Stick with Tab.

Two posts in one day!?!? What is this, December? Well, we found this over on the DL, and, well, er, um, uh, hmm, erm...

"The View" from here.

Ugh. So American Idol was passable last night. Except that how did a song from a James Bond flick and "As Long As He Needs Me" from Oliver! become part of the British Invasion oeuvre? That's like us singing "Dancing on the Ceiling" on Sheila E. night. Which we plan to do. Oh—we have Sheila E. night the fourth Thursday of every month. But everyone has to bring his own drum kit.

The point is, The View has unveiled its new spring '07 mug!



This Warhol-meets-UNO monsterpiece can be yours for a generously overpriced $15.95. If you order this week, you can pick up the mug and the new View tote for only a mildly overpriced $20.90. But don't fret! Once you check out, ground shipping is $7.95 which brings the total to a generously overpriced $28.85. PHEW! We just ordered ours—look for us carrying around our View mug collection in our new View tote at a park near you this summer.

ADDENDUM:
Sorry sorry sorry! We disparaged Idol as if nothing memorable happened. Obviously we forgot about Crying Ashley. We're searching for a pic, but we have yet to find one. If you didn't tune in, imagine a blubbering starstruck eight-year-old girl's teary face on your high-definition screen every two seconds. That's Crying Ashley. And it was doubly uncomfortable and awkward (read: totally entertaining) because it happened mostly during Sanjaya's Kinks number. O, gods of television, we owe you.

ADDENDUM ADDENDUM:
Ladies and gentlemens, Crying Ashley...

Fat ice.

We're totally repulsed by erotic fan fiction (no, we don't want to read about Frodo seducing Gandalf the Gray OR White), but when erotic fan fiction features Tonya Harding and is hosted by Tonya's official Web site, well, then, we're...um...totally repulsed.



(via I have a hate on)

Cover it up!

Here's something for the weekend:

There's going to be a musical of Mask. No, not The Mask. Mask. As in Cher, Sam Elliott and Eric Stoltz. By Brill Building songwriting team and composers of "You Lost That Loving Feeling," Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil. All directed by crapmaster supreme Richard Maltby Jr.

That is all.

America, America, this is you.

This is the first and will probably be the last time we post about it this season, but we really have to take a moment to give special recognition to this year's American Idol. Not since Pink Lady and Jeff has there been such a varietal CRAPFEST being beamed into the homes of millions of viewers. The sheer power of this season's dearth of anything resembling talent has caused us to wholly reconsider our viewing tendencies. Meaning, we so weren't interested in watching this time around, and now we so are. Sorry. We SUH are.

Obviously reason number one is this...



Boy, can this girl not sing! Or dance! Or just stand there! It's ALWAYS awkward. Which is why we voted for her about 10 times Tuesday night (and we don't call anyone anymore). We plan to see Miss Malakar through till the end. Or at least until she has to do a Gwen Stefani number. Wind it up, indeed!

Reason number two? This...

Oh, sorry. There would have been a photo of the entire group of finalists here, but FOX's American Idol Web site is perhaps the least user-friendly site not made by a 52-year-old man sitting in his underwear on a Tuesday at 3:27 p.m. while Judge Judy plays loudly in the background. So, we're not scouring that site for a pic (nor are we linking you to it—you're welcome!). We'll just say that the other remaining 10 are not much more talented than Sanjaya. And, yes, that includes Kiki and Doolittle. Sure, those two are better than the rest, but you could throw a Cheetoh off our roof and hit five more talented people than either of those two girls. And, yes, that does include the homeless man who sits in front of the Minetta Garage and with his legs hidden so we think he's just one of those torsos.

Reason three...



Oh, girl. If you're going to take a five-minute entrance during which your name is emblazoned on a giant LCD screen while your past hits are played and sung by a band and other singers, you BEST practice walking in those giant red platform heels you insisted on wearing. Oh, and also? Being able to sing would be good, too. Seriously, Miss Ross, we love you, but wethinks it's over. You kind of made Sanjaya look like a musical genius. Listen—it's totally FINE if you just make a quick entrance, say a few thank-yous and take a seat. We're TOTALLY with you. Truth is, Di, you've never been a great singer, so, you know, it's OK to rest on your laurels and just allow a new generation of mediocre talent to take the torch. And by "torch," we mean "distracting red boa."

The point is, we're not actually complaining. We completely approve of all this garbage that FOX is foisting upon us this spring. But we just had to point out that as long as it continues (and with 11 talentless individuals, how could it not?), we'll continue watching. Either you're very clever, FOX, or you're stupider than we ever imagined. Whatever it is, damn you. And congratulations.

Our Birdland debut.

Just so you know — and your children will someday know — tonight we will be performing at NYC's legendary Birdland as part of a show called Speakeasy. According to this article on Playbill.com, the show will feature the songs of John Lennon, Joni Mitchell, Rufus Wainwright and Stephin Merritt. That is 0% correct. Tonight's show will feature songs in the style of those people. Well, kind of. Well, not really.

ANYWAY, we're playing two of our original hits with the magnificent Michael Conley and a full band. So, you should totally come out if you have $35 and a desire to see Malan from Project Runway sing Charlie Chaplin's "Smile." No, as much as we'd like to be kidding, we're not.

Here's the info:
Birdland is located in Manhattan at 315 West 44th Street. There is a $25 cover charge and a $10 food/drink minimum. Call (212) 581-3080 for reservations.

Awesome.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

It's Friday. Which means if you're in Manhattan, your island turns into Universal CityWalk for 48 hours! Which is why we're pleased to bring you two activities you don't have to leave your tiny apartment for.

First, on BBC America tonight at 9pm, it's the premiere of Clatterford. It's really too much to try to talk about, so just go to the link. Seriously.

Second, thanks to our friend Frank, you can enjoy the recycled hits of late-80s Tampa public access queen Sondra Prill. No, apparently it's not a joke.

Between the many offerings of Ms. Prill and the many times you're sure to watch Clatterford, you should be occupied well into, oh, early Saturday morning. You're welcome!

Attitude adjustment.

We would just like you to know that tomorrow's View (3/9/07) is a must-see in our books for two reasons:

1.) It's completely about depression
2.) Guest host: Linda Dano

And, if the gods are smiling on us, the episode will culminate in Linda D. hawking her QVC crap as a prime method of retail therapy.

It looks good, guys. No. It looks great.

Until you cry.

Yes, yes. We're quite aware that no one really comes around here anymore. And, yes, it is sad. Well, sad for those of you who still do. Not because we think you're sad! No. Because this site's sad. Well, sadder than it was when it was just regular sad. With so much sadness in the world, here's something to give you some chuckles—one of our most favorite TV clips in the history of ever.