How to build the perfect Cylon.

According to an article on Slate.com today, there are approximately 10 billion podcasts created by the writers and producers of Battlestar Galactica, easily the best drama currently on television. We don't listen to podcasts because not only can't we deal with "podcast," but we also don't have time to listen to anyone else but ourselves speak. However, we bring you this information because...

If you really want to understand what makes Battlestar Galactica great, scroll through the iTunes list to the podcasts called "Battlestar Galactica Writers Meeting." These are four hours of unedited recordings from the writers' room, and they're fascinating, even for the uninitiated. The podcasts are like a master class in how to make good television.

If we did listen to podcasts, we'd totally listen to that one. But we don't, so we won't. Here's a pic of Bamber.

Gimme an A+!

Just so you know, if you're not watching this, you're missing out on this:

And so much more. Like freestyle dancing, "sexy walks," gauze lens vs. non-gauze lens, a pocket-sized and bewildered Japanese cheerleader and a move we have affectionately deemed the "lipsmacker." So, like, turn off the snoozefest that is Top Model and turn this shit on. After all, you ain't got no alibi!

Wii are the world.

As long as we don't have a Wii (and we don't because we're kind of not in the mood to stand in front of a store for hours starting at 4 a.m.), we will be forced to amuse ourselves by reading about people accidentally hurling their Wii remotes through their TV and computer screens. Which ultimately will probably be more entertaining than the Wii itself.


Cabin fever.

We just posted a new Coffee Talk Companion at the Blair Necessities. Click here to read it!

Or don't, and be a Big Brother to a baby in Darfur.


Your video clip of the day.

We stole this video from Go Fug Yourself, but it's really important.
1.) It features husband and wife Peter Andre and "Jordan" singing "A Whole New World" from Disney's Aladdin. If you don't know who these two are, it would behoove you to do some research.

2.) Or not. Two talentless adults (or one talentless couple) very sincerely singing "A Whole New World" in a black-and-white video should be enough to entertain without any context.

Alpha gamma epsidead.

From Ian:

Kill your own Russian spy!

(Yeah, we're too tired to even write our own bad jokes.)

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Romancing the tone.

It's nice to see that Kathleen Turner's one horrible outfit is reversible. Or...the lapel is...or...something.

Black Tuesday.

Oy. Our body is still in shock from the 762 pounds of food we ate this past week. Honestly, we just cried gravy. Like the guy from Casino Royale. But gravy. Not blood. Gravy.

Anyway, enjoy this bit of nostalgia while we recover. It gets rilly good at the 18-second mark.


I had the most wonderful dream...

Sorry for the intrusion, but we just have to mention that we actually teared up on hearing about the passing of director Robert Altman. He is responsible for our two favorite films, Nashville, the best American film about America ever made, and 3 Women, an homage to Persona and definite inspiration for Mulholland Dr. If you've never seen either of these films, you now have Thanksgiving homework.

Thank you, Mr. Altman. And consider Quintet already forgotten about.



We planned to post today and tomorrow, but we're already in the holiday spirit, so we're going to call it a week. Consider it something else to be thankful for. And, anyway, judging by the New York City sidewalks this weekend, which were filled with only tourists and crazies, everyone else has called it a week. So, use this time to start cookin', get some shoppin' done, see a movie, sell drugs to teenagers so you can afford that $2,200 PS3 on eBay, whatever. But, most of all, buy us a Wii. Sorry. Most of all, have a very happy Thanksgiving.

And, OK, here's something for the road.


Is your betty ready?

And finally, via OMG Blog, meet betty!

Have a good weekend, yo.

Your video clip of the day.

For your ears only.

In honor of tomorrow's exciting Casino Royale release (and because we'll be in absentia) here's our Bond-appropriate post. It's true that we do love James Bond films (well, it is!), and it's also true that we love some James Bond theme songs. Which is why we're going to do one of those lists where we pretend to hand out specific awards relevant only to the theme of this post. Fun, right? In a kind of "been done so many times way"? Cool.


Best Bond theme song ever
Duh. Call us cliché for picking it, but there's a reason it's the best. Blaring Bassey plus blaring brass somehow equals smooth sublimity. In an over-the-top way, of course, but only just enough to be perfectly suited to the tongue-in-cheekiness of James Bond. This is the definitive James Bond theme song—it has been imitated but never matched.

Worst Bond theme song ever
"Die Another Day"
Duh. Awful. Just awful. And not just because it's Madonna. Because it has nothing to do with anything Bondish. Totally unsexy. Die another day? How about right now!

Best Bond theme song not used as a Bond theme song
"Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang"
Written for the opening credits of Thunderball but shuffled to the closing credits, this Dionne Warwick gem would have gotten the fourth Bond film off to a sultry, slinky, sexy start. Instead it was replaced by Tom Jones's bombastic "Thunderball," a not entirely poor alternative, but certainly more, ahem, silly than sinister. Just to note, Shirley Bassey also does a marvelous version of "Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang." Of course she does.

Most underrated Bond theme song
"License to Kill"
We may get slaughtered for this (by the two other people on this planet who care), but we're gonna go with Gladys Knight's "License to Kill" from the 1989 film of the same name. Yes, it's too long, and, yes, it's too radio-friendly R&B to be really good. But about half of it is truly soulful, and the signature Bond chords (I down to a flatted VI) finally get their due in an '80s Bond theme. And it's Gladys.

Most underrated Shirley Bassey Bond theme song
"Diamonds Are Forever"
It's not quite "Goldfinger," but it's also not quite "Moonraker."

Best Bond song with worst grammar
"Live and Let Die"
With this multi-tempo entry, Wings is actually responsible for a song worth listening to. Unfortunately someone didn't correct Sir Paul when he first sang, "But if this ever-changing world in which we live in..." So he sang it again at the end of the song. Yes, it happens twice in the song in which it happens twice in. Bad knight!

Best Bond song/worst Bond movie pair-up
"A View to a Kill"
Duran Duran's pop opus is the bright spot in an otherwise unfortunate film. No, it's not the worst Bond movie, thanks to the presence of Grace Jones, Christopher Walken and a blimp, but it's the worst Bond film with the best song.

Worst Bond song/worst Bond movie pair-up
Shirley Bassey proves that the third time's not a charm; it's a 0-gravity snoozefest. And the movie's even worse. Truly a low point in the Bond canon. For shame.

Best Bond song we never really gave a chance to
"Nobody Does It Better"
This Carly Simon entry from the excellent "The Spy Who Loved Me" has been so overplayed on the radio (especially when we were young) that we only recently stopped to notice its truly stellar vocals and its stunning, torchy chord changes. It's really the perfect sexy song for this Roger Moore return to sexiness!

Worst Bond song at least one person will try to convince you is good
"The Living Daylights"
A-ha's contribution to Timothy Dalton's first foray as Bond is a droning, too-late-for-New-Wave mess. It's just not good. Period.

Best Bond song of the Pierce Brosnan era
Quite frankly, we find this Tina Turner entry, plus Sheryl Crow, Garbage and Madonna's subsequent entries, all over the place in terms of their trying to be faithful to the Bond style and sound. They're mishmashes of ersatz spy-style music, messy electronica, overproduced vocals and too-silly lyrics. Basically, they all try way too hard to be Bond theme songs (well, except for Madonna's, which doesn't really try to be anything at all). But "Goldeneye" is the most, er, subdued of the bunch and the brass punches (synth though they may be) are a nice touch. And we always enjoy anything that will make us think of "We Don't Need Another Hero," the good Tina Turner theme song.

So there you have it, kids. Your unsolicited Bond theme song awards ceremony. Congratulations to all the winners, and better luck next year to all the losers. Now, can we get a concert tour of all these artists and songs, like the one they did after Dirty Dancing's soundtrack went quintuple platinum? We'd so go. For free.

Terminal decision.

One of our favorite buildings in NYC (and one that we actually had the pleasure of experiencing before it was closed) is up for grabs, so, New Yawkahs, get ready to be proud of the world's coolest Whole Foods, Rite Aid or, fingers crossed, OTB.

Whoa, buster.

If you totally loved Arrested Development, you'll probably kind of like The Thick of It.

Dance of the lord.

What other blog would dare skip over the Daily Mail's coverage of Michael Jackson's kid-rich, microphone-lacking performance of "We Are the World" and go right to the article about Michael Flatley's very serious illness? Yeah, we thought so.


Sultriness you can dance to.

The Internet is abuzz with People's Sexiest Mens Alives! We happen to think George Clooney is a perfect choice for the #1 spot—he's attractive, intelligent and gay. What has us most thrilled right now, though, is a certain Sexiest Men-themed video at People.com And, by "thrilled" we mean "laughing so hard our face almost dropped off." Enjoy! (Oh, and enjoy this while you're at it, why don't ya.)

Unwanted Gest.

Thanks god for England and its tabloids! Well, how else would we get photos of David Gest in a tank of alligators and with a spider on his Minnelli-bashed head? (Except now we may have to replace our initial Christmas card idea. Great. Just great.)

Your video clip of the day.

Big D-.

We'd just like to congratulate the Jews who run Hollywood* for ultimately basing a movie no one's the least bit interested in on a movie no one saw. Nice work.

*We can say that because it's true.

Help me, Antonio!

Here's the latest edition of Melanie Griffith:

At this point, she has basically ceased to look like Melanie Griffith, which leads us to believe that perhaps whatever this is has hidden Melanie Griffith in its abnormally enormous breasts.

In any case, let this be our three-kajillionth opportunity to link you to Melanie Griffith's Web site.


Lean your ear this way!

P-H-E-W! Thanks to Rich at fourfour, we totally have our Christmas card for this year. (We were starting to get worried. It is almost Thanksgiving, after all!)

A mighty deed.

Oh, one2believe, don't fret. Just because Toys for Tots defied the government by actually upholding the whole separation of church and state thing doesn't mean it has to be a bleak Christmas. Listen, if you send us a bunch of your talking Marys, we're sure we can find lovely homes for them here in New York. Primarily in Chelsea and the West Village, which, really, is so much more chic than, say, wherever Marine reservists' children might be living. (Oh, and don't worry about her subsequent meth addiction—you can't see her teeth, so no one will know.)

When the war came.

We saw two shows during the recent CMJ Festival, one of which was the Decemberists' sold out show at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Now, we are not as passionate as the most steadfast Decemberists defenders who treat Colin Meloy like he is some kind of pop messiah. Nor are we as simple-minded as to call him, as others have, a hack with a pocket thesaurus. We think the Decemberists are a perfectly fine pop band that has written and performed some perfectly lovely songs generally always with perfectly wonderful melodies. Heck, for their ability to actually come up with a melody alone, we applaud them.

However, a recent article written by the Village Voice's Chris Ott about the show we attended brings the pro-/anti- Decemberists debate to a whole new level, basically to that of "I hate you so much, you stupid, stupid, stupidface." We have rarely seen a review as angry as this one and seemingly on a personal level. Meaning, we LUVS it.

But wait—there's more!

Should you choose to read the review, and you should, be sure to stick around for the comments which should be read from the bottom of the page up. That's where you'll be able to find out what one of Colin Meloy's ex-girlfriends thinks of the article. And how Chris Ott feels about how one of Colin Meloy's ex-girlfriends feel about the article. And how one poster named "PSouthern" bitch slaps them both.

O, Valencia, indeed!

Your video clip of the day.

Yes, Graydon, that is Jodie Foster.

Picture paged.

We don't know what Google's doing here, but we're beginning to fear they want more than just control over the Web. That said, we'd still work for them FOR PAY in a millisecond, so, Google, if you need a jaded gay who's the same height he was at his Bar Mitzvah, label us interested!

Enyo face.


This is important for three reasons:

1.) Dionne Warwick's skin has been surgically altered enough times to make a skin care line kind of moot at this point.

2.) It's called "Enyo."

3.) This:

4.) This:

5.) This:

(We're pretty sure "See for yourself" can't be trademarked at this point.)

6.) The fact that the last time Dionne tried to hock something, it didn't go so well.

7.) It features more purple than both the gayest float in the gayest parade ever and NYU.

Did we say three reasons? Sorry.

Anyway, folks, if you're part of Dionne's fan club, you can get special discounts on this stuff. You can apparently join the fan club here, though this phrase, "THE DIONNE WARWICK INTERNATIONAL FAN CLUB accessible at DWIFC@aol.com..." leads us to believe that, not unlike her knowledge of skin care, Dionne Warwick's knowledge of the Internet is limited.


The best part of this all? On her actual Web site, the one at which you can't join the fan club, we found Dionne's "Message from Dionne," which, this month, includes this nugget:

my family, whitney, cissi, (whitney's mom), her brothers gary and michael, her daughter, bobbi kristina, her sister in law, pat, my nieces, britney and alyssa, my nephews, alex, and barry jr., my sister dede warwick, my cousin felicia moss eaton, my grandchildren cheyenne and kaelyn just recorded together a song called "family comes first" potentially for the new tyler perry film "daddy's little girls"

That's a whole lot of fucked-up in one studio! We can't wait to hear it. We imagine it will sound a lot like when you tune your Radio Shack walkman to AM.

OK. We have to go apply some Enyo to our nose, yo. We want to see if by applying enough, our nostrils will expand so you can see our skull, too! Ciao!

What's Malawian for 'Put down the child'?

Do they have clinics for this? (Yeah, we'll be asking the unfunny questions till Lisa Whelchel decides to actually do some work already.)



The mouth of Laura Mars.

Q: What's crazier than Faye Dunaway?

A: Faye Dunaway's 3,549 new teeth.

More buff than beautiful.

This is a retarded poll, but we felt the need to share because we did so well (via Ditherings):

Your Movie Buff Quotient: 80%

You are a total movie buff. Classics, blockbusters, indie favorites... you've seen most of them.
Your friends know to come to you whenever they need a few good DVD rental suggestions.

Ah. Here's a much more appropriate poll for us. Unfortunately, the outcome is not as...pretty as we would have liked. Bitches.

You Are 44% Lady

You're part lady, part modern woman.
Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly.

Your video clip of the day.

Et two?

We honestly had no idea $2 bills were still being printed. Guess it's time to throw away all the ones we've been keeping as "rare" items. Sheesh. (Via kottke. And, yes, we did read the article. Mostly.)

You're the 73-year-old I don't want.

As hard as it may be to believe, Didi Conn was all set to reprise her role as Frenchy, the beauty school dropout, in Grease 3. Unfortunately, the rest of the cast wasn't so eager to be septuagenarian high school students.


Lisa Whelchel's being a Lazy Lulu presently. Maybe god decided not to wake her. In the meantime, here's the trailer for the Simpsons movie.


Pas d'infinité.

Via kottke, enjoy this glorious Wikipedia entry on international faux pas. But don't eat it with your left hand in Malaysia. Or call someone after 10 p.m. to tell someone in Norway, Sweden or Denmark about it. Or Finland. The things listed under Norway, Sweden and Denmark also apply to Finland. Speaking of, are we talking too much?

Your Jessica Harper video clip of the day.

Could have Gest.

David Gest is booked to appear on the new season of Britain's hit reality show I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! However, his failure to get on a plane to take him to the show's jungle location caused one insider to say, "Everyone’s just hoping he turns up tomorrow, otherwise it will be a disaster." Causing us to say, We're pretty sure if he does turn up, it'll still be a disaster. Causing us to add, Someone please put this on YouTube.

Web web.

We understand people are interested in this, so here's a quick link to the Spiderman 3 trailer. We never saw 2, so we haven't a clue what's going on in it.

Harper's bazaar.

Oh, and in case you didn't know and do care, Jessica Harper hocks kids' books now. And, also in case you didn't know and don't care, we are listening to the song on her homepage for the second time now. It really doesn't matter what she's singing, be it "Little Black Dress" from Shock Treatment or the aforementioned "It's a Wonderful Life" from her homepage, we are rapt. Rapt! And, yes, we did just join her fan club. We'll let you know when we get our Jessica Harper bookmark. We can't wait!

Tarnished purl.

Funny. We were just in the midst of one of our bi-monthly Jessica Harper obsessions (if you've never seen Phantom of the Paradise, you have homework for the weekend), and Datalounge goes ahead and links us to this, Karen Allen's Fiber Arts Web site. What does this have to do with Jessica Harper? Not much except that we think the two women kind of look alike and they were in movies people actually saw somewhat more or less at the same time. Thanks to this link, we now know what Karen Allen is up to: making hideously ugly knitwear.

On a positive note, at least Karen Allen's keeping busy. God bless her. And you know what you're buying your significant other for Chanukah. (Check out the hats for that really unspecial no one!)


The least we can do.




(Seriously, you try finding something that isn't about Britney or the fucking election. Geez, people that's so November 7th. SNOOZE.)

Eh, just watch this:


Let freedom ring.

We're calling it a day. We have to go give some terrorists blueprints for the Holland Tunnel. Take care!

Oh, here's what we're wearing:

And here's the back. Yeah, there's a back to this one. Later!

U.S., eh?

This was just linked on Datalounge, and we want to pass it along to you, in case, like us and because of the excellent American public school system, you know what's happening today but you don't know what any of it really means. It's Ben's Guide to the U.S. Government. And... it's FOR KIDS! Just click here and then click on the red section of the kite that says "K–2" (obviously) for a crash course explaining, essentially, that "Our nation has people who are in charge and they make up the government."

So interesting. And E-Z 2 understand. Thanks, Ben!

Who's afraid of Virginia, Wolf?

Montana just went to the Dems! AND...
Skeletor resigned!

Not to get all political today, but, too bad. This information makes us feel the opposite of this:

NOW WHERE'S OUR DOLLY?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

The many faces of Sarah Maria Santorum.

Poor baby. (We mean the doll.)