A.)
2.)
3.)
D.)
e.)
6.)
Please be responsible—if you drink, be sure to drive on back roads. See you Monday.
Answers: A.) Annie Lennox, 2.) Mollie Sue, 3.) Mollie Sue, D.) Annie Lennox, e.) Annie Lennox, 6.) Jade
4.07.2006
Glitter and be gay.
Have a good weekend, y'all. We'll be going to the theater tonight because soon it will not be there anymore. But, first, a quick game. It's called "Mollie Sue or Annie Lennox?"And...go!
A.)
2.)
3.)
D.)
e.)
6.)
Please be responsible—if you drink, be sure to drive on back roads. See you Monday.
Answers: A.) Annie Lennox, 2.) Mollie Sue, 3.) Mollie Sue, D.) Annie Lennox, e.) Annie Lennox, 6.) Jade
A.)
2.)
3.)
D.)
e.)
6.)
Please be responsible—if you drink, be sure to drive on back roads. See you Monday.
Answers: A.) Annie Lennox, 2.) Mollie Sue, 3.) Mollie Sue, D.) Annie Lennox, e.) Annie Lennox, 6.) Jade
This just out.
Please enjoy the...
...an upstanding Christian news outlet and self-proclaimer of...
...including this item...
...in this section...
...an upstanding Christian news outlet and self-proclaimer of...
...including this item...
...in this section...
Sometimes simpler is more sweet than sour.
We finally understand what the word-addicted Atlantic Monthly failed to illustrate for us: why China will be the next international superpower.
How do you translate crickets?
Oh, Reuters, you tease us with selected humor morsels but fail to give us a full transcript what was sure to be a comic exchange for the ages.
First-class lunatic.
This fun bit about Sharon Stone flying first class while her baby and nanny flew coach (Come on—we don't blame her. We mean the nanny.) led us to the Smoking Gun's post dedicated to Ms. Stone's demands during the filming of mega-flop Basic Instinct 2. We now totally understand why Sharon Stone wants to cut an album—probably someone, upon seeing this document, told her, "Look, crazy, you're no rock star."
Anyway, we're especially intrigued by two items: 1.) page 4 lets us know that Stone has a separate nudity rider and 2.) an apparent write-in on page 5 asks for exclusive use of a "Pilates Cadillac." If we felt like doing research, we might learn that a Pilates Cadillac is some sort of Pilates-related equipment. But obviously we don't, so we're going to assume that Stone wants an Escalade filled with Pilates crap in lieu of seats, which seems much more Stone-appropriate.
Anyway, we're especially intrigued by two items: 1.) page 4 lets us know that Stone has a separate nudity rider and 2.) an apparent write-in on page 5 asks for exclusive use of a "Pilates Cadillac." If we felt like doing research, we might learn that a Pilates Cadillac is some sort of Pilates-related equipment. But obviously we don't, so we're going to assume that Stone wants an Escalade filled with Pilates crap in lieu of seats, which seems much more Stone-appropriate.
What a Mandisa.
Folks, we finally managed to kick Neko Case and the entire Wainwright family out of our apartment (Don't ask. Let's just say we had no idea Kate McGarrigle was such a Dance Dance Revolution nut), so we're a little...tired. In the meantimes, please enjoy this Advocate interview with Mandisa in which we find out it's not that she doesn't like the gays, it's that she doesn't want to be in a room with them. Us. What day is it?
4.06.2006
Bring the flood.
Good night, darlin's. We're goin' to see Martha Wainwright and Neko Case tonight, so if you're all up in Webster Hall, don't forget to say hi. We'll be the short people being violently pushed aside by the tall people who for some reaosn need to be close to the stage to block everyone else's view. Later!
Total recall.
Intern Krysztov just received this in his inbox. We thought it was interesting and important enough to publish. as we are quite fascinated with this Gospel of Judas discovery.
Vatican City, the Vatican - In cooperation with the International Committee for Theoretical Accuracy, Christianity is recalling every New Testament published since 33. The recent discovery of the Gospel of Judas renders every such bible incomplete and, therefore, not completely accurate. As well, the ribbon pre-attached to the books for use as a bookmark has been known to wrap around yound children's pinky fingers causing dislocation and occasional dismemberment.
The International Committee for Theoretical Accuracy dictates that the newly uncovered Gospel of Judas will be added to all old New Testaments as a courtesy and, of course, will appear in all new New Testaments beginning today. Both new and old Old Testaments obviously do not apply, unless they contain the aforementioned pre-attached ribbon bookmark, in which case owner will have the option of having the Gospel of Judas added at no extra cost. All ribbons will be removed from all Testaments.
New Testaments include the books Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans, 1 Corinthians, 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Hebrews, James, 1 Peter, 2 Peter, 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, Jude, Revelation. The Gospel of Judas will most likely be placed between John and Acts, though a final decision has not been reached.
Christians should take the recalled bibles off their shelves and away from small children immediately and return them to the store, priest, relative, friend, co-worker, sponsor etc. who sold/gave the bible(s) to them. The recalled bibles will then be picked up by Vatican-approved vans designated with "WWJDN*" signs displayed in windows.
Please expect to receive your bibles within 4 to 6 business days, excluding holidays, excluding Jewish holidays.
Thank you for your cooperation.
†
*What Would Jesus Do Now?
Vatican City, the Vatican - In cooperation with the International Committee for Theoretical Accuracy, Christianity is recalling every New Testament published since 33. The recent discovery of the Gospel of Judas renders every such bible incomplete and, therefore, not completely accurate. As well, the ribbon pre-attached to the books for use as a bookmark has been known to wrap around yound children's pinky fingers causing dislocation and occasional dismemberment.
The International Committee for Theoretical Accuracy dictates that the newly uncovered Gospel of Judas will be added to all old New Testaments as a courtesy and, of course, will appear in all new New Testaments beginning today. Both new and old Old Testaments obviously do not apply, unless they contain the aforementioned pre-attached ribbon bookmark, in which case owner will have the option of having the Gospel of Judas added at no extra cost. All ribbons will be removed from all Testaments.
New Testaments include the books Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans, 1 Corinthians, 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Hebrews, James, 1 Peter, 2 Peter, 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, Jude, Revelation. The Gospel of Judas will most likely be placed between John and Acts, though a final decision has not been reached.
Christians should take the recalled bibles off their shelves and away from small children immediately and return them to the store, priest, relative, friend, co-worker, sponsor etc. who sold/gave the bible(s) to them. The recalled bibles will then be picked up by Vatican-approved vans designated with "WWJDN*" signs displayed in windows.
Please expect to receive your bibles within 4 to 6 business days, excluding holidays, excluding Jewish holidays.
Thank you for your cooperation.
†
*What Would Jesus Do Now?
Curtain up.
Apart from the shocking news that Teri Hatcher's still single after kissing Ryan Seacrest, not much is happening*.
However, longtime companion and DVD-watchdog Tim brings us news that "season one" (which kind of makes it sound like highlights and not the complete first season) of the classic '80s sitcom, "Kate & Allie," is coming to DVD on May 2. We don't know about you, but we're going to sleep a little better next month knowing that Ari Meyers is making some money. And Susan Saint James.
*We don't know if that's true. We just don't feel like looking right now. And the interns are having Graham Crackers.
However, longtime companion and DVD-watchdog Tim brings us news that "season one" (which kind of makes it sound like highlights and not the complete first season) of the classic '80s sitcom, "Kate & Allie," is coming to DVD on May 2. We don't know about you, but we're going to sleep a little better next month knowing that Ari Meyers is making some money. And Susan Saint James.
*We don't know if that's true. We just don't feel like looking right now. And the interns are having Graham Crackers.
Everything bad.
Apparently, in honor of theatrical "pay what you can" tradition, opening night for Sandra Bernhard's new show was a "wear what you can" affair (pics by our friend Ben at Broadwayworld.com)...
(If you don't know who some of these people are, don't worry about it. Just know that they can afford actual clothing.)
(If you don't know who some of these people are, don't worry about it. Just know that they can afford actual clothing.)
YOUR PEEKING AT MY SPACE.
One of our newest favoritest hobbies is finding random crazies on MySpace. Today, whilst perusing delectable musician Josh Rouse's profile, we came across these comments, left by a 48-year-old woman called Nancy...
Obviously, we went right to Nancy's profile, and we suggest you do, too. Especially if you like it when your browser displays this...
Twice.
After reading about how this woman has grandkids and that "IAM GLAD YOUR PEEKING AT MY SPACE," we made it down to Nancy's comments section, where we found this...
...at which point our computer got up and jumped out the window, narrowly beating us by .3 second. We're now using our laptop. Bear with us.
Obviously, we went right to Nancy's profile, and we suggest you do, too. Especially if you like it when your browser displays this...
Twice.
After reading about how this woman has grandkids and that "IAM GLAD YOUR PEEKING AT MY SPACE," we made it down to Nancy's comments section, where we found this...
...at which point our computer got up and jumped out the window, narrowly beating us by .3 second. We're now using our laptop. Bear with us.
Over the Hill.
According to today's Popbitch, should you be fortunate enough to get near Lauryn Hill...
"Please address her as Ms Hill not Lauryn Hill.
Please do not touch her, she is a germaphobic,
she needs her personal space."Obviously that's after you figure out you're standing next to someone who used to be famous.
Birthday party, cheescake, jellybean, boom.
Oh, just in case you weren't fortunate enough to participate in the world ending yesterday, here's what it looked like...
We're gonna need a bigger pulpit.
And so it was that the enormous Jesus freak was sent packing last night but not before asking Jesus to bless us one last time for good measure. Thanx, 'disa!
Word has it that Mandisa will be the new pastor at the Ruben Studdard Home for Wayward Contest "Winners," which we think is just darling. Just darling. Goodbye, Mandisa. We wish you the bes...wait...um...who are we talking about?
Oh! Right! Tyra! Girl, we have to give you America's Next Top Props® for two things:
1.) The fantastic display of your acting abilities. Kudos for drawing on your days as a bulemic to display "passing out" for the girls. We thought Furonda was going to cut you with a shiv afterwards, but you quickly shifted into "apologetic caring" and somehow made the whole incident Mollie Sue's fault (see 2).
2.) Your realization that attractiveness and ability have nothing to do with intriguing reality television and sent cute-as-a-button Mollie Sue home instead of beastly Jade. Nice work! No, Jade's no Camille or Tiffany, but she'll do.
Word has it that Mandisa will be the new pastor at the Ruben Studdard Home for Wayward Contest "Winners," which we think is just darling. Just darling. Goodbye, Mandisa. We wish you the bes...wait...um...who are we talking about?
Oh! Right! Tyra! Girl, we have to give you America's Next Top Props® for two things:
1.) The fantastic display of your acting abilities. Kudos for drawing on your days as a bulemic to display "passing out" for the girls. We thought Furonda was going to cut you with a shiv afterwards, but you quickly shifted into "apologetic caring" and somehow made the whole incident Mollie Sue's fault (see 2).
2.) Your realization that attractiveness and ability have nothing to do with intriguing reality television and sent cute-as-a-button Mollie Sue home instead of beastly Jade. Nice work! No, Jade's no Camille or Tiffany, but she'll do.
4.05.2006
Can a yawn be shocking?
Well, folks, word on the street is that tonight's "American Idol" elimination is going to come as a surprise to those who care. We're not going to officially change our prediction, 'cause that would lump us in with the aforementioned "those who care." We will, rather, speculate that a surprise elimination would send either Paris or Mandisa home, and, because, as we mentioned previously, the fat girl has not a chance in hell to win, Mandisa will be sent to the back of the buffet line tonight.
Anyway, we'll be watching this unfold with held breath in hopes that we die before we find any of this out. See you tomorrow! Maybe!
Anyway, we'll be watching this unfold with held breath in hopes that we die before we find any of this out. See you tomorrow! Maybe!
Some like it caluroso.
According to Quepasa.com, "the queen that never dies" is apparently Selena and not Tony Curtis. How do we know this? Why, we visited Quepasa.com's "Selena" section. It can be found under "Entertainment" and between "Galleries" and "The Oscars," of course. We miss you, Tejano princess Selena, and we can't wait for the 2,563rd movie about you!
In other surprisingly-non-Tony-Curtis-related-news, here's Phoenix.com's 100 unsexiest men in the world.
¡Oh, wait! According to Tony Curtis's official Web site, he can be reached at 702.736.1767, but apparently you're supposed to ask him about his art if you call. Bleh. We'll give 1,000 NB bucks* to the first person who calls and tells him he singlehandedly ruined Sextette.
*Not good anywhere ever. But don't say a word to Hop Sing Thang or Mandoori. They send the money back to their families in Asia, and they're two of our best interns. Fortunately, they can't read.
In other surprisingly-non-Tony-Curtis-related-news, here's Phoenix.com's 100 unsexiest men in the world.
¡Oh, wait! According to Tony Curtis's official Web site, he can be reached at 702.736.1767, but apparently you're supposed to ask him about his art if you call. Bleh. We'll give 1,000 NB bucks* to the first person who calls and tells him he singlehandedly ruined Sextette.
*Not good anywhere ever. But don't say a word to Hop Sing Thang or Mandoori. They send the money back to their families in Asia, and they're two of our best interns. Fortunately, they can't read.
Like, the weather.
We'd just like to say that, right now, it's yellow outside and snowing. Carry on.
Know when to walk away.
The Finnish interns (who knew?) attended an impromptu "Celebrøte Finland!" festival at the Finnish consulate yesterday afternoon, and they brought home two giant bottles of Finlandia. Alas, after we grabbed them from their government-cared-for, yet weak hands, we proceeded to get totally tanked by 7:45 p.m., thus leading to an unplanned viewing of "American Idol." Fortunately, the only thing we can really recall is a man somewhat resembling Kenny Rogers constantly appearing on the screen. However, as demonstrated by past weeks, it's not been necessary for us to actually watch the show to pick the eliminee. Erstforth, tonight, this...
...will be going home.
And we're going to take some generic Aleve. BRB.
...will be going home.
And we're going to take some generic Aleve. BRB.
4.04.2006
Terified.
First there was this...
...then this...
...and now this?
Apparently Teri Hatcher's gotten extra work roaming Hollywood and kissing gays. OK, Vin Diesel, if you see a cheetah-like woman in questionable clothing approaching you, consider yourself warned.
...then this...
...and now this?
Apparently Teri Hatcher's gotten extra work roaming Hollywood and kissing gays. OK, Vin Diesel, if you see a cheetah-like woman in questionable clothing approaching you, consider yourself warned.
You're nnembarrassing me.
Judging by the "sneak peek" of tomorrow night's "America's Next Top Model" that the UPN so graciously gave us access to, the highlight will definitely be lunatic Jade giving Nnnnnnnnna boyfriend advice*. You see, Nnnnnnnnnnnnnn is not feeling supported by her boyfriend, and, in a moment of sheer frustration/brilliance, tells him, "I'm only going to hate you when I get back, I swear to god," which is obviously our new favorite quote ever.
Also, after reading this summary of tomorrow night's episode...
The models learn improvisation at legendary LA comedy workshop The Groundlings, then have their skills put to the test by Nick Cannon. One model's attempts at comedy stir controversy. One model is selected to film a role on "Veronica Mars", and some models appear in a public service announcement about HIV prevention. The girls are also challenged to successfully deliver a mostly-improvised CoverGirl commercial in only two takes. Commercial director Mike Rosenthal serves as guest judge, and special guests include improv coach Jeremy Rowley and HIV/AIDS educator Marvelyn Brown.
...we have to wonder what heinous crime "Veronica Mars" committed to continuously get saddled with the "winner" of the ANTM acting challenge? Can't this cycle's winner, in a nod to daytime Tyra, don a fat suit and act like she's Toccara?
Shit, we've devoted entirely too much space to this topic, so, you know, bye.
*Actually, the entire clip is comprised of Jade giving Nnnnnennnnn boyfriend advice, but still.
Also, after reading this summary of tomorrow night's episode...
The models learn improvisation at legendary LA comedy workshop The Groundlings, then have their skills put to the test by Nick Cannon. One model's attempts at comedy stir controversy. One model is selected to film a role on "Veronica Mars", and some models appear in a public service announcement about HIV prevention. The girls are also challenged to successfully deliver a mostly-improvised CoverGirl commercial in only two takes. Commercial director Mike Rosenthal serves as guest judge, and special guests include improv coach Jeremy Rowley and HIV/AIDS educator Marvelyn Brown.
...we have to wonder what heinous crime "Veronica Mars" committed to continuously get saddled with the "winner" of the ANTM acting challenge? Can't this cycle's winner, in a nod to daytime Tyra, don a fat suit and act like she's Toccara?
Shit, we've devoted entirely too much space to this topic, so, you know, bye.
*Actually, the entire clip is comprised of Jade giving Nnnnnennnnn boyfriend advice, but still.
Maxed out.
Look who we found in a kilt! NB fave, His Royal Highness, the not-gay Prince Max of Schaumburg-Lippe!
That outfit is totally not gay, but the not gayest are definitely the boots. Shoes? We can't tell. Perhaps the not-gay prince's lawyers would be kind enough to enlighten us, though preferably in a correctly spelled communique this time? We so hate having to guess what we're being threatened about.
That outfit is totally not gay, but the not gayest are definitely the boots. Shoes? We can't tell. Perhaps the not-gay prince's lawyers would be kind enough to enlighten us, though preferably in a correctly spelled communique this time? We so hate having to guess what we're being threatened about.
Tropical escape.
Oh, sweet Brokeback Mountain, don't be sad. Being banned in the Bahamas is like being told you can't use the bathroom in the Superdome on September 2, 2005. Count your blessings and move on.
In other music news...
4.03.2006
This seems fatal.
Guys, Lifetime tonight is making it possible for the layman to see what, up till now, only a few psych ward patients have witnessed... Eric Roberts and Anne Heche together. Make sure to set your DVRs. For anything else.
Baby, fat.
What did Jenny Riggs of Tillamook, Ore., say?
Jenny Riggs of Tillamook, Ore., said she had difficulty finding a harnessed seat for her almost-5-year-old daughter, Hayley, who is heavier and taller than many kids her age — 46 inches and 46 pounds — and already weighed 40 pounds when she was 3.
Do you know what we said?
"Eating, apparently."
God, we're good.
Jenny Riggs of Tillamook, Ore., said she had difficulty finding a harnessed seat for her almost-5-year-old daughter, Hayley, who is heavier and taller than many kids her age — 46 inches and 46 pounds — and already weighed 40 pounds when she was 3.
The $250 Britax "Husky" seat Riggs bought is about 10 pounds heavier and four inches wider than standard harness-style seats.
"It's like a Lazy-Boy recliner," Riggs said. "It was a little difficult getting it in the back seat but my daughter loves it."
The La-Z-Boy (sorry—you know how we feel about spelling) recliner comparison nearly sent us over the edge but not before we had the opportunity to ask ourselves, What the hell's a five-year-old doing in a car seat?Do you know what we said?
"Eating, apparently."
God, we're good.
I can name that grill in one toof.
OK, people, it's time to Guess the Grillz. We attempted to, but once we learned it had nothing to do with propane, we gave up. Because we know so much more about barbecuing than hip-hop. That's why. Get it? Aw, shit.
28 gays later.
Imagine our puzzlement as we walked around Chelsea at 12.30 a.m. Saturday morning to see hordes of seemingly zombie-fied gays wandering the streets. Something appeared, well, off. Barracuda (yes, Barracuda—some friends insisted) was completely packed to the gills (pun most assuredly intended!). What could be happening? Wait, we did pass View Bar which was closed and had some strange government-issued sign on its doors. Hmmmm.
The gay, sorry, day after, we came across this bit of hilarity in the always hilarious NY Post. It seems that the cops clubbed Chelsea in the severely underworked legs and pretty much enforced armegay..., sorry, armegeddon. Some clubs, like Chelsea stalwart Splash, managed to re-open yesterday, but others, like former Limelight Avalon, managed to remain fag, sorry, closed.
Anyway, people, the clear moral of this story is that now that it's spring, please secure your illegal substances from New York City's most reliable and mobile source, Mr. Softee. Some of us want to dance. Thanx.
The gay, sorry, day after, we came across this bit of hilarity in the always hilarious NY Post. It seems that the cops clubbed Chelsea in the severely underworked legs and pretty much enforced armegay..., sorry, armegeddon. Some clubs, like Chelsea stalwart Splash, managed to re-open yesterday, but others, like former Limelight Avalon, managed to remain fag, sorry, closed.
Anyway, people, the clear moral of this story is that now that it's spring, please secure your illegal substances from New York City's most reliable and mobile source, Mr. Softee. Some of us want to dance. Thanx.
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