Jews do own everything!

Apparently Sarah Silverman bought Slate.com. Mazel tov.

Apprentae.

Martha Stewart's "Apprentice" has been canceled. We had no idea there was a Martha Stewart version or that there was even a Martha Stewart anymore. And, because the article says that NBC has renewed Donald Trump's "Apprentice" for two more seasons, we think they might be making all this up, anyway. Sorry. As you were.

The Blair senator.

Such a pleasure to have you in Israel, Mrs. Clinton, now AGAINST THE WALL!

No news is no news.

If you plan to go to Albuquerque this week, please be very quiet.

.

And that's how she's different from other women.

Gentlemen, if you'd like to woo screen legend Catherine Zeta-Jones whilst Michael Douglas is enjoying one of his many Sierra Tuscon rehab stints, here's a hint: the unique Miss Zeta-Douglas-Jones has a passion for...



DIAMONDS!

Yawn.

Guys, Hilary Duff is exhausted, so, if you see her out, which you probably won't because she'll be resting, don't bother her. She's exhausted, guys. So just leave her alone. All right? No, really, she's exhausted. She was supposed to take September off for her birthday, but she got rilly busy. K? The only person allowed to talk to her is Haylie, but that's only if she needs Diet Coke. Otherwise, don't bother her. She's in demand, guys. So, just don't call her for a few days or ask for any requests. She's famous and ex-haus-ted.

Back from the southeast.

Sorry about not saying goodbye on Friday. We were abducted by Somalian warlords and spent the weekend in a lovely compound in sunny Mogadishu. We managed to get back in time for this post by promising the chief 24 able-bodied servants, so if things are slow, it's because we're lacking some...shall we say...help. By the by, if you ever find yourself in Mogadishu, do not say a word about Megan Mullally. They do not believe in wacky sidekicks. They're all business there. All business.

In the meantime, here's Jude Law topless on a balcony. And, he kept his pants on. Hey, Jude, thanks!

The Medusa of awards banquets.

All right. This post has nothing to do with Friday, but it's all much too much to let pass. Alas, may we interest you in some Liz Taylor? Corbin Bernsen? Maxwell Caulfield? Brian Cox? Jon Voight? Mickey Dolenz? We can? One tip: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 14th Annual Britannia Awards. Godspeed.

It's naked, and it's Friday!

Guys, it's already 3:30. RALLY TIME! That can only mean one thing...

Contra-intuitive.

You live in D.C? You wanna contra dance? It's the Friday Night Dance, people, at Glen Echo Park! There's no alcohol, no smoking, just contra dancing all night long! Well, at least until 11:30 pm. or your mom picks you up.

Friday asked questions.

This is software called Friday. What it does is turn a list of questions into a FAQ Web site for you. Just like that! Upon finding this, we became super excited and compiled a list of NB FAQs to use with Friday, but, alas, Friday is not freeware. Nor does it look like it's available for Macs. Nor does it look like it's been updated since Adrien Brody did that spread for Men's Health. Alas, we have this list of FAQs but no Friday. What? You want to see the list anyway? Really? Well, all right. But you'll have to scroll if your monitor cannot accommodate the whole list. There'll be no clicking.

Nervous Breakdown FAQS

Q: Is anything on this site ever truly funny?
A: No.

Q: Are you hiring?
A: If you are over 18 but are still being kept in a cage, you are eligible for an internship with us. Please direct all inquiries to NervyB@gmail.com.

Q: What if I receive the wrong DVD?
A: Please return the incorrect DVD in the postage-paid envelope provided and put the correct DVD back in your queue. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Q: Is that pink pill at the top of the page an actual medication?
A: We found it in a cab after Dom Deluise got out, so your guess is as good as ours.

Q: When this site began, there were weekly letters to al-Qaeda. To be honest, those were mildly entertaining. What happened?
A: We don't know what you're talking about. As for the letters to al-Qaeda, if you remember, we had to stop those because Gitmo only had dial-up.

Q: How do you maintain an ad-free site?
A: The limited number of readers makes it quite easy for us to publish a free journal.

Q: Will Nervous Breakdown ever fold?
A: At any moment.

Q: Complete this sentence: I wonder why ___________________.
A: Please see post entitled "Famine."

Q: What's the capitol of Montana?
A: Helena. Please don't fuck with us with state capitols.

Q: What do you think is the one greatest contribution Nervous Breakdown has made to the world?
A: Moving Renée Richman-Weisband out of the chorus and into the spotlight.

If any of your questions have not been answered here, and we don't see how that could be true, please send your question to NervyB@gmail.com. It will be answered based on the order in which it was received and on the quality of comma usage. Thank you.

Fri-ed rice-day.

Here's a link to our newest most favoritest tabloid, Friday. When we read this,【創刊21周年記念スペシャル企画】「パンチラ」「ブラチラ」…部門別【お宝】Ｎｏ.１は誰だ!?, boy, were we totally astonished. And don't ask what happened with this:【追悼グラフィティ】デビューから熱唱、熱愛まで. Do not ask! We'll give a clue. Two words. Spit. Take.

Broad Brode.

Movies come out on Fridays. Usually. So here's an article about how movie star Adrien Brody got to looking like this (apparently a flux capacitor-ed Delorean was involved, as the piece is from the December 1005 issue of "Men's Health")...

Famine.

Here's a site called Friday's Feast. Each Friday, a different "meal" of questions is posted for you to answer. Today's feast is number 69, which is basically the reason we're posting this. Anyway, you know what? We'll go ahead and answer these questions, truthfully, below, just to make our devotion to our reader clear. Please feel free to answer these questions, as well, and post your answers in the "Comments" section. If you're not busy blowing your brains out after the "soup" course. Anyway...



Appetizer
If someone made a statue of you, in which pose would you like to be?

Salad
What perfume/cologne does your best friend wear?

Soup
Name something satisfying about your work.

Main Course
What was the last excuse you made, and why did you need to make it?

Dessert
Complete this sentence: I wonder why _________________.


All right. As promised...

Appetizer: if someone made a statue of us, we'd want it posed in the Sharon Stone Basic Instinct position.

Salad: Oyedo, by Diptyque. Come on—he's gay and rich!

Soup: lowercasing seasons.

Main Course: honestly, the mind reels trying to come up with an answer for this one. We've got a better question: What was the last excuse you made that wasn't actually an excuse but the truth? To which we would answer, We don't remember much about when we were three.

Dessert: I wonder why I just answered these fucking questions.

So, there you go! Interesting, no? No, of course not. This shit never is. Now forward this on to 40 friends or be prepared for a giant robot to break through your window at 3am and force you to play Simon until you can't tell blue from red from green from yellow.

Girls' Friday.

Friday also means fourfour's recap of "America's Next Top Model." Today we get Kristen Bell, Eva "Dionne Warwick" Pigford AND Lisa peeing in a diaper. Ah, memories. Friday makes us love Wednesday even more. And Thursday can fucking bite us. Damn interruptor.

Picture pages.

Here are two Web sites with basically the same theme but different interpretations of said theme:

The first is called Photo Friday, at which a new theme is posted each Friday and bloggists are invited to link a photo they've taken that represents the theme. This week's theme is "Worn." Here's a photograph of a closeup of a train by JToddM. The cracks mean it's worn.

The second site is called Illustration Friday, which has exactly the same conceit as Photo Friday except that participants are asked to submit illustrations rather than photographs. Today's topic is "strength." Yeah, we have no idea what that is, either, so we'll take a look at last week's topic, "night," which we know as "the time during which we don't sleep." Liz Wong, who runs a fantastic site callled ArtGhost, came up with this illustration, which she calls "boring," but which we think is pretty great:



As we have no photographic or artistic talent, we will not be participating in either of these challeneges. Nor will we be making any totally unfunny mockery of them. Sometimes it's nice to look at the intelligent, good work non-celebrities do. They're people, too, you know.

Frigedæg.

Hola, chicae. Today, it being Friday, let's investigate Friday, shall we? Here's Wikipedia's explanation:

Friday is the fifth day of the week, falling between Thursday and Saturday. In countries that adopt a Sunday-first convention, it is commonly considered the sixth day of the week. (see Days of the week for more on the different conventions.)

The name Friday comes from the Old English frigedæg, meaning the day of Frige, the Norse god of beauty. Frige replaced the Roman god of beauty, Venus, as the namesake of the fifth day of the week after the Anglo-Saxon invasions of Rome. This is why the word for Friday in French is Vendredi, and in Italian it is Venerdi, after Venus, while in Modern German it is Freitag.

In most countries with a five-day work week, Friday is the last workday before the weekend and is therefore viewed as a cause for celebration or relief. In some offices, employees are allowed to wear less formal attire on Fridays, known as Casual Friday or Dress-Down Friday.

We'll be back with more Friday fun, ladies. Hold tight.

Whatever this means.

A new TV movie called Whatever Love Means will air in Britian and will recount the tumultuous relationships of Prince Charles with Diana and Camilla. Camilla will be portrayed as "raunchy," Diana as "devoted to the prince" and Charles as a somewhat naive lover to Diana. All will be played by actors 4,000,000 times better looking than them.

They shoot Lüstvøgs, don't they?

Well, this happened. Though, admittedly, with $1,500, doesn't this asshole now own IKEA?



(Yes, we're making frickin' IKEA jokes. We told you we were busy. Lay øff.)

Where's the red marker? Do you have the red marker?

Guys, Jordan's making lemonade out of lemons.

Little disc of horrors.

This exists probably because country music typically works well with comedy. Unfortunately, comedy is subjective, and sometimes its intentions are misinterpreted. Here's an idea: why not write a song about the time our friend saw you in a bagel shop on the Upper West Side and arguing with the cashier about tax applied to a bagel? Now that's fun-ny.

Pequino problema.

Ricky Martin's PR people ain't playin'. Your ball, Enrique. Oooh...lo siento.

(There would be a picture of a small burrito here, but we're fucking tired of looking for one. Again, lo siento.)

I see London, I see France, I see Tyra do a dance.

Fourfour doesn't have the recap up yet, but there is a wonderful replay of the moment from last night's "America's Next Top Model" when (SPOILER AHEAD. SPOILER. SPOILER.) Tyra told both Nicole and Jayla to pack their bags..........because..........EVERYONE'S GOING TO LONDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, it was funny when Tyra went banoonies, but it was even better when the camera flashed to Nicole's face and showed one of the most bitter, angry looks ever seen. Bitch was pissed. And who can blame her? She thought she was being sent packing. Silly girl. EVERYONE'S GOING TO LONDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Sorry.

Lisa, we still love you, girl.

Trip.

Dudes, we are BIZAY here at HQ! A new shipment of coffee cups came in, and everyone's going BANANAS! In the meantime, enjoy this. It should keep you entertained for, oh, a few minutes. And by "a few minutes" we mean, "That kid is going to be so gay. And traumatized. And gay."

Jews don't rent; they own.

Here's Moviehole's interview with Sarah Silverman, in which she talks about how she's in the movie version of Rent and tells the raped-by-a-doctor joke for the 83rd time in one month. (Sorry, Sarah, we do enjoy you, but the movie version of Rent? Really? Really?)

Anyway, here are some clips from her new movie, Jesus is Magic, which is not the movie version of Rent.

Where's the "Who's the Boss?" reunion? And why? And how!

Here are a few pics from yesterday's "Tony Danza Show," which featured a "Who's the Boss?" reunion. You can try to convince us as much as you want, but we'll never believe Pintauro's gay. Katherine Helmond, on the other hand? Well, let's just say we've had our doubts, and these pics don't do anything to help her.

America's next top eater.

We missed Monday's episode of the "Tyra Banks Show," on which she dressed in a fat suit to experience the kind of everyday treatment overweight people receive. Obviously, we're very upset and have been combing the Interwebs for pics of be-fat-suited Tyra. We have only managed to find this one...



...which shows Tyra getting into her fat. Eh. However, we did stumble across this one...



...which had us LOL-ing for minutes. As our good friend Zach said, "You might think that's just a pic from an extra on 'Amen,' but no. it's Tyra!" Well, it's funny because it's true!

If we find more, you can bet we'll post them. We just adore outraged supermodels in fat suits.

Whiny Witherspoons.

Seriously, Reese, when we were singing with Joaquin during the making of the Jimmy Sommerville movie, he was like, "You're singing too gay. Jesus." He was SUH ANNOYING. Still, we're glad you made friends. After three months. Which we're guessing is about two days before the film wrapped? Something like that? Best of luck to you both.

Um, what.

It's raining mayor.

We just saw this pic from the New York Times. We're glad the Weather Girls were there to celebrate Bloomberg's win. VERY appropriate.

Bloombergsday.

Congratulations, Mayor Bloomberg, you won by an historic margin yesterday! We're quite happy about that because last night we were at a bar with some friends who smoke. Because you made it illegal to smoke inside bars, we situated ourselves on the patio, which was fine because it was a beautiful night. Well, the lighting outside was so perfect that we were carded! Yes, carded! Mayor Bloomberg, we've never felt so alive! Kudos to you and your successful $325 gazillion campaign—we can't wait to see how you're going to continue to make us look—and feel—20 again. Again? Did we say again?

The NB Election Day 2005 coverage.

Well, it's almost time for us to sign off, and Nell Carter is napping. The final poll is as follows...

As of 4:00pm, the votes were as follows:

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg (Rep.) — 66%

Fernando Ferrer (Dem.) — 33%



All districts in all boroughs reporting with three votes having been cast.

OK. We have no idea why we're back to how the votes tallied at 9:45 this morning. From what we understand, Chuck Schumer was last seen pouring water on a transformer in front of BAM, so this could explain for the discrepancy. In any case, let us be the first to say that we predict an easy win for Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg in today's nail-biting election. Congratulations, Mr. Bloomberg. You give gay Republican Jews throughout the five boroughs a good name.

Oh, Nell's up. Thank you, Nell Carter, for your hard work today. We'll see you for our next election report sometime in the future. Say hi to Jimmy for us!

"Lost" and found.

Here's the best explanation we've read for the wacky happenings on that crazy "Lost" island! Right, Nell? Holla!

The NB Election Day 2005 coverage.

We have this for you now...

As of 2:45pm, the votes were as follows:

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg (Rep.) — 75%

Fernando Ferrer (Dem.) — 25%



All districts in all boroughs reporting with four votes having been cast.

According to special election day correspondent Nell Carter, we are to understand that New York State Senators Schumer and Clinton have cast their votes, and Mayor Michael Bloomberg allegedly re-voted for the second time today, though that is, somehow, being disputed by the Mayor's press secretary. Unless Ferrer re-voted for Bloomberg, which we have no evidence to support (largely because no one really knows what Ferrer looks like), both Democratic Senators, who publicly supported Ferrer, voted for Bloomberg, and Bloomberg did, in fact, re-vote again. Apparently, like Bloomberg, neither Senator found it necessary to pay attention to exit polls. Nell Carter says she's unable to get anyone on the phone but will continue to try. There was one rumor that Schumer was spotted on the corner of Flatbush and 5th Avenue and unsuccessfully attempting to pay people to vote, but that is totally unfounded.



Once again, stay tuned to the NB for more thrilling election updates.

The NB Election Day 2005 coverage.

Wow. Apparently Mayor Bloomberg is not paying attention to the exit polls because we now have this...

As of 2:00pm, the votes were as follows:

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg (Rep.) — 0%

Fernando Ferrer (Dem.) — 100%




All districts in all boroughs reporting with two votes having been cast.

Apparently, according to Nell Carter, who's on the phone with us now, Mayor Bloomberg switched his vote to longshot Ferrer because he was "feeling a little worried about my friend Freddie." Nell says she asked him, after he had switched his vote, if he had seen the exit polls, to which he responded he had not because he "was not aware it was necessary." Nell told him he may, in fact, want to take a look at the polls, which he is allegedly doing as this is being written. We'll keep you updated. Thanks, Nell...



Oh, and Joey. Thanks, Nell and Joey.

Totally unboss.

1) The "Tony Danza Show" is apparently still on the air.

2) Today's episode featured a "Who's the Boss" reunion with Judith Light, Katherine Helmond, Alyssa Milano and Danny Pintauro.

3) We had no idea.

4) We're pissed, Nell. Pissed.

The NB Election Day 2005 coverage.

We have a surprising update from the exit polls...

As of 12:30pm, the votes were as follows:

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg (Rep.) — 50%

Fernando Ferrer (Dem.) — 50%



All districts in all boroughs reporting with two votes having been cast.

Yes, that's correct. Apparently the third voter has rescinded his/her vote since our last update. We now have only two votes counted in today's edge-of-your-seat NYC mayoral election. It's now neck-and-neck! What say you, Nell?



Oh, Nell, you didn't have to bring the Chief. We're sorry if we offended you. NOW GET BACK TO WORK.

Anyhoot, keep it tuned to the NB for sporadic, unpredictable election day updates.

Something rotten.

Jason (né Justin) Timberlake is in talks to play Johnny Rotten in an upcoming movie of the Sex Pistols member's life. Really. Would we make that up? Well, would we, Nell?



Oh, shit. Nell sent Addy in her place. She must be pissed about our last comment. Gurl, you know we was kiddin'! Anyway, i's all true. What you gots to be ashamed about? Be proud, gurl.

Lady lovin'.

If you want to see a huge lesbian "Degrassi" spoiler, click here.

If you want to see a huge lesbian, look below. Oh, snap!

The NB Election Day 2005 coverage.

Our first update, folks.

As of 11:30am, the votes were as follows:

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg (Rep.) — 66%

Fernando Ferrer (Dem.) — 33%



All districts in all boroughs reporting with three votes having been cast.

Well, things seem to be about the same. Don't let the terrorists, win, New Yawkahs. Get out there and VOTE! Once again, we turn coverage over to NB election day correspondent Nell Carter...



People, Nell is incensed. No one is voting. She's so upset that a random man is having to cool her down. Get out there and vote! It's your Honda civic duty free falling water taxi.

Don't call me.

Courtesy of the fantabulous TVGasm, Bai Ling's version of "Call Me," from VH-1's "But Can They Sing?" It's in convenient mp3 format, for your iPod pleasure! You know who absolutely loves this? A-miss A-nell A-carter.

Tell it to Debi Mazar's hand, because Debi Mazar's face ain't listening.

Yeah. We've noticed, Madge. It's OK. We've been hanging out with our new BFF...

The NB Election Day 2005 coverage.

We've just gotten the first exit polls from the NYC mayoral race. Unfortunately, we have no idea howsoever to make a graph or pie chart or even a pie, so you'll have to deal with basic numerals.

As of 9:45am, the votes were as follows:

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg (Rep.) — 66%

Fernando Ferrer (Dem.) — 33%

All districts in all boroughs reporting with three votes having been cast.

Wow! Already there's one more voter than we'd expected. This could actually turn out to be somewhat exciting. We'll keep you posted on any developments. In the meantime, let's check in with our Election Day correspondent, Nell Carter...



Lookin' good, Nell. Lookin' good. We'll check back with you later.

Get out and vote, New Yorkers! We want to see at least 10 votes by the end of the day. Show this country that you won't be deterred by the events of 9/11. Vote, vote, vote!

ADDENDUM:
Atlanta enthusiast (yes, we're interstational) Stephanie sent us this helpful pie chart for our election coverage. Thanks! You may now look forward to more graphs throughout the day. And, yes, Lori, Nell Carter is dead. At least that's what the government would have you believe.