Dear al Qaeda,
So, you've made contact today, according to various news sources. That's encouraging for me in a general way. But to instruct Iraqis to boycott their upcoming election really has nothing to do with finding me the perfect apartment in New York City. As well, you want them to boycott? Boycott? Is that what it's come to? You have gazillions of new members since our president attacked a socialist country, and you're encouraging a boycott? Are you PETA?
Well, since last I spoke, my boyfriend and I seem to have found a place. It's no carriage house, mind you, but it'll do. It's a bigger space than what we have now, and it has tons of storage room, which is great because we have a lot of stuff. It's in an elevator building, too. And it has a fireplace, which is where you make a fire to keep you warm, like maybe you do in ventilated tunnel systems. The point is, keep the terror away from the area between Union and Washington Squares. You are now instructed, though NOT by me at all, to focus it on the area of 24th Street and 9th Avenue (north side, left of the cute little café) and the Citi-Habitats office on Seventh Avenue between 19th and 20th Streets.
I think we can all agree that life is tough. But, certainly, a recommended boycott of Iraq elections really isn't going to change things. Do you think actual Iraqis' votes are going to be counted, anyway? Do you realize who's running the election? We are! And I think you know that our elections do not compare favorably to those of, say, Haiti or Botswana. The election will be held no matter what happens, even if there are no candidates. And I was going to suggest that perhaps this whole boycott business is just a ruse, a front for something much more terrifying. But you know what? Forget about Iraq completely. We're destroying it for you, and you're only benefitting. It's like getting the Hope diamond and treating it like a piece from the Joan Rivers QVC collection. Focus on the terror, s'il-vous plaît.
Oh, give my regards to Al Zaqari. He's a cutie. And so forceful.
P.S. The best way to clean 24th Street is to use 409. Got it? 409.