Top Models hit bottom.

On tonight's "America's Next Top Model" one candidate gets devastating news from home! We're dying to know who!



Oh. Thanks.

In addition, here's a post-Tyrade interview with victim, Tiffany Richardson. Girl, we still want you to win.

George Lucas lets Jake Lloyd out of his cage.

A now 16-year-old Jake Lloyd talks, for the first time, about what it was like to be one of the many factors that ruined Star Wars forever.



In the 2006 made-for-TV-movie, My Short Career As a Skywalker, we cast Shane Klingensmith to play the 16-year-old Lloyd. Dakota Fanning will play Phantom Menace-era Lloyd, and, obviously, Hayden Christensen will play the eventual strung-out, alcoholic, suicidal Lloyd, in a segment that will basically just follow Christensen around in his soon-to-be daily life.

Maybe Corey Haim ate your baby.

Here's what child star and drug user Corey Haim looks like now:



Here's an interview, with video, about how clean, sober and fat he is. If you can access the video, let us know if he explodes, as our Mac will not allow us to view it. Single, oily tear.

Idol torture.

Well, "American Idol" is getting to the point where it's so unbearable, we are now rooting for Scott Savol just because he's so...special. Apparently Paula and Randy took Ecstasy before judging last night because most of what transpired impressed them, including Carrie Underwood's longest note ever, which also happened to be the flattest note ever. Anyway, while we speed dial Scott Savol's number, enjoy some fantastic screenshots from last night's episode.

Hello, gorgos! Gorgeous! I meant gorgeous!

The Meet the Fockers DVD has over 65 bloopers on it!!! 65!!! They should have called it Meet the Hilarity!!!

Yahoo ain't kiddin'.

Mein popen.

We were rooting for Pope Sean John I, so we're kind of pissed. Time to stir the shit.

Advice for Taylor Dayne.

VH1 will give '80s pop non-sensation Taylor Dayne a career makeover on this Thursday's episode of "Remaking." Dayne will receive advice from producers, choreographers, personal trainers and more about how to add some existence to her non-existent career. This was completely inconsequential to us until we got to this wonderful quote from Dayne herself: "I know my voice touches people. It has for years. I can't give that up." Tell it to our heart, Taylor, because, sometimes, it's not the voice that gives up, it's the people.

HoJo no mo'.

The Times Square Howard Johnson's restaurant, one of only nine remaining Howard Johnson's restaurants and the last remaining bit of non-Disney-fied Times Square, will be torn down sometime this year. In lieu of chocolate chip pancakes and a still-secret happy hour will be an Olympic stadium. We assume.

Start buying "Stop Snitching"

The NB is loath to report on anything remotely having to do with sports. That said, Denver Nuggets star and Olympic bronze-medalist Carmelo Anthony is currently appearing in a local Baltimore-produced DVD called Stop Snitching. This DVD was made by Skinny Suge and features Baltimore's finest drug dealers talkin' and rappin' and shootin' about how they not down wit arrested dealers who, once in police custody, snitch on other dealers. Obviously, we want this DVD stat (Netflix doesn't have it!), so if any of you have $20 that you haven't given to your non-snitching dealer, buy us a gift, K? The NB is a government-subsidized agency and cannot spend its own money on such items, however completely insane they may be.

Why is this gorilla different from all other gorillas?

Clay Aiken reveals astonishing secret!

If you're looking for a reason to stick forks in your eyes today, turn on Dr. Phil to enjoy Clay Aiken and him discussing school bully abuse, of which Aiken says he was a constant victim.

If, after you've gouged your eyes out, you're still aching for some respite, why not print out this Clay Aiken paper doll and tear it up into small pieces and eat it? Thanks, Gail!

Is it pope yet?

Respecting the very serious nature of selecting a new pope, MSNBC brings you Smoke Cam.

Fire Help Me Up.

In case you haven't felt old yet today, 15 years ago this week, Laura Palmer's plastic-wrapped corpse was found by Pete Martell in a little town called Twin Peaks. That's right. 15 years ago.

It's not about the ending, it's about the journey.

Jim Jones: (with fervor) We shall all now drink the healing juice!

Followers: Yes, Reverend!

("Followers" proceed to drink red liquid—could be Kool-Aid, does not have to be—distributed from vat. They die. Blackout.)

Hold me closer...

...tiny scanner.

Jesus, Mary and Jørgën.

Introducing the Messengers of Faith! 12"-tall figures of Jesus, Mary, David and, the old classic, Moses! Right now, they are only available for pre-order, but you can visit the site and click on each figure's head to hear him or her speak. David says something about finding comfort in the Lord's rod and staff. Hot.



Of course, our one caveat with these figures is that, if you're going create toy representations of people who supposedly lived in the Middle East, is it possible, maybe, not to make them Caucasian, as no Caucasians are or ever were indigeneous to the Middle East? The NB strongly discourages any parent or guardian from teaching anything biblical to any child, but, if such stuff must be passed on, we highly support the inclusion of some actual geographical, ethnological information. Jesus, if he existed, which he might have as merely an eccentric carpenter, would have been dark-skinned. He would not have been Happy Meal-toy orange with dreamy blue eyes. For the love of god.

Zis is a French Stewart.

Zap2it.com reports that French Stewart has been hired to star in a sitcom pilot on the WB and opposite Jane Leeves. Our favorite part of the article? That's easy. Stewart will play the main character's best friend who, according to The Hollywood Reporter, is a flamboyant metrosexual. Other credits for Stewart include "Inspector Gadget 2" and "Love Stinks." Not every actor in pilot season can be as big a star as French Stewart, though. Shows need to cast up-and-coming talent, the French Stewarts of tomorrow.

Dear whomever wrote this article. Please marry us. We love you.

You're gay!

We adoure The Streets.

Cybill service.

This...



...is finally explained.

No way to B positive.

If you're a Korean male with type B blood, prepare for a life of utter loneliness.

Weekends are for lovers.

A good weekend to you, dear readers (studies tell us we definitely have more than one). Why not go out and bask in the beautiful spring weather? We will see you bright and semi-early on Monday. Unless we are sniped.

Enjoy!

Bushed.

This pic has been posted on a few blogs already, but it's suh good. Here is the Bush family at a baseball game (wait - the president's not working???). Pay special attention to the upper right-hand corner...



Let's take a close look at that...



The accompanying AP caption describes this as "daughter Jenna Bush, top right, leaning her head on the shoulders of an unidentifiable male friend."

There are two problems with the above AP quote. The first one is that the male is "unidentified," not "unidentifiable." Most assuredly the male was given a name by his parents and is, therefore, identifiable. You, AP, did not research that name so you mislabled him "unidentifiable" in order to deflect journalistic laziness. Tyra Banks and we expect better from you.

Secondly, "leaning her head"??? Uh... we suppose that's one way to put it when "alcoholic daughter Jenna Bush, top right, drunkenly collapses on possible stranger" isn't appropriate. But really, AP, would it kill you to print the truth about any Bush ever? One day you're going to find yourself next to dear Jenna at a pro-life fundraiser, and she's going to "lean over" and vomit on your new Crockett & Jones loafers. And you're going to look back on this day and wish you had yelled out across the land, "If we don't help her, who will?" And we will smugly sip our fetus-tini and say we told you so.

We who are about to die vote for "skydiving"! No, "Taj Mahal"! "Taj Mahal"!

Complying with the US government's "Let's Keep Everyone Scared All the Time!" program, the Today show, via MSNBC, has a poll of things to do before you die, featuring this slick, helpful graphic...



Some of the things to vote on before you die before doing the things you want to do before you die are...

"Learn to dance,"
"Learn to be a cowboy,"
and the hilarious
"Eat a cheeseburger in paradise."

As we've done most of the listed items (barring "Say a special thank you"), here are some NB-specific additions to the list of things to do before we die by being shot in the head by a sniper in Jersey City.

•Sleep through the night
•Not eat like a monster at some point in any given 24-hour period of time
•Ask our therapist to repeat the last thing we said
•Buy something that's not on sale
•Realize that an airplane is a place to relinquish control and relax, rather than something liable to burst into flames and fall from the sky at any moment
•Voluntarily hug someone
•Not end up as the foreperson on a six-member jury
•Quit our job KIDDING!
•Admit that the strike-through code isn't as totally and completely funny as we think it is

Didn't he watch 'Gimme a Break'?

Blackface = still not funny.

Dolly Parton alert!

Country superstar, true American idol and doer of no wrong, Dolly Parton, will appear on tonight's episode of something called "Reba." This "Reba" is on at 9pm on something called the UPN. Hopefully, the DVR can sort this all out...

That's 15 grizzlegrumps to you, Sniddleypops!

Happy birthday, Hermione!

Russell's crowing stung.

Australian crazy Russell Crowe is releasing a new solo single called "Raewyn" and has posted letters from Billy Bragg and Sting praising the song on his Web site, the UK Mirror writes.



Sting's email says: "You're a very enigmatic man, Mr. Crowe. Your song is a royal gift to (son) Charlie - beautiful photographic images, a surprisingly tender voice and I'm touched you would send it to me. Will it get on the radio? Not a chance, mate. The days of the confessional, biographical song are over and not even you, Mr Crowe, can bring them back."

The NB does not support the careers of either of these artists but does completely endorse celebrity cat-fighting. Come on, Crowe, you're not gonna just sit there like and take it like the gay character you played in The Sum of Us, are you? You're an Oscar-winning gladiator. Let's go!

Nadia returner.

The Miami Herald reports that recently ousted "American Idol" will be back for the season finale, just like how every ousted Idol has returned for his or her series finale. However, the article did manage to include some news. Imagine our shock when we read that Turner will appear on the two-part finale of the show's fourth season. Two part??? We like the medleys and the Ford commercials plenty, but you're killing us, FOX. Keeeeling us.

Modest prom.

The recent posting of certain prom pictures got us in a prommy mood. This article reports on what could be the direct antithesis of the prizzom, the "modest" prom, "where young women wear dresses that cover their shoulders and backs. Where dance cards encourage students to mix rather than couple. One where partners slow dance at a respectable distance. Where the lights aren't so low that students can see who's standing in front of them."

If you don't have a mother who can "add extra fabric at the shoulders to create sleeves to what had been a beaded bandeau top with spaghetti straps," why not try this site, Totally Modest? There are five pages of totally modest totally taffeta, tulle or satin prom dresses. Look how much fun these girls are having in their totally terrific dresses...



...why, it's so exciting that the girl in the darker pink's head is turning completely around!

But, wait! What is this lurking on the last page of the totally modest dresses, waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting beaded dark blue chiffon? Oh yeah, it's the Totally Modest prizzom dress. You go, girl. Do yo thang! Work it! Uh-huh. Yeeah.

Janice Nipinson.

As we're having trouble getting to the Daily Celeb batch of Janice Dickinson nip-slip pics, here's a Getty Images image. Please don't look directly at it.

Li'l Federlines.

The doomed child is a girl.

How it will end.

Because every generation likes to believe the world will end during its earthly tenure, the UK Guardian has asked 10 scientists to name the biggest threat to earth and the chance of it actually happening. Not only is "Robots taking over" one of the 10 threats, but the chance of your robot bartender going from making gimlets to making demands is an 8 out of 10. So, basically, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gayest pic ever of the day.

Via Jared, who always has the best gayest or non-gayest pics of the day.

"Wilmer Valderrama" is the new "John Doe."

Nicely Nicely who?

From Contact Music:

Scottish superstar EWAN McGREGOR is putting partying on hold to rest his voice for forthcoming London stage show GUY AND DOLLS.

Reality TV, cruel mistress.

How is it physically possible that we fast-forwarded through TWO reality shows last night and THREE people were eliminated? Because not only did Tyra throw a fit on "America's Next Top Model," she also pulled a Probst and sent not one, but two girls packing at the end. The final photo, which is typically a picture of the girl who gets to stay, last night looked like this...



So sneaky! (We're guessing also that the person at UPN who miscalculated when sweeps are was kicked to the curb, too.) However, we saw no reason whatsoever to get rid of ghetto superstar Tiffany. So what if she couldn't speak Cockney and was having second thoughts about the competition. You could have had your black mama yelling scene before elimination, Tyra, and then sent the girl with the scary eyes or the compact face home. We loved the Tiff. How dare you, Tyra. HOW DARE YOU!



In other news, the only talented contestant was eliminated from "American Idol." Nadia Turner, we believed in you from the beginning. How dare you, America. HOW DARE YOU!

Katie Holmes cheats embarrassment, death.

Defamer brought actor Chris Klein's mug shot for his DUI arrest to our attention. The Smoking Gun brought it to everyone else's, as it seemed no one noticed when this happened two months ago. It's kind of hot, no? In a Tina Fey-ish, lazy eye kind of way? Wait, who is this?

Kathleen Turner uses the drunk-to-English dictionary.

Page Six ran this fantastic story this morning, detailing Kathleen Turner's shaky behavior at a recent gala honoring Les Moonves. Our favorite part is obviously where one witness recounts how Turner nearly licked the face of her co-host.



Because we're a responsible news outlet, we wanted to make sure that the present-day bloated, slurring Turner wasn't abusing alcohol, and lo-and-behold, look what we found! This article, entitled "Kathleen Turner Battles Arthritis." Well, obviously it's the steroids used to treat rheumatoid arthritis that have brought Turner to her recent condition. Of course it is! We knew that all along. We even got into a big fight with our friend who used to work at the Times Square restaurant Blue Fin and told us that after performing in The Graduate on Broadway every night, Turner would come in with a group of people, sit down and quickly abandon them for a dark place by the kitchen where she'd hurredly down vodka drinks before returning to her "unsuspecting" table. We knew that was such a lie. Clearly Kathleen Turner is not drunk. Never has been, never will be!

Lluvy on llosing.

Here's an interview with Lluvy Gomez, the girl responsible for the worst picture ever in the history of "America's Next Top Model," according to the girl responsible for "American's Next Top Model," Tyra Banks. Were we sad to see Lluvy go last week? If we answered that, that would mean we watch the show, and we could never admit that.

Yes, we were a little sad.



Don't forget about tonight's episode, in which Miss Tyra goes ape-shit and screams at some poor fool. We're hoping it's Nole Marin's dog, Empress Mimi.

"Hit Me Baby, One More Time" one more time.

Yes, fine, ironic acoustic covers of hit pop songs are so passé. But we still enjoy them, especially when packed with ironic we-are-so-fucking-into-it harmonies. Danke, goldenfiddle!

Lost numbers.

The "Lost" season finale will not be two hours long, as previously reported. It will be THREE HOURS LONG!!! Actually, the first hour will air on May 18 and the second two hours will air on May 25. So, it's kind of like the "Lost" season finale will be two hours long. It's so confusing, JUST LIKE THE ISLAND!

RuPaul Shalit.

From RuPaul's blog:

i saw THE UPSIDE OF ANGER sunday night. it was really good. it was also the first time i've ever liked KEVIN COSNER... actually, i fell in love with him. he's really sexy in it... a real hot daddy. JOAN ALLEN will get the OSCAR for her part. i wish the movie theater was equipped with earphone jacks, so i could cancel out the noise that the guy in the corner was making with his sinuses.

Oh no she din't!

Time to get dress.

May the best gay win.

That's Indian-tainment!

Our good friend and longtime reader, Nato, sent us this link. We have no context. We don't know what it is. We don't know where it came from. We were going to ask but decided not to. We've had enough fun spoiled in our life.

Click below to be totally entertained.

Is that a fat head in your pocket...

During our immense research for Joan Rivers impersonator pictures, we happened upon what we can only describe as the most horrifying party enhancer ever imagined...

Celebrity Fat Heads!



Now, we grew up in South Florida, which meant during our illustrious 7th-grade year, there weren't enough Saturdays for all the bar mitzvahs we went to. We were subjected to dancing aliens, cocktail-hour game shows, airborne "Hot, Hot, Hot" leis, but never, EVER to something as disturbing as this...



By the way, that's not Loni Anderson. It's Dolly Parton.

Anyhoot, we perused the list of over 60 heads available, and, when we have our gay wedding in Canada or Vermont or wherever it's legal today, please don't be surprised if you see fat-headed Ed Koch yuckin' it up with fat-headed Larry Hagman over cocktails whilst fat-headed Gorbachev ogles fat-headed Don Johnson.

Oh, in the first picture, is the maid a fat-head celebrity maid? We honestly can't tell.

Rivers belong where they can ramble.

During our immense research for pictures of Joan Rivers for our last post, we happened upon millions and millions of pictures of Joan Rivers impersonators. Really, what's better than a Joan Rivers impersonator? We'll tell you! Pictures of a Joan Rivers impersonator! CAN WE TAWK? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH. MISSY!