Nigel bytes.

Well, tonight's the night we talk to "America's Next Top Model"'s Nigel Barker and two other people. It's your last chance to get your questions in. So far we have...

"Nigel, what are you wearing?"

"Nigel, how many times will you be shirtless in the upcoming cycle?"

"Nigel, may we see your ass?"

"Nigel, when are you going to ignore her and start paying attention to me?"

"Nigel, do you think I was kidding when I said I needed you to get milk on the way home?"

"Nigel, do I look amused?"

"Nigel, are you or are you not 100% in love with me and only me?"

...and...

"Nigel, please don't leave. Oh, sorry. Nigel, will you please not leave?"

Folks, if you've anything to add, time's a-tickin'! We'll be back tomorrow hopefully with answers to these, and all sorts of other, scintillating queries.

G'evening!

Saddest Movie Trivia Ever, the first installment.

(We were perusing IMDb and came across the below bit of patheticness. We're sure there's a ton more waiting to be found, and we promise to to bring it to you. Or not.)

Michael Caine could not accept his Oscar for Hannah and Her Sisters because he was busy filming Jaws: the Revenge.

Better than the restroom.

Oh! Laissez les bons temps rouler, mes amis! To celebrate this Shrove Tuesday, what could be more Mardi Gras-appropriate than going to the bathroom? In fact, why don't you go vote for the cleanest restroom in the country? Here are your choices:

All Seasons Bistro, in East Lansing, Mich., which was cited for its streak-free mirrors, old-world floor tiles and fresh paint job. "This is one of a few public restrooms I would allow myself, my wife and children to use and not worry about it," the nominator said.

Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa, in Atlantic City, whose restrooms - with their stainless steel sinks, choice of hand towels or dryers and warm wood tones - "spare no expense."

Hemenways, of Providence, R.I., a landmark waterfront restaurant whose restrooms are clean and have "simple elegance and charm."

Quad City International Airport, in Moline, Ill., which has facilities that are "clean, simple, pleasant and exactly what you want in an airport washroom."

Wendell's Restaurant, in Westerville, Ohio, whose sports-themed restrooms are "praised for being neat, clean and having lots of towels and even mouthwash."

Obviously, we've never set foot in any of these, but that didn't stop us from voting for the All Seasons Bistro. We encourage you to do the same just so Michigan can finally say it was honored for having something clean.

OK? Great. Now show us your tits!

Living up to your dreams.

You've taken the good...

You've taken the bad...

You've taken them both...

And what do you have?

"The Facts of Life" seasons 1 and 2 on DVD on May 9, 2006.

Armed and fabulous.

Who said these wonderful things regarding "Project Runway"?

"When I think back about Daniel Vosovic, for instance, I find it hard to remember most of what he did for the first half of the show. The first time he really comes into the spotlight is with the lingerie challenge, and frankly, I thought that stuff was dull/normal. I don’t even remember what Daniel did for the next several challenges."

"I’ll use Daniel Franco as an example. Lord, this past week I have found out I’ve developed an allergy to the guy. There was no way he was going to stay the course of season two. Absolutely no way. He doesn’t understand a deadline. He is incredibly annoying to be around."

"The other person from season two who I was not only perfectly happy to see go, I would have arranged for a car service to get her out of there, was Zulema. Oh, my God."

Why, it's the always enthralling and impeccably dressed...



Tim Gunn!

(And here's part two!)

Richer Simmons.

Oh, just 'cause we haven't in a while—here's a pic of Kimora Lee in a giant mink getup with lots of horrible jewelry. Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous.

Supreme courting.

Your tax dollars hard at work.



(By the by, didn't anyone tell those two that black is not an appropriate color for a courtroom, let alone the courtroom?)

Zip me up before you go-go.

"G.M." stands for "good morning!" It also stands for "George Michael." It also stands for "gimp mask."

HIV podsitive.

Apple is set to unveil some "fun new products" this morning. This can only mean one thing: the arrival of the long-awaited red AIDS Awareness iPod. Finally, you can watch "Lost" and show your concern for those with AIDS, all while riding the C train. Fun!



UPDATE:
The "fun new product" is an Intel-based Mac Mini. Blee blee blee. Guess you'll have to wait a little longer for the terminal disease series of iPods. Shucks.

America's Next Top Teleconference.

Folks, we have some homework for you. Believe it or not, we are scheduled to be part of an "America's Next Top Model" teleconference tomorrow night with noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, ANTM fashion shoot director Jay Manuel and ANTM executive producer Ken Mok. So, if you have any questions for Nigel, please email them to us or post them in the "comments" section. And if you have any questions for Jay or Ken Mok, please make sure they can be answered by Nigel. We will do our best to get hot responses to your hot questions. So far we only have, "Nigel, why are you so hot?" so we clearly need your help. K?

Wonderful.

C ya tomorrows!

"America's Next Top Model" cycle 6 primer.

What can you expect on the upcoming cycle 6 of "America's Next Top Model"? Here's a hint...



And another...



And another...



That's right! Each contestant will be turned into a Siamese Cabbage Patch Kid and forced to watch episodes 1–3 of Star Wars. Brutal.

Oh. Wait. No. On the first two-hour episode of "America's Next Top Model," each contestant's hair will be completely shaved off! For reals. The first photo shoot will require each of the 13 girls to be completely shorn. Obviously we are already looking forward to the sheer volume of crying this revealtion is sure to create. Tears of such magnitude have only occurred three times on earth: at Hiroshima, during the Mariel Boatlift and when the last Sizzler closed in Columbia, South Carolina. AND, to add insult to baldness, Janice Dickinson will make a surprise appearance, hopefully to mock the girls into complete humiliation. People, the odd-numbered 13 contestants lead us to believe you may witness the first reality suicide on March 8. All this before an actual panel-induced elimination!

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Well, if we could create a road sign for all this, it would read,"Caution, Fantastic Times Ahead."

Holliday in.

OK. First off, this may be the gayest thing ever posted on this site. At least today. Secondly, it's a link to YouTube, and one of our unwritten rules is that we do not link to video because it requires more than 11 seconds of your attention.

That said, here's Jennifer Holliday performing "And I Am Telling You (I'm Not Going)" from Dreamgirls from the 1982 Tony Award broadcast. No matter that she looks like a black Mrs. Lovett, we dare you not to be completely awestruck by what's been called one of the finest theatrical moments ever.

Project "Runaway."

UPNWB, or the CW, has greenlit its first pilot. The new series comes from Sex and the City creator Darren Star and is described as such:

The series, called Runaway, has echoes of freshman hit Prison Break, with a plot involving a family who become fugitives in order to prove the innocence of their father, who has been convicted of murder.

While we can safely promise we'll never, ever watch that, we congratulate young CW on its first steps into the world of broadcasting. One tip: don't call your first show "Runaway."

The horse haterer.

Wow. Stars really are just like us.

“Matthew [McConaughey] gets along with pretty much everyone, but he basically couldn’t bear Sarah [Jessica Parker],” the insider claims.

Nude...Bond nude.

Ladies, here's the new James Bond...



...and here he is au jus.

Anyway, did we mention the ANTM contestants will be bald??? Awesome.

We came for the shroud; we left with the joy.

The Olympics may be over, but the memories skate on.

There's something deep inside of me.

Oh yeah! This happened yesterday, and obviously it merits your attention, especially the part about the sex masks in the boot of the car. "Boot" is English for "trunk," by the way. "Boots" is English for "Walgreens."



UPDATE:
GM publicly admits he did have drugs. Which is very nice of him. Obviously, though, we're wondering about the pornography, sex toys and, of course, sex masks. What about those? Yay or nay? George?

Take me to another place.

What's about to become the worst state in the union? Click here for the exciting answer!

Letter from the editor.

Dear reader(s),

Spring is a season of growth. What's died in winter begins new life. Here at the NB, it's always pretty much been winter. We're sure you've gotten used to it. Alas, things can't stay the same forever. Spring happens to all god's creatures, sooner or later. As the north half of the earth approaches spring, apparently spring approaches us, too. Whether we like it or not. This week, then, you will be privy to two startling developments here at the NB.

First of all, yours truly has been interviewed by Best Gay Blogs for its "In Depth" feature. If you'd like to find out what's behind all this smoke and mirrors, head over there this week.

As well, and this is the main development, for the first (and probably last) time in its history, the NB will be featuring news less than a week old! In fact, this site will be bringing you the scoop on upcoming episodes of the new cycle of "America's Next Top Model." If you don't believe us (and why would you?), check out upcoming posts. If you want to know why we've been trusted with this info (and why would you?), you'll have to read the aforementioned interview for the answer.

So, friends, if you've made it this far without dying of laughter, we hope you will enjoy these exciting changes. And please don't worry—98.3% of this site will remain the black hole of entertainment that you've gotten so used to. Trust us—we've gotten used to it too.

Stay gold.

Love,
Your editor

Let he who does not anti-sin cast the first shirt.

On the plus side, they do offer free shipping in CA. Well, maybe not to San Francisco...

Goodbidol.

Oh, yeah. Here are the four losers of the week:




We will miss Stevie and her CONSTANT winking at and posing for the camera. If you don't know what we're talking about, we urge you to refer to your DVR and keep an eye on Stevie in group shots. As well, Bobby should never have listened to his grandma who suggested he sing "Copacabana." We hope he kills her. Becky will be able to get a job as a swimsuit model, no doubt. And we have no idea who the other guy was or where he came from, but we're sure he'll return there with ease.

Dancing mermaids and other follies of Hollywood.

It's going to be a doozy of a day, people. Posts may be few and far between (aren't you lucky?!). That said, here are 50 scandalous Hollywood secrets!

Can you believe this???

15. Tara Reid attended high school in New Jersey with American Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis.

OMG! And, did you know...

05. Usher holds the Star Search record for the longest note by a child: 12.1 seconds.

No way! And, if you click the link, you can find out just what the hell is happening to Reese in this pic...



Awesome!

Repulsive? Try debonair.

And...good night.

Idol answers.

All right. There was no original "Idol" chatter here today, but we did find some second-hand crap for you. Click on the link below to find out the answers to such exciting questions as...

What did Kellie Pickler say to the chef?!?

How is Melissa McGhee making up for getting what she feels is less onscreen time than the other girls?!?

And what did gray-haired Taylor Hicks do in his room on Monday night?!?

Tell me, tell me, tell me!!!!!!!

What a racquet.

Our last post inspired us to check in with Lisa Whelchel. You know, see what's going on in her life.

Besides scrapbooking, my latest addiction is racquetball. I can’t get enough of it. I have been playing for two hours once a week but I could play for two hours every day and still want to play more. I love it!

Well!

Kind of Duff.

This bit of glory just came to our attention: it's Hilary Duff's blog! Honestly, it's really too much to pick a favorite post, but we'll go with one about our favorite rectangle's encounter with Joey Lawrence and his "trademark line":

Have you seen my latest Ice Breakers commercial? I did one again with my big sister Haylie. Last year’s commercial concept was: “It's liquid, it's ice, its Ice Breakers Liquid Ice". This year we had even more fun because it was even easier. The concept for this year’s commercial is cool too. If you haven’t seen it, here’s the general idea: Haylie and I are at a table and she says, "Check out Ice Breakers new gum." Then I take a piece and chew it and I say “Whoa!" Then Haylie says, "Nobody says whoa anymore". They cut to a monk at a church saying “whoa!” and then to a hippie at the beach saying “whoa!” and then back to us at a table where Joey Lawrence walks in, stops and says his trademark line, “Whoa!”

It’s funny. Joey Lawrence was cool. I almost didn't recognize him. I hadn't seen him in a long time. His hair is short and he was kind of buff. It was a quick two days. The Ice Breakers gum is good. I also really like it because it is sugar free.

Gay/Countergay: the "Project Runway" reunion.

Last week we published a series of emails between this site's editor and Zach of True Enough for You as our first "Project Runway" Gay/Countergay feature. Today, to keep with the epistolary theme, we present an iChat Gay/Countergay. And if you've had enough of this back-and-forth, we have bad news for you: there's going to be more come "America's Next Top Model." But take heart, we have edited this to make it as brief and painless as possible. As well, we have provided explanation where things get perhaps a little vague. That's in gray. We're in salmon. Zach's in black.

Enjoy!

The NB: Did you see PR?
TEFY: i did, and it was the best thing maybe ever
The NB: It really was. I almost couldn't take it. I am entirely pro-Santino now.
TEFY: the lupe thing? amazing.
The NB: Amazing.
(Lupe, or Guadalupe, was apparently high and/or drunk during the taping. She was asked a simple question and could not, for the life of her, answer it coherently. It was excruciating, yet highly entertaining.)
TEFY: i am not entirely there, but he's amusing
The NB: He sings everything. That's enough for me. And Daniel V. was a little prick last night.
TEFY: you think?
The NB: Yes.
TEFY: i thought he was just defensive
The NB: No. He was clearly over it. Which is fine. But you have to put on a game face.
TEFY: maybe he knows he loses
The NB: When they were arguing over the chiffon line, he finally was like, "It was Andrae." All bored.
TEFY: haha, i didn't know the chiffon was such an issue.
The NB: Smile and nod, dude.
TEFY: but he helped out marla
The NB: The chiffon line was the centerpiece of the whole evening.
TEFY: and i have to love my PA girls
(Daniel let us know that he appreciated Marla's success as a store owner. Or something like that. Our middle fingers got in the way.)
The NB: Fuck him.
TEFY: you haven't recovered from hearing that he was like glenn close at that bar, have you?
(Here.)
The NB: Why did we only just find out about Shatangi?
(Shatangi is apparently Zulema's tell-it-like-it-is alter ego, which we only found out about last night, which, upon further reflection, kind of makes sense as Shatangi was the only one we really ever saw, but we'd probably have just been confused if "Shatangi" kept popping up on our screens when we thought her name was Zulema. Anyway, we now have a tell-it-like-it-is alter ego. Her name is Taffany.)
TEFY: i have no idea, but i feel gypped. in fact i want to see project shatangi instead of project jay.
The NB: Of course. My favorite line of the season is still Zulema telling Kara she can cry as long as she keeps cutting.
TEFY: i love that, and i plan to tweak it and use it
The NB: "You have to cut AT THAT RATE."
TEFY: right, substitute cut for other words
The NB: Totes. And Daniel Franco is a lunatic. And fat.
TEFY: i loved when he said I love you Heidi
(At the end of the episode, he had this creepy staredown with Heidi Klum, during which he hinted that we may see him on season 3. Truly terrifying.)
The NB: They really showed us some A-1 interview moments, as well.
TEFY: why do they hold this stuff back?
The NB: It was kind of shocking.
TEFY: the editors last night were so brill
The NB: They deserve a Pulitzer.
TEFY: i would kill andrae in real life i think
The NB: I can't decide. Either kill or protect.
TEFY: i couldn't do a whole night with him. his whole tantrum on the runway.
The NB: But he seems like the one who had the most fun, which I appreciate.
TEFY: 6:45 minutes elapsed: "Oh, where to begin..."
The NB: Wonderful. I couldn't believe that lasted 10 minutes. We needed the clock initially.
TEFY: i am surprised it didn't last longer
The NB: And I totally forgot it happened with Diane von Furstenburg.
TEFY: she looked amazing
The NB: Who was so not interested.
TEFY: she was not having it
The NB: She had to sit there for 10 minutes and listen to Andrae! Certainly a low point in her career.
TEFY: lighten up it's just fashion
The NB: Well, now we have context for it. Thank you very much.
("Lighten up, it's just fashion" were lyrics to a song Santino made up. Previously it seemed that he'd improvised them up in the workroom, but we were informed that they were, in fact, words uttered by Michael Kors during a "runway" session.)
TEFY: finally
The NB: This was like the prequel.
TEFY: i hope no one skipped this episode. it brought so much together
The NB: This was "Project Runway"'s "Wide Sargasso Sea."
TEFY: right?

Tiny pleasures.

Here's this week's best Popbitch item. Easily.

Angelina Jolie has been looking for an apartment in
15th arrondissement, Paris. She stopped in the street
this week to stroke a Yorkshire terrier called Tiny.

The what with the who?

Swank and Lowe are back together? Cruise and Holmes really are split? Mamma mia! WE SO CONFUSED!

A little bad and a wee dangerous.

Here are Michael Jackson's kids, but chances are you knew that just by looking at them...

Wea culpa.

Imagine our surprise when, after hunkering down with a gallon of Edy's Slow Churned butter pecan and a veggie mary, we find that our DVR hasn't even recorded "American Idol." It's true—we were mighty displeased with the two-hour length of Tuesday night's installment, but we certainly aren't thrilled with a zero-hour episode, either. Sheesh! Alas, we have no idea what happened on last night's episode, which is probably a good thing, but still.

To add insult to ice cream, we turned on the "Project Runway" finale, which we were not looking forward to, only to experience an hour of the finest television we have seen in a while. So fine, that we'll be back in a while with a detailed description of our thoughts. In fact, it may have been the best episode of the season.

OK, gods of television, we have learned our reality TV lesson. We never again will complain about overlong talent shows or seemingly inferior reunion shows.

In the meanstimes, to make up for our "Idol" wandering, here's something for the girls and gays, and here's something for the boys and lezzes...

A night off.

Well, ladies, it's Wednesday, and you know what that means: a "Lost" rerun! And "Project Runway" is a reunion show—if we wanted to see 14 crazies in a room, we'd go home. Seriously, ladies, we'll watch it, but we don't expect to care much. And we're assuming "American Idol" will be 12 hours long again, so maybe we can catch it sometime over the weekend? Oy.

Screw tonight. The bottom line is this, and we think you need to be sitting down before we begin.

OK? Good? OK.

Two weeks from tonight, on March 8, "Lost," "American Idol, "Project Runway" and "America's Next Top Model" will all be on. Alas, you have two weeks to figure out what you're going to do about it, which, granted, isn't much time, but it's better than nothing. We will do our best to remind you of this occasionally, just in case you let your mind wander. And, hopefully, you still have the opportunity to take March 9 off from work. Lord knows you'll need it.

Wanyays, enjoy your evening. Maybe adopt a child. Or, at least, feed one.

The measure of a gay.

All right. Last week, The Phat Phree compiled its list of the 50 gayest things of all time. We approached the list expecting to find yards of semi-witty quips like "#23) going to prom in a group" and "#42) Jim J. Bullock" but only found a conglomeration of unnumbered words like "White Zinfandel" and "bunk beds."

QUOI???

First of all, one thing that every good editor knows (and some bad ones, as evidenced here) is that a list should always be numbered. No one gives a lick about 25 this or 62 that unless there is a specific order to the collection. It doesn't matter if the list's creator(s) actually believes in this range of importance. It just matters that there is one. Because then people can start arguing about what was too far down the list, what was left out etc. and nothing's any good unless some asshole is pissed off.

Second of all, "White Zinfandel" and "bunk beds" aren't gay in the connotation of "homosexual." Those items may be gay, as in "lame." But we don't know any gays who've ever had a penchant for either. And "Any bottle of wine over $10"??? We'd have to hoodwink people into advertising on this site if that were the case. Could you imagine? And, as if not strange enough, the list ends with "Loving your dad." Um, why do you think we're all gay? Because dad left home and we developed unnaturally close relationships with our single mothers. Alas, "Loving your mom"? Most likely. "Loving your dad"? Our who?

Anyways, we're not angry or upset or anything. Just a little disappointed. Everyone claims to have seen Brokeback Mountain, but is the layman really any closer to understanding the gayman? This list makes us think perhaps it's time for you listmakers to rent Steel Magnolias.



ADDENDUM:
We just found the gayest thing ever.

Patty Poole party!

Just so you know, Edie McClurg has a Web site. There's nothing on it, but it exists, which really is what's important.

Riddle me this, faggot.

Q: This is a tough one, but what's worse than a roomful of homosexuals?

A: A roomful of ex-homosexuals and Anne Heche's mom. (It would have been a draw without a Heche.)

Hold it in.

We missed this, which probably means you did, too. Alas, it's never too late for Nicorette-Sheridan-trapped-in-a-Porta-Potty-and-rescued-by-Michael-Bolton news. Never, ever, ever, ever, infinity.

Come die with us.

Here's a list of 2006's most dangerous travel destinations. Looks like it's time to stop planning that family reunion in Burundi!

Stuffing.

Well, it looks like you're going to have to wait until September to hear from Turkey Cowboy again. Anyway, here's his MySpace account if you want to ask him why he suddenly forgot how to sing when music was added. And here's his official Web site. And kill us.

Toy singers.

Dudes, the guy just showed up to fix the water cooler, and he started a small fire. Whilst we deal with that, enjoy this "Kids, Incorporated" crap featuring li'l Fergie and Love Hewitts. Sadly, there's no Martika evident, but we're sure with some searching, you'll be able to dig her up. Step by step, people. Step by step.

Paris when it sizzles.

Imagine our surprise when, after hunkering down with a gallon of Edy's Slow Churned butter pecan and a veggie mary, we turn on the DVR to see that "American Idol" is two hours long. Truth be told, as we begin to care less and less about the contestants, we really can't be devoting two hours to the show, even if we are drinking. So, FOX, if you could reign it in, that would be great. As it is, we still have one more contestant to fast-forward through.

Anyway, clearly Jesus is working for Mandisa and her pantaloons, but our favorite performance of the evening was obviously Paris's high-spirited, joyous, dance-filled rendition of..."Midnight Train to Georgia." Girl, we never imagined "Midnight Train..." as a song to aerobicize to, but you absolutely converted us. Seriously, your facial expressions alone were enough to keep us entertained for 30 seconds, which really is saying a lot for this show. Keep up the fantastic singing of and non-paying-attention-to-the-lyrics-of the songs you sing. Smoke and mirrors, girl—that's what makes a true American idol.

Who becomes a legend most?

And, finally, a new production of James Kirkwood's flop comedy Legends will be touring the country with speculated stars Joan Collins and Linda Evans in the lead roles. Yes. Joan Collins and Linda Evans will be appearing together in Kansas City and Phoenix in a crappy '80s play. Get your tickets IMMEDIATELY. And while you're waiting for the show, pick up a copy of Diary of a Mad Playwright, Kirkwood's novel about the backstage shenanigans that helped bring the original Legends down. Unfortunately, the quality of its writing is just above the quality of this site's writing. However, if you want to feel like you're not the only one whose life was destroyed by Mary Martin and Carol Channing, it's a must-read.

One rail to rule them all.

Why did we join this society? Well, because of this...



...and this...



...and this...



We urge you to do the same. Good evening.

Stars Are Just Like What You Look Like When You Read This Site!

Click Reese for all the hot pics!

Please, sir, can I have some help?

Hey, victims of last year's earthquake in Pakistan, Ben Kingsley has announced plans to raise money for you. BUT YOU BETTER FUCKING CALL HIM "SIR."

Shoulda picked "truth."

We're not going to tell you who in this photograph is in big trouble for alleged sexual harrassment because we're not like that. We will, however, give you two hints: leather dress.