4.27.2006

Your two video clips for the weekend, plus a game.

(For the game portion, find a recently ousted ANTM contestant's name somewhere in the copy below!)

As we're taking tomorrow off, please enjoy two, yes, two, video clips. And have a wonderful, wonderful weekennennaed.



Letters for crap.

OK, people, you have forced us to do this. From now on, if you send us a "personal" e-mail pretending that you're a fan of this blog and asking us to link you, we're going to post your e-mail and make fun of it, bit by bit.

Let's go!

Hello.

Hello.

I am a big fan of your blog and wanted to let you know that I read it daily.

No, you're not. We know the two people who read this blog daily, and they do not include you. And we know the two people who do read it daily would not be caught dead calling themselves "big fan"s of this blog. We are incapable of creating such beings.

I have a new blog called " Letters for Zac". It is a blog from the perspective of a gay father with letters written to my son, partner, and world.

That honestly sounds like the most gayly pathetic thing ever. Let's see...

Yes, it is. I'd go into Witness Protection if I were your son.

I wondered if you would consider including it in your blogroll?

Obviously not.

Thanks for your consideration.

See above.

DP

http://www.lettersforzac.com
lettersforzac@gmail.com
AIM: lettersforzac

Don't tempt us.


Petra-fied.

Beating United93 to the world by one day, model Petra Nemcova's disaster-as-entertainment, a book about her experiences during the 2004 tsunami titled, obviously, Love Always, Petra, flooded a bookstore in Prague. We obtained a copy of said book and were moved to tears by the simple, tasteful copy on the book's back:

Tsunami: still sad

Petra: still beautiful



We can't wait to read all the horrible photographs.

In related tall-women-and-nature news, ladies, put down your Fallopian tubes and pick up your test tubes because Sigourney Weaver wants more of y'all to start studying science.

Raise your right hand a little.

Please join with us in reciting this oath:

I, (state your name), do solemnly swear to continue watching and loving cycle 6 of "America's Next Top Model," as long as Tyra and company continue to make brilliant elimination decisions based not on each contestant's ability and promise but on her potential contribution to what is known as "good television." It has been clear to the viewing public for several cycles that to win "America's Next Top Model" is meaningless and even detrimental to a career in actual modeling; I am thrilled to know that the people running the show finally understand this and are handling elimination sessions accordingly. As well, I promise to further extol the program and its creators and producers should Jade "win." Oh, and please stop showing dental work.

Substitute for news.

Here's the set list for the upcoming Madonna tour, in case you've shelled out your $524.63:

Future Lovers
Get Together
Like a Virgin
Jump
Live to Tell
Forbidden Love
Isaac
Sorry
Like It Or Not
Sorry (remix)
I Love New York
Let It Will Be
Ray of Light
Drowned World/Substitute for Love
Paradise [Not For Me]
Music
Everybody
Deeper and Deeper
Lucky Star
Hung Up

These will all be performed on bedazzled roller skates on a giant disco moth ice rink in 0 gravity with blow-up Ingrid Sischys and mail order child brides eating sparkle fajitas.

Little shots of horrors.

Um, Tisha, darling, we have an extra mirror. Call us.

(Haaaaaaaay, Viv! Haaaaaaaaaay, Miss J!)



4.26.2006

Clean toilet talk.

Remember this post? Of course you don't! But what would this site be if we didn't honor a resounding dud with a follow-up post? So, ladies and gentlemens...

We have a winner!

Word of God.

You can always depend on Christianity Today to answer the most important question.

Clothes your eyes.

We just saw this pic of Mary-Kate being shielded from the paparazzi by a garment bag. Whatever. What we really want to know is who is the Hagrid-sized woman doing the shielding? Who, why, what, who, necklace, nurse's outfit etc.



And, just for fun, here's Adam Brody's spread in the final issue of ELLEgirl magazine. Yes, the final issue. Of ELLEgirl. Oh, you didn't even know that ELLE was still around? Word.

For all your hours of my work.

How could we forget?!

HAPPY SECRETARY'S DAY!

Hopefully all of you with secretaries have had them remember to buy themselves flowers or chocolates with messages like, "It's no secret-ary that you're my favorite secretary" or "Even though it's not 1957, I'll always refer to you as 'secretary.'" We had our secretary, Miss Nbote, send herself an e-card from this nutjob.

After all, if you don't remember anything else today, remember that the easiest way to get someone to remember something like Secretary's Day is to have someone else, like your secretary, remember it for you.

Festivals of retardity.

Thanks to the previous Copperfield post, we have found our new favoritest source of "celebrity" news. Are you ready?

Really?

OK.

1. Patti LaBelle performed at a Florida music festival the last weekend in March. Apparently it was cold, so audience members huddled close to each other to keep warm. Which is why she said they looked like "Katrina victims."

2. Faye Dunaway caused trouble at this year's Palm Beach International Film Festival. Obviously, this is no surprise—we're more interested in pointing out that a.) now every city in the country has a film festival and b.) people still call on Faye Dunaway to a.) act and b.) show up for things.

3. However, D.B. Sweeney caused trouble, too. Yes, D.B. Sweeney. Oh, let's just let the column speak for itself:

Organizers didn't take actor D.B. Sweeney's power play too kindly, either. My festival spy says Sweeney, best known for the skating chick flick The Cutting Edge, demanded a first-class plane ticket from Tinseltown last week. He was told to fly coach or stay home. He stayed home.

OMG, are we LOL-ing RN. Who didn't stay home?

Meanwhile, there were two last-minute boldface additions to the movie orgy: The Princess Bride's Cary Elwes and Everybody Loves Raymond's Doris Roberts.

The moral of all this hilarity? We are thrilled to see Khandi Alexander is getting work.

Who you callin' "shrimp"?

Guys, it's a giant scrimp!

Magic: the robbery.

David Copperfield was our hero when we were eight. After reading this quote from an article detailing how the illusionist was assaulted after a show in Florida (of course)...

Copperfield told Page Two he pulled out all of his pockets for Riley to see he had nothing, even though he had a cellphone, passport and wallet stuffed in them.

...
he is once again our hero.

Jolly ranchers.

Please be aware that what could be the best reality show of the year, if past years are any indication, airs this Monday, May 1 through Thursday, May 4. We suggest rounding up some cowboys of your own, getting them drunk and having your...oh...we mean, we suggest tuning in.

4.25.2006

Flop model.

We're not going to even bother watching the dribbly gristle of a promo clip for "America's Next Top Model" this week. Why? you ask. Because, "At the photo shoot, the girls are put into harnesses and wired to hang over a floating market to pose as freshly caught mermaids."

That's all we needed.

Your video clip of the day.



(Sorry. We obviously tried.)

It's really happening!

Here's grand news for the gay community. (Come on, we had to do three. No matter how lame something is, you gotta sell it.)

"Die-nas-tee" not "Dee-nas-tee."

OK. This article about the upcoming May 2 "Dynasty" reunion special is today's NB...

MUST READ!

For, where else are you going to experience copy such as...

"'We haven't all been together for a really long time,' says Linda Evans, who looks like classic Krystle in a draped black-and-white-striped chinchilla wrap over a periwinkle-blue gown designed by 'Dynasty' wardrobe wizard Nolan Miller."

...or...

"Before they begin, Joan Collins issues a stern warning: 'Can I ask everyone behind the camera to be absolutely still?' Later, she scolds, 'Even if someone puts their hand in their pocket, it distracts me.'

...or...

" When Collins, who remained with "Dynasty" throughout its run, announces that she quit as well, her castmates look at her dumbfounded. 'Well, I wasn't going to come back,' she explains, 'so they canceled the show.'"



UPDATE:
Here's a pic of the reunion crowd. We estimate the collective cost of plastic surgery on display at somewhere between $40 decibillion and infinity.

You'll need a bodyguard.

Here's grand news for the gay community.

Williams so no 'mo.

Here's grand news for the gay community.

What it isn't.

Yes, we're here. No, we don't got nothin'. Truth be told, it's a hectic week around NB headquarters. We got extensions on all the interns' (well, the legal ones) taxes, so we're busy figuring out how many Kronas the federal government needs for another five desert-colored tanks. Did we say that? Yes! We did! Also, we're heading back to Atlanta this Thursday, so we're finally making arrangements for that as 2006 has been a poor year in the planning department. We are in the process of importing some help for that.

Anyhoots, we will do our best this week, but it may be, well, more disappointing than usual.

4.24.2006

We be Yamin.

OK.

Fans of "American Idol's" more-tooth-pulling-worthy-than-ANTM's-Joanie contestant, Elliott Yamin, have created their own club. It's called the Yaminions. And they have mugs:



Fan art:



And a pledge:

I, __________, being of sound mind, discerning ears and impeccable musical taste, do hereby pledge to power vote for Elliott Yamin, as long as I'm allowed by the AI phone lines. Neither busy signals, incomplete calls or calls of nature will deter me from my objective. I will press the redial button with gusto and purpose, and will work dilligently [sic] to improve my calls-per-minute average throughout the evening. I will do my best to ensure that the soulful voice of E! will continue to be heard each and every Tuesday night, 8 ET/7 CT for as long as possible.

This is my solumn vow.

Obviously, we just became an official Yaminion (or E! viewer), but we're kind of afraid that it may put our Parisite and McPheenin' statuses in jeopardy. No matter. All this Yaminion shit will be worthless after Wednesday.

All my troubles seemed so far away.

Where would we have been yesterday if we were cool?

Here.

We were we because we're not?

Here.

The moral? Even when you think you're properly taking advantage of New York City's cultural offerings, there will always be something better going on. Especially if you find yourself...

Here.

Your video clip of the day.

(And it's a GOOD one. It's Scott Walker's first solo appearance without the Walker Brothers. AND it happens to be on a variety show hosted by Miss Dusty Springfield. AND he sings a Jacques Brel classic, "Mathilde." Fantastique!)

Self-medicating.

Um, we're completely humbled and honored to announce that the site that once interviewed us (obviously they had run out of Internet that day) took our request to start a completely new category for us in its blogroll. Where once we appeared on the site's homepage under "Gay Blogs Just Found," we are now buried in the actual blogroll pages under our very own category. Thank you, Best Gay Blogs, for finally making us feel completely and thoroughly...

...at home.

Tooth and rail.

Yes, our posting has been affected by Blogger's weekly outage. We'll try to make amends. But you must promise not to badger us, or we'll be forced to launch an inquiry.

Monday, Monday.

Folks, we are having technical difficulties. That, and intern Jørvët has taken magic marker to wall again. We hope to be back later...

4.21.2006

Whale be seeing you.

There is now -1 reason to visit the Georgia Aquarium.

On that whale of a note, enjoy your weekend. If you're in New York, get your galoshes ready! It's gonna be a wet one. At least, that's what they're saying. So, you know—there's a 30% chance of 100% chance of rain actually occurring. We'll be back next week unless we meet a wealthy businessman, in which case we won't be back ever. We promise.

Bucks fizz.

We paid a visit to one of our favorite places today: the Web site for the Bucks County Playhouse. You may remember the attention given to the site last year when Joyce DeWitt starred in a production of Gypsy there. Or you may not. In any case, today's visit netted two wonderful items:

1.) A tribute to Don Knotts, created by a woman named Belinda Balaski who starred with Knotts in 1977 in a non-comedic play called A Good Look at Boney Kern. Here's a moving anecdote from Belinda:

We would always have to hold the opening line when he appeared on stage because the audience would begin to laugh uncontrollably. It was from years of relating to him as Barney Fife, although he would only stand there and do nothing. After that, he was able to "get them" into the play and soon they would forget his comedic side... he just loved that and wanted to do more serious parts.

2.) The cast list, with headshots, for the current production of Seussical: the Musical. Playing the lead part of the Cat in the Hat is Louis Palena, a proud 10-year veteran of the Bucks County Playhouse. He looks like this:



Two bios below his is one for a woman named Jill Palena. She shares the same last name as Louis. She looks like this:



Chances are she is either his sister or his wife. Quite obviously, "sister" would make more sense, but, experience in this field (not to mention what Jill looks like) tells us that Louis and Jill are, in fact, married. We're sure you'd agree. And we wish them the best of luck with that. In a hat. On a mat. Near a bat.

Charges dropped.

Seriously, guys, drinking and driving affects everyone.

Composure lost.

Your video clip of the day.

Idol threat.

L.A. friends, you may want to stay outside a 200-mile radius of Dodger Stadium tonight. Go to a movie—it's officially much safer.

Ladies...

Ladies. LADIES! LADIES!!!!!!

The pride of Wildenstein.

Oh, we might as well continue with the theme...



Wethinks the collagen is leaking into Jossie's lower jaw. Anyway, whatever's going on, it's beautiful. BEAUTIFUL.

Sold.

Don't worry...



...it's dead.

ADDENDUM:
It's true! Elaine Young's Web site does feature this now literal introduction...



Thank you, Tim, for pointing that out. Feel free to do actual research for us anytime.

4.20.2006

Unauthorized.

We were just reading TIME magazine (OK—just looking at the pictures. Of Senators. But that's because we needed something to do on the porch*) Hanyway, we'd just like to officially state that we absolutely, unabashedly, thoroughly loathe book ads that include a headshot of the author. Just because Tim Green kind of looks like a circa-1991 Dennis Quaid doesn't make us want to buy his "unforgettable tale of a shocking act—and its devastating consequences" anymore than we wouldn't want to already. Really. It doesn't. In fact, it makes us want to go to every airport bookstore, find every copy of Tim Green's unforgettable tale of a shocking act—and its devastating consequences, and write "ONE OF PRINCE'S DANCERS" next to each picture of Tim Green sure to be located on the back of the dust jacket.

Speaking of airports, if you need us, we'll be at the bar. Good night.



*Fire escape

Apollonia 13.

From today's episode of Popbitch:
One of Prince's dancers, Cecilia Maximilia, was
arrested this week at the airport in Rio De Janeiro
on her way to Paris, with 20kg of cocaine.
Yes. 20kg. And we have the screenshots!







Yeah, we don't give a shit about this, either. However, we would like to be referred to from now on as "one of Prince's dancers, Cecilia Maximilia."

Hu goes there.

Yeah, we wouldn't touch him, either. You know, bird flu and all.

Your video clip of the day.

Unsweet.

How dare you knock "Honey."

HOW.

DARE.

YOU.

Jackied up.

Anything Jackie Stallone is fine by us, so enjoy this really stupid link. And, no, it doesn't link back to this post.

Lost, party of five?

Who doesn't just play a handsome hero on a mysterious island on TV? Click here to Matthew F-ox-ind out!

Good night.

What happened last night?

Three Days of Rain opened, which is only important because it provided photo ops for Bradley Cooper and Paul Rudd. Ignore the giant-mouthed, otherwise plain, woman.



TV had a long overdue Face-lift.



Tyra stayed true. To our wishes. Sure, we liked giant-lipped Brooke OK, but you know how we feel about Jade. Obviously you do. Thank you. We're asssssssswirl!

4.19.2006

This bird has flew.

One of these statements regarding ABC is true. Which is it?

1.) ABC is bringing back "Alias" tonight so it can be killed off with the ounce of dignity it's managed to retain.

2.) ABC is producing a TV movie called Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America.

Click the 30 über Nacht poster for the answer*.



*For those of you who thought it was #1, while it's true "Alias" is returning tonight, it hasn't had a shred of dignity since the end of season 2. Alas, the first statement is technically not true.