All of us, victims.

Well, hello! It's true—we haven't written in nearly a month. It's also true that that's not likely to change. However, while we may have taken a break, the world certainly hasn't. And, while we have no idea what's going on in said world because we no longer have the luxury of a workless workday to peruse the onlines, we still occasionally do come across a diamond in the rough. Or, in this case, diamonds in the rough. Well, actually, they're not really diamonds. They're more like pieces from Lainie Kazan's QVC collection.

The point is, you probably thought not much could be more horrific than last month's terrible tragedy at Virginia Tech. We're here to proudly tell you you would be wrong. Very, very wrong.

Without further brouhaha, then, please enjoy Nervous Breakdown's Tribute to Tributes to the Victims of the Virginia Tech Massacre. We begin with our favorite and proceed from there in order of favorite finally ending with our favorite. Peace be with you.

Allow us to explain.

No, we're not dead, nor have we forgotten about you. We're between jobs and enjoying the glorious time off. How do we feel exactly? Kind of like this...

Lil Spizzy.

It's not truly spring in New York City until banners announcing Spiderman Week NYC pop up on lampposts all around Washington Square. After all, April showers do bring May movie tie-ins! We visited the official SWNYC Web site to find out more information about what exactly we would not be attending and were almost finished when we spotted this:

IT'S A RAP: CLOSING NIGHT CELEBRATION
THE APOLLO THEATER
www.apollotheater.org
Sunday Only
The Apollo will host the Spider-Man Week in NYC closing-night celebration. Urban poets from the five boroughs will compose original raps about Spider-Man and his many adventures. The winner takes home a Sony Bravia™ TV.

Obviously, this little nugget made us reconsider our whole non-attendance plan. "Urban poets" composing original raps about Spider-Man and his many adventures?!?! Um, color us there! Well, color us possibly there. Honestly, there's a 2% chance we'll go to that. Fine. 1%. Er...someone's going to film it and put it on YouTube, right? Because, really—we'd hate to miss something like that.

Hey!

Someone at Ubuntu is very clever gay.



(Pic courtesy of Rich.)

Reality check.

OK. We just have to say that this "cycle" of Top Model is proving to be one of the best evah, and the reason for that can be summed up in one word:

WHOLAHAY.

Oh, and Whitelle. And NeNe, Moe, Nata, etc. Dionne was already becoming our most fave, and "Wholahay" obviously sealed the deal. And Tyra's Wholahay rechristening of "Brown" made us fall off our chairs and knock over all 36 half-empty champagne bottles on our coffee table*. And that wasn't even taking into account Brittany's Pippi-Longstocking-on-meth weave or Melrose's cameo as "name consultant."



Nice work, Ken Mok. Nice work, indeed.

And, as we may have mentioned earlier this year, we weren't planning on watching American Idol, but we most certainly are. Sanjaya was fun for a few weeks, and, of course, we are still voting for him. We think it's very unfair that the judges don't even critique him anymore—they're the ones who put him there, after all. For shame, Paula, Randy and Simon.

No, now we're absolutely enthralled because we loves some Chris and Blake. Those boys are somethin' special! The secret to keeping the love for them alive is to turn the channel when each sings, talks or moves. Simple! Oh, and also to join the Blake fan club. So, how 'bout you follow our lead and be a Blaker Girl, too?



And of you have no idea what any of the above means, what exactly are you doing with your life?

*We don't have a coffee table. We live alone in NYC. We don't have any table.

Stick with Tab.

Two posts in one day!?!? What is this, December? Well, we found this over on the DL, and, well, er, um, uh, hmm, erm...

"The View" from here.

Ugh. So American Idol was passable last night. Except that how did a song from a James Bond flick and "As Long As He Needs Me" from Oliver! become part of the British Invasion oeuvre? That's like us singing "Dancing on the Ceiling" on Sheila E. night. Which we plan to do. Oh—we have Sheila E. night the fourth Thursday of every month. But everyone has to bring his own drum kit.

The point is, The View has unveiled its new spring '07 mug!



This Warhol-meets-UNO monsterpiece can be yours for a generously overpriced $15.95. If you order this week, you can pick up the mug and the new View tote for only a mildly overpriced $20.90. But don't fret! Once you check out, ground shipping is $7.95 which brings the total to a generously overpriced $28.85. PHEW! We just ordered ours—look for us carrying around our View mug collection in our new View tote at a park near you this summer.

ADDENDUM:
Sorry sorry sorry! We disparaged Idol as if nothing memorable happened. Obviously we forgot about Crying Ashley. We're searching for a pic, but we have yet to find one. If you didn't tune in, imagine a blubbering starstruck eight-year-old girl's teary face on your high-definition screen every two seconds. That's Crying Ashley. And it was doubly uncomfortable and awkward (read: totally entertaining) because it happened mostly during Sanjaya's Kinks number. O, gods of television, we owe you.

ADDENDUM ADDENDUM:
Ladies and gentlemens, Crying Ashley...

Fat ice.

We're totally repulsed by erotic fan fiction (no, we don't want to read about Frodo seducing Gandalf the Gray OR White), but when erotic fan fiction features Tonya Harding and is hosted by Tonya's official Web site, well, then, we're...um...totally repulsed.



(via I have a hate on)

Cover it up!

Here's something for the weekend:

There's going to be a musical of Mask. No, not The Mask. Mask. As in Cher, Sam Elliott and Eric Stoltz. By Brill Building songwriting team and composers of "You Lost That Loving Feeling," Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil. All directed by crapmaster supreme Richard Maltby Jr.

That is all.

America, America, this is you.

This is the first and will probably be the last time we post about it this season, but we really have to take a moment to give special recognition to this year's American Idol. Not since Pink Lady and Jeff has there been such a varietal CRAPFEST being beamed into the homes of millions of viewers. The sheer power of this season's dearth of anything resembling talent has caused us to wholly reconsider our viewing tendencies. Meaning, we so weren't interested in watching this time around, and now we so are. Sorry. We SUH are.

Obviously reason number one is this...



Boy, can this girl not sing! Or dance! Or just stand there! It's ALWAYS awkward. Which is why we voted for her about 10 times Tuesday night (and we don't call anyone anymore). We plan to see Miss Malakar through till the end. Or at least until she has to do a Gwen Stefani number. Wind it up, indeed!

Reason number two? This...

Oh, sorry. There would have been a photo of the entire group of finalists here, but FOX's American Idol Web site is perhaps the least user-friendly site not made by a 52-year-old man sitting in his underwear on a Tuesday at 3:27 p.m. while Judge Judy plays loudly in the background. So, we're not scouring that site for a pic (nor are we linking you to it—you're welcome!). We'll just say that the other remaining 10 are not much more talented than Sanjaya. And, yes, that includes Kiki and Doolittle. Sure, those two are better than the rest, but you could throw a Cheetoh off our roof and hit five more talented people than either of those two girls. And, yes, that does include the homeless man who sits in front of the Minetta Garage and with his legs hidden so we think he's just one of those torsos.

Reason three...



Oh, girl. If you're going to take a five-minute entrance during which your name is emblazoned on a giant LCD screen while your past hits are played and sung by a band and other singers, you BEST practice walking in those giant red platform heels you insisted on wearing. Oh, and also? Being able to sing would be good, too. Seriously, Miss Ross, we love you, but wethinks it's over. You kind of made Sanjaya look like a musical genius. Listen—it's totally FINE if you just make a quick entrance, say a few thank-yous and take a seat. We're TOTALLY with you. Truth is, Di, you've never been a great singer, so, you know, it's OK to rest on your laurels and just allow a new generation of mediocre talent to take the torch. And by "torch," we mean "distracting red boa."

The point is, we're not actually complaining. We completely approve of all this garbage that FOX is foisting upon us this spring. But we just had to point out that as long as it continues (and with 11 talentless individuals, how could it not?), we'll continue watching. Either you're very clever, FOX, or you're stupider than we ever imagined. Whatever it is, damn you. And congratulations.

Our Birdland debut.

Just so you know — and your children will someday know — tonight we will be performing at NYC's legendary Birdland as part of a show called Speakeasy. According to this article on Playbill.com, the show will feature the songs of John Lennon, Joni Mitchell, Rufus Wainwright and Stephin Merritt. That is 0% correct. Tonight's show will feature songs in the style of those people. Well, kind of. Well, not really.

ANYWAY, we're playing two of our original hits with the magnificent Michael Conley and a full band. So, you should totally come out if you have $35 and a desire to see Malan from Project Runway sing Charlie Chaplin's "Smile." No, as much as we'd like to be kidding, we're not.

Here's the info:
Birdland is located in Manhattan at 315 West 44th Street. There is a $25 cover charge and a $10 food/drink minimum. Call (212) 581-3080 for reservations.

Awesome.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

It's Friday. Which means if you're in Manhattan, your island turns into Universal CityWalk for 48 hours! Which is why we're pleased to bring you two activities you don't have to leave your tiny apartment for.

First, on BBC America tonight at 9pm, it's the premiere of Clatterford. It's really too much to try to talk about, so just go to the link. Seriously.

Second, thanks to our friend Frank, you can enjoy the recycled hits of late-80s Tampa public access queen Sondra Prill. No, apparently it's not a joke.

Between the many offerings of Ms. Prill and the many times you're sure to watch Clatterford, you should be occupied well into, oh, early Saturday morning. You're welcome!

Attitude adjustment.

We would just like you to know that tomorrow's View (3/9/07) is a must-see in our books for two reasons:

1.) It's completely about depression
2.) Guest host: Linda Dano

And, if the gods are smiling on us, the episode will culminate in Linda D. hawking her QVC crap as a prime method of retail therapy.

It looks good, guys. No. It looks great.

Until you cry.

Yes, yes. We're quite aware that no one really comes around here anymore. And, yes, it is sad. Well, sad for those of you who still do. Not because we think you're sad! No. Because this site's sad. Well, sadder than it was when it was just regular sad. With so much sadness in the world, here's something to give you some chuckles—one of our most favorite TV clips in the history of ever.

Debbie does delts.

Oy. Such a week. It feels like we've been through a workout. A workout? Well, that reminds us! Watch this!



Yes, that's Debbie Reynolds leading a bunch of old broads in floor exercises. And, by old broads, we mean Teri Garr, Florence Henderson, Rose Marie and, yes, ol' Dionne Warwick herself. It's a clip from Do It Debbie's Way, a workout video Miss Reynolds put out in 1990, most probably in between downing three Bloody Marys and fielding drug-induced prank calls from Carrie Fisher. There are a few other clips available, but this one's the best, especially with poor Rose Marie barely breathing in the back.

No questions answered—ever!

Truth be embarrassingly told, we are still watching Lost. And, after last week's excellent Desmond/time-continuum episode, we thought we were back on track. Especially exciting was the promise that three long-standing mysteries would be answered on last night's episode. Well, imagine our kind-of-non-surprise when the Bai Ling-addled heap of boring made its way across our high-definition LCD TV. We counted exactly 0 questions answered. What about Jack's Chinese tattoo? you might ask. Usually we wouldn't answer a question with a question, but, as we're talking about Lost, we'll just say, Who gives a shit about Jack's Chinese tattoo? And even when we were told its translation, Jack had to get all "That's not what it means" on us. Come awn.

Alas, 0 Lost mysteries were explained last night. Instead, old characters returned and new characters were added, fueling our suspicion that the endgame of Lost is to provide every actor on the planet with a role. Which, come to think of it, did manage to answer one long-standing mystery: What ever happened to creepy "adult Christina Crawford"?



She's now creepy "Isabel, the island sheriff."

Is this a normal day at Norma's house?

After last night's American Idol debacle (seriously—we turned it off after Sunspots), we had to check out one of our favorite Idol-related blogs, Vote for the Worst. Vote for the Worst is entertaining enough, but it then linked us to this woman's videos on YouTube. We have since assembled an ad-hoc committee to attempt to figure out if the videos are legitimate or not, and we're not having an easy time of it. However, we figure any old broad who's willing to make her Shirley Temple doll dance while she sings about being a douche bag is totes worth our time.

Totes.

No tell.

If you're a longtime reader of this longtime site, you're a.) crazy and b.) familiar with our proclivity for "Worst of" lists. However, if you are "a" and "b," you still may not be aware of our c.) obsession with Trip Advisor. That's why we're pleased to bring you Trip Advisor's recent list of the 10 dirtiest US hotels. If you're a longtime resident of Earth, it should come as no surprise to you that four out of the 10 offenders are located in that cesspool of human existence, Florida. (We're allowed to say that—we're a.) from Florida and b.) cognizant.)

Anyway anyway anyway, we highly encourage you to a.) check out all the reviews of the dirty hotels on Trip Advisor and b.) pay special attention to those of the Hotel Carter in New York City. Said reviews should keep you entertained for a.) very, very, very, very long time. Enjoy!

Just say yes.

We just wanted to share this video with you. It's what happens when 200 people snort 200 pounds of cocaine, in case you're thinking of doing the same this weekend. Enjoy!

Aboot time.

The N has been so spotty with Degrassi's schedule in the past year that we kind of forget to check when new episodes air. The N also runs old episodes of Degrassi approximately 384 times a night, which makes it very difficult for us to spend our very valuable time trying to figure out if an episode is new or not. The point is, there have been new Degrassi: The Next Generation episodes in 2007. The first two featured the return of our fave Degrassi guy, Craig Manning, and a little problem he's dealing with. More importantly, the third episode of 2007 featured the shocking death of a character who's been on the show since the beginning. We must admit, we got a bit choked up at the end of said episode as the unhappy news was revealed to the rest of the characters.

The episode is available for viewing at The N's Web site, but please be warned, you may find out who dies before it actually happens, as The N has plastered spoilers all over the site. If you want to record it from The N itself, the episode is called "Rock This Town." Enjoy! Well, enjoy.