4.29.2005

Weekends are for enjoying the outdoors.

Have a nice weekend, scrimps. See you Mondays.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BECKS!!!!!!!!

HELLO! magazine reminds us that today is Becks's 30th birthday! Happy birthday, footie ace! Hopefully you're going out to dinner with Posh who'll hopefully wear something as skanky and easily removable as she did on her birthday! Cheers!

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Ricky Gervais flocks with seagulls.

Here's the only Web site dedicated to Ricky Gervais's New Wave band, Seona Dancing. Really.

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Everybody RISE!

This could very well be the drunkest night ever. (Still waitin' for those mug shots, Rizz.)

Not Another Sad Announcement.

Please click on the sad NASA employee below and tell us this is not the most inspired collection of photos ever in the history of space travel. We really think this deserves a Pulitzer Prize. Right after someone explains just why there are photos of this event.

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Robert De Nostradamus.

This Contact Music blurb about Robert De Niro predicting the September 11 attacks is not only hilarious because it claims that Robert De Niro predicted the September 11 attacks, but because it ends with this utter gem:

The RAGING BULL actor is now ready to direct and star in the film, which also features MATT DAMON and ANGELINA JOLIE, but removed the terrorist plot after his premonition came true.

Golin complains, "It was a sad miss. If that story had gotten made prior to 9/11, Bob would be looked upon as even more of a genius.

"But he went for the safety of history."

Samoas celebration!

We'd like to cordially invite you to a Samoas Celebration! Everyone's favorite Girl Scout cookie is 30 years old and is having a balls-to-the-wall party! There's Samoas trivia, clip art, recipes and photos! There's even a Samoas croquembouche! And, we'll give extra points to anyone who makes and dares to eat the fried Samoas scrimps!

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Teeth like the top of a castle.

Finally. Here's a way to mildly entertain yourself if you have to go visit a parent who's decided to move to a town where the only local escape from said parent is a Wal-Mart.

Shields your eyes.

Who is this?

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Why, it's Brooke Shields in the London production of Chicago! (That's what the article says. It looks a lot like the mom who used to drive us to school in third grade. But she got cancer. So it's probably Brooke Shields.)

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4.28.2005

There's no face like phone.

Rich and anonymous gay prevails. Better luck next time, poor and well-known gays.

Simple joys.

In case you're not busy at work, which we are not, here's a site that offers tons of online games to play. Usually we do not partake of the Flash gaming, but the point-and-click variety offers more cerebral challenge, and we are very, very smart. Try the Smart Stick Adventures. They're particularly enjoyable.

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You could be their bodyguard, they could be your long-lost pal.

If going out to lunch with any of your co-workers isn't awkward and miserable enough, here's a perfect opportunity to pay at least $1,650 for a stellarly awkward and miserable dining experience. Our charity lunch with Billy Baldwin was awkward and miserable enough, so we'll kindly refrain from bidding. No, we're not kidding.

Bo knows coke.

Here's the skinny on "American Idol" contestant and criminal® Harold "Bo" Bice. OK, Vonzell, what are you hiding, girl?

The darker side.

This almost looks worse than the last two Star Wars movies.

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Look into my crazy eyes.

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Clay Aiken pays.

The person behind the NB's curtain has a birthday coming up. If you don't have any idea about gifts, why not select this? Yes, it's real. Thank you in advance.

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In lou of this weeks.

The NB loves a good petition mostly because we've never known a petition to affect anything ever. Here's one that's going against our cause to keep "American Idol" special. Who do these people think they are? We'll totally sign a petition to stop this petition, if anyone wants to petition it. Petition.

"American Idol" stays special.

Last night, this stayed...

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...and this went!

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OK, the goal now is to get Scott into the top 4. Especially since we don't have to look at nasty Constantine and his facial expressions anymore. Let's go, people. You can do it.

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4.27.2005

Alan Cumming vewy sweepy now.

From darling popbitch:

    A popbitch reader had sex with actor Alan
Cumming in New York last year. Alan was
described as "remarkably quiet" during
sex, but immediately after sat on the
end of the bed, and adopted what was
described as a "tragic-little-boy-lost
look', making demands in a very faint
voice. Like "Alan wants water now" and
"Alan wants chips now".

King Latifah.

Is dat you, Big Pun? Holla!

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Ricky Gervais makes you pay.

HBO, once again, triumphs. In a way...

Special Idol.

We don't have time to encourage you to vote for America's favorite retard, Scott Savol, so he may continue to grace us with his retarded song stylings on "American Idol," so we'll just let this do it for us. Don't let us down, America.

None of your busness.

Game time! Which bus is scarier?

This one...

...or...

...this one?

Brosnan, Pierce Brosnan.

Judi Dench: dame, Oscar-winner, chatty Kathy.

Get lost.

Our day is quickly being lost to work, so please forgive any lapses in posting...

That said, because our day is being ruined, and we've ruined the rest of "Top Model," how about some "Lost" ruinings? Sure, why not?

If you're not going to tip, use cash.

Here's a blog that documents the cheap tippers of the world.

America's next Next Top Model revealed!

The D-List claims to know the remaining eliminations and winner of this cycle of "America's Next Top Model." If you want to know, click on Nole Marin. But, whatever you do, DO NOT tell us. We have very, VERY few things to look forward to, and ANTM is definitely one of them. Don't make us go on a Tyrade, K?

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Beyonce says good morning!

Haaaaaaaay!

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4.26.2005

$3.50 for 350.

Dear Matt Groening,

Congrats on your 350th episode!!!!!!!!!! We're so proud of the quality work you and your colleagues consistently bring to "The Simpsons" with each new episode! Please enjoy this "350th Episode Block Party" on our behalf. Unfortunately, we have entirely spent this year's budget on Constantine's eyeliner, Ryan Seacrest's star and 4,000,000,000 phone lines, so we hope you appreciate the wonderful 1991 "Simpsons" costumes that were loaned to us by the Museum of Television & Radio for the party!!! Have fun with them (and don't spill anything on them). OH, and Ray Romano kindly donated an hour of his time for some celeb shots. Be sure to thank him.

Take care, and drink responsibly. It is a cash bar.

Love,
FOX Broadcasting

P.S. Be sure to watch "American Idol" every Tuesday at 8pm/7pm Central and Wednesday at 9pm/8pm Central!

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Most phoned-in headline ever.

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More fun with Google!

We've linked you to Montage-a-Google and Scavengeroogle. Hold on to your pants, people, because now there's Guess the Google, a game in which you are given a montage of Google images and you have 20 seconds to guess the search word that caused said images to appear. Fun! If you're stuck in an office and can't go outside to enjoy the beautiful spring day that only happens once in a while thanks to global warming.

Tennessee Williams and the Angry Inch.

Ladies and gentlemen, John C. Reilly and Hedwig in A Streetcar Named Desire.

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Trenyce scandalizzizes.

Former "American Idol" contestant and criminal (god, we're so sick of writing that) Trenyce (née Lashundra Cobbins. Fo' reals) apparently produced/is taking part in/was interviewed for/imagined some kind of backstage "American Idol" scandal that ABC has made into a special it will air in May. We think. We're not sure. You can read Trenyce's letter and try to figure it out. If you dare.

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4.22.2005

We be illin'.

We're under the weather today, AND we just got a crapload of work to do. Why? Because it's Friday afternoon, and people have suddenly realized that, oh yeah, they did have that job that needed to be edited but for some reason couldn't have been between Monday and Friday morning. Of course, we are most happy to oblige.

ANYWAY, have a good weekend, friends and neighbors. We will be out of town on Monday, so look for the NB's return on Tuesday morning, K?

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Whore It like Beckham.

Here are some more pictures of Posh and Becks celebrating Posh's 31st (really?) birthday on April 18 in Paris. We post these just so you can have a look at her completely insane outfit from all different angles. Jesus Christ, Posh. You were our favorite Spice Girl. Come on. His outfit's pretty terrible, too, but at least it doesn't look like lingerie bought from a Jersey City dollar store. Girl, aren't you cold?

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So brave. Fearless, really.

We knew there was a reason to hate the Bravery.

Scavengooglerhuntoogle.

OK, obviously if you're reading this site, you have nothing better to do. So, after you spend 30 seconds here, why not go on a scavenger hunt? Why not, right? It's almost like going on a real vacation! Not really.

Super!

Here's Brandon Routh in his Superman outfit for the new Superman movie. Man, no matter how muted the colors and updated the logo, it's still super gay.

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Dude, email me again, dude.

Email the pope while it's still legal, people.

NYC has good news and bad news.

Fall-is Diller.

Hilarious 124-year-old, Phyllis Diller, fell out of bed and blacked out. Get well soon, Phyll! We love you and want you to live at least until we're able to see you live in concert. Then you can die.

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Ashley Olsen throws nipple to the wind.

Ew.

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4.21.2005

Paula Abdul after dark.

Holy shit. Two Paula Abdul stories in one day? Is it the opposite of our birthday? Anyway...

Season three "American Idol" contestant and criminal, Corey Clark...

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...is claiming that he had an affair with Ms. Abdul and that she promised to fund his career. All he had to do was keep quiet. Well, he's shopping a book around in which he claims as much, probably because his career was/is underfunded. We don't care one way or another about either of these people, but we'll give this one to Abdul. Clearly this kid is more desperate than she is and, because she's the only woman on the panel, she falls victim to his last-ditch-attempt-at-stardom accusations by default. We will say, though, that if Abdul's taste in clothes has anything to do with her taste in men, it so could have happened. And, given that she's a drug addict, she may not have been in completely control of herself. OK. We changed our mind. She's totally a whore.

Paula Abdul says no to drugs.

Paula Abdul strongly, strongly, strongly denies that her odd behavior (read: clapping like a retarded seal whilst not focusing on anything in particular) has anything to do with drug use. Meaning, Paula Abdul's odd behavior is totally because she's on drugs. It's OK, Paula. We do still remember "Vibeology."

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p-mail.

Dude, we so got benedict@vatican.va two days ago. Sorry! Better luck next time, suckah. Enjoy that "xvi."

Impersona non grata.

Who don't you look like at all? You're hired! (By the by, we're totally creeped out by "Jennifer Aniston.")

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Scott Savol inspires editorial.

Dear Craig Berman,

America loves a retard.

Love,
NB

This is not ear delicious.

A musical based on the songs of Neil Sedaka is being workshopped in NYC. The terrorists are winning.

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MMM-stop.

Hanson expands again. AGAIN??? This happened once and all involved were not immediately destroyed? John Kerry would never have let this happen...

Oh, here's some Hanson fan art. Seriously.

Sean Penn and Madonna, revealed.

Sean Penn explains why his marriage to Madonna didn't work. It's about fucking time, dude. We haven't been able to sleep for 20 years.

Michael Kors greets death with a rousing "Some People."

Designer Michael Kors visited West Village showtune bar Marie's Crisis this weekend, bringing the median age of its patrons to 101.

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Models are stupid, too.

Why is "America's Next Top Model" the best reality show ever in the history of the universe? Well, there are a million reasons, but this screencap of last night's episode is one of them, especially since "STUPID" was eliminated:

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Another great part of last night's episode was when semi-comatose Kahlen found out that a girl she used to hang out with back home had passed away. Said girl soon evolved into "a friend from high school" and Kahlen spent the rest of the episode, which consisted of a photo shoot in a graveyard, crying and crying and crying about her bestest friend ever suddenly dying. Supposedly she channeled all her pain into this picture, in which she portrayed the sin "wrath"...

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...but basically this picture was the result of the photographer yelling at her to be angry and to scream. Which is exactly what it looks like.

Jerri Blank is a fag.

Here's the link to the offical Strangers with Candy movie site. We're excited to see new Jerri Blank escapades, but, unfortunately, buzz is not so good. We, too, wonder why Dan Hedaya was cast as the father instead of the hilarious Roberto Gari. And no Orlando! We're sad...

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Kevin Federline smokes for two.

K-Feds continues to do all he can to make sure his nineteenth child will have three arms be somewhat attractive.

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Reality in balance.

Last night on "American Idol," the huge body with the head stayed...

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...and on "America's Next Top Model," the huge head with the body left.

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For a few moments, all is right with the world. Oh, wait, never mind.

4.20.2005

Eva Longoria parties!

Eva Longoria leaves a hotel in Miami after a fabulous party celebrating her new Esquire magazine spread! The jeans are an interesting choice, but otherwise she looks as fun and fabulous as always. It's no secret that fiery Eva is our most favorite Desperate Housewife, and we think that many people would feel exactly the same! Holy shit, that's Enrique Iglesias. Oh, it's Julio Iglesias, Enrique Iglesias's brother. Still.

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Mariah Carey's got us feelin' revulsions.

Hack director Brett Ratner decided to get a little touchy-feely with plastic songstress Mariah Carey at the Tribeca Film Festival. Each has the power to make us vomit on his/her own, but together, they are a veritable super-syrup of ipecac.

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Natasha Lyonne inspires nausea.

NY Daily News gives us a great item on one of the FBI's 10-most-wanted criminals, Natasha Lyonne, courtesy of fellow crazy actor and former landlord, Michael Rapaport. Rapaport penned an article about his and Lyonne's friendship for next month's Jane magazine. Because we love you, we'll give you highlights:

"People were going in and out of the apartment, [one of the tenants] was telling me about the late-night parties, and 'random dudes sprawled out on her sofa at all times. [Another tenant] had a little dinner party. Natasha was screaming up at them throughout the party."

"I felt sick to my stomach the moment she touched me," he said. "Her body was so skinny."

"It looked like a grenade had gone off," he said. "There was garbage everywhere. There were glasses smashed in the kitchen and standing water in the clogged tub with flies hovering over it. "That girl needs help."

OK, that's pretty much every quote the Daily News provided. They did come up with one of their own, which we also adore:

A representative for Lyonne was not immediately reachable.

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Eva Longoria pays for herself.

Eva Longoria goes all meta on us...

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...much to the delight of the galaxy's gayest man.

Top Models hit bottom.

On tonight's "America's Next Top Model" one candidate gets devastating news from home! We're dying to know who!

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Oh. Thanks.

In addition, here's a post-Tyrade interview with victim, Tiffany Richardson. Girl, we still want you to win.

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George Lucas lets Jake Lloyd out of his cage.

A now 16-year-old Jake Lloyd talks, for the first time, about what it was like to be one of the many factors that ruined Star Wars forever.

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In the 2006 made-for-TV-movie, My Short Career As a Skywalker, we cast Shane Klingensmith to play the 16-year-old Lloyd. Dakota Fanning will play Phantom Menace-era Lloyd, and, obviously, Hayden Christensen will play the eventual strung-out, alcoholic, suicidal Lloyd, in a segment that will basically just follow Christensen around in his soon-to-be daily life.