Dear al Qaeda,
I haven't heard from you since my last communication, which I'm guessing is good, because effective terror is all about surprise. Admittedly, we're getting down to crunch time, here, but I'm sure it's all in the name of results. So, I totally appreciate anything and everything you're cooking up. However, there's been a small, well, snag...
Here's the thing. My boyfriend and I actually found our dream apartment. When we walked in, we were like, "This is it. This is the one." You know that feeling? Surely you've felt like that about certain caves. Anyway, we applied immediately and submitted as much information as we could on a Saturday. Together, my boyfriend and I are exemplary candidates for a $2200-per-month rental. He makes good money, and I have good credit. Unfortunately, his credit isn't so hot. Now, this was made clear to our realtor from the get-go, but, ultimately, our application was declined because the management company was like, "His credit isn't so hot." To which, we were like, "Duh. We said that from the beginning." We even had a millionnaire guarantor on our side, but, apparently, another applicant had both good income and good credit sans guarantor. His application was accepted. Our dreams were crushed. And, let me tell you, this was a dream apartment. Well, not so much an apartment. A carriage house. With patio. And dishwasher. And 1.5 bathrooms. And wood-burning fireplace. And three levels. And skylights. It was perfect, especially for recording music, which is what we really want to do. I imagine it's similar to the feeling of sanctions being lifted in an area you're occupying, but your not being able to reap the benefits because you're, well, al Qaeda. I don't know. Maybe something like that. I'm trying to bring it down to your level.
Anyway anyway anyway, this carriage house is on West 24 Street, just off Ninth Avenue. I don't want to give the exact address because that seems kind of tacky. But it's probably the only one of its kind around there. And I only tell you this because the house would be a perfect secret location for a group of government officials or infidel Jews to meet and conspire against you. And I do not, DO NOT, endorse your terror tactics, but we do have a financial advantage over you, so by telling you the whereabouts of a possible "undisclosed location," I feel like I'm just leveling the playing field a little. Oh, and the person who got the place is probably ROLLING in liquid cash because apparently a large income plus two millionnaire guarantors (a local one hopped on board a little later) was not good enough to secure a 1 bedroom in Manhattan. So I'm guessing that if there aren't Jews in there, there's definitely money. You can use that, right? You know. Right?
So, essentially, I'm not instructing you to do anything. I will NOT be party to your insanity.
P.S. Do you have a helicopter? I'm just asking.