Lovin', Touchin', Appendectomyin'.

For the sake of Atlantic City, Long Island keeps the wheel in the sky turnin'.

Not quite atomic.

Sorry, Katrina aftermath, you've been downgraded from Hiroshima to "almost like a nightmare." Ouch. Don't worry, though—we underestimated you when you were active. We know better now.

Charlotte's web.

Charlotte Church takes a page from the Shirley Bassey handbook and calls drugly rocker and sometime-Mr.-Kate-Moss Pete Doherty a wanker. Doherty, meanwhile, has been compared to an inflatable penis by Liam Gallagher, and a "Make Doherty History" campaign has been suggested by Damon Albarn. Most of all, none of this is of any consequence to anyo...mmmm...Damon Albarn...

Kampf ire.

Apparently the moral cap on the number of times you're allowed to play Hitler is five.

More Than a Woman.

As impossible as this sounds, Saturday Night Fever is going to become even gayer than it originally was.

Stalking points.

Super-sensitive FOX News provides a helpful article on where to find celebs* for some end-of-summer stalker fun.



*Please note that as of publication of this article, no celebrities will be found in any location mentioned in said article. Also please note that no celebrity has been found at Marquee or Bungalow 8 since 2003.

Lightly Sharred.

Shar Jackson, ex Mrs. Federlines and sometime Tarantino companion, just did a photoshoot for Star magazine. Or, someone got his hands on a roll of her film. We can't tell. We're too busy dying of laughter. And sadness.

Turning Japanese.

As Katrina 10-bladed Chinese throwing stars its way into New York City, we'd like to alert our friends down south that their aftermath has been upgraded from tsunami to Hiroshima. Sadly, the NB will not be providing any parody song to accompany this change, as there's really nothing funny about radiation sickness. We promise, however, to report on any subsequent disaster comparisons as they come in.

NB exclusive.

Guys, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are dating! And they're going to announce it soon! That little Zahara must have put a love spell on Brad today!

Whitney's samplers.

The wonderfully Whitneycentric fourfour gives us its top 20 quotes of the first season of "Being Bobby Brown," with pics, of course! Our personal fave is #16. Or #18. Or #7. We can't decide!



(Oh, by the way, is anyone still watching "The Surreal Life"? We, like, totally forgot about it.)

Museumclozen.

Vienna, Austria? FAN-tastic place for museums.

Graz? Not so much.

Please keep unplugged.

W-i-i-ild horses couldn't drag me anywhere near this crapfest. Oh, wait, the Maroon 5 singer is participating? That totally changes EVERYTHING. Oh, wait, no, it totally doesn't.

I'll be doing Meserve's "Katrina."

CNN correspondent Jeanne Meserve, who was covering The Wrath of Katrina®, wept openly in a 10-minute interview with CNN anchor Aaron Brown. UK Digital Spy generously provides a transcript of that harrowing conversation. Unfortunately, the transcript does not make clear where the weeping occurred, so we suggest that you print it out, grab a buddy and re-enact it, inserting weeping where you feel it would be appropriate. As well, we think the opening monologue would make a wonderfully effective dramatic audition piece.

With huge, HUGE apologies to the Knack.

Oh you crazy hurricane, hurricane,
You're killing tons of people like that Thai tsunami!
Because you are so similar, so similar
We'll forego Katrina and apply "tsunami"!
Oh, please would you stop, give it up.
Such an evil storm. Always churning up so much muck of the cajun kind.
My, my, my, yi, eye-—WHOO!
M-m-m-my tsunami!

Oh now what is happening? Happening?
Things are getting quiet. It's the eye, tsunami.
Keeping things all right would be, terribly
Easy, so again you make things fly, tsunami.
Oh, please would you stop, give it up.
Such an angry storm. Always churning up so much muck of the gumbo kind.
My, my, my, yi, eye-—WHOO!
M-m-m-my tsunami!

Just look at the Superdome, that mobile home,
Not to mention Paul Prudhomme. Why, tsunami?
We'll sit here all soaking wet. Where's my pet?
We cannot clean up until we're dry, tsunami.
Oh, please would you stop, give it up.
Such a beastly storm. Always churning up so much muck of the bayou kind.
My, my, my, yi, eye-—WHOO!
M-m-m-my tsunami!

Melanie Griffith grumbles.

According to FemaleFirst, Melanie Griffith says she finds aging "scary and humiliating." Which is why she now looks like this:



(Oh—any mention of Melanie Griffith warrants a link to her Web site. Always.)

No news is real news.

Which do we like better?

The NY Daily News's "deadly, yet awesome" headline...



or the NY Post's "let's make up a false-yet-sexual number" headline?

Absinthe you've been gone.

For fans of Daniel Handler's The Basic Eight, here's a site from which you can buy all kinds of absinthes. Or you can just mix a bottle of hot sauce with a bottle of Scope and infuse it with some black Twizzlers (we have interns to "pay"!). Either way, you'll be singing Elton John tunes to Nicole Kidman on a giant elephant.

Did y'all hear about Katrina?

MSNBC continues its headline-related winning streak:

You're not that super, Superdome.

So, we could have given you the bits about Gwyneth Paltrow telling Brad Pitt to keep his private life private or Chelsea Clinton being single again. But we went with the hard-hitting news. You may be able to plan for a hurricane, but you can't avoid it. Unless you live in most of the United States. Tomorrow, we promise to get back to the crap that doesn't matter, the crap that usually involves only dignity dying, or, in the case of rap mogul® Suge Knight, a leg. Or not. We don't know. We don't even know what intern Caramella is making us for dinner. We hope it's something spicy. But not gumbo. That would just be disrespectful.

Don't it feel good? Hey! All right now!

The NB award for Best Hurricane Katrina Headline of '05 of the Century easily goes to MSNBC. New Orleans, we hope you have prescription drug coverage.

Damon weighs in.

Oh, Jesus—Digital Spy is reporting on Contact Music reports. This hurricane really is affecting millions of people. Well, at least Hilary Duff is willing to help out.

Thar she blows.

For those of you who loved Lord of the Rings but wished there was more fucking, comes Pirates. It's an all-new swashbuckling porn adventure starring some of the top names in straight porn: Jesse Jane, Janine, Jenaveve Jolie and Carmen Luvana (research indicates that, with the exception of Jesse Jane, those are all their real names). Pirates is described as such:

The most comprehensive and ambitious adult production to date, “PIRATES” is a monumental step towards the eminent merging of the entertainment industries. The entire production was shot and mastered on High Definition and combines over 300 special effects shots. With a professional script, an original music score and true 5.1surround mix offering all of the production values of any Hollywood box office film while still encompassing the erotic feelings and sexual mores of an adult film. With 10 of the most arousing sex scenes in the history of erotic cinema, awe-inspiring Incan magic and grandiose sea battles, "PIRATES" is an action packed, electrifying and swashbuckling sex-tale. Presented on a triple disc set, "PIRATES" sets a new standard in adult production.

Wow. And, get ready for this, the film is presented in a 3-DVD set (yes, that's the same amount of discs as the Critereon Collection's set of Terry Gilliam's Brazil), complete with both Standard DVD and WMV-HD DVD formats of the movie. Additional features include 16x9 Widescreen Format, Bloopers, Casting Video, Photo Gallery, Audio Commentary with the Stars, Behind the Scenes, Visual FX Making of, HD Behind the Scenes, Pirates Short, Bios, Trailers, Chapter Index and No Regional Coding.

While porn bloops are ALWAYS a good time, we have to say we're a wee bit intrigued by the audio commentary, though we fear that after approximately two minutes of listening to Devon describe how amazing the whole experience was you guys, we'd blow our heads off.

Instead, we'll let male star Evan Stone wrap this whole thing up nicely:

“...never before in the history of porn has a movie been made of such grandeur and epic proportions as Joone’s “PIRATES...this is one of the most inspiring movies I have ever done to date.”

As she would have wanted.

We are so happy Yahoo image search is finally able to give Barbara Bel Geddes the respect she deserves.

And don't it feel good!

The best way to get something done is to have someone else do it for you! That's why we're happy to feature some Katrina-related quotes and stuffs sent by our good friend and longtime reader Michelle, which may or may not be her real name depending on how she feels about being associated with this site. And she may be a boy. He may be.

Michelle read the San Francisco Chronicle's article we featured in our first post of the day and pulled some of its favorite quotes:

At the hotel Le Richelieu in New Orleans' French Quarter, the winds blew open sets of balcony doors shortly after dawn. Seventy-three-year-old Josephine Elow pressed her weight against the broken doors as a hotel employee tried to secure them.

"It's not life-threatening," Mrs. Elow said as rain water dripped from her face. "God's got our back."

We have to agree that that's pretty phenomenal, mostly because it features a 73-year-old woman trying to hold back 150mph winds. Life-threatening winds.

However, not everyone is with Mrs. Elow.

"I'm expecting that some people who are die-hards will die hard," parish council President Aaron Broussard said.

Well, Parish council presidents have never been known for their sensitivity.

Themacane.

Wait, there is a bigger threat to humanity than Katrina...

Katrina and the waves.

Since obviously no kinds of shenanistons are going to be reported today, we'll just focus on the Great Hurricane of the Doomsday Century of '05. Specifically, we'll post some of our favorite headlines. And, you're welcome to send us some of yours, too! Just email NervyB@gmail.com. And if you're hot and single, include a pic and phone number. Thanks!

FOX News, of course, states that "Katrina Whips New Orleans."

In related reporting, The San Francisco Chronicle opens with "Katrina Pounds New Orleans."

The Courier-Mail of Australia writes that "Hurricane Screams Ashore." Subtle personification.

From the Associated Press, via the Asbury Park Press, "Hurricane would leave area under toxic swamp."

Not so much a headline as an opening sentence, the Globe and Mail goes with "New Orleans: walled city under attack."

We love the Indianapolis Star for this: "Katrina May Turn City into Atlantis."

The always dependable New York Daily News has "Hurricane Hell in New Orleans."

Not to be outdone by the Daily News, the NY Post names its cover story, well, here's a visual aid (please note: the Post has put its catastrophes in order of importance)...



The UK's Manchester Evening News makes catastrophe sexy with "Hurricane Kat Prowls the US."

Besides those, right now we have lots of "hammers," "slams," "smashes," etc. We'll keep you posted as the hyperbole continues to lash us with its fury.

All heavenly roads lead to Kirk Cameron.

All right, anytime a Cameron goes a little bit more bananas, we have to post. Enjoy.

Tippi Hedren, Princess of Wales.

Wethinks today is going to be a summer Friday for us here at the critically acclaimed NB. The interns are all cranky and hungry, and the feds are threatening random basket searches again. However, it would be a sin for us to not give you anything to marginally enjoy (and we may post here and there—one can never really know). So...

Set to be unveiled this weekend at Harrod's in London, "Innocent Victims," a bronze statue to honor the fallen Dodi and Diana, with some liberties taken...

Miss America comes to her senses.

Let me out! LET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Found and lost.

No-one found. Boyfriend Newton-John, still missing.

As you were.

All bump, no grind.

Next Monday, if you see lots of steroidal gays clutching laptops and wandering aimlessly around 8th Avenue and 21st Street, here's why.

Look, Teri, Margaret Cho is eating!

From this picture of the premiere of her new show, Assassin, it looks like Margaret Cho has put a little weight on. We hope that means she's funny again! The notoriously skinny Margaret Cho was, to put it mildly, NOT FUNNY.



In other gay news, here are some pics from Rufus Wainwright and Ben Folds's "Odd Men Out" tour. We remember seeing Wainwright back in a club on Houston Street in the late '90s when only a super-elite cache of gays knew about him. We were in the front row. We also remember seeing Folds at Summerstage in Central Park. Well, not seeing, really. Hearing. We were too cheap to buy tickets. YOU CAN STILL BE ELITE AND NOT SPEND MONEY, YOU KNOW. JESUS.

Teri Hatcher's skull needs a gag.

SHUT UP, y'old bag o' bones!

Kidman and kid cancer.

FemaleFirst brings us this item today. Apparently after reading about him in the New York Post, Nicole Kidman decided to make an impromptu appearance at the bedside of six-year-old Australian cancer patient, Dylan Hartung. However, the kid wasn't impressed by Kidman alone. He told her his two wishes were to meet Angelina Jolie (who is apparently not making unscheduled bedside cameos yet) and to beat cancer. Kidman then promised to bring Jolie with her on a future visit. Before you jump to conclusions and call this kid the luckiest kid ever, the article ends with this statement:

Kidman, who promised to take Hartung to the cinema, returned three days later and accompanied the youngster to The Dukes of Hazzard.

Kidman later went on to say, "Angelina was busy with Zahara and Maddox, so I thought I'd take Dylan to see The Dukes of Hazzard. Unfortunately he removed his respirator after five minutes, but at least I helped him beat cancer. That was one of his wishes."

The NB would like to thank Nicole Kidman for doing her part in the battle against deadly, yet occasionally beatable diseases.

Y tu Webster, tambien.

During our intense research for our last post, we came across this picture and thought we'd share. It's apparently from a Spanish site and is called "Punky y Webster."

A Rose by any other name.

Boob reductress Soleil Moon Frye has given birth to a baby girl. She and her husband, the ridiculously named Jason Goldberg, have deemed her Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg. Their first choice, Punky Brewster, was apparently the name of a 1980s sitcom character, and they were insistent on being original.

Free Michael Vartan.

Yesterday it was reported that Michael Vartan, "Alias"'s Michael Vaughn, shot his final scenes of the show last week. Meaning, they killed him off. Meaning, he is now free of the sinking, Mia Maestro-infested ship that is "Alias." Of course, some people (with LOTS of time and computer skills) are utterly incensed and have begun the online MV CAMPAIGN to save Michael Vaughn.



Here is a bit from the site:

For the past four years many of us have invested our time, emotions and money in support of Alias. We have been drawn in by the plots, characters and the actors who portray them. Now as we are about to venture into the 5 th season, we find out that we may be losing one of the most integral, beloved, and interesting characters on the show.

Many of us feel that if this were to occur, it would be showing the show, the viewers, and Mr.Vartan a huge lack of both respect and loyalty. After four years, we feel the show, the viewers and Mr. Vartan deserve far more. So, we have decided to take action and do something to express our feelings to ABC, and Bad Robot.

Wow. That's all very moving. And by "moving," we mean "hilarious." Come on, people, if he's been killed off, which he most likely has been, he's not coming back. So go volunteer your time at your local soup kitchen or Starbucks and stop wasting the precious Internet's space with this nonsense. Or, better yet, consider how good he must feel to be off a show that has been sucking for as long as it was totally rad. Why not start a campaign to have him digitally removed from seasons 3 and 4? We'd totally sign that useless petition. But, no, you all have to play the pansy victims, the "How could you do this to us?" fat girls in black. Look, Michael Vartan can now concentrate on a film career or perhaps a career in a new, awesome television show. You'll all see Michael Vartan again, people. Only, when you do, he'll be much, much happier.

Thank you. We'd continue, but we've been inspired to begin HARBOR VICTOR GARBER and RESCUE RON RIFKIN Web campaigns. Stay tuned...

Hershey's kisses.

Here's what you've all been waiting for! Pictures of Naveen Andrews (Sayid from "Lost") and his girlfriend Barbara Hershey (not Bette Midler from "Beaches") on a beach in Hawaii. The captions say "muy sexy"! We say "muy creepy"!

The dancing nun.

Yesterday we reported on a report on a Belgian nun, Johanne Vertomme, who got in troubles for dancing "indecorously" with a missionary on Catholic Youth World Day (there was dancing??? We only got some cross-shaped funnel cake and two gummi rosaries). In our post, we asked if any of our reader wouldn't mind sending us the incriminating picture, as we were having trouble finding it.

WELL...

Intern Maristita checked her email today and found something from one johannevertomme@dancefever.com (very, very clever). It included this:



So, ladies and gentlemen, there it is. A visual aid of what not to do on Catholic Youth World Domination Day. We are proud not only to have the pic in our possession but also to have our very own Deep Throat. Thank you "Johanne Vertomme" for sending us on our way to Woodward-and-Bernsteinland.

Gott ya!

Apparently Victoria Gotti doesn't have breast cancer, after all. It was just a publicity stunt to promote the upcoming third season of some reality show she's on. This information came as a shock to no one because...say it with us...you have to have real breasts to get real breast cancer. Fortunately, her undeniable beauty, intelligence and compassion have not been threatened by this misunderstanding.

A beef with the ghetto.

If you're in Chicago, you can get, and may already have gotten yourself some Ghetto Fries. They're French fries being sold by Max's Famous Italian Beef on the North Side of what the kids used to call Chi-town. Ghetto Fries are fries topped with cheddar cheese, giardiniera, gravy, barbecue sauce and raw onions (apparently the first-choice name, Death Fries, was already taken by Vinny's Beef-a-rama in Union City). They're also pissing this Chicago Sun-Times writer off, as well as its food critic, Don Ross. Ross writes "I suggested they were made in Jewtown by colored slaves. What next? Wetback refritos?" After reading Ross's outrageously inappropriate comments, we at the NB would officially like to welcome Don Ross as its new food critic.

Waiting for Gervais.

Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy's next project will be called For Your Consideration and will cover an indie film crew who think they have a shot at an Oscar. Michael McKean, Bob Balaban and Parker Posey will all appear. So will Ricky Gervais. Consider this the best news ever of the day.

Indian burn.

In direct response to its being dropped from the list of top 10 party schools in the nation, Florida State University has been allowed to keep its Chief Osceola Seminole Indian mascot, thus encouraging students to irresponsibly drink and gamble. We're very proud of our alma mater's quick fix with this matter. We'll see you on the top 10 next year, Chief!

Would you BTK mine?

CBS, the network that pulled the Ronald Reagan TV movie after protests from fundamentalist Republican groups, is airing a BTK killer movie on October 9! We're sure this movie won't not run after those same Republicans don't protest its airing. It is, after all, about extremely violent serial killing and not American history.

In related news, the movie is being proudly sponsored by J.C. Penney's B.T. Kids line of children's clothing.

Not all Smart is Elizabeth.

Remember the TV show "Smart Guy," with the little smart guy? The theme song ended with some ladies singing "smart guuuuuuuuuyyyyy"? It ran for two years? No?



Well, he's a smart man now. And he means bidness.

By a smile.

Finally, here's Brian Wilson's Smile performed live at Carnegie Hall, courtesy of NPR. Just ignore the commentator's banter, and you'll be fine. You may even...um...smile.

Lip service.

We really don't know what to say about this. Actually, we did know, but we had someone else move his lips while we talked, and he was hanged.

Missionary position.

Nun sets Catholicism back at least 2 hours.

(Oh, if any of our dear reader speaks Belgian, this paper ran photos of the dirty dancing in question. If you find them, let us know. We gave up after a run of "z"s and "j"s separated by 13 "a"s made us lightheaded. Until then, this photo of a community theater production of Dan Goggin's international sensation Nunsense will have to do. Sorry.)

Aiken for home.

Last week, when we linked you to photos of Clay Aiken's house long before actual journalists got hold of the link (and caused it to be made inactive—boy are the Upper Peninsula Claymates pissed), you may have been struck by the house's rich-yet-classless southern lady decor. We certainly were. Well, today Aiken said the reason why he's selling the house is so he can have a home base in Raleigh, North Carolina. Fear not, though, friends. According to the article...

Aiken's mother, Faye Parker, decorated his California home with North Carolina furniture. The work won't go to waste despite the move, he said. "All the stuff, curtains, fabrics and whatever else is coming, too," Aiken said.

All right. Clay, how 'bout you buy Faye her own house to decorate, and you use your 90 bazillion dollars to hire an interior designer. We promise you that whatever he or she comes up with will be far less gay than what mom has picked out for you. And that's really what you want, right? Even though you are moving back to North Carolina, it's time to cut the cord, Clay. Cut the cord. It's a huge yet necessary step in your quest to remain closeted.

You're huge!

America is getting fatter and fatter and fatter. Hmmm. Let's see if we can get to the bottom of this shocking news...

•Amount of calories in one McDonald's Big Mac = 485
•Amount of calories in one Large McDonald's Fries = 540
•Amount of calories in one large Coke = 330
•Amount of calories in 16 oz. of Starbucks Whipped Mocha Malt Frappuccino Coffee = 570
•Total of the above = 1925 calories

•Amount of calories-per-day intake recommended for the average human = 1800

Wow, so, if an average American has the above for one of his meals, which is what it is—one meal (plus a Starbucks treat), he has the rest of the day to eat food that will total at least –125 calories. If you don't believe our math, which you probably shouldn't, this article sums it up nicely. So does this one. And please keep in mind we didn't even begin to chart all the calorie-filled booze you've been drinking.

Party's over.

Please allow the NB a moment to sit shiva for its alma mater. My, how the beer bongs have fallen.

Fraud.

As this Web site gives you a daily lesson in how to spot fake humor, we'll link you to an article that explains how to spot a fake photo, unlike the one below.

Verb vs. Noun.

Hopefully there's a courthouse in Paradise City.

Wedding crashers.

I now pronounce you arrested. GONG.

(FINE! We'll stop making totally inappropriate and racist "GONG" jokes. But just so you know, angry emailers, some of our best friends are Asian! Well, one is. Well, he brings us food. But we love him! Never mind...)

Annie the One.

This is a few days old, but we're rilly tired. Apparently, according to Star magazine, Keanu Reeves and Diane Keaton, who met whilst filming something called Something's Gotta Give, are a couple again. Again? If we knew about the first time, we'd blocked it out. Well, at least they can share clothes. Ba-dum-dum. Anyway, we have to go throw up. BRB.

Morphin' murderer strikes again.

Jesus. That Power Ranger was nothin' but trouble. (Oh, and we're assuming "Sceond" means "Second," unless Hollywood.com is trying to send coded messages to al Qaeda. Well, even if they aren't, we totally just flagged them. Sorry, but at least they weren't murdered by an asshole extra from a kids' show. And how the hell do you get that damn pop-up thing off the screen? God, sometimes the future so sucks.)

Little girls, little girls, everywhere I turn I can see them.

Here's the Web site for the 18 millionth national tour of the controversial musical, Annie. We highlight this for two reasons only.

1) Humiliating publicity shots:



2) Mackenzie Phillips as Lily St. Regis. (We love her But-I'm-the-Star-of-the-Show-length bio.)

Oh. Wait. Three reasons.

3) The kid playing Annie has its own Web site, wherein you can see proof that if you were stuck in a room with it for more than two seconds, the sun wouldn't come out tomorrow or ever.

You got it, dude.

One of the Michelles is getting married! Or, at least according to Snap News or Inside Hollywood or ninemsn or whatever this is. So probably she isn't. But, truth be told, the skinny ones always do go first. Cheer up, Ash, coming in last isn't always as humiliating as it seems.

The Tu.

You fired! GONG.

Reid between the lines.

Hmmm. Maybe it's because you show us your boobs ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

(On the same tip, here's a fun photo essay via Hollywood Rag. The lower portion is more in evidence here.)

Diane, this is just a rumor.

If you concentrate on the third doughnut from the right, throw the rock and hit the dwarf squarely in the Ronette Pulaski, this actually might happen.

Mystery solved.

The mysterious, mute "Piano Man" who, after being found in a soaking wet suit in Kent four months ago and bewildering doctors and nurses, is not a musical genius at all. He's just a German.

OUCH!

A gay German. Sorry. A gay German. Gay. Gay German.

Scarlett fever.

People, have we learned nothing from England's rose?

Department of Missing.

Good morning. Please be on high alert. There are semi-non-celebrities missing.

Scout Taylor-Compton, née Desariee Compton, of TV's "That's My Ravens," "Unfabulous," "Charmed" and more, has been missing since August 12. There are no leads, but it's suspected she was abducted by the vowels in her birthname.

Patrick McDermott, Olivia Newton-John's longtime boyfriend, has been missing since he went on an overnight fishing trip on June 30. As Scott Peterson is incarcerated, there are no leads.

Finally, Tallahassee's premier "pansexual playground" Brothers is still playing the Todd Terry remix of Everything But the Girl's 1994 hit "Missing."

Phat weekend.

Well, folks, another weekend is upon us. And before you shout "Get off! Get off!" why not take a moment to reflect on your life, your accomplishments, your successes, your love, your wealth, your joie de vivre and realize that none of it will ever come close to matching that of Kimora Lee Simmons. In our case, she has managed to create a Web site for herself less unnecessary than this one. For that, we absolutely salute you. Kims, you make us feel as big as we really are—approximately 5'4".



Please enjoy the weekend, all. If you're interested in seeing your NB editor's actual skill, click on the top link in the links section and follow the instructions. But please make sure you are dressed well and are prepared to buy him at least one alcoholic beverage, post-show. Otherwise, we'll see you Monday for another day and week of crap commentary on crap.

Enjoy!

Unconditional Love.

Jesus. When was the last time Courtney Love had to pay rent?

Golden mean.

Vocalist no one's heard of goes AWOL.

Actress no one remembers is found.

"The Collected Chaucer."

Amazon.com seeks to make a profit (yes, this is really Amazon.com—it's not some 17-year-old MIT graduate's mockup). We greatly look forward to the customer reviews.

He loved his coffee. So did death.

Via kottke.org, a riotous site wherein you can enter your favorite caffeinated beverage and your weight, and it will tell you how much of said beverage you'd need to drink in order to die. The NB is a caffeine-free workplace (have you seen what happens to a 12-year-old Rumanian after two glasses of Mountain Dew?), so we don't really have much to gain from the site. However, if anyone knows of a similar site that measures the probable fatal intake of Klonopin and Pinot Noir, we're all ears.

America, give us your top models.

The Top Model 5 site has gone live! You can get all the info on all the contestants, one of whom will still be in the running with the hopes of running into the hopes of still being America's next top model.

As we did with cycle 4 (fine, Tyra, we'll play your little game and call them cycles—just don't be surprised if one day you wake up to find Yoanna's head in your bed), we'll highlight our favorites:

Kim:


Obviously, we are THRILLED that there's finally a boy on the show. And, he's kind of hot in a Michael Pitt sort of way. But we've always been a sucker for the Lacoste. And for someone whose favorite mags are US Weekly and the Economist. Kim, can we get married? We don't mind that you have a girl's name.

Coryn:


This girl looks like she can kick some serious ass. And, because we deem the "y" in her name silent, she's called Corn. Which is so postmodern in a retro, Indian sort of way. Good luck, Corn!

Ebony:


We waffled between Ebony and Bre, because we want to believe there'll be a sassy black Camille or Tiffany this cycle. Ebony just might fit the bill. Her picture is no-nonsense, and her favorite movies are Malcolm X and Beauty and the Beast, so we feel like underneath her way shiny surface might be a monster waiting to attack. That flower's not fooling anyone, Ebs.

Cycle 5 premieres on September 21 at 8pm. The bad news is no Janice Dickinson. The good news is that it's two hours. See you there.

When best isn't bad enough.

Rififi? Why, that's a perfect movie. Fantastic—let's remake it! With Pacino!

Bad sex.

Courtesy of EW (that's Entertainment Weekly for all you non-VIPs), the 10 most embarrassing sex scenes of moviedom. Unfortunately, the scenes are embarrassing for the characters involved, not for the audience, and since the characters are not real, it's really not embarrassing for anyone. Anyway, enjoy...

I paid $367.24 for this ticket, and all I got was a bunch of assholes.

Dear gay behind us at the Dolly Parton concert,
If you love that song so much, WHY ARE YOU TALKING THROUGH THE WHOLE THING?

Dear Asian behind us at the Dolly Parton concert,
Tell your gay to SHUT UP, and stop talking back to him. And, no, we don't care that you put that song on a mix tape.

Dear loud girl in cowboy hat screaming in our ear at the Dolly Parton concert,
"If you haven't anything nice to say, come sit next to me," was not originally spoken by Olympia Dukakis. It was spoken by Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

Dear lesbians sitting next to us at the Dolly Parton concert,
SHUT UP.

Dear Polish couple in front of us at the Dolly Parton concert,
When Ms. Parton is singing "Blowin' in the Wind," it's not time to have a domestic dispute in a loud, unwieldy language.

Dear Dolly Parton onstage at the Dolly Parton concert,
You sounded absolutely incredible. Now, let's talk about the show. "9 to 5" should not be performed up top. Neither should "Jolene." Switch "Here You Come Again" with "9 to 5," and then precede both "Two Doors Down" and "9 to 5" with, say, "The Seeker." And move these later in the show. Maybe give us a "Bargain Store" early. And definitely no more than one or two covers at a time. We understand that you have a cover record coming out, but no one wants to hear them live. And that's not meant in a bad way. It's just the truth. "Me and Bobby McGee" is fine but "Turn, Turn, Turn" and "If I Were a Carpenter" are not, especially back-to-back. And "I Will Always Love You" would make a great sentimental encore. Or, or, save "Two Doors Down" for a rousing encore. Speaking of which, who told you your 9/11 number, "Hello, God," was a good idea for an encore? Did someone advise you because you were in New York that we'd want to hear a 9/11 tribute song? Well, we don't. Ever. We want to slap our knees and clap our hands, just like the people in Tennessee want to do. And you know what else we want? At least one costume change. Just one. Oh, and no one should sing "Imagine" ever again. It's not even that good a song. Don't get us wrong—we adore you, Dolly, and we were honored to be in your presence. You handled the curtain and microphone malfunctions like a pro, and you were utterly charming. But you need to rethink the show—no roof should be left intact after one of your performances. We'll be happy to help. Just email us, sweetheart.

Dunst checks up.

Ted Casablanca has been hitting us over the head with his Toothy Tile character forever now. Those lucky enough to be in possession of the Casablanca Rosetta Stone have deciphered these items and made the rest of us aware that they're about a closeted male actor. General consensus has that male being Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal. Which is fine with us because he is a looker, that one. Recently we read an item (we can't find it, but we did. Scout's honor.) that said Mr. Gyllenhaal was this close to coming out of the closet but got cold, gay feet and decided to jump back in. We shouldn't be surprised, the item told us, if we next began to hear pregnancy rumors of Gyllenhaal's perennial sweetheart, the might-as-well-be-male Kirsten Dunst.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you this.

Does this come in 4X?

And...scene.

Big letdown, little dirty.

Because of the headline, we thought this would be about midgets, but it ended up just being kind of perverted.

Go West.

Kanye West has called for an end to gay bashing. What a fucking fag.

Parton me.

Just so you all know, this is whom we're spending the evening with...



We don't usually like to brag, but we feel it's necessary in this case, as we've never spent an evening with her before. We'll say hi to Jolene for you.

Don't let the Sun go down on me.

Jesus. After yesterday's peepee parade, we thought today he'd get a break. Not so much.

Be a doll, and get me some botox, would you?

Steve Erhardt is so the new Jocelyne Wildenstein...



UPDATE:
Intern Sascha scoured the Web to find a "before" pic of Mr. Erhardt. He finally located one on Mr. Erhardt's JDate profile:



Makes total sense now.

Adding insult to injury.

The Guardian UK reports that the Old Vic theatre in London commissioned a poll to find Britain's top 20 actors and actresses. The results, please...

The 20 best British actors:
1) Anthony Hopkins
2) Laurence Olivier
3) Sean Connery
4) Alec Guinness
5) Michael Caine
6) Richard Burton
7) David Jason
8) Cary Grant
9) John Mills
10) Ian McKellen
11) Oliver Reed
12) John Thaw
13) Ewan McGregor
14) Peter Sellers
15) John Gielgud
16) Ray Winston
17) Robert Carlyle
18) Kenneth Branagh
19) David Niven
20) Peter O'Toole

The 20 best British actresses:
1) Judi Dench
2) Julie Walters
3) Elizabeth Taylor
4) Maggie Smith
5) Julie Andrews
6) Helen Mirren
7) Emma Thompson
8) Vanessa Redgrave
9) Joan Collins
10) Thora Hird
11) Julie Christie
12) Diana Dors
13) Kathy Burke
14) Margaret Rutherford
15) Samantha Morton
16) Victoria Wood
17) Kristin Scott Thomas
18) Helena Bonham-Carter
19) Juliet Stevenson
20) Kate Winslet

Yes, crusty old Sir Hopkins topped the male list and craggly old Dame Dench topped the female list. Fairly predictible. But, ho! What's this? Kristin Scott Thomas made it onto the female list. Um, if we're not mistaken, Ms. Scott Thomas appeared in The English Patient, which means, by any standards, she should not be eligible for any award or list of honor ever. Thus, we do not endorse these results. However, we do take a little comfort knowing that Joan Collins topped both Julie Christie and Kate Winslet. Obviously the margin of error on these lists is, give or take, 96%.

Some degrees of quasi-separation

This is a fun way to waste up to three minutes. We did Mariah Carey and Oreos.

Still not funny.

Occasionally, when trawling for crap to "entertain" you with, we are caught unawares by some story or image. Most of the time, we protect you from what's really too horrible to be seen. But since we had to look at this, so do you.

Nonrated magazine lists overrated movies.

Premiere magazine (yes, it still exists!) has listed its top 20 overrated movies of all time. They are:

2001: A Space Odyssey
A Beautiful Mind
American Beauty
An American in Paris
Chariots of Fire
Chicago
Clerks
Easy Rider
Fantasia
Field of Dreams
Forrest Gump
Gone with the Wind
Good Will Hunting
Jules & Jim
Moonstruck
Monster's Ball
Mystic River
Nashville
The Red Shoes
The Wizard of Oz

Thank you, Premiere, for pointing out what a truly mediocre movie American Beauty is. There's more subversive and shocking commentary on suburbia on any episode of the "The Parkers." However. However. How DARE YOU include one of the greatest American movies ever made, Nashville, on that list. We suggest you find a copy of this movie immediately and return to your list after being reminded of the performances of Ronee Blakely, Henry Gibson, Lily Tomlin, Karen Black, Barbara Harris and everyone else in this stunning, thrilling, sad, hilarious movie. To think that you'd include Nashville on a list of overrated movies that's missing The English Patient is utterly, completely repulsive. If we had a subscription to your magazine, we'd cancel it immediately. For shame, Premiere. For shame.

Take my life, please.

What??? Where did this come from? We are usually up on our theater (read: gay) news, especially when it comes to surefire flops. But this is a total surprise! We're kind of salivating at the thought of how awful an untested new coming-of-age-in-New-York-City musical completely written AND directed by the guy who wrote the song "You Light Up My Life" is going to be. It sort of makes The Blonde in the Thunderbird seem like merely an appeteaser to a delicious meal of terribleness.

If, in fact, we are not dreaming this, which we kind of still think we are, expect updates as previews progress to what's sure to be a pre-opening closing.

Bit by bit, torn apart.

You can knock Spears, Duffs and Moores, all you want, Nekesa Mumbi Moody, but DON'T TOUCH THE MARTIKA. K?

Michelle Tanner, grown up.

Wow. This is totally not how we thought she'd turn out. And she doesn't even mention D.J. or Stephanie or Uncle Joey or even Kimmy Gibler. She just talks about and ex-boyfriend and some rats, which is really kind of gross. And she uses "s"s where "z"s should be. What is she, all English now? Well, at least she didn't grow up to be a larger version of the monkey baby she was. Looking like that could have lead to drug abuse and anorexia, you know? Anyway, we love you, Michelle. Good luck with that badminton.

Hey, man, nice shirt.

We take back anything nice we've ever said about Ryan Phillippe.

The Great White Way is color blind.

Dear Bob Marley's dignity,

Your days are numbered.

Love,
Broadway and 45th Street

Customer service.

From one oxymoron to another.

When I woke up, I was somewhere completely different.

We're kind of worried this isn't a mistake...

P-larious.

Alas, it was inevitable.

Discounting Jessica Simpson.

You're welcome.

America's Next Top Gold Anorexics.

Here's the ad for Cycle 5 of "America's Next Top Model." All we have to say is that they better have picked some entertaining ladies, because we have to agree with Janice Dickinson when she says Twiggy just ain't gonna cut it. Jesus, we can't believe we just wrote "Twiggy." Where are we? Oh, Janice, requiem in pace.



(We like the lion one in the top right corner.)

It's a venti!

According to today, Britney Spears is having a boy, most likely to be named Preston. Sorry to all of you who thought it was twins—Britney only looks that big because her 32 daily Starbucks concoctions each have about 3,000 calories in them. Britney's going to look like she's having twins long after she spawns li'l P-Fed. And oh how we'll laugh. And cry. And not care.

Playing the devil.

We're sorry to leave you with this item, but we feel duty-bound to warn you of anything you might be caught unawares by. Apparently the band (or, at least three-fourths of the band) responsible for such synth-goth-pop masterpieces as A Broken Frame, Black Celebration, Music for the Masses and Violator, the last of which was released in 1989, are insisting on releasing another record. Honestly, we kind of thought Dave Gahan was dead. Certainly we thought, after some unsuccessful post-Violator records and overdoses, Depeche Mode was.

Look, we adore Depeche Mode. They made us want to lay a pipeline when the other kids were busy rolling up their Cavariccis. But, Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore recently so eloquently said, "At this point, the Rolling Stones have been sucking longer than they've been rocking," and we don't want that to happen to bands we, to put it in words, to write it down, are sacred and holy to us. Not that the Rolling Stones and Depeche Mode are on the same level. They're certainly not. But, listen Dave, Martin and the other one, y'all created some truly fine melodies and some fucked-up yet totally relatable lyrics that shaped our youth. You, in your own totally electronic way, rocked. Now, try walking in our shoes, and see if you can understand why we just can get enough. We promise to strangelove you if you drop what you're doing and see the world in our eyes.

Amazing race.

It's the eighth "Amazing Race"—"Family Double Dare" style!



That's right—this season each team will consist of four family members, rather than two related or non-related people. Clans include the Aiellos, the Linzes, the Paolos, the Bransens, and, our most favorite...



...the Black family. Yes, as if Archie Bunker had suddenly taken Les Moonves's place, the "Amazing Race 8"'s black family is the Black family. Oh, how we can't wait to go to an "Amazing Race" party and wildly scream, "Holy shit, Beverly, the Blacks just went the wrong way!" or "Fuck, Cinnamon, look how fast the Blacks are swimming through that alligator-infested lake!" CBS, we heart you.

Poshterity.

Via Hollywood Rag, here's a pic of Posh Spice with her children...



Would someone please cut the little boy's hair so it looks like a little boy and not a little lesbian, and then would that same person use the little boy's hair to fashion a skirt for Ms. Beckham so we don't have to see her boots or her vagina? Thanks.

No vagrancy.

We got this piece of info via Kottke via Goldenfiddle. It's a Contact Music item, so, obviously, we must tread carefully. Apparently Terry Gilliam recently checked out of an unnamed NYC hotel a few minutes late and was charged for an extra day. OK, so far, so good. We can believe that. To continue, Gilliam, in retort, decided to try to find a homeless person to stay the extra night in the room. OK. Sounds very Terry Gilliam to us. The item ends with an alleged quote from Gilliam, in which he says "I walked all the way to the East River and couldn't find a single homeless person." And that's where the story loses all credibility for us. Come on, Contact Music, there are at least three homeless people on our block. And that's not counting the Miss Cleo who sells necklaces. If this were true, Gilliam would be an idiot not to have filmed it, as the fantastical nature of the claim would rival any other fictional Gilliam narrative like Brazil or 12 Monkeys. Whither journalistic integrity, Contact Music? Whither?

House of Clay Aiken.

If you'd like to buy a 6-bedroom gay of a house, otherwise known as Chez Clay Aiken, please go here. During our tour, we were only able to find one Star Jonesian self-portrait of him...



...but we didn't look too hard. We are able to say that, should you purchase the house, you will be getting a never-before-used sports court. As well, there is a massage room and sauna, which, obviously we were far too nervous to look at. The asking price is $2,495,000, but we understand that California Claymates are eligible for a 10% markup. Intern Josefine is begging us to purchase it, but 7,832 square feet is far too much for us. We're happy with our new 300-square-feet, 4th-floor walkup, and so will you be, Josefine. Now get moving.

Stitch it up.

Lilo and Stitch appeared on the red carpet for the premiere of Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch, and, once again, Stitch couldn't be fucking bothered to dress up. God damn it, Stitch, who do you think you are? You can't just come to Hollywood and bend the rules to your liking and expect to continue working. We suggest you hire a stylist STAT if you're interested in being paid for acting in the future.

We do admit that Lilo does look ravishing in her Cynthia Rowley muumuu.

The Gay Sexcapades of 2005.

The NY Daily News has the scoop on NYC's newest gay hot spot! The East Village? So 1998. The West Village? So 1898. The Bronx? Are you...oh...wait...it is the Bronx! Specifically, the Fordham Road subway station. Northern end of the southbound platform, please. Totally hot. No, really. It must be like 110 degrees down there. Get a room!

You'll need a toothbrush with all of that candy.

Generally the tone of this site is one of playful ridicule, but yesterday, because we were running on no sleep and because one of our Colombian interns likes to turn the a/c to 90 when she gets to work even though it's 3,000 degrees and humid outside, we were a bit cranky. That said...

Tonight begins the run of the second free Shakespeare in the Park offering from NYC's Public Theater. The show is a revival of the 1971 musical version of Two Gentlemen of Verona, which won the Tony Award for best musical of that year after it transfered from Central Park to a Broadway house. We're telling you this because, though we know nothing of the quality of this production (Kathleen Marshall directed and choreographed it, and, after 2003's Wonderful Town revival, our expectations are not high), Galt Macdermot and John Guare's funky, Latiny, rocky, poppy score is criminally underheard and underappreciated. And now you have a FREE chance to hear it and see it performed live. Ticket information is available here. Go.

When Hansons attack.

In case you thought we'd left you for the day, you were almost correct. However, we'd hate not to let you know about this:


Yes, it's an actual cd, and apparently it has more than one song on it. In fact, it has 15. Yes, 15! And, it comes with a DVD with live concert footage and a trailer for Strong Enough to Break, the upcoming Hanson documentary. Yes, Hanson documentary! And the movie is going to be released in conjunction with their upcoming tour. Yes, upcoming tour! Consider yourself warned. And, whatever you do, DO NOT look 1996 directly in the eyes. It may try to make you think nothing is wrong.

Shaken. Stirred.

Oh, Pierce, you've ruined every adventure-loving, middle-aged housewife's day. We'd expect something like this from a Dalton or a Lazenby. But not from you. Think about the ladies, Pierce. The laaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeees!

Ashtray.

In other younger, less-talented-sister news, Ashlee Simpson apparently is in talks with the producers of Saturday Night Live (SNL to those with black American Express cards) to appear on an October show to promote her new, provocatively titled record, I Am Me. When asked why in the world she'd want to return to the show on which she was internationally humiliated, she tells Billboard magazine, "I've battled those demons. I'm ready to go back out and do it again."

Yes, Ashlee (which, by the way, it's spelled "Ashley"), you may be. But maybe it's time you stopped thinking about yourself for one second and consider how we, who are we, feel.

Spearsfishing.

Holy shit, you guys—we just found a Web site less entertaining than this one. And, by less entertaining, we mean way more entertaining. And, by way more entertaining, we mean way less entertaining.

The ballad of Smith & Wesson.

Where were Geraldo Rivera, Eartha Kitt and Ralph Nader last night? Here, probably wanting to shoot themselves.

Demi less.

God, it seems like just yesterday we were talking about this all the time and not ever caring.

My itchy valentine.

Saddleback College in Mission Viejo, CA learned a generally well-known lesson—that bees HATE Rodgers & Hart—the hard way.

Real desperation.

TV superhit Desperate Housewives is set to air in China next month. Zap2It reports that "It is unclear whether any scenes or dialogue will be cut from the series to accomodate its conservative audience." NB intern Sue Li, however, has inside information and told us that the show will only run one episode at the end of which the five women will set themselves on fire in front of the Forbidden City after they learn there are thousands of cameras—placed by Ziang-Wu Huber—in their houses. Four of the women will be played by Chinese actresses except for Teri Hatcher's character, who will be played by Teri Hatcher, who basically looks Chinese at this stage.

Roll credits.

And now for something completely highfalootin': a gallery of filmic opening credits designed by Saul Bass. Saul Bass? Yes, Saul Bass. He designed the gorgeous, rhapsodic even, opening credits for such outstanding movies as Goodfellas, West Side Story, and North by Northwest. Yes, this is totally geeky, but we dare you not to be at least somewhat engrossed in this fine representation of his work.



And, fine, just so you don't think we've completely lost our marbles, here's a monkey with an Evian:



Have a good weekend, friends. And if you see Teri Hatcher, kill her.

K.I.T! S.S.O.S! CALL ME! XOXOXO

Lasagnae infinitum.

OK. It's all over.

Half of what you say is meaningless.

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease let this be true. We're BEGGING you. BEG-GING.

You can fill St. Tropez with all the celebs you want. It'll still be a dump.

HELLO! magazine presents a summer summary of who went where this hot, sultry season. No word on where Lucille Ball's corpse went, but we heard it was very popular.

Movies and ponies.

We don't usually post about things to do in NYC because we don't usually do them. We are them. However, here are two exceptions:

The first was brought to our attention by the newly sober Rob Thurman (how's that going for you?). Tomorrow, August 13, is Home Movie Day. At various theaters around the country, random people will bring their home movies to be shown on the silver screen (or in NYC's Anthology Film Archives's case, the dirty gray screen). Depending on who brings his/her movies, it could be a downright gas. Or it could be worse than having to sit through Must Love Dogs. The good thing is, if it sucks, you can leave. For locations in your city, click here. As we already mentioned, NYC's festival will take place at dusty old Anthology Film Archives.

Also, NB enthusiast Eileen Kelly has a show in the NYC Fringe Festival! The show is called My Pony's in the Garage, and it presents Miss Kelly performing stories of her childhood, much like a live home movie! The show had a recently critically acclaimed run in NYC, and it's back and ponier than ever for the Fringe. And, really, what's not funny about accidental overdoses and child molesters? Click on the above link for the good info and then go see it, K?



Enjoy!

Oh, Mickey, you're so blind.

Is someone who now looks like this...



... allowed to do this? We're just full of questions today.

My little Buttercup.

Inconceivable?

Dead, yet popular.

Lucille Ball has topped the list of America's favorite dead celebrities! Other top 10 entertaining deads include Red Skelton, Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Johnny Carson and John Ritter (obviously that last one shows that you basically just had to have been named John to get on the list). Michael Landon also appears in the top 10, but we're not sure if that counts as he may have made a deal with God during his "Highway to Heaven" years. Anyway, we congratulate Lucy, but her corpse has some splainin' to do about this.

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

We just saw this story and actually, for a few tiny milliseconds, began to read it before the neurons fired sending the reminder to our brain that Tyra Banks is going to have a talk show, which, in turn, made our brain tell our mouth to laugh uncontrollably. Anyway, we spotted the word "girlfight," so maybe it's good. We don't know. We're practically crying now.

Cheese Danish.

If the NB were Dutch, we'd show you this pic...



...and make some sort of comment about how vacationing Queen Margrethe II's dress perpetuates the stereotype that all we Dutch do is milk cows, pick flowers and frolic. But we're not, so we won't.

Cover Girl Eva reveals all.

Dionne Warwick...



...is no longer the only celebrity whose skull can be seen through her nose.

Drink your big white pill.

We adore both Aja and Zoloft, so we adore this, even if it is totally absurd.

Daughter to Belleview, or Confessions of a Broken Mind.

If this shit keeps up, we're going to start being born without ears.

Singing Sark.

In other "Alias" news, native Oregonian David Anders, a.k.a. Mr. Sark, will appear in a NYC Fringe Festival musical called Beautiful. Beautiful "explores themes of image and celebrity, insecurity and jealousy, identity and friendship, infatuation and love...[It is] the story of a man held captive by his personal search for beauty." Oh, so it's basically Alias: the Musical. We'll play along and call it Beautiful, but you're not fooling us, wily Sark.

You're no Angelina.

Damn it, Jolie, we were next, NEXT, on the list to be granted Cambodian citizenship, and you come along all "But I'll adopt you" and "I'm very pretty," and ruin our chance. Do you know how often they grant an American Cambodian citizenship after we bombed their country to pieces in the early '70s? Do you? Let's just say NOT VERY OFTEN. Thanks, lady.

Maestro, please.

Rumor has it that someone's leaving "Alias"! If you don't want to know who it is, keep reading because yesterday it was Jennifer Garner and today it's Michael Vartan. Nice work, Abrams, but may we suggest spreading out such a PR stunt over more than one day. As well, for tomorrow's departure rumor, may we suggest the subject be Mia Maestro and may we also suggest making it not a rumor.

Fire in the hole!

Friends, NB Headquarters was evacuated this morning due to a grease fire in the galley. We're back now, but we're dealing with lots of intern psychological trauma. We're hoping to be back shortly. Please bear with us. Danke.

A walk in the park with Janice Dickinson.

Best. Interview. Ever.

Clonus! That's what it should have been called.

Dear the producers of what should never have been called The Island,

As you ripped off our entire movie, why 'd you forget to take the title? Was it not good enough for you? Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You can make the check payable to "cash."

Love,
The producers of Parts: the Clonus Horror

Barbara Bel Deddes.

R.I.P. Miss Ellie Southworth Ewing Farlow. We always knew it was you who shot J.R. Rest easy, dear—your secret's safe with us.

The Reef? The Sanctuary? The Key?

Dear Scarlett,

Swayze was working for us.

Love,
The producers of what should never have been called The Island.

Come an' take your time an' dance with meh!

Yes yes yes, online video clips of "funny incidents" are so 2004 and are not amusing or entertaining. At all. Here's an exception. This video clip, via GorillaMask, manages to be both amusing AND entertaining. At the same time! We're sure you'll agree.

The Cay? The Peninsula? The Cape?

Dear Ewan,

She was from us.

Love,
The producers of what should never have been called The Island.

P.S. Germany, we had nothing to do with Willis. Just so you know.

Jessica Simpson, humanitarian.

Guys, Jessica Simpson really cares. No, she really does. I mean, it's not like she thinks everyone looks like her or dresses like her or wants to be her. It's like she really thinks about everyone, you know? You know what I mean? No, seriously, that's why I really admire her.

The Archipelago? The Atoll? The Islet?

Dear Scarlett, Ewan, and the title,

You all suck, and we hate you. You owe us fifty batrillion dollars.

Love,
The producers of what should never have been called The Island.

You're a pris'ner, Hamid!

OK, Amnesty International and all you other "human rights" groups, you can bitch and moan about the harsh treatment and unjustified imprisonment of detainees at Guantanamo, but, for your information, they're having a magical time.

Real Island.

The setting for "Real World" 4,302 has been confirmed as Key West, Florida.



The NB has been given a sneak preview of what's going to happen:

•Law student Mark and vegan LaTonya will quickly fall in love and make plans for a moonlight skinny dipping session at the beach. They will later spend all night looking for the beach until 6:07 a.m. when they realize Key West pretty much has no beaches except for those behind the chain resort hotels.

•Out and proud Shawn will convince mid-western farmgirl Callie to go with him to Key West gay club Aqua, where he will be hit on by gay men whose median age is 89 and where Callie will stare wide-eyed and open-mouthed at the last three surviving drag queens as they do their "I'm Coming Out" routine.

•Shy Lewis will spend a day wandering charming Duval Street where he will end up buying a T-shirt that says "Poop if You Love Key West" and one with a picture of a gassy baby that says "Key West Is for Farters."

•The whole gang will spend their first sunset on Mallory Pier, where they'll watch a homeless man balance a bicycle on his nose, a homeless man balance a chair on his nose and a homeless man balance a flaming Publix shopping cart on his nose.

•Exchange student Sabiqha will flash her boobs on a Fantasy Fest float and never be allowed back in her country.

•Kelly McGillis will star in yet another Red Barn Theater production in which she'll yet again play a lesbian but will deny she's one in real life.

•Clothes designer Elyssa will, after two days and 18 Bloody Marys from Sloppy Joe's (where she'll drunkenly buy a $45 T-shirt), realize she's stuck on an island version of a midway and will commandeer a four-person Cessna and make for Cuba. She will absolutely not take any of the Hemingway House's six-toed fucking cats with her because she fucking hates cats.

Constant craving.

Because we haven't been watching much TV, we haven't visited TVGasm in a while. Big mistake! Look what they turned us on to:

The Constantine Maroulis Blog! Before you get too, too excited, please be aware that the blog is run by a fan of the Constantine, not the Idol himself. So, you'll have to make do with posts consisting of...

•Constantine on KQ is being released. If you are going to be buying the album, please try to do it this week. Let’s send the message out that WE LOVE CONSTANTINE.

•Get Constantine on the Tonight Show
Well, we can at least ask?
He will be in LA in the next week or so.
Maybe if we write VERY POLITELY and ask that he be brought on to perform Bohemian Rhapsody?
Maybe?
TheTonightShow@nbcuni.com

...as well as lots of floor plans of arenas where the "American Idol" tour will be stopping.

There is also a section of Constantine links, or Constantlinks. We didn't visit any because the floor plans made us too upset.

The Constantpiece de resistance, however, is this fan-retouched People magazine cover:



The only problem with this little fantasy is that to make it as one of People's most beautiful people, more than three people have to know who you are. Still, we admire the blog's alternate take on reality. Off the streets and on the computers! is what we like to say.

You're a princess, reader!

Today, ever-resourceful HELLO! magazine presents a quiz wherein you can discover which crown princess you are. Even though we already know our princess status (we are obviously most like Crown Princess Letizia of Spain), we took it and were delighted to find out we are, as we've known, Crown Princess Letizia of Spain!



YOUR CROWN PRINCESS PERSONALITY IS:

CROWN PRINCESS LETIZIA OF SPAIN

Like the former TV journalist, who has covered stories all over the world, you know exactly what you want and are always picture perfect. Ambitious and cosmopolitan, you're a perfectionist with an inquisitive spirit - apparently just what you would need to land yourself a Spanish prince.

We'll say! And we've always loved Prince, especially "Kiss." We imagine it will sound even sexier en español!

Solid bronze.

Our friend Frank at omg blog posted this yesterday, and we must post it today. It's just that good. It's Bob Starr's Allright Energy Dance Studio, at which you can learn hot, new dance moves just by watching Bob and his casually dressed partner demonstrate moves like "Sweetheart Shoulder Hugs" over backgrounds of rainbows, dragonflies, kittens, and, yes, a lion's tongue which becomes a wave. Please be warned, however, that you only have access to several dozen moves; you must become a member to be privy to the rest. Membership prices are as follows: $3 for three-day access, $5 for one-month access, $10 for one-year access, and $5 for lifetime membership. We'll go ahead and suggest the $5 membership fee, but please specify whether your $5 is for one-month or lifetime membership. You can also get all the moves on VHS or DVD, but, according to the site, those are only "partially available right now." So, if you have a machine that plays half a tape or DVD, you're all set.

Enjoy. We have to get back to learning our Alternate Lovins.

The Ballad of Jude and Sienna.

According to the always reliable UK Mirror, Sienna and Jude held another Nanny Summit yesterday, wherein Jude begged Sienna to take him back, Sienna cried, Sadie Frost broke up with her boyfriend in a car outside, Tony Blair declared August 8 National Take Back Your Nanny Day, and Camilla Parker-Bowles wore a hat made of peregrine feathers, ermine and gold.

Teen queen.

You're all fired! This was on last night and nary a warning from any of our reader. Instead, we were busy watching a video, YES, a video of a 2001 Mary Kate and Ashley Wal-Mart fashion show (thank you, Rob Thurman). You can say that it's pretty much the same thing, but Miss Teen USA features 50-odd ABCs (anorexic/bulemic/cocainic), whilst the MK and A fashion show only featured two.

Anyway, Miss Ohio, Allie LaForce, won:



She is not to be confused with HBO's "Cathouse"'s Air Force Amy:



We congratulate Miss Ohio (and Air Force Amy, what the hell), even though we have no idea what her talent was.

America's America's Next Next Top Top Model Model.

The UPN will double up on the September 21 premiere of cycle 5 of "America's Next Top Model." That means you'll have not one, but two hours to figure out just what the hell Twiggy is doing on anything but a milk carton.



In other news, you should watch "Weeds" on Showtime. Yes, we said you should watch something on Showtime. Don't worry, Hal Sparks won't suddenly jump out at you whilst carrying Sharon Gless's Annie wig. Actually, we don't know that. We've only seen the first episode. But that so better not happen.

Moviephone it in.

New fave Moviehole constantly provides an arsenal of knives for us to drive into our hearts. Witness...

ARGHHHHHHHH.

BLARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

ARGHRGHGHHHHHHHHHH.

BWACKRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

BLARGHHHGHHHHHHHH.

BLARG.......................

May the lord protect and defend us.

Confirmed. With pic:

No news.

On this morning of CBS Evening News anchor and "60 Minutes" correspondent Dan Rather's death, we are taking some time to reflect on our brother's long, illustrious career. His full biography can be read here, and it mentions many illustrious Rather highlights:

•As a full-time correspondent for 60 Minutes Wednesday, Rather secured an exclusive interview with President Clinton (March 31, 1999), Clinton's first sit-down interview following the Lewinsky scandal and his impeachment by the House.

• He gained special notice for his live anchoring of CBS News’ coverage of the Sept. 11 attacks and his around-the-clock reporting in the days that followed.

•In February 2003, Rather secured the most sought-after interview in the world: an exclusive one-on-one with Saddam Hussein in Baghdad, the first the Iraqi leader had conducted with an American journalist since 1991.

Mr. Rather, we salute you and your accomplished career. CBS and the world will be a better place thanks to your contributions and a lesser place now that you've moved on to that studio in the sky. We thank you for your hard, crucial work.

Please bear with us as the NB takes some time to mourn.

Minnie wrap-up.

Clasos gives us lots of crap to see today:

•A few drag queens turning out for the unveiling of a RuPaul doll. The pictures are marked August 5, 2005, but we think they meant August 5, 1985.

•Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst food shopping. Hott.

•Minnie Driver AND Jasmine Trias presenti...

Oh my god.

"American Idol" deer-in-headlights John Stevens and ex-actress Minnie Driver did a concert together. OK, we take "crap" back. This is class. Purely.

Continue being Bobby Brown.

"The Whitney Houston Show" has been such a hit for Bravo that it has ordered two more episodes of the series. Actually, it ordered six more, but Bobby Brown ate four of them. Houston had no to the comment.



(Pic courtesy of fourfour, obviously)

NPR needs your money.

NPR has just posted yesterday's "Talk of the Nation," on which the all-time greatest teen flicks are discussed, or at least we assume so because that's what it says (obviously we didn't listen to it). The noteworthy panel includes Murray Horwitz, director and chief operating officer of the American Film Institute Silver Theater in Silver Spring, Maryland; Colleen Balkan, fan of Sixteen Candles; and Jordana Forier-Belonio, fan of Mean Girls. Actually, that's it. That's the whole panel. A Ringwald fan, a Lohan fan (or "Lo-fan") and a guy who uses "chief operating officer" in his movie museum job title. This actually might be worth listening to...

The Pitts.

That makes two of us, kid! Bah ha ha ha. Ha. Ha. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Hiroshima, Mon Amour.

If you would, please take a moment from your celebration of the 60th anniversary of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima and reflect on the name of the B29 plane responsible for dropping the bomb: the Enola Gay. Because we gays are about to be blamed yet again for Hiroshima, let us remember that the Enola Gay was named after the pilot of the plane's mother, Miss Enola Gay Tibbets. Of course, naming the plane the Enola Tibbets would have been UNHEARD OF, and thus we get to, besides being blamed for the death of Christ, the Inquisition, and Mardi Gras, have this incident strung up on our vast clothesline of antagonism. Well, we'd like to formally introduce into Congress a bill to have the name "Enola Gay" changed to "Enola Tibbets," thus finally ending the years of suffering gays and their families have had to endure because of the bombing of Hiroshima. Please visit MoveOn.org and click on "Millions and Millions of Petitions" to help. Thank you.

Teri Hatcher continues to ruin everything.

Today, the Globes. What next, Teri, the Daytime Emmys? You're killing us, Teri. Keeeeeeeeeeling ussssssssssssssss.

Strangers Without Candy.

This news has been around for a while, but intern Sascha was apparently busy making beaded bracelets for money to "send back to my famly in Ukraine" instead of doing the job we imported him to do.

Anyway, quite simply, Warner Independent has dropped the film version of Strangers with Candy from its fall slate. Though the movie Web site is still up, jerriblank.com reports that Warners is no longer releasing the film, which was supposed to be in limited release on October 21. You can email the press office at Warner Independent and urge them to change their mind, but we got something to say! We kind of feel like maybe the movie should be a DVD extra—"Strangers with Candy" without Orlando or real Derrick feels...dirty.

Is the bitch still here?

Elton John can now add Live 8 to his list of "I Hate Everything." We don't quite know what to think of John's rants anymore, though we do know that Live 8 lacked any sense of occasion and was something of an anti-climax.

Hanks, but no Hanks.

We all saw Forrest Gump...now bugger off!

Because it wasn't quite bad enough the first time.

The subtly titled Moviehole reports on all sorts of non-Road House sequel news today. Why, there's...

Indiana Jones 4! Zoolander 2! Bats 2! The Ring 3! Men in Black 3! Sin City 2! Batman Re-begins Again!

Sheesh, if we didn't know better, we'd think it was 1985979920010205!

Tracking Ryan Phillippe.

Dlisted presents new pictures of Mr. Ryan Phillippe. We like to imagine Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Physical" playing as we view these pics. We also like to imagine we're Reese Witherspoon.

Sunset.

It appears as if Contact Music may not have been making this up after all. Apparently Rosie O'Donnell will be playing Golde, Tevye's Irish wife, in the Broadway revival of Fiddler on the Roof after Labor Day. She'll be starring opposite current Tevye Harvey Fierstein. So, if you've never wanted to hear the music from Fiddler, now's your chance.

A road house is not a road home.

We're sad to report that Road House 2 will, in face, be Swayzeless. We're also sad to report that Road House 2 is still on track to be made.

We've got answers.

Lovely NJ radio station WFMU has posted some "answer songs" on its Web site to download free of charge. What's an answer song, you ask? It's an answer to a question song, of course. What's a question song? Well, it's a song that poses a question. Kind of. Kind of? Well, it's not necessarily a question, per se, but it presents an idea or situation open to a follow up. Um...wha? Fine. We'll use an example. For instance, WFMU presents the Fabulous Marcels' "I Put the Bomp" as an answer to Barry Mann's "Who Put the Bomp," and the Dukays' "Please Help" as an answer to the Tokens' "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Do you get it now? Yes. Good. Enjoy.

The Foundation to Save Our Ears.

Dear fans, don't do it. DON'T DO IT.

Eleven rings to RULE!

You send a hobbit to fuckin' Mordor, and he thinks he can do anything.

Polly want a shotgun.

Even in death, Brando needs to eat.

The Devil and Marky Mark.

Proving that love is, indeed totally and completely blind, Garners and Afflecks plan Daredevil 2. Assholes.

And on the same page, literally, Mark Wahlberg says he's giving up acting when he's 40 so he can raise his daughter, Ella Rae, who's now two. Wahlberg is 34. In six years, Ella will be eight, so lots of the important, formative "raising" will have taken place. Better still, Wahlberg says he wants to make enough money so that he never has to work again. After we finish laughing hysterically, remind us to tell you about the time when we hated celebrities who make "career retirement" promises that usually aren't kept.

One of those crushing scenes.

Sienna has a gift for the Nanny.

Kidlebrities.

Here are six pages of what celebrities looked like when they were being neglected/abused/screamed at/punished for not being good enough/abandoned by their parents.

His royal candle.

We don't know what's creepier, wax Prince William or the girl who keeps kissing it.

Riding the bus with my Tevye.

Oh how we wish Contact Music didn't just make shit up. Or...we're glad it does. We don't know on this one.

In any case, "I LIKE MATZOH! BLAHRGRSRGRGRGRGRGRCRUNCH!"

It's a digest, blame it on Hatcher.

Because of intern Krystof's work on our last post, we have these items that should keep you busy for 5–10 seconds:

A '90s TV quiz! Remember the '90s? It's when ladies said to their gentlemen, "It's the '90s now. I'm paying!"

A celebrity transformation guide with pictures! Well, at least Jessica Simpson's transformation with pictures. We somehow got here without having to have a subscription to InStyle or being an AOL member, which is what you need to have or be to view the others. Anyway, Debra Messing still can't act to save her life, so whatever.

Lollipop heads! Or, a term created by PR people to divert attention from clients' rampant anorexia/bulemia and cocaine use.

Teri Hatcher poses biggest threat to Earth's survival.

Teri Hatcher has apparently been given the go-ahead by Hyperion to publish a book of advice entitled Burnt Toast. We have some advice for Hyperion: if you want to see your children again, you'll pretend you've never heard of anyone called Teri Hatcher and drop the project immediately. Once you've done that, we'll contact you again with further advice. Click. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

L'Alias.

Peut-etre nous addions une hot French chick? Ahhhhhhhhh...NON, le programme n'improve pas. Dommage!

Room service, please.

We're glad to see we're not the only ones using interns. Lifetime apparently hired its nighttime cleaning crew to design the section of its site dedicated to the "Golden Palace." The only real feature of the section is the "Golden Palace" message board. We were going to post some highlights, but there aren't any. There seem to be three kinds of people posting on the board, however: 1) Those who love everything "Golden Girls" and would laugh at Blanche if she farted during talking about sex, 2) Those who can't wait to see if the "Golden Palace" continues to be as good as its first episode, as if it hadn't been canceled after a season. In 1993. And 3) Those who realize how crappy the show is and try to critically dissect it so as not to piss off the people described above in category #1.

We watched the first episode last night and, despite some zesty zingers from reliable Sophia, we fall squarely into category #3. Easily. There's a kid on it.

Anyway, obviously we're going to watch every single episode. They're on at 6:30 and 11:00 p.m. EST.

Mama mia!

So we're about half a year late with this. So sue us, Vinton. Naomi, get your hands off him and do some of those dishes for a change! And Bubba, will you pick Iola up off the floor? She had some of Vinton's beer and now she's three sheets to the wind. What? Well, it's gonna be three sheets if you all don't stop driving me crazy.



Click here to see if Mama's comin' to a Branson near you.

America's Next Top Real Estate Agent.

Fantastic NYC real estate blog Curbed is holding its first Broker Boys & Babes Contest. If you've worked with a hot broker, Curbed would like you to send them all the info.

According to Curbed, current broker obsession is top model and Corcoran agent Brad Kroenig.



When we looked at a $3,000,000 place back in April, we did not have Brad Kroenig assisting us. In fact, we'd never heard of this Brad Kroenig before. So, we put intern Fiona to work to find out more about him, and oh did she ever.

Here's Brad in the third gayest picture ever:



Here's our Brads on the cover of L'UOMO and modeling a summery "morning after" look:



Aw. Here's Bradley with his family (click on the pic for the accompanying Brad-licious article. Yes, we said article!). We bet you can pick him out:



Here's an actual OK (read: without hair) photo of li'l Braddy:



And here's one of our Bradford in all his glory (not safe for work, kids!).

Wow! We're dying to know if Karl Lagerfeld comes along when Brad shows you his listing.

Alas, we're not so sure that the responses to this contest are going to be overwhelming. It's seldom that the first thing one wants to do after either paying thousands of dollars to someone who basically has done nothing but lie is promote him or her. Rather, we'd like to suggest to Curbed the "I Didn't Get That Carriage House, You Fucking Bitch" Contest. We will be happy to co-sponsor it and even submit the first tip.

HELLO beachside hunks!

HELLO! magazine lets you vote on which of six celebs you'd like to share your beach towel with! Right now Matthew McConaughey has a slight edge over the assless, hairless Prince William. Heading up the rear? Schindler, followed by Male Posh Spice. Because of our anger over the Supreme Court's interference in the 2000 election, we did not vote.

How about cra-a-a-ah-ah-ah-ah-ap.

525,000 old people singing.
525,000 careers almost dead.
525,000 years since this opened.
525,000 bullets in my head.

Obey the Law.

The Nanny Summit has commenced near Gloucester, England. No word on protesters or police action yet, but we'll keep you posted...

Love is like a butterfly with expendable cash.

This is just to let all NYC folk know (because we didn't until this weekend) that Dolly Parton will be performing at Radio City Music Hall on Thursday, August 18. Tickets are $3,500,000, $3,000,000, $2,500,000 and $2,250,000.

Apartment, please.

The NB editor needs a place to live. By himself (the interns live in the basements of their respective consulates). Not more than $1200. If, after you are done laughing hysterically, you can point him in some helpful direction besides out of NYC, please email NervyB@gmail.com. And, no, he does not care that he is using this platform for this matter. After months of providing free Bazooka-gum-wrapper-quality entertainment, he feels he is allowed to do so.

Thank you.

OH MY GOD THAT IS SO GAY.

Clay Aiken will appear on the September 14 episode of "All My Children," on which he will play himself as a guest on Erica Kane's talk show, "New Beginnings."

He was unplugged until, like, two days ago.

(You can click on the headline for the full article, but we warn you—there is a picture that's not safe for vision.)

Wea culpa.

Intern Shaiming (of course he had to get it) received an email from a reader who was a bit upset by our last post. He said it was racist. He said Chinese people do more than scream and make food. (He did not mention anything about Chinese people doing more than making knockoffs of things, however, so we are not sure if that's a matter of pride or forgetfulness.)

Listen, we apologize. We would never want to upset any of our reader. Of course we know Chinese people are capable of more than yelling and cooking. We read the June 2005 Atlantic Monthly article about how China is on its way to being a formidable force in the world. We were just having some innocent fun before we have to hide in attics and cellars while invading Chinese people try to enslave us by screaming in our ears and feeding us day-old dim sum.

Harry Potter and the BROWN RICE EXTRA DOLLAR!

Apparently they're not as fast with the books as they are with the food.

Bacall me anytime.

What makes a legend most? Constant intolerance of other celebrities.

Everything's coming up nosejobs.

We would just like to remind you that The Pocono Playhouse's production of Gypsy, starring the non in the Thunderbird, Joyce DeWitt, plays from August 17 to August 28 in Mountainhome, Pennsylvania. If you saw The Blonde in the Thunderbird, why not catch Joyce in Gypsy and then head out to Forest Lawn in the Hollywood Hills to visit John Ritter's grave and make it a trifecta!

Friend? Friend?

Your NB editor received this bit of spam in his email today:

My Friend, You are in Trouble

First of all, the "a" in "are" should be capitalized. Second of all, am I? Are we? Dear reader, because of our absence, you may wonder the same thing yourself. The answer, guerilla emailer and friend, is no. We are not in trouble. We are merely experiencing a rough patch in this musical comedy we call life. We don't quite know what the upcoming weeks will bring, but we will do our best to provide the same C-level entertainment as best we can. If there are lapses, blatant errors, humor that actually makes you laugh, we apologize.

Enough about us.

My friend, you are in apt hands.