Fun avec France.

On the 352nd night of riots en France, newspapers begin to have a soupçon of fun with les deaths and destructions:

The New York Post asks...



...while the San Francisco Chronicle states...



...Pat Buchanan, in Human Events, goes obvious and a little gay with...



...while American Nation does a fine Judith Krantz impression...



...and Australia's ABC News apparently translates directly from the French with...



...and, finally, 1981's all "Watch All Nell Break Loose in Gimme a Break."

Haaaaay!

Mornin', sugars!

Madonna's new cd.

This is shameless pandering to the gays: here's the Torrent for the new Madonna cd. Enjoy. Don't ask us how it is because we haven't downloaded it. A) We'd NEVER download free music and B) We'd never download anything by Madonna. Unless it were an orchestral version of "Dear Jessie." But it would have to smell like patchouli. Shut up.

The happiest hour.

Good night, alcoholic bitches!

Daddy doo.

All right. Because we've gotten 0 emails asking for it, here it is: the Kevin Federline rap snippet that's probably been on every site in the universe but because we like how he namechecks himself and lets us know that "K-Fed" is pronounced "kay-fay-ed, we're posting it here, too (you may need a username and password to access the file, which we HIGHLY recommend you do not create). Got a problem with that, Pavarattis? 'Cause it's all straight 2008 style here.

Model models.

We meant to post this earlier, but, much like what a model would have done, we forgot. It's a New York Times piece about how the contestants on "America's Next Top Model" would in no way ever become America's next top model if they weren't on a reality TV show. Guy Trebay, the author of the article, says that the "Top Model" girls are all too old and fat to ever become supermodels in America. To support his point, he goes on to name the current reigning supermodels, a bunch of girls no one's ever heard of.

Oh, and because we forgot again, here's fourfour's summary, complete with one of the most hi-larious soundbytes ever, of the ANTM clip show from last week.

S.W.A.T.

Please send crying rumors to

Jen Aniston
c/o Down but Still Cute as a Button, Inc.
2443 Wiltshire Blvd.
Santa Monica, CA 90403

Thanks! Love, Jen

Box living.

If you live in the smallest apartment in NYC and love the surprise visits by the famous lesbians, sign up. And if you win, please thank us on air, after you get done dancing and before you figure out how to explain why you don't have 13 cats. And, no, we're not entering because we absolutely, totally, unequivocally hate lesbians, especially famous ones.*



*It's not true. We adore them. We're not entering because our apartment is huge. HUGE. There's a couch AND a bed, thank you.

Tussaud or not Tussaud.

There are no words. Or there are, but they only exist in German.

Prussian blues.

So when we wrote about the singing Nazi twins a few weeks ago, we followed up with a series called "Just White, Just Right," wherein we asked acquaintances of the Prussian Blue girls, Lynx and Lamb Gaede, to write in describing any experiences they may have had with the girls. Well, this post has been linked by the Prussian Blue blog, and some of that blog's readers are positing that the letter from young Sarah Flannel is fake! Would a site that's titled some of its posts "Dirty whoreicane" and "Filthy sluticane" make up information just for kicks? Not likely. Sarah Flannel is a real person with real views and real fears. If she wants to write in to tell us that she feels like throwing bottles at Lynx and Lamb, she has the right to. Just as Lynx and Lamb have the right to make up shitty folk songs about Josef Mengele. But the idea that we would lie to our readers?! How very insulting, indeed. We do enjoy the publicity, though. How else would we get a comment like "They'll die early, i hope that they burn in hell and then someone can put fire and alcohol over them.."?

Miss McCrazy.

We're so proud when a site like this gets about 200 comments per post, and we get about 0 unless we write about Anthony Federov being gay or little twin Nazi singers. We're not lying—we're honestly very proud. But couldn't she have come up with a first name, for god's sake? It's not like it's Mr. McDonald. Unless it is on whatever planet this woman's from. Seems like it's one of the Asian ones. It's cool.

Gentlemen, start your Photoshops.

OK, gays, here are some crappy screencaps of Jakey G. from Jarhead. Well, it's something—now you don't have to sit through the whole crappy DVD you bought in Chinatown for $5. Pervert.

The simplest, saddest good news of the day.

Don't you...forget...about...us.

Sporty spiced.

Good morning! Yes, it's true that we don't really like the sports. However, we do like the cheerleaders, especially the drunk, lying, angry, lesbian kind. And coaches. Especially the pedophiliac, arm wrestling, math teacher, lesbian kind.

Nice work, ladies. And Tampa. Nice work, Tampa, too.

カメラマン注意しろよｗｗｗ！！

Have a good weekend! GONG!

Honey, the neighbors are at it again.

Well, how would you feel if this were going on next door?*



*Yeah, us, too. Obviously he should keep the goats.

Dur Dur D'être Teen-ager.

OK, fuckers, we've reached the point of total desperation: we're going to start referencing ourselves now. Remember a while back we did a Bastille Day post about Jordy, the French baby who had a huge hit with his song "Dur Dur D'être Bébé" and continued to "record" songs until the French government accused his parents of exploiting him and banned him from radio and TV (we love France!)? Well, being that Jordy was born in 1988, he's no longer a baby. We figured you were probably wondering what happened to the tiny superstar, so we found this site. It seems to be a bit old, as Jordy's age is give as 16, but, really, what really changes in a year? We're assuming he still lives in a farm in Caen and that he enjoys judo and dancing. And that he's really, really gay.



Also, here's Jordy's astrology chart. YOU'RE WELCOME.

And, fine, here're the mp3s of his entire baby record again. It's Friday, people. Time to put this shit on on the office sound system, crack open a few Bartles & Jaymeses and DANCE.

Crazy, indeed.

Back on the bridge, people!

Reubens squared.

Get off the Golden Gate Bridge now, people. There are two reasons to live!

You're killing us.

Yes, folks, it seems like we're slacking. We know. The truth is, we really are trying to find crap to post—there just isn't that much out there today.

We did find this, though. It's totally morbid, but we're intrigued by both bridges and suicide, so when they join forces, we go bananas! It's a graph of the locations of the Golden Gate Bridge suicides. On average, someone jumps off the Golden Gate every two weeks, and now you can see which locations are the most popular! It seems most of them occur at the middle of the bridge and facing the Bay City area. So, if you're considering a Golden Gate suicide, maybe face the Pacific and mix it up a little. We're kidding! Don't kill yourself. Life is so much more Golden. Or, at least, International Orange.

We've stared terror directly in the face...

...so that's all you're getting from us today. We need a good 12–16 hours to recover. We're sure you understand because now you probably do, too.

Flashing light reveals the horror of living with an unrehabilitated drug user, or Just 'cause you look like a chimp doesn't mean you can touch my ass.

In related news...

From MSNBC.com:

Alas, poor us.

S'ohw ereht? Erom yttihs eraepsekahS.

Model endorsement.

Because of the lack of anything better to post about, and because there's still not a new episode of "Lost" on tonight, we'll just say that the NB enthusiastically endorses Lisa to win this cycle (you've done it, Tyra—we called it a "cycle" on our first try. Congrats!) of "America's Next Top Model." We relate most to Lisa, in that she's kind of kooky, kind of bitter and kind of drunk.

Plus...

We enjoy her love of bubble bathing.



We know what it feels like not to have breasts.



We, like Lisa, ADORE be-feathered headbands.



We exude confidence, even when we're down.



Yet, we're a bit vulnerable.



And we're a bit brash.



All in all, we think Lisa is the most well-rounded of the contestants and deserves to win.



Fine. We like her 'cause she's mean and drunk and has a lazy eye that everyone makes fun of.

(Pictures stolen with love from fourfour. Of course.)

Bad Bonnie Hunt. ing.

Bonnie Hunt, darling, we've actually been a fan of yours for some time. So we're begging you to put down the gun you have aimed at our soul, Bonnie. Put down the gun, Bonnie. Bonnie, put down the gun. Bonnie. Bonnie. Put it down. Bon. Put down. Put. Gun. Bonnie. Down. Down.

It's haunting, really.

Here at the NB, we get tons of magazines sent to us because PR people are dying to have their goodies posted on such a wide-reaching site as this one. We were thumbing through Interview last night (don't worry—we were HAMMERED), and we came across this month's interview of Scarlett Johansson by John Travolta. Allow us to excerpt our favorite part, which is so fantastic that we are actually going to transcribe it for you. That's how much we care about you enjoying this bit, which needs no further introduction:

John Travolta: How did you feel about our old town of New Orleans, and the devastation from Hurricane Katrina?
Scarlett Johansson: Isn't it just the most horrible thing? What's so strange is that a week before it happened, I was saying, "We've got to do something; we've got to organize," and for some reason the government just dropped the ball.
JT: You know, our film A Love Song for Bobby Long was probably the last movie to represent New Orleans in the classic way.
SJ: Yeah, and I was thinking how fortunate it was that we were able to experience that.
JT: We could never have done that film anywhere else. The timing of it was kismet. How else would we have captured the last illusions of that city?
SJ: And that summer, and that heat.
JT: Yeah. It's haunting, really. I actually took my 707 and delivered five tons of food and medicine to the people there, and then I went on the frontlines with the National Guard searching for people. It was a real honor.
SJ: How incredible to have been so proactive.

iWant to see your tits.

Dudes, the subway's about to get a lot more nasty. Or, if you have one tooth and a Daffy's bag full of Sprite cans, a lot more hot.

For real.

Via Slate.com, literally.

Gallo's humor.

This is for real, ladies. Ladies? Anyone? We only have $236, but we're open to taking donations—intern Kwai-lin wants to be a mommy. And, just so you know, it's not the scariest thing on the site. This is.

Finalement.

French news is reporting Britney filed for le divorce.

Bon nuit!

Lourdes love.

We just got this email from Libby DeVasquez, president of the official Lourdes Ciccone-Leon fan club:

Well, as you know, today was a very big day for Lourdes fans. I actually got the tipoff a few days ago so I was able to get into both readins. Lola really is a wonderful woman. She smart, funny, beautiful and has a way with people. And she reads so good. Its an inspration. Its cool. I did bring my digitales camera but it got all broken before, so I dint get no pics. Its Ok. I have tons o pics at home. Anyways, I jus watned to say hey and give a shout out to Lolas. Lola we love you and thank you for takeing time out of yo busy day to see us. We love you, baby. Stay good.

Amor, Libs

P.Q. Carlos was no there! Where wer yo, baby dady?!

Well said, Libs! We're disappointed that no actual pics of the events have come through, but we'll keep our fingers crossed. It really does sound like it was a big day. We're proud to be the site to bring you all the news as it happened.

Lourdes pic.

This is from 10-year-old Dezzy Danby:

I was at the P.S. 75 reading. I tried to get a shot of Lourdes but all I got was her hair. Peace.

Dez

Thanks, Dez. We'll take what we can get!

Lourdes letdown.

This dispatch is sent to us from 10-year-old Morgan Krause of P.S. 75:

Hey. Lourdes didn't even do the reading here. Mrs. Halbeck did it. Lourdes just stood next to her and smiled while Mrs. Halbeck read all the people Madonna thanked for her cd. She read the lyrics to another song, too. It's not the one with the ABBA in it. People were really exited but it was kind of a letdown. Kind of. It was still exiting to see her. I'll always love her.

Morgan K.

Sorry about that, Morgan. It's interesting to see how Lourdes changes things up, though. It's pretty awesome that she did show up—the girl doesn't stop. She just goes, goes, goes. When does she even sleep? We're glad you still love her.

More, please! Thanx!

Lourdes excitement.

We've already gotten a pic from P.S. 75! What a commotion little Lola's causing!

Lourdes report.

We just received this email from a disgruntled nine-year-old Madison Allberg:

I coldnt get in to see Lourdes and I am like her biggest fan. Im trying to go to the otherplace but my nanny wont take me. Shes trying to get me to go back to school. There were peple there who didnt even now who Lourdes was. Its so unfair. The only thing I got was this shot of her shoes when she was in the hall. I hate evryone. Ugh.

Mad

We're sorry, Maddie. There's still time to get uptown if you can convince your nanny to take you. School is important, though. Just look at Fantasia. Anyway, good luck!

Another Lourdes exclusive.

Whoa! We just received this!

Hello--

After the success of this morning's P.S. 41 surprise appearance, Lourdes Ciccone-Leon will be making a second surprise appearance at the UWS P.S. 75, the Emily Dickinson School at 735 West End Avenue! She'll be dropping in at 2pm to read the liner notes to Madonna's Confessions on a Dance Floor to Mrs. Halbeck's third-grade class. There are a limited number of guest spots, so, once again, pass this on to anyone you know. THIS IS GOING TO BE A POPULAR EVENT!!!!! Lourdes will be returning to London after this appearance, so there will not be any more. Confessions on a Dance Floor will be released on 11/15.

OK, kids, you have one more chance to see Lourdes Ciccone-Leon in person in NYC! Go get 'em, and send us the deets. Thanx!

Lourdes pic.

While we have yet to receive a pic of Lourdes at her appearance, we do have a nice shot of third-grade teacher Miss Beverly Friedland, sent in by nine-year-old Sikwah Banh, who calls Miss Friedland "the best teacher EVER!!!!!!!"



That's very sweet of Sikwah—we're sure Miss Friedland likes him just as much! Her? Him, right? No. Her. Um. Anyway, thanks for all your contributions! We'll continue to post as we get 'em!

Lourdes answers.

Nine-year-old Miles Kalder writes in:

Lourdes's hair was long and lush. It looked natural. A little wavy. She was with 2 bodyguards. They were big men. She came in a black SUV, not a limo. She didn't say anything outrageous, but she did hint at a possible US tour (SO excited!). All in all, it was FABULOUS! I'm so glad I was there! She was beautiful.

Miles

Wow! For a nine-year-old, Miles certainly is...articulate. Thanks, Miles. Here's another digital pic we received from nine-year-old Shane Sullivan...



Thanks, Shane. Are there any pics of Lola herself? Let us know!

Lourdes report.

Our first report from Lourdes Ciccone-Leon's surprise reading comes from 10-year-old Susie Friedman:

Lourdes looked BEUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! She was wering a shirt with a long-sleve shirt over it with another shirt that said POPSTAR with a puffy vest with an army jacket. Her belly was showing! She had a skirt on with tights under it and pink converse. She sat in a chair in the front of the room and read us all the people her mom MADONNA!!!! thanks in her new cd. I cant remeber them all but I know she thanked God and Lourdes (LOLA, of corse!) and Rocko and the guy shes maried to. It was so amzing to see her in person!!!!!!!!!!!! Im so glad I got to. Thank u!!!!!!1 U ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SUSIE

Thanks, Susie, for that fantastic report. We have some addtional questions:
•What kind of car did she come in?
•Was she with anyone?
•What style of hair did she have?
•Did she say anything outrageous?
•Did she say anything about a tour?

If you know any of the answers to these questions, write us at NervyB@gmail.com.

More as we get it!

Lourdes pic.

Nine-year-old Lucy Siegel sent us this digital pic of the busy scene outside P.S. 41...



Thanks, Luce! Keep 'em comin'!

Lourdes exclusive.

We just want to let you know that we're getting reports that P.S. 41 is turning into a mob scene. If you're still thinking of going, you may want to reconsider. There are rumblings that there may be another appearance later in the day. We'll keep you posted, of course...

If you do manage to snag a spot, please email us to let us know all the details! We're positively plotzing with anticipation!

Special event exclusive!

OK, so here's the email we received this morning. We've confirmed the details of it with a few other "blogs" on the Web...

Hello!

We want to let you know about a surprise appearance Lourdes Ciccone-Leon will be making today at 11am SHARP at P.S. 41 on West 11th Street in Greenwich Village. She will be joining Miss Friedland's third-grade class to read from the liner notes of her mother's new CD, Confessions on a Dance Floor. Her appearance will last approximately 15 minutes, and she WILL NOT be signing autographs. Please pass this info on to any third grader who may be interested. SPACE IS LIMITED. Thank you! Confessions on a Dance Floor will be available 11/15!

There it is. You heard it here first. This event takes place in a mere hour, so if you're interested and nine years old, we'd suggest getting there as soon as possible. P.S. 41 is located at 116 West 11 Street on the corner of Sixth Avenue.

Terri cloth.

Good morning. We were searching our favorite plus-size clothing site, Torrid, and we found this pic...



It's Terri from "Degrassi: the Next Generation"! This is what she left the show to do, we assume. There are more Terri pics on the site, but we were too overcome by sadness to continue look...

Oh.

OH.

We're getting some breaking news right now... OK, people, please stand by. We have to confirm something. We'll be back as soon as we have some more information about what we've just received in our inbox...