Oh. Right. One more thing.

People, no matter what anyone tells you, these shoes do not look good on you. They just don't.

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We don't care how comfortable they are (and we don't believe they are—they're rubber)—they look like something you'd find in the cut-out bin at the Sanrio outlet. Take your pair and put it in the same storage unit with your Razor scooter, your trucker hat and your crop top and never, ever let us see them again. Seriously.


Lazy days and Lisas.

Feeling lazy? We sure are! Head on over to The Blair Necessities for a whole lot of laziness in this week's Coffee Talk Companion.

Have some coffee, talk.

Mornin', folks. We're understaffed today, and by "understaffed," we mean "we had to take our iBook into the Apple store for repairs once again." Meaning, we only have two computers instead of three. Meaning, we're going to be working on this week's Coffee Talk Companion presently, just so we can post it as soon as possible. Don't worry—Lisa Whelchel decided to post song lyrics this week, so it shouldn't take us too long to come up with something marginally entertaining. In the meantime, we'll always know what you did last summer.


Dog days of summer.

To end this week in a properly lazy manner, we'll leave you with something we wish we'd thought of. Enjoy, and be good, k?


Basic instinct.

We just threw up a little in our mouth so much. Which is particularly awful when you are then caused to totally LOL by a quote such as this: "Garry and Sharon are loving one another like never before."

Dick joke.

We've never, ever enjoyed any of the New York Times's film reviews, yet sometimes we are strangely compelled to read one or two. Which reminds us why we never, ever enjoy any of the New York Times's film reviews. Please enjoy this quote from A.O. Scott's review of Michael Mann's Miami Vice, a comparison so untopical and labored it could only come from a New York Times film review:

"[Colin] Farrell, however, is a movie star only in the sense that Richard Gephardt is president of the United States. He’s always looked good on paper, and he’s picked up some endorsements along the way — from Oliver Stone, Joel Schumacher and Terrence Malick, among others — but somehow it has never quite happened."

The thing's the play.

Peter Shaffer's monumental play, Equus, will be revived in London and will star monumental actor Richard Griffiths and film star Daniel Radcliffe. Here's how the Associated Press broke the news:


It's been over a year since we voted Pope Benedict into office, and we feel like we hardly know him. Today, in an NB exclusive, allow us to show you some of the Pope's favorite activities...

First, Pope Benedict unsurprisingly takes time to write letters. We're sure he has lots of folks to talk to.

The Pope also enjoys playing the piano! We thought Condi Rice was the only musically inclined member of an international religious organization. Just goes to show you should never assume anything.

So much activity surely can exhaust an elderly soul, even if he is nearest to God. So, in true Papal tradition, at the end of a long day of letter writing and piano playing, Pope Benedict relaxes by eating a baby.

We hope you enjoyed this brief glimpse into the life of Pope Benedict XVI. Metus enim mortis musica depellitur.

Your video clip of the day.

The profiler.

Just so you're aware, Gus Van Sant is trawling MySpace for teenagers. Kind of makes us nostalgiac for the good old days when Bryan Singer visited colleges in person. Sniff.

Modest maid.

Mrs. Garrett fans, rejoice!

Be grateful.

Come on. Just try to resist.


To the dogs.

Hey, kids. Blogger's been a dick to us all day, so we were not able to post. It's OK. We didn't have anything to say, anyway. Except for how cute those puppies were on Project Runway last night and how delicious they must have tasted to Vera Wang afterward.

Kidding!!! Sheesh.

OK. We'll see you tomorrow.


It ain't no lie.

And, finally, via something called The Showbuzz, our most favorite headline of the day:

Good night!


Bye, bye, bye!

Hole in one.

Kudos, Lance Bass. Ku-dos. Your brave admission today is sending ripples through the world. More specifically, the golf world. Before today, it would have been unthinkable for a writer to even think of posing such a question such as this:

"Do we all seriously believe that there are no male homosexual golfers on the PGA or European Tours?"


See what a little courage can do? One person truly can change the world. Lance, thank you. (Well, mostly because we now know someone named Dot Wong exists.)



As people with Down Syndrome are notoriously wary of people with homosexuality, we can't help but wonder what Dayne's going through today. We hope Dayne and his family are doing well and are focusing on happy memories rather than dark ones.

This Never Happened.

And now we're proud to introduce a new NB feature called...

This Never Happened.

Without further ado, then, ladies and gentlemen,

This Never Happened.

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Too sweet.

Aw. Even Reichen Lemukhl needs extra cash every so often. So cute. (May we suggest, Reich, putting the money toward a new Web site?)

Work it out!

The NB is proud to be the first site to reveal to the public the latest euphemism for being gay: "under construction."


Spring into action.

Guys, right now it's just $7 to bid on the world's only gay bobblehead doll. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

Your video clip of the day.

Double Bass.

In the wake of this bit of hilarity...

...we'd just like to, once again, bring your attention to this bit of hilarity (via Awful Plastic Surgery)...

You know, it's sometimes the small things in life that make us feel better about ourselves. In this case, a nose.


Bass now is looking ahead to new beginnings. He is in a "very stable" relationship with model-actor-Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl, 32, and is developing an Odd Couple-inspired sitcom pilot with Fatone in which his character will be gay.

"Very stable" relationship with Reichen Lehmukl! Odd Couple-inspired pilot! Joey Fatone! Lance, dude, you totally made our hump day. Best of luck with everything. Oh, and we're totally thrilled that you're "not ashamed" to be gay. If you don't mind, we'll be ashamed that you're gay for you, K? It's the least we can do.


Do your best and stand up!

Yes, it's true, this site does often cater to the gay male (or, more correctly, as evidenced by statistics, the teenage female). But right now we think it's important, nay, imperative to share some things with our lady friends. Specifically, the ones who clean and the ones who are tired of peeing standing up. Basically, all of them.

First up (thanks to April Winchell), we have this:

Begley's Best. Begley's Best is a line of housecleaning supplies created by none other than Mr. Ed Begley, Jr. himself. Of course it is! What makes Begley's Best the...well...best? It's completely non-toxic, non-caustic, biodegradable, child-safe and, most importantly, vegan, meaning it's apparently OK for even the strictest herbivore to eat. Begley's Best is only available online or in California at these fine stores.

After your house is as clean as the TV version of Parenthood, you may need to, well, use the facilities. But, ladies, let's be honest here—sitting down to do a simple #1 can take SO MUCH time. Fret no more. We are proud to bring you this...



Qu'est-ce que c'est? you may have asked yourself.

Why, it's My SweetPee.

No. Not My SweetPea.

My SweetPee.

We don't quite know how it works, nor do we plan to by the time we're done writing this living, but it's apparently an apparatus that allows the ladies to pee...well...standing up. Such convenience! And, the best news is, ladies, you no longer have to have that expensive and time-consuming sex-change surgery just to save a few minutes. You can just buy one of these things and be done with it! Don't believe us? Here are, well, three testimonials to perhaps convince you. Just listen to what Kathy has to say:

"While hiking, an otherwise awful experience behind a tree was avoided. It worked well for me".

See? Even lesbians use it. And they've been peeing standing up since god knows when.

And, best of all, should you make a little mess while getting the hang of your new My SweetPee, thank god you have a supply of this...

Unless, of course, you've eaten it all, you greedy vegan.

Your video clip of the day.

Not since Supergirl The Temp Dunston Checks In.

Faye Dunaway + Tiffani Thiessen + Eric Roberts + French Stewart + Renee Taylor = a reason for us to live until next summer.

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On the head.

We saw the Head On commercial for the first time on Sunday and immediately wondered how long it would take for some way cool journalist to cover it. The answer? Two days.

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Who? Chris who?

Ladies and gentlemen, the honors of performing the theme song for the upcoming James Bond film, Casino Royale, have gone to none other than...

Chris Cornwell. We're sure the University of Georgia Economics Department is very, very proud.

Chris Cornwell

Steely Dan vs. Owen Wilson, round 1.

Steely Dan = 1.

Steely Dan

Owen Wilson = 0.

Luke and Owen Wilson

Your move, Owen. We're gonna suggest humoring them even though they sound kind of crazy. But they did write "Deacon Blues," and you were in Zoolander. So you're clearly out of your element.

We're eagerly awaiting your move, O. And by "eagerly," we mean "not eagerly."

Off the roof.

What happened ?

Click here to find out!


Oil of soleil.

Sunscreen that will prevent certain types of cancers caused by UV radiation has finally been approved for distribution in the United States after being available in Europe for years. Unfortunately it will not prevent the type of cancer that it will cause. Sorry.

Sign off.

The sign we "reported" on earlier...

...has been taken down. The new article doesn't specify why, but we're thinking it's because someone pointed out to the offending neighbors that there's just one retard in the area. Perhaps they are currently making the necessary correction to the sign. We'll keep you posted on any subsequent updates.

Your video clip of the day.

Oy, Adrian.

Here's Adrian Grenier's MySpace page. Not only do we think you should add him and pester him with messages full of large attachments, but we think you should do the same to his 2339 friends. Celebrities with MySpace pages deserve special treatment. And so does Adrian Grenier. Thanx!

The area's crawling with them.

From the glorious state that brought you polygamy, Elizabeth Smart and JetBlue comes what may well be our most favorite story ever. Seriously. (Thanks, Tyler!)

CTC update.

The latest Coffee Talk Companion has been posted at The Blair Necessities. Don't get too excited: Lisa's being a sluggard this week.

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Pardon this late addition, but we feel it necessary to let you know, in case you didn't already, that Natasha Lyonne is, in fact, alive. And fat.

As you were.

Let the Kevin.

It's Friday, so we're lazy you get a treat. Please enjoy these pics of Transamerica star Kevin Zegers, and then enjoy your weekend. Hugs!

Your video clip of the day.

Version 30.0.

Just FYI, here's the list of sponsored links that popped up on Torrentspy's search page BEFORE we performed any search:

That's Cattrall, folks.

Nissan, today, pulled a New Zealand ad for its new Tiida sedan because it said the commercial, featuring Kim Cattrall, was too raunchy. In related news, we, today, pulled a muscle while throwing up after watching said commercial.

Yes, we know the ad posted is not exactly the one described in the article. But we refuse to accept that two of these exist.

Sound check, please.

Via list-happy Blender magazine, here's a list of the worst onstage meltdowns in the history of live music. Meaning, the best onstage meltdowns. Meaning, we love it when we're not the one having the meltdown.

A wee bit Lost.

Here are pics of the entire set of Lost action figures. On the downside, we are going to be having nightmares for weeks thanks to these creeeeeeeeepy dolls. On the upside, it just became so much easier for us to make Lost Babies.

Lisa Whelchel's July e-letter.

What's in Lisa Whelchel's super-exclusive July e-letter? Click here to find out!


Lawrence welcome.

Guys, take it easy. The first season of Mama's Family is, in fact, coming to DVD on September 26, and it's complete with two be-Mama-ed discs, as seen below. (We'd insert a funny quote from the show here, but we don't remember any funny quotes from the show. Fine. We don't remember any quotes from the show being funny. OK. Guilty as charged. We don't remember any quotes from the show at all.)

I don't see much of anything.

Oh, no! Oscar-nominee Haley Joan Osborne was in a car crash this morning! Get better soon, HJ. We're rootin' for ya!

Your video clip of the day.

Well, it's about time!

From TMZ:

Kid phenom Dakota Fanning is going the way of Brooke Shields and Jodie Foster – and then some – as she tackles a dicey, but potentially award-worthy role in which she endures a sexual assault and appears naked in several scenes.