Bonanza!

Oh, Wednesday night, how we welcome you back with hungry, hungry arms.

1.) "America's Next Top Model" last night featured maybe the most uggers girls evah (complete with hunchback!), which is why it's going to be the best season evah. Except for the fact that Spontaniouse was spontaneously let go. Tyra, you had a contestant named Spontaniouse on your show—what were you thinking, girl??? Oh, and eliminating Marvita? Really? REALLY?

Anyhoots, we have a little more faith in the country now that clearly all the attractive girls have figured out what a career-non-maker ANTM is. Unless you're Jaslene. In which case you will eventually be employed by the National Association of the Deaf as its spokeswoman.

If this is the Future of Modeling®, we'll be present!



2.) "Kid Nation." Let's repeat. "Kid Nation." We've been excited for this show for weeks, but we had no idea how truly terrifying it would be! Like, at any moment, we were expecting that one 15-year-old Greg (clearly the one who showed up with the STDs) to just walk over and snap the neck of jittery council leader Mike.

Oh, and as hard as ANTM may have tried, "Kid Nation" featured the quote of the evening, uttered by the 10-year-old council leader Taylor:

"I don't do dishes. I'm a beauty queen."

Touché, Taylor. Tou-ché.

And it would be remiss if we didn't mention our favorite kid in the nation, Jared. According to his bio, Jared is both a fan of President Bush and the environment. Imagine that kind of internal struggle personified (and in a hat), and you'll have a good idea of what he's like.



3.) We just posted pics of Tyra in a silver shower cap and an 11-year-old boy in a mock turtleneck and straw hat in the same post. WE LOVE YOU, WEDNESDAYS!!!!!!!!!!

Say hi to Chuck.

Stubborn Sam is SO stubborn, even though the Grim Reaper told him in person, he refuses to believe dear old Brett Somers is ___________.

Rah! Rah! Sis boob bah!

Imagine our surprise when we turned on our DVR last night to find waiting for us the first episode of the second season of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team! Imagine your non-surprise when we insist this is the best reality show you have yet to watch. So, stop downloading porn, and go set your DVR to record the season. Now. NOW.

(Please note that, on the show's homepage, the judges are actually listed as "characters," which should give you some idea of what to expect.)



ADDENDUM: Our friend Joe asks why the show is so good. If we had any spare time right now, we'd write a five-paragraph essay. Instead we'll opt for three reasons: plastic surgery which prevents the director and choreographer from fully opening their mouths, the gauze lens which is always employed when shooting said choreographer and the prospect of another contestant having to do a book report (which actually happened last season). Oh, and the unforgiving uniforms. Four reasons. Oh, and improvised "dancing." Five. Southern hospitality passive aggressiveness. Six. Shimmery faces. Sev... Sorry. We have to go.