I'm tan.

And, finally, the most popular method of horror movie murder is...

GOOD NIGHT AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Please don't die, and, remember, anyone who gives you pennies has not worked out his or her molestation issues in therapy, so don't get angry. Just walk away and say thank you.

An amalgam of terror.

Here's the most horrifying news item of the day (and, no, it's not about the Supreme Court, sillies).

A little scary.

If there's somethin' strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?


Scary movies.

Here are the NB's picks for best scary movies you may never have seen, thank you for asking. If your headquarters is located near the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade, as ours is, you're going to be locking your doors and praying for life tonight. Why not put on a film like...

Eyes Without a Face—you'll be cringing in horror at one of the most uncomfortably (and S-L-O-W-L-Y) terrifying scenes in any movie ever. And this flick was made in French in black and white in 1959. Trust us, s'il-vous plaît.

The Brood—David Cronenberg + children = bananas.

Audition—Japanese thriller that will make you laugh until you cry. Or the other way around. Either way, there's something in that bag. And that's only in the middle of the movie.

Funny Games—described by an unamused viewer on IMDb as "porno for psychos." It's an accurate description, but it is an Austrian film, after all. Not for the person who enjoys seeing the good guys win or even have a fighting chance.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)—the 1956 one was social commentary. This one has the MANDOG.

The English Patient—the scariest movie ever with the definitive performance of Frankenstein by Ralph Fiennes.


We found this highly informative* link to a UCLA symposium on and papers written about scary women. Further investigation revealed that this site seems to cover scary women in film, so don't expect to learn about Kay Bailey Hutchinson or Janice Min here. However, it is a truly scary site as evidenced by this symposium snippet: Unidentified audience member expands on Sobchack's discussion of Sunset Boulevard by relating the film to Andrew Lloyd Weber's stage musical.

I want all this marked on my body.

Here's something completely and utterly terrifying. Please, click at your own risk—we don't want to lose any of our reader.

Name that disaster!

For your Halloween enjoyment, a plethora of horrifying...


Some are easy, some are not. Some are cold, some are hot. Some are high, some are low. Some will scream, "On with the show!"*

*Excerpted from William Wordsworth's "Thunder Rumbling," 1823.

When the prairie gets scary.

Halloween's not just for us humans, you know. It's also for squirrels, chipmunks and prairie dogs. SCARY squirrels, chipmunks and prairie dogs. A WORLD of them...

Happy Halloweenie!

Boo! It's the NB's special Halloween edition! We don't know what that means, but that's half the half of the fun of it! So...without further adieu...please enjoy...




eHarmony eDitorial.


You've seen those tender, lovely eHarmony commericals on TV—the ones on which happy couples explain how eHarmony, an online matchmaking service, helped them find happiness ever after. Well, we just noticed that all the couples were heterosexual couples. So we went to eHarmony.com and found that, alas, eHarmony.com does not offer match-ups for same-sex couples. How strange, we thought. It's the naughts. We're hip, modern people on the move. And it's not like you have to program a computer to accept homosexual relationships—computers aren't people, too. And and why wouldn't a company want the gays' business? The Internet is crawling with gays. CRAWLING. This site alone accounts for .004% of the Web's tasteless faggotry. So, why the no homosex for the eHarmony? Read this interesting tidbit, taken from a February 23, 2005 article on AlterNet.org:

Not everyone finds comfort in the new sites. One 50-year-old man, who asked not to be identified, was drawn to eHarmony because he thought psychological testing "would just be a better way of vetting people." After filling out eHarmony's extensive questionnaire and discovering that the company did not offer same-sex matching, he thought "maybe they just haven't gotten around to it yet." But when he encountered a blog devoted to eHarmony's exclusionary practices, he realized gays just weren't welcome there.

"There's not like a crucifix flash screen that suggests it, [but] somewhere in the background there, I kind of feel like they're encouraging Christian values," he says. "And for them, that means that they don't want to have [gay matching]."

Founded in 1998 by evangelical Christian Dr. Neil Clark Warren, eHarmony was the first and most popular of the test-based matchmaking sites and welcomes more than 10,000 new users a day to its pool of 6 million singles. The personality profile is free, but in order to contact other members, subscribers must pay $49.95 for a one-month membership. So far, Warren's brainchild takes credit for 10,000 marriages, which he claims are happier and more stable than marriages not conceived on his site.

It's hard to know how faith might play into Warren's methods, since he is unwilling to subject his never-published test research to independent review. Is it just that Christian singles, bound by the expectations of their faith, are easier to match? These kinds of questions spin their way through the blogosphere. If eHarmony's research was influenced by evangelical Christian values, as some claim, is it really suited for lonely-hearted atheists, Jews, Muslims – or plain old backsliders?

While eHarmony denies a Christian bias in its approach to matchmaking, the company does have an explicit agenda. One of eHarmony's stated goals is to "reduce the divorce rate in America."

"While they don't mention it explicitly, there's obviously an evangelical influence," says Dr. Mark Thompson of weAttract.com, the company that created the relationship test recently launched on Yahoo! Personals. "Their ads are absolute marketing genius. There's a totally white background. There's a man with white hair standing with a white background. Who is he? It's not coming from him. Metaphorically, it's coming from God."

A sometime guest on the conservative Christian program The 700 Club and contributor to Focus On the Family magazine, Warren received a master's of divinity from Princeton Theological Seminary and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Chicago. Warren has also written several books on mate selection. And in addition to operating a private practice, he served as professor and dean of the Fuller Theological Seminary's School of Psychology, which "places the cross in the heart of psychology."

Warren openly describes himself as a "passionate Christian" and an eHarmony advertisement on ChristianSinglesToday.com says the matchmaking company was founded on "Christian principles." But his wife, Marylyn Warren, the company's senior vice president, is careful to say that "eHarmony is meant for everybody. We do not discriminate in any way."

This isn't exactly true, as eHarmony is the only site of the top-10 most trafficked not to offer same-sex matching. Marylyn Warren denies that eHarmony's exclusion of gays and lesbians has anything to do with its founder's religious principles. "It's nothing against it, we just don't want to be involved in something we don't know anything about," she says, noting that eHarmony's research was conducted on married heterosexual couples. "Our goal is to create good heterosexual families, I guess."

"We just don't want to be involved in something we don't know about"?!?!?!?!? WHAT???? You're a fucking business, lady. That's your JOB.

Anyway, what bothers us most is that the above and all the Warrens's quotes are lies. Please, Mssrs. Warren, be like, Yeah, we fucking hate the dirty fags and the way they're insidiously ruining the world, so we only cater to straight people. It's not like it's illegal to run a Web site that only sets up straight relationships. Just don't try to downplay the fact that you're a religious couple and you let your religious views run your life and you believe that by promoting heterosexual coupling and discouraging divorce you're really only guaranteeing your places in heaven. Because that's what it's about. You both just want to go to heaven and get right with the discriminatory god you believe in. You don't give a shit about other peoples' happiness. At all. And, you know what, Warrens? If there is an afterlife, which there isn't, you're going to eHell, where you're going to be set on eFire by a bunch of angry eLesbians who never had a chance to find eHarmony in life because you both were too busy giving god an eBlow job. And, you may not "know anything about" this now, but lesbians will cut you. And kick you. And a week later they'll move in with you and join their bank account with yours. And your cats will have to be friends with their cat, otherwise your cat goes. And you better like wheat and adopted Serbian babies and canoeing, because that's what it's going to be for the rest of your lives: wheat, serbian babies and fucking canoeing. ALL THE TIME. Doesn't sound like heaven, does it?*

To sum up, then, not only doesn't eHarmony cater to homosexuals, there's a $49.95-per-month fee to use it. Fuck the fag bias, that's extortion. But, alas, in fundmentalist religious terms, extortion equals a Disney FastPass to heaven, so it's apparently OK. Reader, do us a favor: if you want to make an Internet love connection, stay away from eHarmony.com. We don't think your money should eNtertain their eGregiously eVil eNterprise.

*We adore lesbians. Adore. We're just making a point.

Halloween verité.

Sorry. This just in...

Don't hang yourself on Halloween weekend. Or do—if you want to be hilarious.

Steel away.

OK, people, obviously we're kind of suffering a breakdown. Not a nervous breakdown. Just a regular, run-of-the-mill one. We've TROLLED the Interwebs looking for crap to entertain you with, and the well is dry. DRY. So, go enjoy the Janet Jackson nude sunbathing video if that's your thing. We won't tell. Us? We're going to peruse Site59 and pretend we're going on a last-minute, 70%-off vacation. Because the NB is a 24-hour job, we cannot actually partake of such lavish, yet economical, offerings. That doesn't mean you can't. Right now, you can go to Detroit WITH rental car for just $162! If pre-winter Michigan's not your thing, maybe you'd like to venture to Pittsburgh for just $186? Hmmm? OR, jet to Nassau in the Bahamas for just $291! It's like Detroit, only dirtier!

Anyhootsways, please enjoy your weekend. We plan to be back bright and earlyish on Monday, all ready to make you want to throw your computer out the window yet again.

Stay gold, folks!

Girl, what's that on your arm?

Scabby husband! Scabby husband! Scaaaaaby husband!

Scabby husband.

What's that under yo' blouse?!

Cruise baby! Cruise baby! Cruuuuuuise baby! Cruise baby!


Gays, you just lost a little street cred. (Oh, and fucking Blogger is not letting us upload images right now, and we're FAR too lazy to use another site, so enjoy pictureless posts. Call it casual Friday.)


Parker, brother!

Here's Calvin Klein's new poster boy, 18-year-old Parker Shinn...

Finally! Someone else who enjoys pursuing his sailing career whilst modeling skivvies. We're really so similar, Park. We're like this. Like this. OH, ROCCO. GET THE KORAN OUT OF THE FIREPLACE. I DON'T CARE WHAT KABBLALAH SAYS. JUST...NEVER MIND. I'M TAKING YOU HOME. LOLA, GET YOUR FIVE JACKETS ON.

Lying in cash.

These people are dead, and they're still more successful than you'll EVER be. FOR THE LOVE OF DIO, ROCCO, GET OVER HERE! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO BLOW BUBBLES INTO YOUR JAMBA JUICE?

Foxy Kath & Kim news.

If you don't know us by now, you will never, ever know that we adore the Australian sitcom "Kath & Kim," starring Jane Turner and Gina Riley as a classless middle-class mother and daughter in Fountain Lakes near Melbourne. Seasons 1 and 2 of the sitcom have run in the US on Trio, but season 3 has yet to be seen here. Until December, that is! Sundance Channel will air season 3 of the Australian hit beginning December 7, with an episode entitled "Cactus Hour." The best part of this wonderful news? No commercials, ploise!

Once you've enjoyed season 3, you'll be ready for Da Kath & Kim Code, a 90-minute telemovie, which chronicles the adventures of Kath & Kim following their overseas Da Vinci Code tour. The movie premieres in Australia on November 27. No word on a US premiere, but if you're one of those people, you can start an ineffectual Internet petition to send to Sundance to insist they play the movie.

All in all, this news is the boies knoise, indoid. ROCCO, LEAVE LOLA'S TRAINING BRA ALONE GOD DAMN IT!

Whatever happened to Roy Horn?

This story was touched on two weeks ago in Contact Music, but CourtTV gives us some juicy details. Apparently, a white tiger is not the only thing that has abused Roy of Siegfried and Roy. A former Siegfried and Roy bodyguard alleges that Siegfried itself is a "tyrant" who overmedicates and humiliates the incapacitated Horn. Very interesting, indeed. We look forward to hearing CourtTV and CNN legal beast Nancy Grace's loud, emotionally manipulative take on the case. We thank god every night we have a flat-screen HDTV that can accommodate all of Grace's hair and jewe...ROCCO, WE WILL GO TO THE PARK WHEN LOLA IS FINISHED PUTTING ON HER NAIL POLISH. JUST SIT IN THE CHAIR AND PRACTICE YOUR COUNTING.


Hooooooooo, girl, I LOVES yo' nails! Where'd you get them dones? Where'd you get them dones??!? If I could have jus' one na...ROCCO, GET IN HERE AHORA! ¡AHORA! DO YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T CARE WHAT DADDY SAYS YOU CAN DO! IS DADDY HERE? ¡NO! GET IN HERE!

Untapped Top Model.

Just reminding you to go to fourfour for your weekly "Top Model" recap. We haven't watched last night's episode yet, so we don't have any respective pics to include with this post. Instead, enjoy this photo of season 2 "winner" Yoanna House and the lesbian who directs the photo shoots. ROCCO, I SWEAR TO DIO THAT I'M GOING TO DROP YOU OFF IN HARLEM AND LEAVE YOU THERE. I SWEAR I'LL DO IT. LOURDES? LOLA? LOLA, GET OUT OF THE FRIDGE.

Wait, what are they talking about? Who are they?

Here's a video of the Muppets' Statler and Waldorf talking about the scariest movies ever. Or, actually, here's a video of an AP reporter talking about the Muppets' Statler and Waldorf talking about the scaries movies ever. Thank god he's there because otherwise we would have had no idea wh...ROCCO, DO NOT FEED THE DOG CHOCOLATE! ROCCO. LOURDES, HELP ME HERE. POR FAVOR!

Seven swans a-sailin'.

Dudes, there is nuttin' happenin' today. So, please enjoy pictures of swans being moved in boats to their winter habitat. ROCCO, PUT THE PHONE DOWN! PUT THE PHONE DOWN! JESUS CHRIST, LOURDES, PLEASE TELL YOUR HERMANO TO PUT THE PHONE DOWN!

Adam 12.

We've never seen a single episode of "The O.C.," but we would be lying if we didn't admit to having the slightest mancrush on Adam Brody. Yes, he's like 12, but so? It's OK, right? GET OVER HERE, ROCCO! I DON'T CARE IF I'M NOT YOUR FATHER. JUST...¡AY DIOS MIO!

A day out.

Well, how would you feel if you had to babysit the daughter you donated your sperm for and some other kid who's related to your daughter but not to you? Exactly.


The holy tree.

The latest in Jesus sightings...

This time it's a maple tree in Virginia. How we pine for the days where god would at least be something on fire or part a fucking sea. Oh, and by the way, we don't see Jesus. At all. We do see Charlene Tilton, however. She looks fantastic. A little knotty, but fantastic.

At your Becks and call.

OK, gays, enjoy. We got nothin'! Absolutely NOTHIN'!

Degrassi: the benefit.

We just stumbled across this page upon hearing that "Degrassi" actor Aubrey Graham (who plays angry wheelchaired Jimmy) is an aspiring rapper...

It's a page that features poetry and songs written by "Degrassi" cast members in 2003 to help spread awareness of AIDS/HIV. We're partial to Cassie Steele's (whore Manny) "Prayer" and Adamo Ruggiero's (gay Marco) "Me and You," which includes the line...

I grab a bite to eat, then shampoo my hair and iron my jeans,

Your siblings scream with hunger and you are their only means.

There's also a clip from the video the "Degrassi" kids did for UNICEF.

But, wait, there's more! There's a whole gossip page, which has this bit of info:

"There may be a musical episode."

Well, judging from the above UNICEF work, we sure hope so!

Alas, it looks like this may be the last season of "The Next Generation." We hope Liberty's bi-racial baby will eventually serve as the basis for "Degrassi: Voyager." There needs to be a quality show for the children we'll never, ever, ever have to watch in 15 years from now.

Get in gear!

We're freakin' up to our heads in paperwork. Well, someone's got to deal with these subpoenas! Speaking of heads, enjoy this photo library of kids with headgear.

Anderson Cooper, still gay again once more still.

The pioneering gay/lesbian rag, Houston Voice, is once again blazing trails across the publishing world by declaring news personalities (sorry, you have to have some kind of credentials besides being rich and/or good-looking to earn "anchor") Anderson Cooper and Shepard Smith gay. You want to pique our attention, oh Houston Voice? Publish some pics of our friend grabbing Anderson Cooper's skinny ass in Atlanta gay club Mary's. Until then, JUST SHUT UP. HE'S NOT GAY! GOD DAMN IT!

The NB Sports Page.

One of our Dominican interns, Javier, complained that we never feature any sports news. When we told him we spell "game" with a "y" between the "a" and "m," he just stared at us. Probably because he doesn't speak a lick of English (we knew he was complaining by the rebus he drew for us), but still. When he started crying, however, we had to throw him a bone. So, here for the first and probably last time, the NB Sports Page featuring three exciting sports-related items.

1) SPORTS SASS! Air Force Academy Falcons' coach, Fisher DeBerry attributed his team's latest loss to the fact that the other team had more black players, and blacks "can run very, very well."

2) SPORTS SHOCKER! WNBA MVP announced she's a lesbian. Because she's black, she announced this while running.

3) SPORTS SLAMMER! Tonya Harding was attacked by her boyfriend this past weekend. He got caught by the police because he's white and did not run.

The perennial first sign of winter.

Even Steven.

You can say we don't love you, but it wouldn't be true.
Click here to listen to Seagal get all wild and blue.


Just thinking about the weather.

So sorry, intrepid reader. We have got caught up in making sure the NB's subsidiaries are still alive in Florida. Please bear with us, and join us for a new edition tomorrow. We promise not to make it about the weather or small, racist twins.


Don't worry about the lack of walls! Concentrate on the floor!

Our hearts go out to Rosie O'Donnell, who's apparently been deeply affected by Wilma. As she once said on a bus with her sister, "I HATE HURCANES BLARJHGRAGHRGHRGAGH!!!!!!!!!!" Love the socks and shoes, by the way.

It must have flu.

We'll take a break from this wholly exciting day of weather posts to bring you Getty Images' heartwarming "A Look Back at the Flu." Tender pictures include "Germ Trap," "Small black disc with drug protects cell" and "Carbolic Cure." As the Avian Flu gets closer and closer to killing you, take a moment to reminisce about the good, old days of flu. Viruses just ain't what they used to be.

We have picture to prove it.

Please enjoy the Palm Beach Post's online Wilma photo gallery, a slide show which consists of two pictures, one of which doesn't work.

Black tent down! Black tent down!

Oh, Wilm, we're beginning to doubt you. You've not yet been able to cancel Fantasy Fest, and the frickin' Swap Shop is still standing??? Dude. That shit's basically made of glue and cardboard. Oh well, at least the completely depressing circus act won't have to find a new home. Huzzah.

Yes, you hurri-CAN.

Well, here's the Mormon contribution to the Weather Channel's request for pictures of readers' experiences with Wilma...

Arms off the beads, whore.

Um, yeah, Wilma? Um, the gays don't like when you fuck with excuses for them to dress in drag and throw wet sparkly shit at each other. Just sayin'...

Alpha bits.

Do not ever let it be said that the NB does not provide you with educational resources. Now, whilst reading today's news, you may have learned that tropical storm Alpha has claimed some lives in Haiti. ALPHA? you may have said to yourself (after you questioned the viability of anyone actually still being alive in Haiti). That sure doesn't sound like anyone's name! Well, it's not. It's the first letter of the Greek alphabet. You see, there are only six lists of names for each of the three hurrican-prone regions. The lists are used in rotation every six years. The only time a name is changed is when a hurricane proves to be destructive and deadly. So, you can bet your bottom dollar that you'll never have to deal with another Katrina again, unless you came to the god-awful Halloween party we attended Saturday night, at which we dressed up as Katrina. Never mind. This year, Wilma was the last name on the list in use. Because there are only six lists, once the year's list is complete (which, by the by, has never happened before right now), rather than use the list prepared for next season, the Greek alphabet is employed. Thus, tropical storm Alpha is now making its way through the Caribbean. Beta will be next, followed by Delta, Gamma etc. Interesting, no? Well, Socrates would be proud.

Anyway, here's FEMA's kid's Web site's (come on—it's hilarious AND easy to read) explanation of the whole hurricane naming business. And here's About.com's summary, only because it mentions the Greek crap and a lesbian wrote it.


Easily our favorite pic and caption regarding hurricane Wilma's aftermath comes from yesterday afternoon's edition of CNN.com:

The color of the sky is gray as I can see through the blinds.

People, the Great Nor'easter of '05® is bearing down upon us right now. People are blowing by the window and dogs are being walked with those crazy umbrella leashes. We have NO IDEA where they got those. Anyway, today, should we talk about the weather? Hi...hi, hi. Should we talk about the government? No...no, no. OK—weather it is!


Just White, Just Right, #9.

This response is from 13-year-old Locust Gaede.




I HAV TO GO. PLEEZ HEL....................

Just White, Just Right, #8.

This response is from four-year-old Maddox Jolie.

I think Linx and Lam are bad and they shuld lik evrybudy. My momy says to lik evrybudy and to adop them. Linx and Lam do not. When I saw them in Norlins with momy for Katrena they only huged wite kids. There wer only 3 wite kids there.

Evrbudy shuld love evrybudy.

Thank u,
M to the a to the double d

Just White, Just Right, #7.

This is from 16-year-old John Reston.

dude, lynx is a major slut and lamb's basically retarded. i'm not saying how i know but i know.

peace - john

Just White, Just Right, #6.

This response is from 74-year-old Candace Colliers.

I know you're probably surprised that such an old lady can read the blogs and use the e-mail, but I'm no fool. Speaking of surprises, imagine my surprise when my retirement community had a trip to the county fair a few months ago and these adorable twins got onstage and began to sing. Well, it seemed truly special. Now, they didn't necessarily play their instruments well or even sing on key, but it was the effort that counted. However, when they began to sing about how "rad Hitler was" and how "S.S. stands for Super Solution," I got a bit suspect. And even though I'm an old lady, my hearing aid misses nothing. NOTHING. Well, as they continued to sing about this trash, people began to boo and hiss. I joined! Of course I did. After a few minutes of this, we drowned those two little white witches out. They began to stare at us in a daze. One of them began to spit and the other started kicking the air. The one with with fiddle—the kicking one—also began to swing her bow wildly. We got louder until the two mini-Goebbels left the stage. We couldn't believe what had happened! These were somebody's children, somebody's grandchildren! Let me tell you, if my grandkids turned out to be twin racists, I would possibly never speak to them again, and it's not just because I think twins themselves are the work of the devil. There's no reason for such pretty young girls to be spouting such vitriol! Shame on them! Shame, shame, shame!

Candace Colliers

Just White, Just Right, #5.

This response is from 56-year-old Rolf Lundgrist.

Misses Lynx and Lamb Gaede are both fine and talented young ladies. They are lucky to have a mother who has made them choose to share their devotion to the Aryan race via song. I am proud to support them and their cause, and I will be as long as they continue to spread the musical word of love, peace and unity to their white brothers and sisters throughout this country.

Sieg heil,
Rolf Lundgrist
Executive Director and Comptroller of Aryans 4 Aryans

Just White, Just Right, #4.

This response is from 44-year-old African-American Jason Sanders.

One of those little racist bitches fucking stabbed me with a fiddle bow last week.


Just White, Just Right, #3.

This response is from 13-year-old Ben Goldstein.

So I invited Lynx and Lamb to my Bar Mitzvah because they live a couple of doors down and my mom told me to because they were new in town and nobody had heard anything about them. My mom made me bring the invitation over to their house. When I did, they both answered the door. I didn't really want to be there, so I just told them my name and said I was inviting them to my Bar Mitzvah. One of them spat at me and the other one kicked me in the shin. Then their mom came to the door, called me a dirty Jew and slammed the door in my face. I stood there because I was so shocked, and then I heard some singing. When I got home, my mom looked at me like she'd seen a ghost and apologized for sending me over to what she called a hornet's nest. Then she called her best friend Susan Schram, and I heard her say something about killing them.

That's basically my experience with Lynx and Lamb. They didn't come to my Bar Mitzvah, by the way.

Ben Goldstein

Just White, Just Right, #2.

This response is from Max Welsh, a Pacific Northwest regional concert booker and promoter.

Prussian Blue, Lynx and Lamb's band, was suggested to me for a small arena concert in Portland. I later found out the woman behind it all was their mother, but that's not important. What is important is when I met them (They would not send me a demo, and two young blonde twins who sing and play music is PERFECT for the 18-29-year-old demographic presently, so I didn't want to let the opportunity pass by), the played a few songs for me. One was "Sacrifice," which I think you're familiar with. I heard Rudolph and thought they were singing about a reindeer, which was even better because blond twins doing Christmas stuff would send the 18-29s over the top. Who can say they made money from that crowd with a Christmas concert? This was looking better and better. Except that the song also mentioned all these other names, none of which were Comet, Blitzen etc. So I asked them what happened to Rudolph, and they told me he was convicted of war crimes at Nuremberg and died in prison. They said it wasn't fair. I agreed and said that's a terrible fate for an animal. They told me Rudolph wasn't an animal, he was an upstanding citizen who was just doing the necessary work to save his race. I told them it was true, that he did end up guiding Santa's sleigh, which is when they just started staring at me with this glazed, creepy look on their faces. It was like their blue eyes were sparkling. Sparkling with terror. I asked what was wrong and they began to go on and on about Rudolph Hess, who I now know spells his name Rudolf. They told me I had no idea about anything. Lynx spat on me and Lamb kicked me in the shin. Their mom grabbed their hands and stormed out of my office. That was when I did an internet search on Prussian Blue and found out they were miniature twin racists. Ends up a good thing I didn't book them, though I still think it would have been a sellout. I'm telling you, it's all about young, hot twins.


Just White, Just Right, #1.

The first person to respond to our inquiry e-mail was 14-year-old Sarah Flannel. She lives in the same town as Lynx and Lamb.

I know Lynx and Lamb. I was at the [NAME REDACTED] mall one day with my BFFs Kirsten and Jess and wer were just standing by Claire's waiting for Jess's ear to stop bleeding becuz she got another hole peirced (she has 14 holes in her left ear!) and this blond girl came up to us and asked us who we were. It was wierd becuz we didn't know her and she wanted top know who we were. So we told her and she told us her name was Lynx. And honestly I didn't laff. Honestly. But Kirsten kind of did. (Jess couldn't cuz she was kind of crying.) And she got a little mad but whatever. So she asked us if we went to school and we told her we did. She said she was homeschooled and Kirsten kind of laffed more becuz obvs homeschooled kids are total freakes. I just stood there and didnt do anything really. Oh, Lynx looked like a milkmaid. It was wierd. Anyway she said she was new in [NAME REDACTED] and she was looking for freinds which was wired becuz you don't really look for freinds, you just mnake them, you know? Anyway so that was wreid. (And Jess's ear was really bleeding at this point. She went ot the bathroom I think.) BUt we we like whatever. So we just staired at each other for awhile. Then another Lynx walked up to us but she said her name was Lamb. At this point Kirsten completly lost it and ran away. So I was standing there by myself with these two girls who looked like milkmaids looking at me with thier creepy blue eyes. TOTALLY creepy. IT was so deirw. Lamb said I was pretty and they were new in [NAME REDACTED] and they were just in the mall and whatever. She seemed more normal even tho her name was Lamb. Then Lynx was like I told them that already and got all crazy. I was like Lynx is TOTALLY the cunty one becuz with twins theres always a nice one and always a cunty one. I didnt' say that but that's what I thought,. Then Lynx asked me if had any black freinds. So I said yes becuz I'm totally in the drama club with An'gell. So Lynx spat on me and Lamb kicked me in the shin and they walked away. And I was just standing there. Kirsten wasn't around and JEss was still iun the bathroom. THEN, they turned around and called me n-lover, if you know what I mean. I can't write it becuz it's too awful. So I screamed milkmaid ho's at them, but they just walked away. So thats how I knew they were little racist bitches. I'm glad I know becuz if I ever see them again or in concert, I'll totally throw crap at them. Like bottles or something.


Just White, Just Right.

So, over after we recovered from our Friday post on li'l racists Lynx and Lamb Gaede, we thought it might be interesting to try to get in touch with some of Lynx and Lamb's townmates (they don't have schoolmates, as they are homeschooled, unless you count their cats, Shrapnel and Razor) to find out what the real Lynx and Lamb are like. All the layman is privy to are two girls, sometimes in dirndls, sometimes in Wal-Mart fashions, warbling about wars and Nazi sympathizers and love. We wanted to get to the heart of Lynx and Lamb. The core. The essence. So, we made the interns work over the weekend (they got to go to Six Flags last weekend, so shut up) and we emailed every person we could in the Gaede's hometown of [somewhere very white in the Pacific Northwest]. Thus, today's NB is a special insider's look at the true Lynx and Lamb Gaede. Please enjoy...



Little Lamb and Lynx.



This is going to be our last post of the day because we honestly don't know how we can follow this. We actually had thought we'd hit the white trash motherlode with Tonya Harding's Web site, but, sheesh, were we wrong.



These two cute twins are Lamb and Lynx Gaede. Yes, Lamb and Lynx. (We don't even want to touch "Gaede" because words with more vowels than consonants have always seemed a bit...untrustworthy).

No, they are not robots or even Children of the Damned. They are singers in a pop group they call Prussian Blue.


First, before anything, click on the pic below and take a look at a video they've made for a song called "Victory Day." Pay special attention not to the fact that neither Gaede can sing or that they take breaths in the middle of words (like "chil"—inhale—"dren") but to what they're singing about. Granted, it's nearly impossible because of the two aforementioned faults, but give it a go...


How was that? Chances are you're probably still a little confused or you're just convinced they're robots. Let's see... OK. Here's some help: another song on the one cd the girls have released is called "Sacrifice." No, it's not an off-pitch, breath-heavy rendition of the Elton John adult-contemporary classic. It's a musical tribute to Rudolf Hess. No, not a Rudolf Hess. The Rudolf Hess, Hitler's chief deputy. The lyrics praise Hess as "a man of peace who wouldn't give up."


Yes, Lynx and Lamb are being called the Olsen Twins of the White Nationalist Movement. Their White Nationalist mother, April, home schools the girls, and their father brands their cattle with swastikas. You can read all about it here. We'd like to quote from the article, but it's really worth reading completely. Especially for the part where they say they helped children affected by hurricane Katrina. WHITE CHILDREN.

They also have a Web site at which you can buy fashions like dirndls...

...or check out lyrics to their songs, including "Sacrifice" which happens to have been written by Lamb. Also there are links (or Lynx) to other Aryan Web sites. Why not go...


Sorry. We can't do this anymore. We don't know what to think, say, do. We are laughing, crying, sleeping, shaking. We just passed out.