Sense of charity.

Dear Lance Bass,

Congrats on being gay and all. Now be a sweetheart and give JC your nose job, would you? Thanx!


Mediocre is the new good.

For all we know, Best of Craig's List has been around for years. But we just found it, so we'll link it here so you, too, can experience a whole lot of made-up shit. Enjoy!

(Since we include a photo with every post, we'll just post what we found when we searched Google images for "best.")

Drained of life.

And now for some real fun! Via Mental Floss, we get the Wikipedia entry on toilet-related injury. Come on, at least we didn't post about bronze Suri poop. Well, not before that. ANYWAY, the entry once and for all states that both George II of Great Britain and producer Don Simpson absolutely died on the toilet. Well, absolutely in the Wikipedia sense. Meaning that they probably died whilst on the toilet. Which has nothing to do with the section on possible toilet-located deaths. Which we'll have to downgrade to possibly possible toilet-located deaths. The thing is, people, it's funny because they died on the toilet. Get it? Toilet = funny. That's the point we've been trying to make all along. Jesus.

Your video clip of the day.

Cocked and loaded.

Ever since we went to college in Tallahassee, Florida, we've been kind of obsessed with normal objects, buildings, etc. that look EXACTLY like penii.* (If you've ever been to Tallahassee, Florida, a.) sorry and b.) you know what we're talking about.) To add to the list, then, is this collection of phallic advertising logos from around the world. Filthy admen!

*This really isn't true, but we needed a good lead-in. We've always been obsessed with things that look like penii, especially penii.

The wonderwall is really thin.

Well, we're pleased to announce you're finally going to be able to stay in that crappy second-rate hotel that sounds just like the Beatles.

You better think.

There's more to this pic of Aretha. The question is, Are you strong enough to handle it? Click on the photo if you are, but we urge you to think about what you're trying to do to yourself before you make a decision.

Jet lag.

As per usual, there's not much to say about last night's Project Runway because the designers are suh bo-ring. Talented, but bo-ring. We did like them being flown to Paris for their next challenge mainly because we heart Paris. We don't quite know what happened with the random French woman Tim Gunn introduced at Parsons Paris because we couldn't understand a word she said. Not a word. But it did end with Angela being put right back on a plane to America. Poor Angela. The challenge was to design something for an international jetsetter. Angie apparently misheard and designed something for an international babysitter...


Ah, well. At least we still have the magic that is Vincent. And Kayne. And wake us when Michael wins.


Sir William of Gates.

We had to do one more post so anyone coming to this site for the first time or, by some very small chance, returning, won't have to see Haley Joan's enormous face staring at him or her.

Enjoy, then, faux training videos The Office's Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant did for Microsoft UK. And, yes, Ricky Gervais is playing David Brent in them. Which means they're better than anything you'll ever do ever.

Pay forwarded.

Here's Haley Joan Osborne's mugshot (courtesy of TMZ). At this point we're getting a little nervous that his awkward stage isn't a stage.

Spine tingling.

Sorry. We just had to post this sentence from Zap2it.com's lead-in to its story on the second-season premiere of some TV show called Bones...

"Viewers can expect a tangled web of anthropology, crime-solving and sexuality."

Thanks for indulging us.


After witnessing the commercial last night, we have one question for every human:

Do we really hate ourselves this much?

Thanks but no Swanks.

Hilary Swank is a very fine actress. Very fine. When she's playing a boy. Which leads us nicely into our point: Hilary Swank is not pretty. She just isn't. Just like we're not tall and we never will be. So, world, please stop trying so hard to make us believe she is. Deal? Great.

Your video clip of the day.


Madames et monsieurs...

Fat butt.

Hellicle cat.

Madames et monsieurs...



Taylor Hicks settled his lawsuit with producers today and then promptly turned into Constantine Maroulis.

(We can't believe we actually just typed both those names. We have to go wash our hands. BRB.)


We barely survived.

Sorry, New Orleans, but the 9/11 families insisted we get this one, too.


We are clearly totes gonna have to start watching Nip/Tuck. (And, no, these are not the Mario Lopez pics that everyone and his pervy mother have posted today. Well, they are, but there are more. And others. Don't question us.)

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Pics don't lie.

After watching the horrifyingly humiliating video of Jon Voight calling his granddaughter Shakira, we found this...

She's alive! And apparently as batshit crazy as ever. God bless her.

Your video clip of the day.

How to lose a guy in two ways.

Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson are apparently giving love another chance. Which we hope will involve getting the kid a fucking haircut. IT WANTS TO BE THE BOY THAT IT IS.

Hurricane who?

Today's New Orleans dispatch on Slate is entitled "The Best Jokes About Katrina," a topic we were maybe a little too excited to enjoy. However, after reading the article we came to one conclusion: comedy may be tragedy plus time, but tragedy is always comedy minus any ability to be funny. Hang in there, New Orleans—we hear Hurricane Nadine is going to be a hoot.

Sounds delicious.

Here's a way to include your needy family members in your upcoming Labor Day BBQ without having to invite them.


Great. Just what we needed. Another reason to hate Demi Moore. Great.


So not boss.

Ladies, are you being dragged to the game by your man? Do you feel like you never have anything cute to wear when being dragged to the game? Well, ladies, you're going to have to wait a little longer. In the meantime, ex-celeb Alyssa Milano has designed some sportswear for you to wear in case you want to have a tea ceremony at the Yankees season opener.

Easy on the face gloss, girl.


Admission of guilt.

Before we go, we'd like to say something that's been troubling us for a long time. This may come as a shock to our regular readers, and it certainly will to our friends and family. But it's something we feel is due for public airing. It's only fair to those involved.

Ten years ago, we killed JonBenet Ramsey in the largest, most luxurious oceanview bungalow at the Four Seasons Hotel in Hualalai, Hawaii. In order for us to recall the exact details, we'll need to be flown there, nonstop, from either Newark or JFK (preferably JFK). And we'll need at least ten days there (three meals a day, plus dessert at night) for everything to come back to us fully.

Thank you for your attention. Again, we apologize for the pain this statement will cause.

Oh, and we don't eat dairy.

Dark chocolate.

Whilst visiting the M&Ms Web site to attempt to understand the company's entirely bizarre, confusing and dangerous offer of two million free dark chocolate M&Ms for finding Edvard Munch's The Scream, we stumbled across this even more horrifying...concoction.

If anyone is brave enough to make it and try it, please email us photos with descriptions. We'll post them on this site and totally make fun of you. If you live to tell about it.




Just so you know...


...is on DVD, while this...

...still is not.

Just so you know.


Head over to the Blair Necessities for the latest Coffee Talk Companion!

Or don't, and totally save four minutes of valuable time.


¡Hola! We're working on a Coffee Talk Companion presently. So, you know, hold your horses.

In the meantime, enjoy some assholes complaining.

The image “http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/090201/shut-up.gif” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.


Caught in the Web.

And now we send you off into that good weekend with MyDeathSpace.com (via the Best Week Ever blog), a site that lists all the people with MySpace profiles who have died since creating their profile. Yes, this is serious stuff. A little creepy, too. But at least now you can find out that the guy who decided to pick up a downed power line enjoyed listening to Easy E.

Have a good one!


Here at the NB, we occasionally like to help. So, let us help to add to this city girl's "worldwide humiliation."

Also, let us suggest that after potentially being laughed out of Europe, we know the perfect place for this girl to find employment. It's on an island called Manhattan, and such organizational skills, attention to detail and, most especially, tone are appropriate for any associate position at any magazine, cable network, PR agency, casting agency, modeling agency or boutique coffee shop there.

Your video clip of the day.

Go away, you.

You know who we can't stand? Rachel Bilson. Admittedly, we've never seen her actually in movement, but every single photo of her, whether it be "sexy"...

...or cutesy...

...makes us want to grab that wig of hair off her head, make a Swiffer our of it, go to Adam Brody's house and make out with him all day.

That is all.

Not the planet, the car.

The NB would like to announce it has finally located the place where celebrity breathes its last breath before it dies forever: Club Saturn.

Ab-solutely pec-tacular.

To celebrate Friday, here's the best gayest quiz ever. And don't worry about answering correctly—we're all winners here!



Have we mentioned that we hate Florida?

Hot off the press.

Apple just announced it is recalling 1.8 laptop batteries due to potential overheating and b...ARGH, OUR HANDS!!!!!!! SOMEONE GET US SOME WATER!!!!!!!!! ARGKFDF:SJLFKMVC m,.,V??DV.........v

Your video clip of the day.

Mom's all talk.

My very educated mother just showed us nine...ouch.


From Stereogum, here's a not-quite-panda-adorable pic of Sufjan Stevens and David Byrne from last night's Bookeaters benefit at Beacon Theater event that we forgot to attend.

We'd very much like David to be our dad and Sufjan to be our husband, just so you know. Tonight we will forget to attend Neko Case's concert at the McCarren Park Pool (It starts at 6 and it's $35. Come on.), but we'd very much like Neko to be our mom.

Hung up.

Crap. We have something in common with Guy Ritchie. BRB.

Wild Korses.

OK. Three things about last night's Project Runway, and then we'll leave it alone.

1.) HOW DID THIS WIN???????????

Srsly, people. Fine—we campaigned for Vincent at the beginning just because he seemed like good TV. He is not. We were wrong. We now have two debacles on our hands after last week's ousting of Allison and this week's non-winning of Uli. Memo to judges: GET RID OF VINCENT. Now. Like, right now. Like, we don't even need to see it. Just make him go away.

2.) We finally figured out who Michael Kors looks like: a female version of his mother.

3.) Congratulations to Project Runway for what may have been the most uncomfortable, awkward and downright psychotic idea in reality show history. Getting innocent family members involved in their crazy kids' game show dreams is questionable enough. But forcing the kids' to design for another contestant's mother/sister via a humiliating grade-school-style kickball pick-off (we know there's got to be an easier way to say that; we just can't figure it out) is even more cringe-inducing. And when Jeffrey ends up with nemesis Angela's mom, it's, well, this...

Utterly horrifying.

And completely wonderful.

Thanx, PR. We luv ya. NOW GET RID OF VINCENT.

What a zoo!

Via Popbitch...

Sporty Yorkie...

Cat 3000...

And what may be the cutest picture ever. (Yes, we do have a soul.)


A fact.

Just so you know...

...the upcoming film, Sex and Death 101, starring Simon Baker and Winona Ryder and written and directed by Daniel Waters of Heathers fame, will have its featured role of Trixie, Simon Baker's character's willing assistant, played by none other than...

Mindy Cohn.

Just so you know.

Helmets, yes. Pasties, no.

While it's true we're not generally a fan of boobs, we most assuredly are a fan of...

Boobs on Bikes!

And, before you get all righteous and judgy on us, please note we're not the only ones.

(Please note, too, that some of the linked images are not safe for work, though they are plenty safe for hilarity.)

Your video clip of the day.

Crystal ball.

One question:


Sorry for the yelling. It's just that we'd like to have been apprised sooner of a game show that employed both Richard O'Brien and the future. That's all.

Posh spiked.

If you're wearing something this subtle and demure...

...you really should act the part.