here.
Cop: I said move it, buddy.
Hobo: Why? I'm not bothering anyone, can I please stay, please, please?
Cop: OK, fine. Stay.
Hobo: I love you.

--Bay Ridge

Words of innocence and of experience.

Non-courtesy of Sign on San Diego:

When a reporter asked [Robert Blake] who he thought killed Bakley, Blake said: "Shut up!"

Twist and shout.

Adding to our love and appreciation of "worst of" lists, here's Slate's David Edelstein's report on the worst movie plot twists of all time.

Yes, but he's my psychopath.

Down, ladies, down!

Harrelson-in-training.

If you're wondering what it feels like to be a good-looking lunatic, Matthew McConaughey has been keeping an online journal at MTV.com. We glanced at it and saw "RV" used as a verb, as in "RVing," except spelled "RVin'," so, in order to staunch the optical bleeding, we stopped reading. If there's anything worth noting, please feel free to point it out in the comments section below. As if!

You're Kidmaning me.

According to the sparkly Golden Fiddle, here's Nicole Kidman in 1991. We'll have to take their word for it.

I have 13... 12 beautiful girls standing in front of me.

What we've learned from this cycle of "America's Next Top Model" thus far:

Obesity = immediate elimination

Lesbian = multi-ethnic sympathy

Fainting = Janice Dickinson crawling around on the floor with a water bottle

We don't know which is the worst, but we can't wait for next week, in which we hope to hear more quotes like last night's Tyra-response to Rebecca collapsing:

"How many of you were scared? I was really, really scared."

It's beginning to smell a lot like Christ, miss.

Celebrity bits 'n' bobs.

Swank, Zellweger: desperate

Fonda: n'orgy pas

Sizemore: bankrupt

Us: asleep

Jane Fonda: actress, orgy planner.

Tell me, my fancy-fuzzy freaks: what do you think of, when you make love to Barbarella?

The David E. Kelley water-retention diet.

Boston Puff-lic!

Just another scary Wednesday.

Because we're off today, the NB is off, too! However, we wouldn't want to leave you, dear reader(s), without anything to enjoy. Here, then, is retroCRUSH's 100 Scariest Movie Moments of all time. Even though we don't agree with all of it (no mention of Eyes Without a Face, Rosemary's Baby or The English Patient???), there's certainly enough to spark memories of sheer hilarity/horror. BLARGH!

Bijou Phillips nip slip

We were going to post about Bijou Phillips PSP fashion show nip slip, but we're lazy and everyone else beat us to it.

Instead, here's a diary Amy Sedaris kept last year for Black Book. It's almost as funny as the nip.

Major pussy.

You can handle the truth? Click on me if you dare! Meow!