The men all pause.

Friends, the NB is on a bit of a hiatus. We hope to return very, very soon. Thank you for your understanding, Lori.


Jared Leto dumps Ashley Olsen, the exclusive story.

Star Magazine is reporting that Jared Leto has already dumped Ashley Olsen. A friend of the actor said, "Jared enjoyed his brief time with Ashley, but now he's not returning her calls. He's pretty much moved on." We sent interns Bianca and Jøsëf out on a fact-finding mission, and we can report that the "friend of the actor" is, as expected, none other than Brian Krakow, who's really not so much a friend as an acquaintance. Anyway, we got in touch with Krakow, and he told us the whole story...

Apparently, Ashley was sneaking out of her San Francisco house right under the noses of Uncle Jesse, Joey and her father, Danny Tanner, and paying Mary-Kate to sit in the high-chair for her. Ashley and Jared were meeting secretly in the park, or so they thought. Brian told us he'd actually heard about them meeting from Kyle and had to tell Angela Chase, obviously, and Angela told Rickie Vasquez, obviously, so they all began spying on Jared and Ashley in the park. Rayanne was pissed she wasn't included, but that's another story, and, anyway, Rayanne gets pissed at everything. At the Tanner household, Mary-Kate told D.J. and Stephanie what was up because Mary-Kate was having panic attacks from having to always cover for Ashley. Ashley's father, Danny Tanner, began to see how strange "Ashley" was acting and called D.J. and Stephanie into Uncle Jesse's bedroom, where they had a family discussion about why "Ashley" was constantly falling out of her high-chair. D.J. and Stephanie both lied, of course, and Kimmy Gibler fell off the ladder she was on so she could spy on the gang through the window. There was a crash, and Mary-Kate in a last desperate attempt to cover for her sister and to distract from Kimmy Gibler's shenanigans, walked into the room and said, "How wude!" but then collapsed and had to be resuscitated by Joey, who was fortunately dressed as a paramedic. The phone then rang, and Danny Tanner answered it. It was a mysterious voice that said, "You're daughter's in the park and she's acting like a whore." Tanner immediately hung up the phone, grounded Stephanie, told Joey to babysit and forced Uncle Jesse to take back the sports car he had bought for D.J. earlier that day. At the park, Rickie was crying and talking about how hard it was to be gay on such a beautiful night, much to the chagrin of Angela, who swore she glimpsed Rayanne at a nearby phone booth, and Brian, who was wondering why everyone was doing what they were doing. Suddenly, a car pulled up, and Danny Tanner emerged to see his actual daughter necking with Leto on the merry-go-round. He instantly told Ashley to "get in the car, young lady!" She replied with, "At least I'm not a coke fiend like my sister!" He yelled, "Stephanie is NOT a coke fiend!" which got thunderous laughs. Jared then tried to tell Mr. Tanner that Ashley was just tutoring him, but, by then, Angela had started lecturing him on dating the "right" girl versus the "wrong" girl. Ashley got in her father's car, and Mr. Tanner told Jared he wouldn't be seeing her again. Jared just stared at him with those crystal clear blue eyes. Angela hugged Jared. Rickie looked at the moon. And, as Sarah McLachlan played, Brian wondered when anyone would like him for who he was.

That's what we're told really happened...

Lawrence welcome.

Tired of being outperformed by underperformer NBC, the UPN gets its own sucky Joey.


Ladies and gentlemen, Posh, Baby, Ginger, Sca..., Spor..., Posh, Baby and Ginger!

Spotlight on Deborah Rush.

It was just announced that Deborah Rush will be featured in the cast of an upcoming Alan Ayckbourn play at Manhattan Theatre Club, so we thought it appropriate to give a little respect to the woman everyone recognizes but whom no one can name... Deborah Rush.

Deborah Rush has had a long, illustrious career. She was first seen on film in a movie called Oliver's Story. As we never saw that, we'll jump to 1979 when Ms. Rush, as a loopy dental assistant, stole the scene away from Dudley Moore in 10. Ms. Rush went on to appear in films like Zelig, The Purple Rose of Cairo, Big Business, She-Devil, You've Got Mail and American Pie 3: Pie Festival. In 1983, Ms. Rush won a coveted Antoinette Perry award for her performance as Brooke Ashton in Michael Frayn's uproarious farce, Noises Off. Ms. Rush has also been featured on television in shows like "Law & Order," "Spin City," and, of course, "Spenser: for Hire."

However, it is because of her fine, fine work in "Strangers with Candy" as Jerri Blank's sometime-drunk stepmom, Sara Blank, that most of the kids know her. We are happy to report that Ms. Rush will be back as Sara Blank in the upcoming film version of "Strangers with Candy," and we're sure that however bad the movie is, Ms. Rush will make us giggle at least a few times.

Deborah Rush, the NB salutes you and would like to bestow this medal upon you for your honorable work in the fine arts. We would also like to make a $5 donation to the charity of your choice, so, please let us know which charity that would be at your earliest convenience.

All kinds of worst.

Our love for all things "worst" just got a little deeper. At the unfortunately named The Stinkers, there's all sorts of information on the worst movies of all time, of 2004, of the last five minutes and more. Here's their list of the 100 worst movies of the century. And if you've seen this site because it's a zillion years old, shut up. We just found out about it, so it's exciting for us.

Sweetin lowdown.

Thanks to Zach W., we were pointed to this site:

Your One Stop Jodie Shop

Yes, it's the Web's premier Jodie Leanne Sweetin site. TV's "Full House"'s Stephanie Tanner gets the royal treatment here, with photos, sounds, live chat and, our favorite, a list of all the Stephanie books from the "Full House" books series! Titles include Hip Hop Till You Drop, The Dude of My Dreams and the extra creepy Daddy's Little Girl. Oh, and don't forget about Never Trust a Flamingo, in which Uncle Jesse drinks some punch spiked by a costumed Kimmy Gibler.

There's also a section dedicated to what she's doing now. OK. No there's not! But you can write to her to ask her:

Jodie Sweetin
"Stephanie Tanner"
c/o Savage Agency
ATTN: Judy Savage
6212 Banner Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90038

Just remember to include "Stephanie Tanner" otherwise no one will know who the hell you're trying to reach.

Jonathan, living's done. See girl.

Word has it that on this morning's "Today" show, "Blow Out" star and humongous prick Jonathan Antin informed Matt and Katie that he's having a baby girl. The NB time machine started working again, so we managed to get a picture of her:

Stay strong, girl. Scissors cut more than hair, you know.

Burnt Sienna.

It's official: Orlando Bloom is the new Jude Law.

It doesn't go there.

Friend and NB supporter, Michael C., sent us a link to this article that appeared in the Sunday New York Times. Yes, we realize it's Tuesday, but we don't read the Sunday Times or any other newspaper. If there aren't glossy pics of Star Jones in St. Tropez, we're n'interesse pas.

Anyway, the article talks about our most favorite show, "Degrassi: the Next Generation," and how The N, the stateside cable channel that broadcasts the show, edits episodes and rearranges broadcast schedules in order to make them more American-friendly. Meaning, in Canada, the episode in which Ashley had a drug party was not followed by the episode in which Ashley suffers the consequences of said drug party. In America, it was. Now, we knew The N decided not to broadcast the Manny abortion episode (because no American teens have abortions, so playing such an episode would really be pointless), but we had NO IDEA it was randomly toying with other episodes. Shame on you, the N. How are we supposed to know what an erection is if we're not allowed to actually see Spinner's unwanted, classtime erection? You are a cable channel, after all. Act like one.

As you can imagine, we're moving to Canada. Until then, we'll be renting the uncensored DVDs.


La vida bananas.

We really, truly don't know what to say about any of this except that we sincerely hope Suzanne Somers turns it into a one-woman musical joyride.

Jennifer love.

One of Jennifer Aniston's non-Brad-Pitt exes is auctioning off love letters she wrote to him back when they were wooing. The eBay auction will open on July 29 with a reserve of $100,000. The ex surprisingly cited "financial reasons" when asked why he was auctioning off the lipstick-on-toilet-paper letters.

In related news, on July 30, we will be auctioning off Courteney Cox's labia. We can't comment on why we're doing this other than for hilarious reasons.


Intern Kamil has pointed out (literally—he can barely conjugate "to have") that the last few posts have been very angry and negative. We tried screaming "Of course they have!" at him, but he just continued to cry and ask for someone named Mama. Anyway, because we're a colorblind workplace, we decided to post about something that would make us happy: seeing beautiful and glamorous movie star Julie Delpy in concert...

Oh shit, sorry. That wouldn't make us happy. That would made us want to stick knives in our ears. God damn it, this is so hard.

Dear god, sorry to disturb you but...

Ladies and gentlemen, god...

And, forgive us, lord, but so we have two recommendations. Either:


2) Sue the studio for a cool million. You could probably get more but since you didn't think of this in the first place and because you live in Florida, you don't deserve more. In fact, don't be surprised if we sue you if you ever score that money (which you won't because you secretly like the attention because instead of trying to downplay this, you allowed an article to be done about it).

Don't imagine casting.

OK. When you find out someone in your office is planning a surprise birthday party with ice cream cake for you, and you're perched on the precipice of some tall building and ready to jump, just remember that you never contributed to this site. You're feeling a little better now, aren't you? Actually, we're about to go contribute to the White Noise post, just to fuck with its creator who is obviously the only one who has voted thus far. Actually, no we're not because we'd rather jump off a tall building after being subjected to an office birthday party.

Musicish news.

TV Guide reports that "American Idol" loser and botox winner, Mikalah Gordon, will guest star on the first episode of Fran Drescher's new WB sitcom, "Living with Fran." She'll play cousin Destiny and will appear in blackface. Kidding! It's just that...the WB...all the black shows...you know...it's like BET...hilarious...

Speaking of black, here are the nominations for this year's MTV Video Music Awards (the link is to USA Today because the Flash use on MTV.com really is just too much to psychologically handle). Ooooh, listen to this: "Other stars will arrive in souped-up cars for an auto show on the red carpet. As the celebrities arrive, viewers will get tours of those cars from the talent themselves." We knew there'd be a new reason for us not to watch this year!

And because, as always, bad comedy comes in threes, Prodigy is releasing two records in the next year. Actually, that's really hilarious.


We just wanted to note a momentous occasion: our first Portuguese reference. The NB is now international and, therefore, very glamorous. Here's what our new Portuguese friend had to say:

Hold no prisoners...

...é a expressão adequada para o estilo do excelente blog Nervous Breakdown. Escrito por um nova-iorquino, claro.

We had intern Silverio translate that to English:

Hold no prisoners... It is the appropriate expression for the style of excellent blog Nervous Breakdown. Writing for a New Yorker, clearly.

Clearly! But "excellent"? They must have some good drugs in Portugal. We think "nao engraçado" would be more correct. Or perhaps "muito aborrecido."

In any case, we do appreciate the "amor" and think that Portugal would be a very nice place to visit. We're glad we now have a place to stay for free.

Paris when it fizzles.

As promised, more Paris Latsis fashion fun. We especially adore the combo trucker/message hat. With the whole wifebeater and wristband thing, you've managed to represent, torso up, four outdated trends. We can only imagine what we're missing below the belt.

BONUS: click on the top pic to see the whole series, in which a drunk Paris Hilton is thrust by some goons into the car onto Paris Latsis for a photo op. Or something like that. We LOVES the backseat friend and his to-go drink in the next-to-last pic. Oh, to be young and rich and talentless and rich.

She was out on her fanny.

Chatty nanny.

Druncle Jesse.

Kimmy Gibler, this is all your fault!

Here she rolls, Ms. Wheelchair America...

Now that you've overcome your handicap, let us bring you back to a comfortable and common level of degradation.

Somers lovin'.

By the grace of some higher being (and a good friend with free tickets), we were able to catch the final performance of Suzanne Somers's Broadway "One Woman Musical Joyride," The Blonde in the Thunderbird. Obviously, this post could be the longest post ever created for the NB, but we'll provide a short list Somerizing how we felt...

1) Justifying doing a one-woman show because you were the child of an alcoholic is insulting to an audience, especially a New York audience, because chances are that audience is made up of at least 78% of children of alcoholics. And the rest are related to one in another way or are one themselves.

2) Yes, Suzanne, we're glad you got through your problems, but taking a hot, relaxing bath while your five-year-old plays alone outside and gets run over, and breaking up a marriage does not make us sympathetic to your plight. It makes us uncomfortable.

3) The above topics, plus sibling death, cancer, poverty, arrest and more, do not constitute a "joyride."

4) Not being able to sing negates "musical."

5) If you're going to have the coat rack, spring for the coats. No one likes a sad mime.

6) Childbirth should NEVER, EVER be re-enacted using a Lay-Z-Boy and a throw.

6) When "Three's Company" is really the only thing of note that you've ever done, best spend more than three minutes talking about it. And it wouldn't hurt to mention Joyce DeWitt and John Ritter.

7) Etc., etc., etc.

8) We loved every long, excruciating minute of it, especially the curtain calls that happened after the applause had stopped.


Forgive, forgive.

Friends, NB headquarters is being searched by the feds thanks to intern Tariq. Alas, we will not be posting today. Please enjoy yesterday's posts some more. We will return Monday, unless something very important happens today and we can find a remote location from which to broadcast. Enjoy your weekend. Drink lots. Of water, that is.


Amazon celebrity delivery roulette.

So, now that we're addicted to watching celebrities deliver Amazon.com packages ("It's Don Cheadle with your copy of...Hotel Rwanda!"), we were wondering who we might want to come to our door with a special delivery. Then, we thankfully thought ahead, and figured out that if you order something solely in the hopes of getting a specific celebrity to pay you a visit, you are, in effect, gambling in the high-limit room in that any celebrity involved with the product of your choice is a candidate for delivery. Let us illustrate scientifically:

Hypothesis: If I order A.I. on Amazon.com, Jude Law will deliver it and we will have coffee and possibly sex.
Conclusion: I ordered A.I. on Amazon.com, and the kid that was also in that Sixth Sense movie delivered it and he's in that awkard stage and I wouldn't want to have sex with him even if he weren't.

Hypothesis: If I order Get Behind Me Satan on Amazon.com, Jack White will deliver it and we will talk about music and life and possibly have sex.
Conclusion: I ordered Get Behind Me Satan on Amazon.com, and the girl showed up.

Hypothesis: If I order Closer on Amazon.com, Clive Owen will deliver it and we'll play cricket right before we have sex.
Conclusion: I ordered Closer on Amazon.com, and was told Jude Law was supposed to show up, but, as usual, UPS messed up the deliveries, so he ended up delivering a copy of the Sixth Sense to someone in Utah while the kid from the Sixth Sense is here with my copy of Closer, which I already illegally downloaded and burned to a DVD. The UPS guy's kind of hot, though.

Thus, may we be the first to warn you against ordering from Amazon.com just to get a particular celebrity to come to your house, as chances are it will result only in awkwardness and disappointment for everyone involved. We recommend such a line of action only to serious and starstruck gamblers and fans of Haley Joel Osment.

Smart sisters.

Non-abductee, junior detective and sister to Elizabeth Smart, 13-year-old Mary Katherine Smart discusses her sister's kidnapping for the first time on tonight's Primetime Live. We hope she'll talk about her parents' plans to have another child when they run out of existing ones to exploit.

Anyway, we always knew that little Mary Katherine was a whore for publicity.


We were recently told about Amazon's new celebrity delivery service in honor of its 10th anniversary. It's where you order something, say, the new Harry Potter book (BUT WE ORDERED IT DURING THE CARTER ADMINISTRATION! We know—this is just hypothetical), and someone related to the book, say, Hermione, delivers it to you personally. Well, because some days the gods do smile down upon us, now you can visit Amazon and watch video of all the awkward celebrity deliveries thus far, including the one where Chris Noth agrees to deliver a "Sex in the City" box set as long as the addressee is a pliable underage girl.

ACTUALLY, we just watched the Harrison Ford selection, and it ranks high on the list of the most cringe-worthy treats we've seen in a long time. Now we're about to watch Joan Cusack have to hold someone else's babies. Thank you, Amazon!


We were reminded of good old Flash Mountain today. No matter how many times we've seen these pictures, and we've looked at them enough to know the linked site is not the original Flash Mountain site we were introduced to in 1998, they never fail to amuse. Ever. Especially the one where it looks like the woman is completely undressed, as if she was preparing for the picture throughout the ride.

Who do you a-lookie a-likey?

In lieu of actual programming, let's just play a game, shall we? It's called "Who do you lookie likey?" and it's brought to us by Susan Scott Lookalikes of the UK (we hope you're all right, guys!). Simply look at each picture, figure out which Hollywood celeb its subject resembles, and click on the pic to see if you're correct. Easy! Or is it?

Rae of light.

Um. Honestly. It's not just us and our lazy interns. London, is, once again, fucking everything up. Wasn't it enough that you got the Olympics, London? No? Really.

Anyway, here's a three-year-old interview with Charlotte Rae. Ignore all the stuff about what she's doing "now," and it makes for a very pleasant, informative read.

Enthusiast Tim pointed out that on page 2 of the interview, Mrs. Garrett refers to her "Facts of Life" school as "Eastlake." The school was "Eastman." We're sure Rae regrets her error.

"Eastland." That's what we meant. We're sure Tim regrets his error, as do we for propogating it.

The Whitney museum.

We know we send you there a lot, but, in preparation for tonight's episode of "Being Bobby Brown," fourfour is currently curating a really wonderful Whitney Houston retrospective with an exhaustive collection of screencaps from all La Crazy's videos. Please visit and enjoy.

Meals on wings.

Can't stop thinking about plane food? This site's just what you're looking for (despite the fact that it uses frames—wha?). This post is also reflective of how much is not going on on the ground today.

You're golden, Sophia!

Don't worry, Estelle, there are millions of gay men who can remember every single moment of the show for you.

In related news, please be aware that Lifetime will be running the "Golden Girls" follow-up, the oldies-running-a-hotel-with-Cheech-and-Don-Cheadle flop, "Golden Palace," beginning August 1 at 6:30 p.m. It's only for a limited-time, so set your TiVos, gays.


"Visit Queens...We Have the Airports"

Finally, all you Queens kings and queens, you're getting your own license plate. It's to promote Queensboro tourism, which is a great idea, but before you get ahead of yourselves, how about you build something in Queens that people would actually want to visit? Then, you could put a picture of that on the license plate rather than one of the old Flushing Meadows-Corona Park 1964 World's Fair Unisphere to justify the wee-bit ambitious motto "Visit Queens...See the World."


Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Deaf World. What? Miss Deaf World. What? Miss Deaf World. What? Miss Deaf World. What?

Penis Festival (or, How We Got Our Hits Up)!

Heath's ledger, Clive's owen, Bruce's willis etc. (need we say not safe for work?)

She's been done before.

Um, we don't know what all the fuss is about. Kidman, Swank—it doesn't matter. Need we remind you that Heidi Fleiss was already masterfully played by the irrefutable Jamie Lynn DiScala (née Siegler) in the definitive Heidi Fleiss movie, 2004's made-for-TV Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss, now available on VHS and DVD? We didn't think so.

Must love cash.

Oh, Cusack, you can try to explain why you chose to co-star in the romantic comedy, Must Love Dogs, but we won't buy a word of it. Not a word.

Oh well, at least the interview was conducted by the groundbreaking, Pulitzer Prize-winning Associated Press:

Are you a dog guy?

Cusack: Yeah, I love dogs.

AP: It’s got to be hard, because you’re on the road a lot.

Cusack: Yeah, it’s hard for my lifestyle, because you’re gone. But one day ...