Nervous Breakdown

GDI, DFW.

2008-09-17T15:52:00.004-04:00

So, as you may know, David Foster Wallace committed suicide this past weekend. We're not going to try to eulogize him, one of our favorite writers ever, with memories or stories or anecdotes or criticisms or frustrations. Others have done it better than we could. We'll say one thing: If you haven't read Infinite Jest, do not. It is a life-changing book, and if anyone ever told us to read something because it was life-changing, we wouldn't. We're saving you the trouble.

Also, this week McSweeney's is posting DFW-related contributions by whomever is inclined to submit. They're all worth your time. Below is our favorite excerpt, from an account sent in by a woman who had DFW as a writing instructor way back in 1987, when he was 25:

I used to confuse "further" and "farther," and, apparently, I did it quite often. In one of my stories, I'd confused them yet again, and in the margins, he'd written, simply, "I hate you." I've never confused them since.

Jason & Ben ticket update, y'all.

2008-09-10T13:14:00.004-04:00

Tickets are going like hotcakes for our little musical! And we're not just saying that. There's proof.

If you'd like to see it (and you would like to see it because two hot guys make out in it, and also because The Large Hadron Collider didn't kill us), buy yo tix now! There are only, like, three left for the first show, and the rest are either sold out or quickly selling out. And there's no intermission, so you can't sneak in for act two and then tell us how much you loved it. Sah-ree.

Jason & Ben schedule and tickets:

Wednesday, Sep 24 at 8 p.m. SOLD OUT

Friday, Sep 26 at 8 p.m. SOUL-PATROLLED OUT

Saturday, Sep 27 at 8 p.m. SISTAH-SOULJAHED OUT

Sunday, Sep 28 at 4:30 p.m.

Saturday, Oct 4 at 1 p.m.

Sunday, Oct 5 at 4:30 p.m.

Jason & Ben

2008-09-02T15:37:00.004-04:00

Hello.

This blog seemed to be dead. But it's not. Today.

Thing is, we've been writing a musical, so cut us some slack. Said musical, Jason & Ben, will have its first performance as part of the 2008 New York Musical Theatre Festival on September 24, 2008. It stars two cute boys doing gay things. You should come.

To buy tickets, hear songs, look at the cute boys, admire the well-designed website (third party, of course), click here.

There are six performances only at the 45th Street Theatre in Manhattan, and tickets are going like hotcakes. (Gays love theater.) Meaning, buy your tickets now, or get left out on a park bench in the cold. Like in the pic below. Which ties into the whole musical. Which we wrote.

Come see.

Heeb-ie jeebies!

2008-02-04T10:53:00.001-05:00

If anyone still comes around here, we just want to let you know that we will be doing a reprise of 2006's hit reading/slideshow at Joe's Pub this Sunday, February 10, at 7 p.m. as part of Heeb magazine's Storytelling series. Tickets are a mere $15, and the show will not only be hosted by the adorable Kristen Schaal of Flight of the Conchords, but will also feature a story by the unsexiest man alive, Gilbert Gottfried.

To sum up: For $15, you get the chick from Flight of the Conchords, the voice of Iago and us showing embarrassing slides. AND six other Jewy storytellers. If that's not the bargain of the year, well, you don't know bargains from nothing.

Hope to see Jew there.

Swit, swine and Sondheim.

2008-01-30T15:44:00.000-05:00

Sometimes two of our favorite things team up to produce mind-blowing results: chocolate + peanut butter, Google + maps, Steve + Eydie.

Sometimes three do.

Mitts off my Romneys!

2008-01-09T10:42:00.000-05:00

We've been having a hard time deciding whether to support Obama or Clinton in the primaries that we're not allowed to vote in because we're registered as independent. Thankfully, a certain MySpace profile has helped us make a decision: On Super Tuesday we will unquestionably not be voting for... Mitt Romney. Why?

Well...

Hello, boys!

VERY nice work, Mitt! (Well, except for Ben, the red-shirt one. But when you're playing with Mormon DNA, something like that is bound to happen.) We'll take one Josh and Matt sandwich with a schmear of Tagg (hold the Ben) and a side order of Craig. Sorry, Barack and Hill, but while your ideals are much closer to ours than Romney's, his ideal boys are closer to our lustful heart. And since, no matter who wins in November, we're beyond fucked thanks to eight long years of whatever just happened, we'd like to watch the giant mercury-filled tidal wave wash over what used to be Planned Parenthood whilst in the sultry throes of passion.

Nervous Breakdown is proud to endorse Mitt Romney for president.

Lil Cake.

2008-01-07T15:27:00.001-05:00

Best thing ever of '08, thus far. (A related pic would ruin it, so, instead, enjoy this photo of a collectible Brussels Griffon plate.)

Do you know what the acorns are?

2007-12-19T14:58:00.001-05:00

B'WAIT!

We find it necessary to tell/remind you that Food Network will be airing the episode of Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee featuring the exceedingly infamous Kwanzaa cake, this Friday, December 21 at 12.30 p.m. That's THIS Friday. Meaning, stop what you're doing, go home, turn your DVR on and set it for Friday, December 21 at 12.30 p.m. And then don't go back to work. Go to City Bakery, get a special hot chocolate (with marshmallow, bien sûr!) and take all the to-go menus you've been collecting from your doorway over the year and kindly return them from whence they came while screaming, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!", at the top of your gin-soaked liver.

For reals. Happy fucking holidays.

O' little James of Bamber-hem.

2007-12-17T15:16:00.001-05:00

Yes, it's been almost two months. We have no excuse but death, disease, work and Alaska to offer (though not necessarily in that order). For reals. If 2007 was the worst year in the history of the 2000s (which, by the by, it was), the finale proved to be...well...grand.

In any case, thusly, such as, speaking of offers, we don't got much to offer today, except the bestest Xmas gift a boy could receive, which this boy did receive today:

Yes, it's our estranged pilot/boyfriend, and he sent us greetings across the galaxy! With three "x"s. Meaning he LOVES LOVES LOVES us. We knew it! It only took the best Christmas ever to make it true.

We hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and that you have successfully avoided both the egg nog and the family. We were this close to pulling it off. THIS close.

See you in '08!

xxx

Lost Horizons.

2007-10-19T12:11:00.001-04:00

Just feeling a bit nostalgiac for the future today...

One knight's stand.

2007-10-16T14:30:00.000-04:00

Here's the definitive way to prove once-and-for-all you're not gay...

Star in a Broadway musical!

You should have a very bad feeling about this.

2007-10-08T00:27:00.000-04:00

You know, if there were two things we were certain of, they were a.) Debra Messing is not funny, and b.) nothing could be worse than the trilogy of Star Wars prequels.

We are now only certain of one thing.

Gest appeareance.

2007-10-04T15:23:00.000-04:00

Two posts in one day? Well, we just want to make sure everyone (or, the two people who accidentally came here) sees David Gest's latest...look (courtesy of Go Fug Yourself) It is that important.

If you have any insight into what this may be, please advise.

You have to believe this is magic.

2007-10-04T11:11:00.001-04:00

This is a million times entertaininger than the travesty currently on Broadway. And a million times gayer.

Bonanza!

2007-09-20T10:59:00.000-04:00

Oh, Wednesday night, how we welcome you back with hungry, hungry arms.

1.) "America's Next Top Model" last night featured maybe the most uggers girls evah (complete with hunchback!), which is why it's going to be the best season evah. Except for the fact that Spontaniouse was spontaneously let go. Tyra, you had a contestant named Spontaniouse on your show—what were you thinking, girl??? Oh, and eliminating Marvita? Really? REALLY?

Anyhoots, we have a little more faith in the country now that clearly all the attractive girls have figured out what a career-non-maker ANTM is. Unless you're Jaslene. In which case you will eventually be employed by the National Association of the Deaf as its spokeswoman.

If this is the Future of Modeling®, we'll be present!

2.) "Kid Nation." Let's repeat. "Kid Nation." We've been excited for this show for weeks, but we had no idea how truly terrifying it would be! Like, at any moment, we were expecting that one 15-year-old Greg (clearly the one who showed up with the STDs) to just walk over and snap the neck of jittery council leader Mike.

Oh, and as hard as ANTM may have tried, "Kid Nation" featured the quote of the evening, uttered by the 10-year-old council leader Taylor:

"I don't do dishes. I'm a beauty queen."

Touché, Taylor. Tou-ché.

And it would be remiss if we didn't mention our favorite kid in the nation, Jared. According to his bio, Jared is both a fan of President Bush and the environment. Imagine that kind of internal struggle personified (and in a hat), and you'll have a good idea of what he's like.

3.) We just posted pics of Tyra in a silver shower cap and an 11-year-old boy in a mock turtleneck and straw hat in the same post. WE LOVE YOU, WEDNESDAYS!!!!!!!!!!

Say hi to Chuck.

2007-09-17T16:32:00.000-04:00

Stubborn Sam is SO stubborn, even though the Grim Reaper told him in person, he refuses to believe dear old Brett Somers is ___________.

Rah! Rah! Sis boob bah!

2007-09-06T12:04:00.000-04:00

Imagine our surprise when we turned on our DVR last night to find waiting for us the first episode of the second season of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team! Imagine your non-surprise when we insist this is the best reality show you have yet to watch. So, stop downloading porn, and go set your DVR to record the season. Now. NOW.

(Please note that, on the show's homepage, the judges are actually listed as "characters," which should give you some idea of what to expect.)

ADDENDUM: Our friend Joe asks why the show is so good. If we had any spare time right now, we'd write a five-paragraph essay. Instead we'll opt for three reasons: plastic surgery which prevents the director and choreographer from fully opening their mouths, the gauze lens which is always employed when shooting said choreographer and the prospect of another contestant having to do a book report (which actually happened last season). Oh, and the unforgiving uniforms. Four reasons. Oh, and improvised "dancing." Five. Southern ~~hospitality~~ passive aggressiveness. Six. Shimmery faces. Sev... Sorry. We have to go.

Marlboro 100.

2007-08-28T10:58:00.000-04:00

Not to interrupt the summer of Blair or anything, but we feel it's imperative to pass this article and, more, this photo on to you. Obviously.

As you were.

It's a fact.

2007-08-15T10:46:00.000-04:00

Someone is back. Here's a hint:

Here's a link.

Enhance your fancy dance pants!

2007-08-10T14:12:00.000-04:00

Break out those footy franks and the Tia Maria, Leonardo aficionados! The funniest thing to come out of Australia since anything with "crocodile" in its name is back. That's right—all 0 Australian readers of this site have only one week from Sunday until the new series of Kath & Kim premieres at 7:30 p.m. on Channel 7 there. We did a little sleuthing and found Channel 7's official Kath & Kim website featuring a hi-larious sneak peek of the upcoming season. The ladies are foxier than ever, and we hope BBC America or the Sundance Channel brings the new eppies over the ocean pacifically to our living room(/bedroom/kitchen/hamper) asap. (Or maybe someone who's reading this can tell one of their Australian friends to make torrents of the new episodes so someone—not us—can download them.)

In the meantime, why not relive the magic by ordering the season 1 and 2 box set from HMV UK—they're offering it for only £7.99 with £4 overseas shipping (that's about $24 for four discs, including shipping!) What? You say you can't play region 2 DVDs. Pshaw! Unfortunately, for season 3 and Da Kath & Kim Code, you'll have to pay retail. But it's worth it, and you'll be our second-best friend if you do.

The Sean of spring.

2007-08-08T10:47:00.000-04:00

We haven't posted any Degrassi news in a while, mostly because we lost of track of when seasons were beginning and ending. For all we know, Liberty is the size of a house and is terrorizing Canada. Oh, wait, that's what was happening the last time we watched. Anyway, this winter, Degrassi's own ne'er-do-well, Sean, will join the Broadway company of our favorite musical in a long time, Spring Awakening. No word on who he will play, but there's a one in eight chance you will get to see Sean ass. If you're into that.

We are hoping this will lead to an entirely Degrassi-populated Spring Awakening, with Snake and Spike playing the adult roles. Are you listening, Broadway??? Eh???

And a Rudy in a pear tree.

2007-07-26T13:12:00.000-04:00

Our friend Tim yesterday was all, “You gots to updates your blogs.” And we were all, “You try living with the fallout of having a steam pipe explode in front of your building and imagining you’re going to die with YOUR OFFICEMATES.”

However, because we like Tim, we’re updating today with a special “Christmas in July” post! We proudly bring you all five parts of Andy Williams’s NBC Kids Christmas Special in which you’ll enjoy Andy’s holiday shenanigans with Soleil Moon Frye, Tempestt Bledsoe, Joey AND Matthew Lawrence, Alfonso Ribeiro and… Mindy Cohn (among others)!

Pour yourself a frosty mug o’ egg nog, kindle some wood in the fireplace and relive some fantastic memories of a time when NBC made true Must-See TV®. Merry Christmas!

Diary of a mad actress.

2007-07-15T00:00:00.000-04:00

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. In the mid 1980s, James Kirkwood, one of the book-writers of the musical A Chorus Line, wrote a play called Legends!, a comedy about two aging film legends reunited to help finance a producer's movie. The parts were played by Carol Channing and Mary Martin, and after the play flopped out of town, Kirkwood wrote a book, Diary of a Mad Playwright, chronicling the backstage antics of the two ladies. (The book, though about as well-written as Legends!, is still definitely worth reading if only to get a picture of two legendary old broads misbehaving.)

This year, Joan Collins and Linda Evans starred in a touring revival of the play. Though Kirkwood passed away in 1989, Collins apparently took it upon herself to keep her own backstage diary of the current production, which the UK's Daily Mail has so graciously printed excerpts of here. We could post the Linda-Evans-effacing highlights, but that would mean you might not read the other parts, which are also Linda-Evans-effacing highlights. Rather, pour yourself a flute of champagne, click on the above link, put on your best Alexis Carrington voice and read aloud the scintillating, saucy ramblings of a self-regarded legend.

Development.

2007-07-12T14:49:00.000-04:00

Oh, and please enjoy this website (starring our new fake boyfriend, Michael Cera (hey—he's legal!)) and the glories therein.

Rough.

2007-07-12T13:48:00.000-04:00

After all this time, it turns out it's not dog.

We feel pretty tonight somewhere.

2007-07-12T00:01:00.000-04:00

You could combine Cher's defunct gothic tchotchke catalog, "Sanctuary," with her entire Bob Mackie wardrobe, and the result still wouldn't even come close to being as breathtakingly gay as what's below. Enjoy!

Old clips bite tenderly.

2007-07-07T09:43:00.000-04:00

Happy July! It's 7/7/07, and because people seem to care about that, we decided to post. What do we have for you today? Unfortunately, it's nothing that involves Bea Arthur or original songs about a national tragedy. However, because we missed posting on Independence Day, we thought today we'd do a better-late-than-never tribute to July 4, 1776, the day on which we so proudly claimed our independence from Japan. You may have seen some of these truly inspired clips on other, more...active, sites, but, really, does human Tetris really ever get old?

Iiya.

The little dog laughed.

2007-06-16T16:23:00.000-04:00

Three posts in June?!?!? It's true! This one we're a little late with, but we think you'll find it was worth the wait. In case you missed the travesty (both clothes-wise and everything else) that was the 61st annual Tony Awards (and chances are if you're human, you did), here's your 6.5-minute makeup session. When you're done, come join us at the Olive Garden; we'll be sitting with Donna Murphy's people.

Spelled out.

2007-06-12T21:19:00.000-04:00

Please join us, 3,285 Bunsen burners and one tablecloth that was pulled off the table without upsetting any of the dishes or silverware, for a moment of silence.

It's more than you plus me plus infinity.

2007-06-09T18:24:00.000-04:00

We now proudly give to you three-and-a-half minutes of NBC's 60th Anniversary Celebration that takes the two hours of Dreamgirls, puts it in a half-nelson and doesn't just choke it, but rips its head off.

No. Seriously.

All of us, victims.

2007-05-28T00:15:00.000-04:00

Well, hello! It's true—we haven't written in nearly a month. It's also true that that's not likely to change. However, while we may have taken a break, the world certainly hasn't. And, while we have no idea what's going on in said world because we no longer have the luxury of a workless workday to peruse the onlines, we still occasionally do come across a diamond in the rough. Or, in this case, diamonds in the rough. Well, actually, they're not really diamonds. They're more like pieces from Lainie Kazan's QVC collection.

The point is, you probably thought not much could be more horrific than last month's terrible tragedy at Virginia Tech. We're here to proudly tell you you would be wrong. Very, very wrong.

Without further brouhaha, then, please enjoy Nervous Breakdown's Tribute to Tributes to the Victims of the Virginia Tech Massacre. We begin with our favorite and proceed from there in order of favorite finally ending with our favorite. Peace be with you.

Allow us to explain.

2007-04-30T23:30:00.000-04:00

No, we're not dead, nor have we forgotten about you. We're between jobs and enjoying the glorious time off. How do we feel exactly? Kind of like this...

Lil Spizzy.

2007-04-11T14:40:00.000-04:00

It's not truly spring in New York City until banners announcing Spiderman Week NYC pop up on lampposts all around Washington Square. After all, April showers do bring May movie tie-ins! We visited the official SWNYC Web site to find out more information about what exactly we would not be attending and were almost finished when we spotted this:

IT'S A RAP: CLOSING NIGHT CELEBRATION
THE APOLLO THEATER
www.apollotheater.org
Sunday Only
The Apollo will host the Spider-Man Week in NYC closing-night celebration. Urban poets from the five boroughs will compose original raps about Spider-Man and his many adventures. The winner takes home a Sony Bravia™ TV.

Obviously, this little nugget made us reconsider our whole non-attendance plan. "Urban poets" composing original raps about Spider-Man and his many adventures?!?! Um, color us there! Well, color us possibly there. Honestly, there's a 2% chance we'll go to that. Fine. 1%. Er...someone's going to film it and put it on YouTube, right? Because, really—we'd hate to miss something like that.

Hey!

2007-04-10T15:30:00.000-04:00

Someone at Ubuntu is very ~~clever~~ gay.

(Pic courtesy of Rich.)

Reality check.

2007-04-05T11:49:00.000-04:00

OK. We just have to say that this "cycle" of Top Model is proving to be one of the best evah, and the reason for that can be summed up in one word:

WHOLAHAY.

Oh, and Whitelle. And NeNe, Moe, Nata, etc. Dionne was already becoming our most fave, and "Wholahay" obviously sealed the deal. And Tyra's Wholahay rechristening of "Brown" made us fall off our chairs and knock over all 36 half-empty champagne bottles on our coffee table*. And that wasn't even taking into account Brittany's Pippi-Longstocking-on-meth weave or Melrose's cameo as "name consultant."

Nice work, Ken Mok. Nice work, indeed.

And, as we may have mentioned earlier this year, we weren't planning on watching American Idol, but we most certainly are. Sanjaya was fun for a few weeks, and, of course, we are still voting for him. We think it's very unfair that the judges don't even critique him anymore—they're the ones who put him there, after all. For shame, Paula, Randy and Simon.

No, now we're absolutely enthralled because we loves some Chris and Blake. Those boys are somethin' special! The secret to keeping the love for them alive is to turn the channel when each sings, talks or moves. Simple! Oh, and also to join the Blake fan club. So, how 'bout you follow our lead and be a Blaker Girl, too?

And of you have no idea what any of the above means, what exactly are you doing with your life?

*We don't have a coffee table. We live alone in NYC. We don't have any table.

Stick with Tab.

2007-03-21T12:54:00.000-04:00

Two posts in one day!?!? What is this, December? Well, we found this over on the DL, and, well, er, um, uh, hmm, erm...

"The View" from here.

2007-03-21T10:15:00.000-04:00

Ugh. So American Idol was passable last night. Except that how did a song from a James Bond flick and "As Long As He Needs Me" from Oliver! become part of the British Invasion oeuvre? That's like us singing "Dancing on the Ceiling" on Sheila E. night. Which we plan to do. Oh—we have Sheila E. night the fourth Thursday of every month. But everyone has to bring his own drum kit.

The point is, The View has unveiled its new spring '07 mug!

This Warhol-meets-UNO monsterpiece can be yours for a generously overpriced $15.95. If you order this week, you can pick up the mug and the new View tote for only a mildly overpriced $20.90. But don't fret! Once you check out, ground shipping is $7.95 which brings the total to a generously overpriced $28.85. PHEW! We just ordered ours—look for us carrying around our View mug collection in our new View tote at a park near you this summer.

ADDENDUM:
Sorry sorry sorry! We disparaged Idol as if nothing memorable happened. Obviously we forgot about Crying Ashley. We're searching for a pic, but we have yet to find one. If you didn't tune in, imagine a blubbering starstruck eight-year-old girl's teary face on your high-definition screen every two seconds. That's Crying Ashley. And it was doubly uncomfortable and awkward (read: totally entertaining) because it happened mostly during Sanjaya's Kinks number. O, gods of television, we owe you.

ADDENDUM ADDENDUM:
Ladies and gentlemens, Crying Ashley...

Fat ice.

2007-03-20T13:19:00.000-04:00

We're totally repulsed by erotic fan fiction (no, we don't want to read about Frodo seducing Gandalf the Gray OR White), but when erotic fan fiction features Tonya Harding and is hosted by Tonya's official Web site, well, then, we're...um...totally repulsed.

(via I have a hate on)

Cover it up!

2007-03-16T10:24:00.000-04:00

Here's something for the weekend:

There's going to be a musical of Mask. No, not The Mask. Mask. As in Cher, Sam Elliott and Eric Stoltz. By Brill Building songwriting team and composers of "You Lost That Loving Feeling," Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil. All directed by crapmaster supreme Richard Maltby Jr.

That is all.

America, America, this is you.

2007-03-15T10:00:00.000-04:00

This is the first and will probably be the last time we post about it this season, but we really have to take a moment to give special recognition to this year's American Idol. Not since Pink Lady and Jeff has there been such a varietal CRAPFEST being beamed into the homes of millions of viewers. The sheer power of this season's dearth of anything resembling talent has caused us to wholly reconsider our viewing tendencies. Meaning, we so weren't interested in watching this time around, and now we so are. Sorry. We SUH are.

Obviously reason number one is this...

Boy, can this girl not sing! Or dance! Or just stand there! It's ALWAYS awkward. Which is why we voted for her about 10 times Tuesday night (and we don't call anyone anymore). We plan to see Miss Malakar through till the end. Or at least until she has to do a Gwen Stefani number. Wind it up, indeed!

Reason number two? This...

Oh, sorry. There would have been a photo of the entire group of finalists here, but FOX's American Idol Web site is perhaps the least user-friendly site not made by a 52-year-old man sitting in his underwear on a Tuesday at 3:27 p.m. while Judge Judy plays loudly in the background. So, we're not scouring that site for a pic (nor are we linking you to it—you're welcome!). We'll just say that the other remaining 10 are not much more talented than Sanjaya. And, yes, that includes Kiki and Doolittle. Sure, those two are better than the rest, but you could throw a Cheetoh off our roof and hit five more talented people than either of those two girls. And, yes, that does include the homeless man who sits in front of the Minetta Garage and with his legs hidden so we think he's just one of those torsos.

Reason three...

Oh, girl. If you're going to take a five-minute entrance during which your name is emblazoned on a giant LCD screen while your past hits are played and sung by a band and other singers, you BEST practice walking in those giant red platform heels you insisted on wearing. Oh, and also? Being able to sing would be good, too. Seriously, Miss Ross, we love you, but wethinks it's over. You kind of made Sanjaya look like a musical genius. Listen—it's totally FINE if you just make a quick entrance, say a few thank-yous and take a seat. We're TOTALLY with you. Truth is, Di, you've never been a great singer, so, you know, it's OK to rest on your laurels and just allow a new generation of mediocre talent to take the torch. And by "torch," we mean "distracting red boa."

The point is, we're not actually complaining. We completely approve of all this garbage that FOX is foisting upon us this spring. But we just had to point out that as long as it continues (and with 11 talentless individuals, how could it not?), we'll continue watching. Either you're very clever, FOX, or you're stupider than we ever imagined. Whatever it is, damn you. And congratulations.

Our Birdland debut.

2007-03-12T11:24:00.000-04:00

Just so you know — and your children will someday know — tonight we will be performing at NYC's legendary Birdland as part of a show called Speakeasy. According to this article on Playbill.com, the show will feature the songs of John Lennon, Joni Mitchell, Rufus Wainwright and Stephin Merritt. That is 0% correct. Tonight's show will feature songs in the style of those people. Well, kind of. Well, not really.

ANYWAY, we're playing two of our original hits with the magnificent Michael Conley and a full band. So, you should totally come out if you have $35 and a desire to see Malan from Project Runway sing Charlie Chaplin's "Smile." No, as much as we'd like to be kidding, we're not.

Here's the info:
Birdland is located in Manhattan at 315 West 44th Street. There is a $25 cover charge and a $10 food/drink minimum. Call (212) 581-3080 for reservations.

Awesome.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

2007-03-09T14:46:00.000-05:00

It's Friday. Which means if you're in Manhattan, your island turns into Universal CityWalk for 48 hours! Which is why we're pleased to bring you two activities you don't have to leave your tiny apartment for.

First, on BBC America tonight at 9pm, it's the premiere of Clatterford. It's really too much to try to talk about, so just go to the link. Seriously.

Second, thanks to our friend Frank, you can enjoy the recycled hits of late-80s Tampa public access queen Sondra Prill. No, apparently it's not a joke.

Between the many offerings of Ms. Prill and the many times you're sure to watch Clatterford, you should be occupied well into, oh, early Saturday morning. You're welcome!

Attitude adjustment.

2007-03-08T13:55:00.000-05:00

We would just like you to know that tomorrow's View (3/9/07) is a must-see in our books for two reasons:

1.) It's completely about depression
2.) Guest host: Linda Dano

And, if the gods are smiling on us, the episode will culminate in Linda D. hawking her QVC crap as a prime method of retail therapy.

It looks good, guys. No. It looks great.

Until you cry.

2007-03-06T16:05:00.000-05:00

Yes, yes. We're quite aware that no one really comes around here anymore. And, yes, it is sad. Well, sad for those of you who still do. Not because we think you're sad! No. Because this site's sad. Well, sadder than it was when it was just regular sad. With so much sadness in the world, here's something to give you some chuckles—one of our most favorite TV clips in the history of ever.

Debbie does delts.

2007-02-27T13:16:00.000-05:00

Oy. Such a week. It feels like we've been through a workout. A workout? Well, that reminds us! Watch this!

Yes, that's Debbie Reynolds leading a bunch of old broads in floor exercises. And, by old broads, we mean Teri Garr, Florence Henderson, Rose Marie and, yes, ol' Dionne Warwick herself. It's a clip from Do It Debbie's Way, a workout video Miss Reynolds put out in 1990, most probably in between downing three Bloody Marys and fielding drug-induced prank calls from Carrie Fisher. There are a few other clips available, but this one's the best, especially with poor Rose Marie barely breathing in the back.

No questions answered—ever!

2007-02-22T13:24:00.000-05:00

Truth be embarrassingly told, we are still watching Lost. And, after last week's excellent Desmond/time-continuum episode, we thought we were back on track. Especially exciting was the promise that three long-standing mysteries would be answered on last night's episode. Well, imagine our kind-of-non-surprise when the Bai Ling-addled heap of boring made its way across our high-definition LCD TV. We counted exactly 0 questions answered. What about Jack's Chinese tattoo? you might ask. Usually we wouldn't answer a question with a question, but, as we're talking about Lost, we'll just say, Who gives a shit about Jack's Chinese tattoo? And even when we were told its translation, Jack had to get all "That's not what it means" on us. Come awn.

Alas, 0 Lost mysteries were explained last night. Instead, old characters returned and new characters were added, fueling our suspicion that the endgame of Lost is to provide every actor on the planet with a role. Which, come to think of it, did manage to answer one long-standing mystery: What ever happened to creepy "adult Christina Crawford"?

She's now creepy "Isabel, the island sheriff."

Is this a normal day at Norma's house?

2007-02-21T15:56:00.000-05:00

After last night's American Idol debacle (seriously—we turned it off after Sunspots), we had to check out one of our favorite Idol-related blogs, Vote for the Worst. Vote for the Worst is entertaining enough, but it then linked us to this woman's videos on YouTube. We have since assembled an ad-hoc committee to attempt to figure out if the videos are legitimate or not, and we're not having an easy time of it. However, we figure any old broad who's willing to make her Shirley Temple doll dance while she sings about being a douche bag is totes worth our time.

Totes.

No tell.

2007-02-16T14:53:00.000-05:00

If you're a longtime reader of this longtime site, you're a.) crazy and b.) familiar with our proclivity for "Worst of" lists. However, if you are "a" and "b," you still may not be aware of our c.) obsession with Trip Advisor. That's why we're pleased to bring you Trip Advisor's recent list of the 10 dirtiest US hotels. If you're a longtime resident of Earth, it should come as no surprise to you that four out of the 10 offenders are located in that cesspool of human existence, Florida. (We're allowed to say that—we're a.) from Florida and b.) cognizant.)

Anyway anyway anyway, we highly encourage you to a.) check out all the reviews of the dirty hotels on Trip Advisor and b.) pay special attention to those of the Hotel Carter in New York City. Said reviews should keep you entertained for a.) very, very, very, very long time. Enjoy!

Just say yes.

2007-02-09T15:21:00.000-05:00

We just wanted to share this video with you. It's what happens when 200 people snort 200 pounds of cocaine, in case you're thinking of doing the same this weekend. Enjoy!

Aboot time.

2007-02-05T13:03:00.000-05:00

The N has been so spotty with Degrassi's schedule in the past year that we kind of forget to check when new episodes air. The N also runs old episodes of Degrassi approximately 384 times a night, which makes it very difficult for us to spend our very valuable time trying to figure out if an episode is new or not. The point is, there have been new Degrassi: The Next Generation episodes in 2007. The first two featured the return of our fave Degrassi guy, Craig Manning, and a little problem he's dealing with. More importantly, the third episode of 2007 featured the shocking death of a character who's been on the show since the beginning. We must admit, we got a bit choked up at the end of said episode as the unhappy news was revealed to the rest of the characters.

The episode is available for viewing at The N's Web site, but please be warned, you may find out who dies before it actually happens, as The N has plastered spoilers all over the site. If you want to record it from The N itself, the episode is called "Rock This Town." Enjoy! Well, enjoy.

A real Pearl, Mary!

2007-02-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

Best Week Ever beat us to it, but we just want to wish everyone a very happy...

2/2/07!

Gone South.

2007-02-01T14:41:00.000-05:00

We would just like to take a moment to mourn the passing of one of our oldest groups of hooligan pals. According to their Web site:

The Beautiful South have split up due to musical similarities. The band would like to thank everyone for their 19 wonderful years in music.

Sniff sniff. Should you not be familiar with these wry, cynical pop songsters who fill up Wembley Arena in their native UK but have never filled up much more than their gas tank over here, please immediately ~~download~~ buy Welcome to the Beautiful South and Choke.

For your viewing enjoyment, here's the video of one of our favorite Beautiful South songs, "A Little Time":

We're sad, but we'll carry on, regardless.

Right on!

2007-01-25T11:28:00.000-05:00

We're back with two VERY important bits of information. No, they have nothing to do with Moesha killing a woman or Tyra asking us if we call this fat. It's that on March 20 and 27, 2007, respectively, the first season of Maude and volume 1 of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman will FINALLY be released on DVD.

We shall repeat ourselves.

On March 20 and 27, 2007, respectively, the first season of Maude and volume 1 of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman will FINALLY be released on DVD.

You now have this information. We trust you will act accordingly.

One more woman.

2007-01-19T11:43:00.000-05:00

Shame on us for overlooking the most important bit of news today...

HAPPY 61st BIRTHDAY, DOLLY!

4 women.

2007-01-19T10:51:00.000-05:00

Hi!

Two things.

If you're as big a fan as we are of Welcome to My Home (and, if you're not, you should be), please enjoy Miss Brenda Dickson's Web site. She's back in Hollywood, folks, and she's meeting such luminaries as Ace Young and Oscar de la Hoya.

She also met Marc Cherry, creator of Desperate Housewives, and had this to say about him...

The remarkable Marc Chery honored, Creator and Producer of Desperate Housewives. Please write Marc at ABC for a possible part. We talked about me.

Er...as soon as we decode that, we'll be sure to get right on it.

Please enjoy the rest of the site, most especially the photo gallery, where you can see Brenda standing undreneath a Christmas tree almost as big as her new boobs.

And, yes, believe it or not, that is Brenda Dickson, the same woman from Welcome to My Home. She's just happened to reach that generic post-2,346-plastic-surgeries phase.

Poor thing.

Eh.

More importantly...

Today and today only, as part of its Robert Altman retrospective, the IFC Center here in NYC's Manhattan is showing one of our favorite movies ever, 3 Women. We've written several times about this film here on the NB, and we urge you to check it out if you've never seen it. 3 Women stars Shelley Duvall and Sissy Spacek and can only be described as a film whose closest relatives are Bergman's Persona and Lynch's Mulholland Dr.

Alas, Robert Altman, Sissy Spacek, Shelley Duvall, Persona, Mulholland Dr. What are you waiting for??? Buy tickets here.

Here's the thing.

2007-01-10T11:47:00.000-05:00

Kiddies, we know it's been slow around here. We were out of town for a few days and we returned to some bad news, indeed. So, right now, it's (un)fortunately kind of hard for us to focus on the NB. We'll be updating The Blair Necessities as much as we can, and we'll try to pop in here and there, so don't give up on us completely. We just need some time to get some actual work did.

To keep abreast of all things inconsequential, visit our friend Rich. Or Frank. Or April. Or play a round of Deal or No Deal. Did you know all the Deal or No Deal girls have bios? Or that the Banker has a blog? Well, they do and he does. It's true.

Most of all, please search for "Lisa Whelchel" on Google and click on The Blair Necessities as many times as you can stomach. We're not asking to actually read the site. We'd never do that. We just want it to be as close to the top of the first page as possible. Right now it's sixth. Not bad, but we can do better. All of us. Together.

Well, maintained.

2007-01-09T15:40:00.000-05:00

We haven't been able to post all day thanks to scheduled maintenance. Not that we would have. But you can't blame us if you happened to stop by. Well, you could blame our lack of HTML knowledge that forces us to use a "service" like Blogger, but, really, where does it end, people?

Anyway, watch this.

Keeps on giving.

2007-01-08T15:34:00.000-05:00

We posted a new Coffee Talk Companion to the Blair Necessities. Click here to read it!

Or don't, and start 2007 with dignity.

Run for your life.

2007-01-03T13:58:00.000-05:00

OK. Sorry! We're back once more. And, yes, it's another video. But you won't be sorry for taking the time to watch it. Well, you will, but you won't. You know? This clip just arrived in our inbox, and, before we actually hit the long and winding road, we just had to share it with you. It's a 15-minute segment from the Rolling Stone 10th Anniversary TV Special that aired in 1977. The segment is entitled "A Day in the Decade," and it's, well, get ready to jump out the bathroom window.

House call.

2007-01-03T11:36:00.000-05:00

We're just popping back in to bring you something very important. We found it at Datalounge, and it is, quite possibly, the best video ever uploaded to YouTube. Honestly.

Now, you may be thinking, all this video is beginning to make the NB feel like Stereogum! And to that we'd say, Shut up and click "PLAY." The video is called "Welcome to My Home," and it was made in 1987 by a soap actress named Brenda Dickson. Don't worry—you need not know who she is to enjoy this thoroughly informative, instructional and, yes, glamorous video.

Without further ado, then...

"Welcome to My Home"

The future is here.

2007-01-02T13:09:00.000-05:00

We hope you had a marvelous new year. We're basically on the road this week, so, in the meantime, please enjoy the pilot of everyone's favorite '80s robot sitcom, Small Wonder. It's divided into two parts, so you don't have to watch the whole thing before you kill yourself. Kidding! How could you want to die after hearing a small girl talk in monotone for a half-hour? Or Harriet? How 'bout that nosy Harriet? Or the gay son. His real name's Jerry, you know.

And should the pilot somehow not be enough, there's plenty more on good old YouTubes. Of course there is.

Have a small but wonderful week!

One more thing...

2006-12-28T16:54:00.000-05:00

Happy new year!

Simon's awakening.

2006-12-27T11:09:00.000-05:00

We are giddy, unapologetic fans of the Broadway musical Spring Awakening and the legendary curmudgeonly theater critic John Simon. This summer, Spring Awakening began as an off-Broadway show at the Atlantic Theater Company. Here's what one-time New York Magazine theater critic Simon said:

June 16 (Bloomberg) -- Frank Wedekind's groundbreaking play, "Spring Awakening,'' is now a fresh 115 years old. Duncan Sheik's rock-music adaptation, though a mere infant, wears less well.

This is a story of how procrustean morality, hidebound teachers and prudishly fumbling parents cause despair and death among betrayed youth in puberty. Though the plot remains largely the same, retaining period and place, it clashes with the standing or hand-held mikes.

The sundry diminishments and a new ending that contradicts the play's thrust are, I suppose, meant to be compensated for by the songs. Steven Sater's lyrics, however, are pretentiously pseudopoetic when, despite miking, they can be heard at all.

Although I have scant use for rock music, and less when it's in the theater, Sheik seems to have done well by those who care for it. There is even one number, "There Once Was a Pirate,'' which, regardless of irrelevance to the plot, is lovely by any standards.

With rather too minimal scenery and questionable disco lighting, the show nevertheless gets good direction from Michael Mayer, though Bill T. Jones's grotesque choreography is hardly to everyone's taste. The enactments of misguided adults and confused juveniles are commendable, even if having all grownups played by two actors smacks of contrivance. Outstanding is the leading youth, splendidly sung and acted by Jonathan Groff.

If anything surprised us about this review, it was how tame it was in its distaste for the show. Simon knows his theater history and his languages, and we did not expect him to be amused by Duncan Sheik and Steven Sater's playful updating of Frank Wedekind's German play.

Nonetheless, Spring Awakening was a modest hit off-Broadway due to other more positive reviews. The producers ambitiously decided to move it from off-Broadway to Broadway, where it's technically cheaper to produce a show because of the larger amount of seats available for each performance. The Broadway production was re-reviewed by all the major critics who generally loved it more than they did the first time. We were looking forward to seeing John Simon's review most of all as the production, in its move uptown, cut the one song Simon seemed to kind of enjoy.

Well, Simon did re-review it. Maybe. Someone named John Simon did. To understand our confusion, here's the full second review—were not going to post it in its entirety because it's too long. We will, however, post relevant excerpts:

Shows can be innovative without being good or vice versa. But when "Spring Awakening,'' a new musical, is both, it is grounds for cheering. Steven Sater, librettist and lyricist, and Duncan Sheik, a pop star and serious composer, began turning it into a musical in 1999. After many workshops, concert performances and delays, "Spring Awakening'' opened last summer at the Atlantic Theater Company and was an instant success.

But what is gained is Sheik's propulsive alternative rock score, which knows when to soften for romantic or wistful numbers. Cannily orchestrated by Sheik, with adroit vocal and additional arrangements by AnnMarie Milazzo and Simon Hale, it achieves a seductive sound that most recent Broadway musicals have lacked.

Sater's verses are nothing if not lyrical, sometimes even a bit too sophisticated for the kids from whom they issue. Wendla's "Oh how we/ Fall in silence from the sky/ And whisper some silver reply,'' and Melchior's response, "Window by window/ You try and look into/ This brave new you that you are'' are cases in point.

There is inventiveness in the alternating use of body, handheld and standing mikes, in the way disparate actions are shown contiguously or in bold crosscutting. Bill T. Jones's youthfully evocative choreography -- it is unlike the dancing anywhere else on Broadway -- is idiosyncratic yet mesmerizing and deserves its own accolades for advancing the form. Kevin Adams's lighting, enhanced by a good deal of neon is, well, electrifying, and Susan Hilferty's period costumes are scrupulously appropriate. Christine Jones's set largely replicates the look of the Atlantic's theater, an intimate desanctified church, which seems entirely apt given the importance of religiosity, imposed and rejected, in the play.

Yeah, that last bit's our favorite. The choreography has gone from "grotesque" to "idiosyncratic yet mesmerizing." The "questionable disco lighting" is now "electrifying," and the "rather too minimal set" in a small off-Broadway house is now "entirely apt" in a huge Broadway one.

Hey, whatever, right? People change their minds. Absolutely. And we encourage them to do so. And we're thrilled that John Simon RILLY liked the musical the second time. But, for those of you who know Simon's record, he is an unsympathetic brute. He has laughed off Stoppard and Kushner, trashed Albee and dismissed Miller. This change of heart over a musical we thought he'd crush between his pinky and ring finger is significant because it either shows he's getting kinder with age, or, more likely, he's going senile. Whichever the case may be, these reviews, written only several months apart, make for some clearly hi-larious comparing and contrasting.

Most of all, go see Spring Awakening. The score is the best theater score written so far this decade, and everything else about it, especially the idiosyncratic yet mesmerizing choreography, is unforgettable. And, no, in case you're worried, we are not Duncan Sheik fans. But you don't need to be to enjoy this show. And if you don't like it the first time, maybe you will the second, you old coot...

City to Ford: You First.

2006-12-27T10:39:00.000-05:00

As you're probably aware if you're breathing, President Gerald Ford is not. In commemoration of the man whose accomplishments included the unconditional pardoning of Richard Nixon, "WIN" buttons and the Mayaguez Incident, we'd like to share this touching photograph of Ford meeting with his Chief of Staff and Secretary of Defense. Can you name them?

Need a hint? OK...

Ta-da!

If you need us, we'll be at the Betty Ford Clinic. At the bar.

Lost. And found.

2006-12-26T11:53:00.000-05:00

We just posted a new Coffee Talk Companion at the Blair Necessities. Click here to read it!

Or don't, and make it a Tuesday to remember.

Rejoice!

2006-12-21T14:13:00.000-05:00

We wish you a merry Christmas.
We wish you a merry Christmas.
We wish you a merry Christmas.
And, unless we feel like posting next week, which we may,
a happy new year.

Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy, and, if you live in Denver, spread Christmas goodwill and pay a poor person to shovel for you.

Merry Christmas from Sufjan!

2006-12-21T13:04:00.000-05:00

Sexy holidays from Dusty!

2006-12-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

Noggin'.

2006-12-21T10:46:00.000-05:00

Do you love egg nog? Do you love pie? Of course you do! Well, fasten your seat belts because we're about to blow your mind. Click on this link, and you'll be taken to a recipe for...

EGG NOG PIE!

And for afterwards, here's a link for emedicine.com.

Merry Christmas from Joey, Donnie, Danny and Jordan!

2006-12-20T16:10:00.000-05:00

What, child, is this?

2006-12-20T14:11:00.000-05:00

And now it's time for a Christmas quiz!

Which song is not only the top-selling Christmas song of all time but is also the top-selling single of all time, according to the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records?

A.) "White Christmas" - Bing Crosby

B.) "All I Want for Christmas Is You" - Mariah Carey

C.) "The Chipmunk Song" - The Chipmunks

D.) "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)" - John Lennon

Well? What do you say? This quiz only has one question, so if you mess up, you fail completely. But if you're reading this site, you should be used to that by now.

Oh! Here's the answer, dudes.

Merry Christmas from Neil and Chris!

2006-12-20T12:17:00.000-05:00

You try to tell them they haven't left Pennsylvania.

2006-12-20T11:12:00.000-05:00

Ah, Christmastime. The time of year when we spread joy to others. When we give and receive gifts. When we let those who love us and who we love know how much they truly to mean to us. When we treat the mentally handicapped like amoebae. NOW GET ON THE MAGIC TURBO PLANE!

Merry Christmas from John and the Muppets!

2006-12-20T11:02:00.000-05:00

Good dill and cheer.

2006-12-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

It's Wednesday, December 20 at 10:30 a.m. Do you know where your Christmas pickle is?

Merry Christmas from Zac, Taylor and Isaac!

2006-12-19T14:53:00.000-05:00

Home for the holidays.

2006-12-19T12:52:00.000-05:00

The idea of Ugly Christmas Lights is to bring you a yearly roundup of unforgivable home Christmas displays. Unfortunately the idea is better than the execution as most examples found at the site can easily be topped by anything found in our childhood subdivision in Florida. However, occasionally this site does succeed...

Enjoy!

Merry Christmas from Barbara!

2006-12-19T12:29:00.000-05:00

To get from one to 90 proof.

2006-12-19T11:08:00.000-05:00

You'll need something to wash your 3 a.m. gingerbread house binge down with. Here's a link to recipes for some special holiday cocktails. Like the Scroogedriver. It's a screwdriver but with a HI-larious holiday-inspired name! Bah, ice cube!

Merry Christmas from Kenny and Dolly!

2006-12-19T10:13:00.000-05:00

Ye merry gentlemen can rest later.

2006-12-19T09:37:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing we do about the holidays, it's that you can get fat as a fat potato from stuffing your greedy face with all those Bûches de Noel. That's why we're delighted to link you to this page, which lists typical holiday activities and the amount of calories you'll burn by doing them. You know who else will be delighted? Your spouse, that's who.

Merry Christmas from Grace!

2006-12-18T15:56:00.000-05:00

Poinsettia taken.

2006-12-18T15:07:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of the usually useless Ada Evening News in Ada, Oklahoma, some fun facts about poinsettias. Including the one about poinsettias not being poisonous which we always thought was, in fact true, true. Well, at least now we know what not to feed our neighbor's cat this weekend.

Merry Christmas from Kate!

2006-12-18T13:54:00.000-05:00

Hornamental.

2006-12-18T13:05:00.000-05:00

If you're as big a sap for Christmas music as we are (yet one more thing we blame on Judaism), here's a list of a ton of stations streaming nothing but Christmas music all day and night, which should be enough to make you hate it all by tomorrow at noon.
Oh, and we also found the most perfect Christmas tree ornament EVAH.

Merry Christmas from Karen and Kristy!

2006-12-18T12:44:00.000-05:00

Siinior citizen.

2006-12-18T12:28:00.000-05:00

You know what granny wants for Christmas, fruitcake? Not a Christmas fruitcake.

Christmas, Christmas time is near.

2006-12-18T12:03:00.000-05:00

Hello, folks! We're back. You know, Mt. Hood is MUCH colder than we expected it to be.

We did a lot of thinking this weekend about what to get all of you, but we realized we really don't have much time to shop for two extra gifts. And, we have a holiday party to prepare for! So, as our holiday gift to you, this week all our posts will be holiday-themed! Like this one...

So, sit back, have some Jack and nog, open that enormous tin of popcorn your aunt sent you and enjoy!

Hey, gimmel that shin, nun!

2006-12-14T15:19:00.000-05:00

Long weekend for us! So, like usual, we won't be posting. Please have a great weekend-before-Christmas weekend and, of course, a very chappy Chanukah ("chappy Chanukah"—hilarious!).

Shalom, you.

Get yer TV Globes!

2006-12-14T10:41:00.000-05:00

Here are the Golden Globe TV noms. We searched for approximately 1.5 minutes for a list as nicely laid out as the film one but had no luck. You'll have to deal with this:

Series, Drama: "24," Fox; "Big Love," HBO; "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; "Heroes," NBC; "Lost," ABC

Big Love is really the only surprise here. Oh, and that fucking Battlestar Galactica, the best show on television, wasn't nominated yet again. That's another surprise.

Actress, Drama: Patricia Arquette, "Medium"; Edie Falco, "The Sopranos"; Evangeline Lilly, "Lost"; Ellen Pompeo, "Grey's Anatomy"; Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer"

Evangeline Lilly is the first person in Golden Globe history to get a nomination based solely on getting wet.

Actor, Drama: Patrick Dempsey, "Grey's Anatomy"; Michael C. Hall, "Dexter"; Hugh Laurie, "House"; Bill Paxton, "Big Love"; Kiefer Sutherland, "24"

MCDREAMYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Series, Musical or Comedy: "Desperate Housewives," ABC; "Entourage," HBO; "The Office," NBC; "Ugly Betty," ABC; "Weeds," Showtime

Eh.

Actress, Musical or Comedy: Marcia Cross, "Desperate Housewives"; America Ferrera, "Ugly Betty"; Felicity Huffman, "Desperate Housewives"; Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "The New Adventures of Old Christine"; Mary-Louise Parker, "Weeds"

Fine.

Actor, Musical or Comedy: Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"; Zach Braff, "Scrubs"; Steve Carrell, "The Office"; Jason Lee, "My Name is Earl"; Tony Shalhoub, "Monk"

Huzzah for Baldwin. Sheer brilliance.

Miniseries or movie: "Bleak House," PBS; "Broken Trail," AMC; "Elizabeth I," HBO; "Mrs. Harris," HBO; "Prime Suspect: The Final Act," PBS

Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Gillian Anderson, "Bleak House"; Annette Bening, "Mrs. Harris"; Helen Mirren, "Elizabeth I"; Helen Mirren, "Prime Suspect: The Final Act"; Sophie Okonedo, "Tsunami, The Aftermath"

We're so glad Tsunami, the Aftermath is finally getting some recognition.

Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Andre Braugher, "Thief"; Robert Duvall, "Broken Trail"; Michael Ealy, "Sleeper Cell: American Terror"; Chiwetel Ejiofor, "Tsunami, The Aftermath"; Ben Kingsley, "Mrs. Harris"; Bill Nighy, "Gideon's Daughter"; Matthew Perry, "The Ron Clark Story"

Dench is nominated again!!! (See previous post for marginally entertaining explanation.)

Supporting Actress, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Emily Blunt, "Gideon's Daughter"; Toni Collette, "Tsunami, The Aftermath"; Katherine Heigl, "Grey's Anatomy"; Sarah Paulson, "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip"; Elizabeth Perkins, "Weeds"

Are you fucking kidding us with the Paulson??? Oh. Collette's there. Everything's OK. (See previous post for marginally entertaining explanation.)

Supporting Actor, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Thomas Haden Church, "Broken Trail"; Jeremy Irons, "Elizabeth I"; Justin Kirk, "Weeds"; Masi Oka, "Heroes"; Jeremy Piven, "Entourage"

And, unsurprisingly, this list is done in by Piven.

See you at the Globes!

Get yer film Globes!

2006-12-14T10:08:00.000-05:00

The nominations for the 64th Annual Golden Globe Awards (you know, the fun Oscars) were announced today. In helpful list form, with minimal commentary, they are, filmwise...

Best Motion Picture
Babel
Bobby
The Departed
Little Children
The Queen

We are proud to say we haven't seen any of these, though we actually do want to see The Queen. Well, we loves some Mirren!

Best Motion Picture -- Musical or Comedy
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
The Devil Wears Prada
Dreamgirls
Little Miss Sunshine
Thank You For Smoking

We are proud to say we haven't seen any of these, either.

Best Director
Clint Eastwood - Flags of Our Fathers
Clint Eastwood - Letters from Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears - The Queen
Alejandro González Iñárritu - Babel
Martin Scorsese - The Departed

Apparently Clint Eastwood is so powerful, he's become two people. Scorsese always gets shown up. Poor thing.

Best Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio - Blood Diamond
Leonardo DiCaprio - The Departed
Peter O'Toole - Venus
Will Smith - The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker - The Last King of Scotland

Well, at least Scorsese has the power to make someone else two people. That's cool.

Best Actress
Penelope Cruz - Volver
Judi Dench - Notes on a Scandal
Maggie Gyllenhaal - Sherrybaby
Helen Mirren - The Queen
Kate Winslet - Little Children

Can we just give Judi D. a piece of glowing gold that stands for every award ever to be given?
Best Actor -- Musical or Comedy
Sacha Baron Cohen - Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Johnny Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean 2
Aaron Eckhart - Thank You For Smoking
Chiwetel Ejiofor - Kinky Boots
Will Ferrell - Stranger Than Fiction

Hmmm. Oh! We get it. If you unscramble "Chiwetel Ejiofor," you get "Judi Dench." Makes sense. But good for Penelope. May she never make another English-speaking movie again.

Best Actress -- Musical or Comedy
Annette Bening - Running with Scissors
Toni Collette - Little Miss Sunshine
Beyonce Knowles - Dreamgirls
Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada
Renee Zellweger - Miss Potter

Be-who? Be-what? Be-really? Fortunately, Toni Collette's there, which always makes everything OK.

Best Supporting Actor
Ben Affleck - Hollywoodland
Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls
Jack Nicholson - The Departed
Brad Pitt - Babel
Mark Wahlberg - The Departed

Eh. We'd be happier for Murphy if he wasn't prone to beating up trannies.

Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Hudson- Dreamgirls
Adriana Barraza - Babel
Cate Blanchett - Notes on a Scandal
Emily Blunt - The Devil Wears Prada
Kikuchi Rinko - Babel

Blanchett for that piece of crap?!? Has anyone in the Hollywood Foreign Press actually seen that movie? We thought not.

Best Screenplay
Babel
Little Children
Notes on a Scandal
The Departed
The Queen

Again, we promise you no one in the HFP saw Notes on a Scandal. Or at least got the English translation.

Best Animated Feature
Cars
Monster House
Happy Feet

We hate cartoons. HATE.

Best Foreign Language Film
Apocalypto
Letters from Iwo Jima
The Lives of Others
Pan's Labyrinth
Volver

Can everyone please refer to Apocalypto as "Apocalypso" from now on? No specific reason. It's just funnier. Thanx.

Best Original Score
The Painted Veil
The Fountain
Babel
Nomad
The Da Vinci Code

Score for the score for The Fountain. It's beautiful. You should illegally download it immediately.

Best Original Song
Listen - Dreamgirls
Never Gonna Break My Faith - The Pursuit of Happyness
Bobby - Happy Feet

And there they are. The Golden Globe film nominations. Special kudos to Emilio Estevez for having a foreign-sounding name to trick the HFP into nominating the piece of crap we've unequivocally heard is Bobby. Again, we were fortunate enough not to have actually seen it.

We'll try to get the TV noms to you momentarily. Unless we're distracted. Fingers crossed...

Puttin' in the ground.

2006-12-13T14:32:00.000-05:00

We just have to take a brief moment to mourn the passing of the definitive Frankenstein's monster, Peter Boyle. Godspeed! (Fun fact: Peter Boyle was a monk before he was an actor.)

The music sans the mirror.

2006-12-13T14:20:00.000-05:00

Can someone pleeeeze get Broadway a stylist? Things are, like, out of control.

Adeskte fidelis.

2006-12-13T12:51:00.000-05:00

In the NB's never-ceasing desire to be not entirely useless, we wanted to post a link to office party etiquette to help you behave at the most mind-numbingly awkward event of the year. We found plenty of useful ones, but the one we chose was About.com's because, well, in keeping true to the general uselessness of supposedly totally useful About.com, its entry on office party etiquette is pretty hilariously useless. (Yeah, the part about us wanting this site to be not entirely useless was pretty also pretty hilariously useless.)

Here's why:

First of all, it's written by this guy.

Second of all, this: "Watch what you drink. Keep reminding yourself that this is a business event first and a party second. I drink Vodka Tonics, but at the holiday party, I have them without the vodka. No one knows but me. After all, there's plenty of time to drink after the party."

That's the most stupidest thing we've ever heard. The boss isn't tasting your drink at the holiday party; he's watching how much you drink. So, you might as well get liquored up if you're gonna hold something clear and fizzy in your hand all night. Duh. Oh, and we really don't trust someone talking to us about alcohol who doesn't know that "vodka tonic" is not a proper noun.

Third of all, we ADORE this helpful tip: "If you drive drunk, you may kill yourself or someone else."

Which really nicely sums up their links for suggested office holiday party-etiquette reading:

Happy office holidays, people!

The state of things.

2006-12-13T11:24:00.000-05:00

Unsurprisingly, Florida wins today.

Unsurprisingly, Texas is a close second.

The beach.

2006-12-13T11:02:00.000-05:00

Leo DiCaprio wants answers, bitches!

You coulda been a star, baby!

2006-12-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

Via a not-so-entertaining thread on Datalounge, here's a so entertaining site that lists movie roles turned down, not gotten, missed out on etc. by certain actors (and then taken by Jude Law). It's totally interesting until you read the part where it says all the information is submitted by users of the site, which means approximately 2% is possibly true. Still, sucks for Sean Connery.

Gifted.

2006-12-13T10:06:00.000-05:00

Thanks, Michelle!

Number two.

2006-12-11T14:09:00.000-05:00

Once again, we missed this blog's birthday. For some reason we think it's December 16, but it's really December 9. Silly us! Anyway, The NB is two years old as of this past weekend. And, if we may say so, it doesn't seem a day over 87. We're sure you'll agree.

Rather than write some sentimental claptrap about how much this means to us, we'll just wish ourselves a happy birthday and urge you not to click here to read the latest Coffee Talk Companion. It's our birthday gift to you.

Music to your freezing ears.

2006-12-08T11:10:00.000-05:00

If there's anyone still reading this thing, we'd like to invite you to come hear us perform Sunday night, December 10, at the Bitter End in NYC's own Greenwich Village. We'll be playing piano with our singer/songwriter friend, Michael Mirlas. Admission is a mere $5, and we're doing a 30-minute set. It will be very cheap, very short and very gay. Just like us.

What better way to celebrate the holidays than by hearing some original queer folk/pop music? Showtime is 9.30 p.m. The postcard below says 9 p.m. just to get your slow asses there by 9.30. Oh, and the lesbian violinist isn't performing, so the show's 100% lesbian-free. PHEW!

Hope to see you there with jingle bells on! Have a good weekend, you.