Santinoblog update.

Santino met Kiefer Sutherland this weekend! We still haven't decided who was unluckier. Wait, we just did.



(No, we have not been brave enough to listen to any of the audio posts. Let us know if we're missing anything.)

Booked.

Here's a list of various bloggers' favorite books of 2005. You can now scratch them all off your list. You're welcome.

In other book news, the Smoking Gun exposes James Frey, author of NY subway rider favorite A Million Little Pieces, as not so much a non-fiction writer as a non-fiction embellisher. Um, we could have told you that just by looking at the cover of his book. Sprinkles don't REALLY go on hands. Duh.

Yes, and as you've all known for months, J.T. Leroy's a girl. At least his public persona is. For those of you who care. Wait, none of you care? Well, fine. Enjoy this lottery ticket. On us.

Hijinks.

Via boingboing, here's a fun way to be a dick. Yeah—those lottery tickets totally don't look like they were designed by a special three-year-old. We'll opt for the fart machine instead, thank you very much.

Reality island.

Here's the cast for "Survivor 283: Panama: Exile Island: Oh No You Din't: Oh Yes I Did." Obviously at this point ratings do not rely on the attractiveness of the group.

GET ON THE ISLAND!

There was this one time.

She should be called Evangeline SILLY!

Delicious.

"Mommy, can Lourdes babysit again?"

"Yes, Apple. Now please take a nap. Grandma Blythe is coming over later, and she said she'll only give you that ermine if you're well-rested."

Found.

Good morning, love children!

In Spacey, no one can hear you care.

Have a good weekend, folks! Especially you, Tchaikovsky. And you, Oscar Wilde. You, too, Graham Norton. And you, Kevin Spacey. Oh, not you, Kevin Spacey? Oh, sorry. Again. Jesus.

Enjoy!

Satano.

Um, OK. This might have to become a regular feature. We just visited "Project Runway" contestant Santino's blog again and saw that if you position the page correctly in your browser, you can have eight pictures of Santino simultaneously staring at you. EIGHT. Without having to scroll. Eight at once. Guys, even if Daniel V. had a blog, we'd be calling him out on something like this. What makes this particularly unacceptable is that Santino is HID-eous. Hideous. He may be talented (and we're not quite convinced of that, either), but he's hid-e-ous. Please, please, please, Santie, if you're going to have eight pictures of something viewable at once, let them be of your designs. Or puppies. Or dead puppies. Forcing us to look at you like this only makes us hate you more, and we're nearly out of hate.

Oh, also, can you please fucking spell Nicky Hilton's name correctly? You were sooooooo excited to win that challenge—have some respect. For yourself.

Oh, and when you say you've been "working hard...to improve the site," what does that mean? Don't answer that.

(As we're obviously never going to post a photo, or eight, of Santino on this site, please enjoy eight pictures of Cookie Puss...)

Cross selling.

The New York Daily News reports that yesterday, when Wal-Mart online customers viewed the company's Web site's page for the DVD set of the Planet of the Apes TV series, the site suggested they may also be interested in purchasing biopics of famous black Americans like Martin Luther King Jr. Famous black Americans, like Al Sharpton, were not amused and called for an explanation. Wal-Mart said the event was entirely an unfortunate coincidence and has since disabled its "cross-selling" program until it is no longer racist.

After reading this outrageous story, the color-blind NB feels compelled to point out to the Rev. Sharpton that if one searches on Amazon.com for the Tim Burton remake of Planet of the Apes, one apparently may also be interested in purchasing Minority Report. Reverend?

One in a million.

Tragically, the West Virginia mine disaster claimed its 13th victim, Lou Rawls. R.I.P., man.

In plane view.

Liev Schreiber wins the January 2006 Bravery and Valor award. Liev, you are an inspiration to us all.

In other stupid plane news, here's this. And it's not even on TBS! And Paul Greengrass directed it! One word, and it's Yiddish: oy.

Sun came out.

Mornin'. Thanks for soldiering through one of the NB's lamest days yesterday. We promise many more like that for 2006! To continue on that theme, enjoy a site dedicated to the many children who played Annie and her orphans in the original Broadway and touring productions of Annie. There's tons to see and do there, most fascinatingly these pics of kid Sarah Jessica Parker looking even more scary than current SJP. Eeek!



Is that a young Sophia Petrillo as Annie?

Also, here's an entire site dedicated to original Annie, Andrea McArdle. Be sure to check out the video clips from the Christmas special. After all, today, January 6, is the day the three wise men finally got to the frickin' manger. People, TAKE YOUR TREES DOWN.

Pop-up.

And good night.

That steak is adorable.

Mooooooooooooo!

Elvis's hair tastes gross.

What better way to celebrate Elvis's birthday (January 8) or Martin Luther King Jr. day (January 16) than with jelly bean likenesses of them? That Martin Luther needs to take off his goggles before tanning!

'bratin' with Mr. Cooper.

Happy birthday, Bradley! Quit looking at us like that. Quit it!

Walk it off.

People, nothing is happening this morning. NOTHING. Which would explain this picture of Larry King angrily crossing a street...



Oh, one question. Is "Project Runway" contestant Marla related to someone in the Mob? Because, honestly, we could make better clothes than she does, and we don't know how to make clothes. And, yet, week after week she's in the bottom two but manages to survive. And it's not like she has any personality, whatsoever. Nor is she capable of creating any tension or drama. Marla, I knew Wendy Pepper. Wendy Pepper was a friend of mine. You're no Wendy Pepper. Enough already. Go back to your boutique. Oh, and we hope you all noticed how "exquisite" Nicky Hilton's taste was: braided Viking straps on a colorless, chiffon-attacked dress are apparently all the rage.



Ugh. Woman, did you not see Nick's truly exquisite dress???



Oh, one more question. Why is "Project Runway" the best show ever? Oh, one more question. Daniel V., will you be our valentine?

Disaster affects us all.

Sorry. We just got word that, for its continuing coverage of the West Virginia mine incident, CNN is looking for 1,496-point font. Currently fonts only go up to 1,492-point, and apparently CNN used that 14 minutes ago. We're told that if anyone can help to please send an email to disasterfonts@cnn.com. Please make sure font is larger than the example below, truncated for obvious reasons.



Thank you. See you tomorrow.

Shouldn't you be designing something?

Here's "Project Runway" contestant Santino's blog, in case you were looking for 40 billion photos of him. (We were not, so please enjoy this picture of a cat in a tiara...)

Girl! Interrupted!

Music plays and pictures move.

Here are the top 50 music videos of 2005, according to DoCopenhagen. No, we don't know what music videos are, either.

What?

What? WHAT?

One Ruben, please.

Remember 2003? It's when this became your American Idol.

Oolong, farewell, auf wiedersehen.

In other news, here's Oolong, the pancake rabbit. We don't know. He's a bunny who can balance shit on his head, which apparently was good enough to get him into the New York Times. No matter that we can spell and reason.

Commemorating 1/4.

Well, we've actually just been in touch with perennial "Project Runway" contestant Daniel Franco and asked him to design a ribbon for the recent events in West Virginia. At first, he was a little hesitant because he said he was busy applying for season 3, but a few moments ago we received an image in our inbox.



Franco writes, "Hi there. I'd just like to say that this ribbon is black to symbolize both the darkness of the mine and the coal which was the miners' livelihood. The goldenrod trim represents the sunlight they'll one day see when they emerge from their darkness. The phrase 'Bring them home' stands for the sentiment the miners' relatives must have been feeling while being lied to. I wanted to include 'already,' but there just wasn't enough room. I hope you enjoy my design. Thank you, Heidi. Thank you. Thanks. Thank you. —Daniel F."

No, thank you, Daniel Franco. We appreciate this exclusive design you've created for us. Presently, intern Hesmeralda is ironing the design on packages of "slightly irregular" shirts we grabbed from a bin at Odd Jobs. They'll be $35 in XXXL or XXXXL —let us know if you're interested.

Coop, Kiki, Travis and us.

Sorry, folks. We were woken up last night by the church bells and screams of "They're alive! They're alive!" and we turned CNN on to see what all the hubbub was about. And then we watched as Anderson Cooper's blue eyes grew misty as little Travis and Kiki told him the real story. Needless to say, it was a rough night. We're just now recovering the use of our arms. Please stand by...

Christmas ham.

Truth be told, the NB tries to stay out of the political arena. Certainly we have our views and opinions, but we do not feel this blog is a place to express those ideas. After all, we all may not agree on when it's OK to kill a baby, but we probably can all find humor in Melanie Griffith's lips.

That said, today we must make an exception. Regarding the war in Iraq, we've always wanted to bring our hardworking troops home because we've never believed they should be there at all. Now, you may or may not agree with that sentiment, which, for the purposes of this blog, is absolutely fine. However, we think you'll agree with us wholeheartedly that, for the love of god, the troops need to be brought home RIGHT NOW, after you read this tremendously disturbing piece of news.

Putting the lies in breathalyze.

We think it's wonderful that "Lost" star Cynthia Watros came to her senses and plans to plead guilty to charges of drunk driving. Persons, celebrity or not, should take responsibility for their well-documented mistakes and seek to make amends to those they may have hurt.

We think it's even more wonderful that "Lost" star Michelle Rodriguez continues to believe she is not guilty of driving drunk. Persons, celebrity or not, who do not take responsibility for their well-documented mistakes are a hoot. We look forward to seeing if Rodriguez plans to go completely Ana-Lucia on the prosecutors and kick them in the nuts and throw them in a pit during closing arguments. You know what, Watros? You're a pussy. Take some lessons from Girlfight.

In related news, CourtTV plans to air Rodriguez's trial, which will be infinitely paused, rewound and picked apart by fat, live-at-home 25-year-olds across the country.

He's like the crap.

Click on the lizard head to find out the answer to that age-old question, Will 2006 really be better than 2005?

100 things she didn't know this time last year.

Here's a list compiled by the BBC and documenting "100 things we didn't know this time last year." #11 is our fave. But what the hell's a Tim Henman? Or a kilogram?

On a similar theme, here are Sylvia Browne's predictions for last year. Miss Browne would have you believe she's a psychic, but...wait for it...you don't have to be psychic to figure this one out! Are you with me? Ladies?

And, because we love you and you and you, here's Elvis jumping over babies...

Listless.

How could we forget? One of our favorite movie review sites, Ruthless Reviews, has posted Matt Cale's worst movies of 2005. Me and You and Everyone We Know has been on lots of "best of" lists, but because both Cale and fourfour called it a pretentious piece of movie crap, we have to side with them. No, we have not seen it.

Here are Google News's results for lists of the worst movies of the year. Unfortunately, we don't have time to go through them and analyze. If you want to, be our guest. We'll pay you in outdated Pottery Barn coupons.

Slate.com's movie club has been meeting for the past week. Jonathan Rosenbaum and David Edelstein are two of our favorite critics, and the movie club is where you can follow their discourse on the year in film.

Also, here's retrocrush's 100 most annoying things of 2005. It's good to see that crazy runaway bride's eyes again. And is it wrong of us to say we have a teensy-weensy crush on Tucker Carlson?

Enjoy!

Those Europeans like anything!

Here's Hayden Christensen winning a cake movie award in Italy. Molto bueno, signor Siths!

The weight.

A li'l more Aretha for the new year. And by "li'l," we mean "lo't."

"This is nothing unusual."

Oh yeah! This happened whilst we were hiatusing. We're sure you've seen the pic, but in the slim chance you haven't (and because of our #2 resolution), here 'tis again. Lady and gentleman, Brad Renfro getting busted for trying to buy heroin on Skid Row...



And, in the spirit of the much-beloved "Unsolved Mysteries," here's an UPDATE! Unfortunately, we think we know how this'll all turn out. But we admire the kid's spunk.

A marvelous party.

You know where you wished you were? In South Beach for New Year's Eve. Why, you'd have been in the likes of...

Tropical Mickey Rourke and friends...



Be-leathered Howie Mandel and friends...



and a stoned-out-of-his-little-mind Wilmer Valderrama!



Now don't you feel like an asshole for staying home and watching strokey old Dick Clark talk out of one side of his mouth? Next year, people. Next year.

Crappy new year!

It's January 2, people. It's our 1,954th post. It's time for some resolutions.

The NB's top 10 resolutions for 2006:

1) To take the loathing of Teri Hatcher to a whole new level
2) To continue to post embarrassing pics of celebrities, no matter how many days old they may be and on what non-lame sites they may have already appeared
3) To be a better gift-giver
4) To marry Zach Wilcha
5) To not see any more films directed by George Lucas
6) To once-and-for-all memorize which celebrities are Scientologists and not support anything they may be involved in unless it results in a windfall of cash for us
7) To finally sell the Concrete Blonde cds, or at least dump them in the East River. Except Bloodletting.
8) To embrace the wrinkles, gray hairs and gradual loss of memory
9) To figure out where Colin Powell went
10) To pronounce Sudoku correctly, or at least spell it correctly.

There you go, folks. A little glimpse into the wants and desires of the brain of the NB. We were going to post all the interns' resolutions, but if you think those are legible/in any recognizable language, you best think again.

We hope you had a marvelous new year and look forward to spending some quality time with you in 2006. Ta ta, for now.