Open letter.

Dear al Qaeda,

On September 11, 2001, you attacked our country and my city. I know. I was there. I have Polaroids of the North Tower burning like a firecracker. The South Tower had already fallen. Even though the tragedy took place about a mile south of my apartment, I slept through it all until the gazillionth phone call forced me from my bed. It was horrifying, unbelievable, exasperating and several thousand other things. Also, and I don't know if this was due to some incredible planning or just to sheer luck, but it was one of the most beautiful days ever to grace New York City. It was so beautiful, that, after watching TV for hours and not being able to take it anymore, my boyfriend and I sat on a bench in Washington Square Park as the putrid smoke rose over lower Manhattan.

So, yes, it was a terrible thing you did. Lots of people died. Lots of lungs became infected. Lots of money that could have been used for education to correctly inform people about just why you attacked us (wishful thinking, of course) has been spent on rebuilding and, more, on arguing about the rebuilding. There is a gigantic hole, literally and figuratively, in the best city in the world. How dare you.

That said, my boyfriend and I are looking for a two-bedroom apartment, and ideally we'd love to stay close to where we are now, in the West Village. In December of 2001, we got a one-bedroom on a charming street for no fee (!) and a steal. It's three years later, and the rents are back up to what they were pre-terror. There's really just no way we can afford a real two-bedroom in the Village right now. So, my communication here is relatively simple: what say you cause a little trouble again? Our president has the country constantly utterly terrified, so it wouldn't even have to be that drastic. Maybe you could torch the mall at South Street Seaport. I don't think anyone's been there since '92, so you wouldn't be hurting anyone. But it is on the water, so it would have a spectacular effect, and it would be easy to film. Or what about hijacking one of those double-decker tourist buses and driving it around town while you shoot machine guns into the air, like you do at weddings? Or Planet Hollywood. Believe it or not, it's still there. You'd be able to attack a capitalist establishment AND celebrity culture, again, without physically harming a soul. There really are so many choices; it took me only a few moments to come up with those three. You have thousands of Attack Planning seminar graduates, right? Get to work!

The bottom line is that, honestly, we both benefit. My boyfriend and I get a wonderful new West Village apartment with office space for our new G5 iMac, and you get new recruits when our president attacks an Arab country you have nothing to do with. It's win-win, really. The whole waiting for that old lady with the perfect apartment to die thing never pans out, and I don't burgle, so this seems to be the only way. Oh, and if, while you're at it, you could broadcast an ominous video or do some evil skywriting or something, that would be stellar. We'd LOVE a roofdeck or washer/dryer.

Thanks. Take care.

Matt