Ske**ton mou**s o*f.

This...



...no likey this...

The blonde in the empty theater.

Look what's coming to Broadway, avid theatergoers! She will be performing songs she's written, so it may be worth it for that. KIDDING! We'd rather Somersize on a bed of syphilitic nails than come within 100 yards of the Brooks Atkinson.

Now, if Jenilee Harrison did a show...

Sounds like...crap. Sounds like crap!

Either Chad Lowe is totally responsible for this, or Swank's deal with the devil is up.

Goodbye kitty.

We kind of love Wisconsin a little.

Spider Man 3: Web of Throwing Up a Little.

Ladies and gentlemen, your Spider Man 3 co-stars, with thanks to Britpoppa and the Superficial.

Glam Panderson.

This pic has been on Star's Web site for a few days, which, in gay, is about 47 years, but we had to post it here. It's Pam Anderson, and she's the new MAC AIDS Fund VIVA Glam spokesmodel. Star points out that Pam is an obviously glamorous choice, which is, perhaps, questionable until you realize that Star refers to AIDS as "Aids." We'd like to suggest changing the name of the magazine to Star Jones Reynolds.

Inga Marchand means bidness.

If Foxy Brown orders a mani/pedi, you besta not leave out the mani, bitch.

Infinitely inspired.

Eureka! That's what we said when we found the official site of Lydia Silvestry. Who's Lydia Silvestry? Well, Lydia Silvestry is just the creator of the most important item ever sold via infomercial. That's right, punks, it's the Infinite Dress!



Now, obviously we highly encourage you to visit her site to fully enjoy the captivating world of the Infinite Dress. We barely have room here to highlight our favorite styles...



For "Bad Hair Days."



An interesting version that uses a neck ring.



And this one, which falls under "Feeling Daring?" and "Amplify Your Bosom," which we kind of feel is cheating as the thing is called the Infinite Dress. But who are we to argue with Lydia Silvestry? No one, that's who.

The dress is made of an acetate/lycra blend. jersey knitt, and weighs only 10.25 ounces per yard. The dress comes in red, black and gold and the Infinite Pantsuit (our head almost exploded) comes in black and gold. No red, ladies. Sorry. However, the gold models are about $400 more than the red or black ones, which leads us to believe they're made of actual gold. So, if you're allergic to gold or a chainmail knit irritates your skin, opt for the red or black, at $149 for the dress or $199 for the pantsuit. Neck ring sold separately.

If you order, which we encourage you to do and send us pictures, don't pass up the free scarf offer. It's not specified, but we have to believe it's an Infinite Scarf.

Jenileestayswithus.

Mourning Debralee got us thinking about another elided -lee, Jenilee Harrison (actually, we think about her at least once a week, but this time we had outside inspiration).



Jenilee Harrison was Suzanne Somers's replacement on "Three's Company," where she played Cindy Snow from 1980 to 1982. Then, as far as we're concerned, she and her drugly, raccoon eyes and coked-out body hosted an infomercial for the marvelous Infinite Dress, a 300-outfits-in-one type of thing. Because we're kind, we'd like to share our Jenilee enthusiasm with you with a few Interweb tidbits:

•Here's Awful Plastic Surgery's Jenilee Harrison entry, documenting the decline of her pretty face, though somehow avoiding showing how truly scary she has managed to look on her infomercials.

•Here's where you can buy the Ultimate Chopper, another invention she has lent the eminently valuable "Jenilee Harrison" brand to.

•Here's Jenilee's biography from the "Three's Company" Fan Network.

Yes, we know there's nothing much here at all, but we wanted an excuse to write about the Infinite Dress, K?

Debraleepasseson.

Debralee Scott, star of "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman," at least two Police Academy movies and, of course, "Match Game," has died at age 52. Her death was so surprising that Mr. Wigglesby spit his blank at his wife.

Prizzom 2.

Oh, you people. The first series of these pics were so popular that it would be an outrage, nay, a crime, if we did not post some more. So, due to popular demand, more prom pics...

Withering heights.

During our intense research into Alfonso Ribeiro's career, we happened upon this site that will tell you most any celebrity's height. We learned that Alfonso Ribeiro is 5 feet, 7 inches tall; dreamy Clive Owen is 6 feet, 2 inches tall; and Madonna can fit in our palm.

The tap dance adult.

Yo, yo, yo, it's Alfonso Ribeiro! The description of the pic says it was taken in South Beach, so we'll just play along and pretend it wasn't snapped at feeding time in a temperate cave.

Tea and Hilary.

What does a rectangle look like in a doily? This.

Oneida per person.

Bet you don't know the history of these fine items...



Two words: sex cult. Thanks, Sarah Vowell!

Not-so-great Scott.

Good morning. Over the weekend, we spent a few seconds wondering just what the hell Scott Savol was still doing on "American Idol." He's not talented, AND he beats women up. Yet, last week, Nikko Smith was given the boot, leaving us to have to fast-forward through at least another two Savol-infused episodes. The NB's good friend Christine explained his appeal in a single satisfying sentence: "People like him because they think he's retarded."



On the Savol tip, we found this article from Savol's hometown newspaper, the Plain Dealer (not to be confused with the Fancy User). In it, writer Julie E. Washington attempts to figure out just how Savol, who's fully Caucasian, manages to sound so damn awful black. According to friends, "The Cleveland native has always loved R&B and gospel, and he has always hung around black people."

Too pooped to scoop.

The NB is calling it a day, ladies.

Have a terrific weekend, and please enjoy this picture of magician-cum-cult member, Doug Henning.

Yes, but is it cypress?

Here's a sampling of how the media has described the Pope's unadorned wooden death box:

MSNBC = "plain cypress coffin"
CNN = "simple cypress casket"
FOX News = "plain cypress coffin"
New York Times = "simple wooden coffin," "plain cypress coffin"
Los Angeles Times = "simple cypress coffin"
The Guardian = "simple wooden coffin"
Chicago Sun-Times = "plain cypress coffin"
Chicago Tribune = "simple cedar coffin" (ed. note: ouch)
New York Daily News = "plain cypress coffin"
New York Post = "plain cypress coffin"
Washington Post = "simple wooden casket"
NPR = "simple wooden coffin"
Reuters UK = "plain cypress coffin"
Newsday = "simple cypress wood casket"
Contra Costa Times = "simple cypress casket"
Dallas Morning News = "simple wooden coffin"
Sydney Morning Herald = "cypress wood casket"
BBC News = "simple coffin of cypress wood"
NEWS.com.au = "simple coffin made of cypress wood"
AsiaNews.it = "simple cypress wood casket"
The Belfast Telegraph = "simple coffin of plain Cyprus wood"

Fantasia on life.

"American Idol"'s season 3 winner and Whitney Houston-in-training Fantasia (née Fantasia Barrino—you don't think we forgot your whole name, girlfriend) is going to be writing her memoirs. Puzzlingly titled Life Is Not a Fairy Tale, the book apparently will chronicle how Barrino went from high-school dropout mom to international singing sensation performer, in case you didn't SEE IT ON TV. If the book clears up just what the hell she was wearing and talking about on this past Wednesday's elimination show, we won't feel completely bad about the trees that will lose their lives for this spectacular sleep aid.

Uglier than Venus, less funny than Serena.

Please make it stop.

Uncle Jesse calls for backup.

Peabody and Pulitzer Prize-winning journal, Star magazine, reports that John Stamos asked the Olsenae to guest on his non-hit show, "Jake in Progress." Both Mary-Kate and Ashley said no.

HOW WUDE!

Indian Idol.

Thanks to our friend and loyal readeress, Ginger, we have been made aware of what's sure to be the greatest reality show ever...



And, no, it had nothing to do with a Seminole singing better than a Chickasaw-Cherokee (that would be "Native American Idol." Duh.). "Indian Idol" featured conestants named Abhijeet, Ravindra, Amit and Amit. Abhijeet won, and his debut record, Aapka Abhijeet Sawant, was released yesterday.

Here are some highlights of the "Indian Idol" Web site:

A poll:


We totally are torn between "Romantic" and "James Bond," so we didn't vote.

Tons of photos and videos, though the videos won't work for us, probably because we are slaves to Steve Jobs. This photo makes "American Idol"'s medleys look positively funereal.


And a "Best Hair" contest. And all of this is peppered with phrases like "AAPKA ABHIJEET AAP KE LIYA MOHABBATEIN LUTAYEGA " and "X factor works its jadoo." All we get on "American Idol" is an abusive fatty and Paula Abdul clapping like a fucking retarded seal.

And and and, if you think we mock the "Indian Idol," you have another think coming, friends. Farah Kahn is one of the "Indian Idol" judges, and we knew who she was without having to read her bio. And we have been known to purchase Bollywood films like Jewel Thief and Devdas from Eros Entertainment. We recommend you do the same.

However, if there were "Native American Idol," we'd totally mock it.

Location, location, location!

We knew about this site, but Sarah Vowell's new book, Assassination Vacation (yes, we sometimes read, but we obviously didn't pay retail for it), reminded us of it. It's Find a Grave, and with it, you can locate the resting place of any celeb you might want to pay some respects to. As well, Vowell reminds us that if parts of the corpse in question were buried in more than one place, Find a Grave helpfully points to all their final resting locations.

(Oh, Sarah, we actually do go to Hooters for the food. The wings are pretty good. But we are gay and hungry, so perhaps you'll excuse us.)

Will power.

The Pope's will was just read, and the bitch didn't leave the NB anything. So what if we sicced our attack bird on him a few months ago—the NB certainly assists with making gay people ashamed to be gay. Doesn't that count for something? Vatican? Catholics? Singles? Anyone?

Filming with Gwyneths.

Here's a picture, via Just Jared, of Gwyneth Paltrow, Evan Rachel Wood and Jill Clayburgh shooting a scene for the upcoming screen adaptation of Augusten Burroughs's Running with Scissors, once starring Julianne Moore, now starring Annette Bening. We are terribly excited.

They come on top of the yachts. Agh.

Our hilarious and oftentimes drunk good friend, Nancy Witter, is one of seven finalists for Nick at Night's America's Funniest Mom contest. Tonight is the taping of the finals, and we want to wish her the best of luck. America, if you know what's good for you, she will be your Funniest Mom if only so we all can see her sure-to-be-insane at-home segment taped two weeks ago. For the love of god, video footage surely as priceless as that should not be unavailable to the public.

As well, she'll be doing an encore presentation of her fantastic show, "Dignity Check, Please!" on April 22. If you're in the NYC, and you think loud woman who kind of looks like the picture below would amuse you, by all means, come see her.

My first poem.

USA Today

Runs daily haiku contest

Its readers can count?

Western gay.

Here's something in Portuguese about Ang Lee's upcoming Bareback Brokeback Mountain. It links to something in English about the film possibly not premiering at Cannes, but the Portuguese is so much sexier. Also, it's impossible to understand which means we don't have to read it. Yayõ!

Hot keys.

Imagine our relief when we finally discovered what we want to be when we grow up. Unfortunately the site is pretty dead. Fortunately, this is not. Eat your heart out, Jo Ann Castle!

New York Town.

Coming in 2006, Queens begins its transformation into a suburb leading up to a full-on love affair with Home Depot, Sally's Beauty Supply and Bennigan's just in time for the 2012 Olympics. Fortunately, the NB will be broadcasting from a remote island in the South Pacific by that time. Enjoy your Cinnabons, suckers!

Chlo my god.

Usually we just leave Go Fug Yourself to its own devices. They do a wonderful job of pointing out celebrities at their worst without our meager help. However, this picture of Chloe Sevigny is obviously worth disseminating. Love the sandals, girl!

Prizzom.

Courtesy of the lovely Bennett, here are some prom photos for your enjoyment, yo.

Shock-king.

During our weekend of Malaysian liposuction, we were forced to watch un-DVR-ed television, which means we couldn't fast-forward through commercials, which means we were subjected to the completely horrifying Burger King king...



Um what's the deal with this? Fortunately, we're not the only ones having royal nightmares.

Trumpshaker.

This...

...has been picked to portray Donald Trump in an upcoming TV movie called Ambition. We don't know why we posted this. Enjoy!

Speaking of charcoal drawings...

ABC's TLC 4 J.J.

ABC renews "Desperate Housewives," "Lost," "Boston Legal" and "Alias." Duh. Those shows have helped bring ABC back from the...wait..."Alias"??? "Alias"??? Apparently ratings are somehow up for this show, which has, in two seasons, gone from a completely enthralling and thrilling spy serial to late-era "Felicity" with prostheses. Please, ABC, for the love of everything good, KILL IT! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE! IF ONLY TO PREVENT MORE CHARCOAL DRAWINGS OF MARSHALL! WAIT! WHAT? ARGHRGHGRHGRHRHRHHHHHHHHH........

Delta Burke talks with her mouth full.

One of New York Press' 50 most-loathed New Yorkers, New York Times food critic Frank Bruni, eats lunch with Delta Burke and talks to her about how fat she is.

Grace Jones = still crazy after all these years.

You better pull on up to the ticket upgrade, l'oignon!

Jesse Metcalfe yearns to be more closeted.

According to Contact Music, "Desperate Housewives"' Jesse Metcalfe would like to be more like Tom Cruise.



(Shameless photo to attract the gays)

A little cheering up for when life's not the French Riviera.

American Idol goes completely gay.

It's Broadway musical night on "American Idol" this evening. We're hoping the girl-eating beating fatty does an Edna Turnblad number from Hairspray. He's going to be voted off tomorrow, anyway, so, really, he should make the most of it. For us.

Awwww.

Aw. AWWWWWWWWWWW.

Popescards from the edge.

THE POPE DIED??? Shit. Now they're going to have to Photoshop Hemingway's face into this postcard. And probably it'll be weeks before we get a Schiavo postcard, no? You can't tell us female discrimination is something of the past.

That's some box!!!

IF YOU ARE NOT AN HONEST EBAYER, DON'T EVEN THINK OF BIDDING ON THIS TIDBIT OF CRAZY!!!

It's a Tye!

Thanks to the lovely World of Wonder, we have contact with Debbie Tye, Showbiz Mom of recently crowned Little Miss Citrus, Emily.

Hating reality.

The Federlines are going to have their own reality show comprised of self-shot video. It will set the record straight regarding their courtship and eventual marriage. Being that UPN will air it, we're assuming they wooed each other in blackface. Can't wait!

On the reality TV tip, MSNBC is kind enough to make us aware of the top 10 underrated reality shows. It's about fucking time.

All wet.

Word on the street is that this "Desperate Housewives" shoot featured fighting, cursing, clawzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................. oh, sorry, we fell asleep.

Baby not back.

The NB is healing, but we haven't fully recovered yet, so please bear with us. However, we do have a photo of our new self. The Malaysian children's hospital at which we got our operation threw in the tattoos and Clip Art for free! Isn't that awesome? We love you, Dr. Ng Gak Pgr.



We plan to return soon, though we're dying to return to KL for some more ink. Stay tuned...