Movin' on east.

Well, reader(s), Monday marks the day of the Move®. Even though, from the amount of attention it's gotten here, you may have assumed it was already over, it's not even begun. What this means is that, if all goes according to plan, NB will be back on Wednesday, February 2. Have a wonderful weekend and Monday and Tuesday, and, everytime something bad happens to you, remember, at least you're not moving in the bitter cold with curbs full of week-old piles of snow. Right? Ladies?

Oh, baby.

NB was doing some research for a side project (not really) and came across a site of celebrity baby names. Yes, of course you know about Apple Martin and Coco Cox-Arquette. But, hey, did you know about these?

• Bob Geldof and wife Paula Yates have three daughters: Peaches, Pixie and Fifi-Trixibelle.
• Spice Girl Mel G. and her husband have a daughter named Phoenix Chi.
• Crazy Tori Amos's kid is named Natashya Lorien (that "y" really irks us).
• Dead Michael Hutchence and Paula Yates's (she's obviously bad news for babies) have what appears to be one daughter with the name Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily.
• Tommy Lee Jones and Kimberlea Cloughly's daughter is called Victoria Kafka.
• Diane Keaton has a daughter named Dexter Dean. Of course she does.
• Jackson brother Randy and his wife have a daughter named Steveanna.
• Slash's sons names are Cash Anthony and London Emilio.
• One of James Brown's sons is named Yamma.
• Casey Affleck and Summer Phoenix have a son named Indiana August.
• And, the best one ever, which you may already know, but which definitely bears repeating, is Shannon Sossamon's (she's the girl from The Rules of Attraction, a movie that NB kind of really likes) boy, Audio Science Clayton, for whom we grieve each and every day.
  

A Camaro!

The most Sook-u-lent news ever.

Little me.

If you've ever wondered how tall you are in comparison to Jaclyn Smith or Capucine, today's your lucky day.

At least he didn't dress like Prince Harry.

Dick Cheney dressed up for a memorial at Auschwitz. Next stop, the Dachau Pit BBQ and Rib Shack.

I know I can make it through.

NB absolutely adores the Degrassi: the Next Generation. It is, in our humble guesstimation, must-see TV. Here are some juicy tidbits aboot what's in store for our fave Canadians, eh?

Beginning February 18, we Americans will get four new episodes courtesy of Noggin. The first one is called "Neutron Dance," and it's about Ashley taking over ex-boyfriend Craig's band. Word has it that Craig will have to pick either the band or Ashley, easily trumping Sophie's choice in weight and importance. Also, we totally love how every Degrassi episode is named for some '80s song that's certainly unfamiliar to anyone on the show and most anyone watching the show. It's a little reminder that the writers are really so completely writing the show for people like me. Awesome.

According to canada.com, Jay and Silent Bob will be guest-starring in an upcoming episode, to which we say, eh.

Here's a page where you can download stuff, like a Manny screensaver or a Hazel IM icon. Hot, eh? Unfortunately, the rad season 3 printable T-shirt iron-ons are nowhere to be found, at least not in the 45 seconds we spent looking for them.

Shift the location.

They should totally go to Florida and shoot it as a documentary. Tons of money saved without a bump in the horror-filled storyline.

Ladies...

18 to 28 year-olds, it's your lucky day. Beyoncé is starting her own fashion line which will feature, according to Knowles, "things that I would wear either on or off the red carpet." We're not quite sure what these "things" are, but they're certain to help any 23 year-old achieve that slutty 45-year-old look.

Measure of amen.

Here's a site where religion and homosexuality live in non-pitchy, ear-delicious harmony. There are still some slots open for February. Sign up now!

CNN is as hungover as I am.

There are worse things I could do, but this is pretty bad.

Oh, Smoking Gun or some other such site, wherefore art Rizzo's mug shot already?

Like, hot.

Yes, we're packing! But this is very important. Thank u, Jeannette Walls.

Lindsay Lohan admires racecar drivers — because those suits are, like, stuffy. “I have so much respect for these NASCAR drivers because they’re walking around in these suits all day,” says Lohan — who has to don a racing suit for her role in “Herbie: Fully Loaded” — “and they’re really, really hot. I’m, like, dripping sweat."

Cocklahoma.

Wha?

Is it gonna be hot?

Because we don't sleep much, here's something that should prevent you from sleeping. Constant anxiety should be shared.

Please note, all two of you, that tomorrow may be slow around here, as more packing will be taking place. And probably more eating and not sleeping and definitely not packing.

And if it all gets to be too much, take heart in the fact that you didn't have to be lowered down to the beach with a winch and harness on your last vacation.

Lates.

Updizzate.

So here's how the whole Hot 97 tsunami hullabaloo ended. Yes, the screaming Chinks won. No, I can't fire myself for saying that. Yes, it's racist. No, you should never mess with Asians. Yes, that's a generalization. No, it's not because they always played piano better than me. Yes, I have Asian friends. No, I don't really like them. Yes, it's because they pee-pee in my Coke. No, I didn't hear that from Sarah Silverman. Yes, I did.

Your qualifications, please.

Um, for whom?

Nearer (my God) to thee.

Remember—the people who brought you this:




Also brought you this:

O. Henry, by way of South Central.

By now, you're probably familiar with the train derailment in LA this morning. Developing news brings us what surely qualifies as the most pathetically unfortunate decision of the day:

GLENDALE – A commuter train smashed into an SUV left on a crossing by a suicidal man early Wednesday, derailed and crashed into another Metrolink train, killing 10 people and injuring more than 100, authorities said.

The SUV driver changed his mind about suicide and left the vehicle before it was hit, Police Chief Randy Adams said. The man will be charged with homicide, he said.

The disappointment is so utterly palpable.

Character building.

MSNBC goes all back page on us today:

Google killed the video star.

Google is testing its video search site. We're assuming this means you'll be able to search for all those clips of people getting hurt, killed, burned, crushed, washed away that you've always wanted to see. For now, however, if you want to find that amazing video of that QVC host who slices his hand open with a sword, you'll have to go elsewhere.

Oberst bubble.

Excatly two weeks ago, NB heralded the release of two new Bright Eyes records.

Exactly now, NB is proud to declare Conor Oberst officially over. You may think it's the result of articles and pictures of Mr. Oberst being featured in the New York Times, Time Out New York, Entertainment Weekly and scads of other publications we probably haven't seen (we're halfway through this week's Star). It's not. The end came yesterday, when, on the PATH train (sub-subway, for those not familiar with NYC mass transit), the senior citizen sitting next to me was deeply involved in a Newsweek article about, yes, Conor Oberst and Bright Eyes' two new records. It's not that NB is, well, snobby about music—it's that when a shy, angsty, indie artist allows himself to be plastered on the front page of nearly every entertainment rag, it comes off as slightly inconsistent. Overexposure is not good for anyone. Right, Jude?

As well, I downloaded got Digital Ash in a Digital Urn, and, barring two or three songs, it's pretty much a snoozefest. The other one is supposed to be much better. Perhaps I'll download get that one and change my mind. But, as of now, you and your Bright Eyes, Conor Oberst, are formally dismissed.

He's a blogging maniac.

Celeb blogs are just the bee's knees of Internetia. They're especially charming when attached to a vanity project. Take, for instance, Zach Braff's Garden State blog (wait—did we say "celeb"? Bloops.). It's full of non-information about Mr. Braff and all the awards, accolades, ass-kissings his movie has received. A definite highlight is Braff's list of new year's resolutions:



Smell the Rosens!? Floss everything but my teeth!? HI-larious. It's much funnier than when Mr. Braff was the electrical engineer on the first show I ever did in New York City in 1998.

Anyway, for another opinion of Garden State, here's Ruthless Reviews's Matt Cale's worst films of 2004. NB adores Matt Cale, even if he does knock a movie with Mo'nique in it.

Where's a tsunami when you need one?

This breaking piece of news hit the world today. Ah. Michael Douglas, the director of Daddy Daycare and a sequel to a movie nobody can remember, together at last.

Oh, wait, are we late?

Boy, those Democrats sure know when to stand up for themselves. A really great time to start fighting is when absolutely nothing is at stake and it will only make you look like ineffective ninnies and sore losers. Never, ever fight BEFORE an election. Only after, when there's nothing more to lose than what you already lost when you didn't fight when it mattered.

Every day, it thrills me more and more no longer to be a registered Democrat.

See you tomorrow!

What a meth.

Remember that tsunami? After that happened, NB was gracious enough to provide a link to some before/after pictures of affected regions. Those were pretty incredible, huh? Well, we have some more! No, they're not tsunami-related. They're on a much smaller scale. Here are pictures of crystal meth addicts before and after, or after and way after, or whatever. You get the picture, wink wink. This series of pictures is an Oregon deputy's method of discouraging kids from using the drug. It's seemingly a pretty good deterrent, except for that red-head guy—he's sporting a wicked rad tan in his "after" pic. Almost makes it worth it, really.

Headlines soar and fly high and soar.

Here's the inevitable list of all the incredibly creative headlines/phrases declaring The Aviator's Oscar nomination triumph:

• "The Aviator flies into the lead" -The Financial Times
• "Aviator soars" -The New York Daily News
• "The Aviator lands 11 Oscar nominations" and "The Aviator soars among the" Oscar hopefuls" -USA Today
• "Oscar gave wings to The Aviator on Tuesday" -CNN
• "Aviator flies high" -Variety
• "Aviator buzzes Oscar nods," "Howard Hughes wouldn't want to wash his hands of this affair—not with 11 Oscar nominations at stake," and "The Aviator flew high" -E! online (so ambitious!)
• "The Aviator flies high in Oscar noms" -di-ve.com
• "The Aviator flies away with 11 Oscar nominations" -San Jose Mercury News
• "Aviator flies to top of Oscar Nominations" -Scotsman.com
• "Aviator flies high as 2005 Academy Award noms announced" -The Mediadrome
• "Aviator lands 11" -The LA Times
• "Aviator soars ahead in Oscar race" -Washington Post
• "The Aviator soars over Oscar nominations" -TurkishPress.com
• "Aviator on an Oscar flight" -The Times UK
• "The Aviator flying high" -CBS News
• "The Aviator soars" -FOX News
• "Aviator soars with 11 Oscar noms" -ExtraTV.com
  
• "Four blacks receive Oscar nods; Foxx gets two" -BET.com

Open letter #7.

Dear Charlotte Rae,

Tuesday, as all two NB readers know, is letter day here. Today, however, you may have noticed something a little different. Yes, this letter is addressed to Charlotte Rae instead of the usual al Qaeda. My therapist got very honest with me last week and told me he was a little worried about me writing letters to al Qaeda what with the Patriot Act and all (no, I'm not kidding). Of course, because I like my therapist, I'm now all paranoid and freaked out that the Pentagon will bust down the door to my apartment and haul me off to Guantanamo for sympathizing with the enemy. I do not want to be the new American Taliban, however sexy that is. So, the first person who popped into my mind after al Qaeda was Charlotte Rae (I'm also not kidding about that one). Charlotte Rae won me over at a young age with her charms, and I guess I see her as the antithesis to an organized, rapidly expanding terrorist organization. Hopefully the Pentagon doesn't have Mrs. Garrett on its Do Not Fly list.

Anyway, the main thing to report today is that a freezing and irresponsible homeless man may be my new hero. Yesterday, on the isle of Manhattan, a homeless man was trying to keep warm in the subway tunnels by lighting a small fire. Said small fire became a big fire and spread to a small room which housed a system of controls, relays and switches for the A and C subway lines. The fire completely destroyed the room and, with it, normal service on the A line and pretty much the C line all together. The A line is now running at 30-40% of normal capacity and the C line will return to service for three to five years. Yes. Three to five years.

So, Charlotte, why is this guy, who's still homeless, my hero? Well, the carriage house I so desperately wanted to live in is located on Ninth Avenue and 24th Street. The nearest subway line is the C-E. Now, granted, the E line is not affected, but it will be significantly more crowded because the C no longer exists. Those lines connect to the once-express A line at 14th and 34th Streets. Now, not only will the A not be express, but it won't show up very often. Two things I hate: crowds and waiting. Where I'm moving, the nearest subway is the N-R and 4-5-6. I will now have unchanged service to both the east and west sides. The A-C-E is not even in the picture for me anymore after this week.

So, to the investment banker who crushed my dream, I hope your livelihood depended on the A and C lines. Does this really make me feel better? Is this homeless guy really my hero? Let's say that being able to picture the investment banker, who probably works downtown where the fire was, getting all mad because some still-on-the-loose homeless guy fucked up his commute for the next three to five years does give me a bit of satisfaction. As does the fact that I won't need that line come next week. To all the other thousands of commuters, you have my sympathy.

Take care, Char. Love you in that Scissor Sisters video. Did John Cameron Mitchell force you to go to Doma with him to discuss his "vision"? Never mind.

Love,
Matt

P.S. Say hi to Conrad Bain for me.

Russell Crowe hates babies.

This gem is from MSNBC.com:

Russell Crowe is defending himself against reports that he couldn’t construct a baby carriage from Ikea because “the key thingy was impossible to use.” After the Sydney Daily Telegraph needled Crowe for the comment, the “Gladiator” star e-mailed the paper: “Give me a break. I am an antipodean male who runs 698 head of cattle. I do know the business end of a screwdriver. [The real story] was that one long screw was missing, so he modified the cot with a pocket knife to counter-sink a smaller screw to do the same job.

Color me sorry.

Sorry about that last post. Something snapped. Everything's OK now.

Today, arbiter of style, Better Homes and Gardens, provided its "Top Trends in Color for 2005." Here is the list, as provided:

1. Citrus Splash
2. Chocolate
   
3. Really Red
   
4. Harvest Hues
5. Think Pink
6. The New Blue
7. Warm Silver
8. Soft Greens
9. Black and White
10. Your Favorite Color

Here is the list interpreted:

1. Orange, yellow
2. Brown
3. Red
4. Gold
5. Pink
6. Blue
7. Silver
8. Green
9. Black and white
10. Anything not in the entire color spectrum
    

While you're shopping for your Soft Greens, remember, someone who wasn't you got paid to come up with that list.

All kinds of torture.

The Human Rights Watch today reported that imprisoned Iraqis are still being routinely tortured. To which, NB, a huge advocate of human rights, says duh. Apparently locking up one guy for ten years didn't stop it. One resident of Baghdad claimed that what's going on in Iraq now is worse than when the country was under Saddam Hussein's control. That may be going a little far, but as the U.S. did arm Iraq in the 1980s, we'll assume that what's going on is more or less the same as before. It's like a remake. Anyway, the president would like $80 billion more for his little escapade. According to NB's calculations, then, $7,626,559,556,608.60, which is the outstanding public debt as of January 25, 2005, plus $80,000,000,000 is something really fucking much. If this gets you down, just remember, you wouldn't want torture being done in your name to be anything less than top-of-the-line.

Oscar questions.

1) Why is Before Sunset nominated in the Best Adapted Screenplay category? From what was it adapted?

2) Why is The Phantom of the Opera nominated for anything?

3) Why wasn't Paul Giamatti nominated for Best Actor?

Awards fever!

Yes, as threatened, the Oscar nominations are out. But first, and more importantly, the 25th annual Razzie Award nominations have been named. The worst picture nominations are Alexander, Catwoman, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Surviving Christmas and White Chicks. Word is they're all pretty terrible, but, of course, one film is missing from that list. In any year, The English Patient should not only be nominated for worst movie but should also be named worst movie. Or, at least, the Razzies should qualify their nominations with "Worst Movie of the Year Other than The English Patient." Anyway, you get the point.

Now, onto the less exciting, though shinier, Oscar nominations! The majors will be listed below, along with a score representing just how well NB did in yesterday's predictions. And to get you all ready, here's the Official Poster of the 77th Academy Awards, apparently designed in 1986 by the makers of everybody's favorite card game, Uno.



Best Picture
The Aviator
Finding Neverland
Ray
Million Dollar Baby
Sideways

We got 4 out of 5. Apparently, the blacks and the kids tied. No Eternal Sunshine which is just fine. It means I sat through only one of these.

Best Director
Martin Scorsese
Clint Eastwood
Alexander Payne
Taylor Hackford
Mike Leigh

Again, 4 out of 5. They went with Mike Leigh instead of Marc Forster. Great. We loves the Mike Leigh and abortion.

Best Actress
Annette Bening
Imelda Staunton
Hilary Swank
Kate Winslet
Catalina Sandino Moreno (the Maria Full of Grace chick)

5 out of 5. Hot damn.

Best Actor
Don Cheadle
Johnny Depp
Leonardo DiCaprio
Clint Eastwood
Jamie Foxx

3 out of 5. Ouch. No Javier Bardem and no Paul Giamatti. I guess they wanted to get the whole humiliating Paul Giamatti-losing-to-Jamie Foxx thing over with early. This is a prime example of why the Oscars are laughable.

Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett
Laura Linney
Virginia Madsen
Natalie Portman
Sophie Okonedo (Hotel Rwanda)

4 out of 5. We missed the Okonedo chick. Obviously. Apparently they don't loves the Meryl Streep this year.

Best Supporting Actor
Thomas Haden Church
Jamie Foxx
Morgan Freeman
Clive Owen
Alan Alda

4 out of 5. Oldie Alan Alda beat oldie James Garner. Pretty much the same thing, anyway.

The rest of the nominations can be found here, though after the whole Paul Giamatti slight, try keeping a straight face whilst reading them.

English as an unbearable language.

A flyer was just posted on a door at my place of work. Said flyer advertised an upcoming Webinar, which resulted in English suffering another completely humiliating defeat.

In case you haven't been paying attention, English is losing a far-reaching, lengthy battle against marketers, presidents and other morons. You don't believe it? Take, for example...

• snail mail
• guesstimate
• Must-See TV
• scrapbooking
• deplane
• Ground Zero
• 24/7
• irregardless
• blog

And now, lest we forget...

• Webinar, as in, Please come down to the third-floor conference room for a Webinar regarding your lack of medical insurance. (Though, seriously, if it's some kind of new alcoholic beverage, let me know ASAP so I don't miss it.)
  

Hamming it up.

Apparently footless American Idol 3 loser Diana DiGarmo is available for Mustang convertible unveilings. What better way to introduce the world to your noisy, shitty car?

Tsunominally in trouble.

So NB missed this whole thing probably because it a) happened on Saturday, during the Blizzard of '05® and b) it involved a radio station, and what's a radio station? Anyway, the NYC radio station WQHT, or, Hot 97, features a morning show called "Miss Jones in the Morning." Last week, this show ran a self-produced parody of "We Are the World" targeting the recent tsunami disaster. The phrases "screaming chinks" and "little Chinamen" were employed as lyrics, and the Yonkers-based Asian Media Watch took the station to task for its "repeated racist attitudes." The station then posted an apology on its Web site and the show's seven-member staff agreed to donate a week's salary to tsunami-relief efforts.

So, for your perusal, enjoyment, horror, links to articles, apologies, screaming Chinks involved in this mess:

• The NY Post report, from Saturday's edition.
• The "Miss Jones in the Morning" official statement regarding the parody song.
• The song itself, which is preceded by an argument between the crew of the morning show and personality Miss Info, an African-Asian member of the show.

The bottom line is that, while NB thinks there's laughter in others' severe distress and pain, this parody song sounds like something a retarded two-year-old created whilst taking a bath with distracting floaty toys. It's horrifically terrible.

In summation, then, this one def goes to the Yonkers-based screaming Chinks and little Chinamen.

So close.

Christian Slater was apparently attacked by a knife-wielding gentleman in London last night. Slater escaped because his bodyguard fought the man off. Fucking bodyguard. Wait. Bodyguard? For reals?

Death support.

Sometimes Florida likes to take a break from executing prisoners and let those die who should be allowed to die. Congrats, Fla. Now back to teaching terrorists how to fly!

Desperation manifests itself in photos.

There's nothing of note right now, so here are pictures of John Mayer and Adam from Maroon 5 not just sucking, but sucking face.

Oscah picks.

OK, all two of you, it's time for NB's Oscar nomination picks! Tomorrow the nominations for the year's "best" in film are announced, and it's always semi-fun to try to guess what's going to triumph. OK, it's not fun at all, but, seriously, since we've already covered Carson dying, there's not much else out there. There's a new Bjork video featuring a cat, but the link doesn't work presently. Consider yourselves so lucky.

Anyway, since you haven't asked, here are the predictions:

Best Picture
Sideways
Million Dollar Baby
The Aviator
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Ray

Duh to the first three. The Academy always likes to pick one movie from early in the season, so ESotSM gets the vote, even though it's a loathesome movie. And Ray has blacks. You're saying, so does Hotel Rwanda. True. But Ray Charles died this year, and the Rwanda massacres happened under Clinton. As for Finding Neverland, this year the blacks trump the kids. Proudly, I've only seen two of these films and disliked one.

Best Director
Alexander Payne
Clint Eastwood
Martin Scorsese
Taylor Hackford
Marc Forster

Again, the first three are a lock. Hackford's directed a few other movies, so they'll throw him a bone for Ray. The Academy always likes to nominate one director whose movie is not up for Best Picture, so they'll give it to the Finding Neverland guy. Michel Gondry doesn't have a chance.

Best Actress
Hilary Swank
Annette Bening
Imelda Staunton
Kate Winslet
The girl from Maria Full of Grace

The first three are locks. Kate Winslet dyed her hair and looked frumpy, so she "worked." And the girl from Maria Full of Grace is the Academy's chance to recognize work in smaller movies, even if those movies are not worth recognizing.

Best Actor
Jamie Foxx
Leo
Paul Giamatti
Don Cheadle
Javier Bardem

Obviously Jamie Foxx will win for impersonation, though Paul Giamatti deserves it for acting.

Best Supporting Actress
Ginny Madsen
Natalie Portman
Cate Blanchett
Laura Linney
Meryl Streep

They loves the Streep.

Best Supporting Actor
Thomas Haden-Church
Clive Owen
Morgan Freeman
Jamie Foxx (Collateral)
James Garner (The Notebook—it came out last summer. You didn't see it.)

Blacks, oldies, black oldies, TV actors and a devastatingly beautiful man. A cornucopia of talent.

There they are. Feel free to add your own predictions and laugh at mine. And, remember, it's not what's best, it's what's shiniest.

Late-night loses an icon.

R.I.P. Carson. We'll miss you.

Quiz.

"Hi, my name is Matthew. My career peaked in the '80s and now I have an utterly useless Web site that takes up space on the Internet without providing anyone with any good information whatsoever."

Who said this?

a)Me
b)Matthew Modine
c)All of the above

Useful math.

Do you know what this calculates?



Click here to find out, though you may want to wait until after January 24, if you make it through January 24.

Missed connection.

Comedian/seriousperson Bill Cosby has been accused of sexual assault by a former Temple University employee. Cosby, a graduate of Temple, denies the allegations. His lawyer, whom Cosby might want to encourage to learn English, had this to say: "The allegation as I understand it, is utterly preposterous and bizarre, coming one year after it was supposed to take place."

Gained in translation.

This article, from China, features the most unfortunate headline of the week:

Dude, it's so America West.

It must be Friday, because the people over at Forbes.com are getting a little wild with the polling.

SpongeBob Hotpants.

The American Family Association today accused the makers of a new video starring SpongeBob SquarePants, Barney and other children's characters of promoting homosexuality. The video, which celebrates diversity, is for the nonprofit We Are Family Foundation, and a member of the AFA said, "A short step beneath the surface reveals that one of the differences being celebrated is homosexuality." That's actually a pretty good assumption—the We Are Family Foundation, as implied by its totally gay name, is a group that works to protect lesbian, gay and transgendered youth from homophobic groups like the American Family Association.

Anyway, if you'd like to tell the AFA just how you feel about this, their number is 1-662-844-5036 and the Web site contact page is here. And if just you want to fax them pictures of guys fucking, 1-662-842-7798 is your number. If you do contact them, I've already told them the best way to prevent homosexuality is to abort a child long before he/she can be affected by gay sponges, so you'll have to come up with your own argument.

Stardust.

NB is kind of proud of MSNBC this morning. They've compiled a list of the Top 10 overrated stars. The only problem is that the list is wrong. Ozzy Osbourne, Lorne Michaels and Arnold Schwarzenegger aren't really overrated as much as non-rated. Glaringly absent from the list is Tom Hanks, Robin Williams, Debra Messing and, of course, the reigning queen, Julia Roberts. And can we completely stop referencing Shatner all together? All that's gone on way too long.

Trouble.

Blogger is doing all sorts of unhelpful things, so there shall be no more posting today. Which is fine because there's not much to make fun of presently.

Just remember, come tomorrow, it will only be 3 years and 364 days until the privileged, uncurious, New England-educated, non-rehabilitated alcoholic and drug user who goes by "president" is out of a job.



Until then, consider yourselves fucked.

Hard work.

See? By ignoring it, it doesn't exist!

Yes, we're doing a really bad job at this "nonauguration" thing.

Anyway:
September 7, 2003: Bush asks Congress for another $87 billion to fund the occupation of Iraq.
September 17, 2003: Bush admits there is no evidence tying Saddam Hussein to September 11 attacks.

What's Portuguese for "Holy shit!"?

This 17-pounder was born in Brazil today:



The doctors have nicknamed him "giant baby." Come on—they're doctors, not writers! They didn't go to school for 32 years for creativity. You can read more about "giant baby" here.

Speaking of giant babies:
May 1, 2003: Bush issues an executive order shielding oil companies in Iraq from legal liability.

34 is less than 35!

Yes, this has to do with the prez. No, it can't wait. It's just too good. And depressing. And infuriating. And 34 damn good reasons to ignore what's going on today.

As well:
September 5, 2002: Bush presents “Healthy Forests Initiative” that would allow more logging of old-growth forests by limiting environmental impact reviews and public comment.

Define moderate.

Usually it's extremely comforting not to be a woman, what with the baby thing, the monthly thing, the lower-pay thing. But there are certain advantages.

Speaking of lower pay:
March 5, 2002: Bush submits a welfare-reform proposal that advises paying "workfare" recipients less than the minimum wage.

Four more years of hell.

Welcome to NB's Nonauguration Day edition, wherein we ignore today's inauguration for more important news, like this...

So what if this was announced yesterday. Apparently, folks, you can all sigh a collective breath of relief. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are reuniting for the first time since Speed in a film called Il Mare, which I think, roughly translated, means "crap." Not since Speed have such powerhouse acting and sparkling personality been assembled for a motion picture. Unfortunately, the film doesn't begin shooting until March, so, until then, you'll just have to stick a knife in your eye and twist.

And, fine. We'll do something presidential today, just so NB is not accused of being unpatriotic. Every post will feature a highlight of the president's first term. Enjoy!

January 23, 2001: George W. Bush reinstates the "global gag rule" barring U.S. funding for abortion counseling abroad. Happy anniversary, Roe V. Wade!

Dept. of Oh Now He's Fighting.

We appreciate the nay vote, JK, but where was this fire before November 2? Tomorrow could have been such an exciting day. As it is, it's yet another historical and spurrious waste of my money.

Stay tuned for NB's "Nonauguration Day" festivities, in which all the District hoo-ha is aggressively ignored and important news is highlighted. As we've learned from the president, if you ignore something, it doesn't exist. A good lesson, indeed.

Wunnerful! Wunnerful!

Because it's going to be a slow day here at NB, here's a post full of themed deliciousness...



It goes without saying that NB is a huge fan of Lawrence Welk and the Welk family. The DVR records the Saturday night showings, which are hosted by the still-living members of the Welk family. It's especially wonderful wonderful when the lovely JoAnn Castle treats us to a rip-roaring piano number and the not-gay Tom Netherton melts our hearts with his resonant baritone. Here, then, is a link to Welknotes, the largest Lawrence Welk fan site out there. It has pictures, stories, links to other Welk sites and more (if you can find it). Even before you start exploring, you're welcomed by the huge, flaming, Welknotes banner. Don't let it scare you—the fire seems to be because of the word "hottest" and probably has nothing to do with hell or gay. Enjoy!

As well, there are three Welk resorts in the United States. One is in Branson, Missouri, of course, and the others are in San Diego and Palm Springs, California. The Branson resort would be NB's first choice of Welk resorts to visit, or so it was thought until some research via the invaluable Trip Advisor was done. Perhaps, from these excerpts of two guest reviews, you'll notice a theme:

• When we arrived to our room, my 4 year old son pulled the curtains back to see the view of the swimming pool near our room which was 121, he backed away from the window and said "Daddy a snake", so I went to the window thinking the snake was on the grass outside the room between the window and the pool, wrong!!! As soon as I got near the window and pulled back the right side of the curtain the snake lunged to bite between and me and my son (unsuccessfull thank god) from where he was sitting on the window sill IN OUR ROOM!!!
• We got back to our room after 11pm and went to bed. In the middle of the night about 5 am I woke up to use the bathroom, I did not notice anything in there at first but as I was walking toward the door to leave I seen one of the 2 snakes turn around and move back the other direction, I freaked out there were 2 small snakes in that bathroom, they looked young but a snake is a snake and it scared the daylights out of me, my fiance he tried to ring the front desk but no person would answer, my guess is that they were probably sleeping on the job.
  

There's not a third of this ilk, which is really too bad, but there are only seven reviews. Still, another is titled, "Total Disappointment," so perhaps a trip to the Welk resort in Branson is not such a good idea. Still, there's nowhere in Branson closer to the Champagne Theatre, so if you're not afraid of snakes or total disappointment, check in!

Finally, enjoy this link to the Stars of the Lawrence Welk Show site. You can find out all sorts of information about your favorite Welk stars, including where they're performing and if they're still living. It's chock full of pics, too!

Court TV.

Why is this a)a major story on CNN and b)not being filmed?

Totally moved.

As the planning of my upcoming move may cause me to tie a rope to my neck and a light post and drive away, here are some moving horror stories to make me feel better. You can read them, too.

Omarosa what a beautiful morning.

The end times have begun.

Inspirational Joni.

This made the day so much better. A million thanks.

Queen of the Talentlesszons.

This little tidbit of an interview with Star Jones Reynolds went under the radar yesterday, or, at least, under my radar, which is a barely working 1973 Eastern bloc radar. Anyway, regarding the hosting of the E! red-carpet special, our newlywed and positive role model to women everywhere had this to say about working with Kathy Griffin (courtesy of MSNBC.com, courtesy of the Associated Press):

"Do not relate me to her coverage. I had nothing to do with her being there," Jones Reynolds said. "I'm not going to take responsibility for anything she said or did. It's so not me, it's not my style."

She's so right. It's so totally not her style. Her style is more, well...

"Do not say anything mean against Nicole. She is my queen of the glamazons."

Your ball, Griffin.

Idol chatter.

The queen of mindnumbing reality shows returns tonight with a two-hour premiere. Of course, you already knew this. But, before you give in, take a moment to reflect on the fact that just a few years ago, your life was just as miserable as when this show didn't exist (and, if you're Ruben Studdard, even less miserable). So maybe you should skip this tonight and perhaps take a walk or help a sick puppy or put a cat to sleep.

And, please remember, Clay Aiken is not gay nor does he want to talk to any gays.

Lights out.

When you live in Jersey, you have to be creative for fear of repetition.

Open letter #6.

Dear al Qaeda,

It's Tuesday! And what a day it's been so far. As I was leaving the PATH Station at Grove Street, some crazy woman actually pushed me aside purposely and said "excuse me." Obviously, I followed her and told her she bumped into me, to which she began yelling and screaming and calling me a man and that since I'm a man I should get out of the way even if it meant becoming one with the wall to my right. Well, she didn't say that last part because she didn't realize I had nowhere to go because she a)clearly was taking out her failed life on me and b)was crazy. Life has obviously dealt her a losing hand. I happened to be the pit boss today. Don't you love metaphors? What's a metaphor? You almost got me.

Also, my moving situation is, of course, awful. The current tenant in the apartment we're moving to will not return my calls, and the broker, who's been paid already, won't return my calls, either. I just called the landlord's company. It's my last hope. The call was short, albeit hopeful. Should everything get figured out this week, I won't name names. But if at this time next week, I'm still in this state of, well, terror, I'll make a list. I have no problem calling people out on their bullshit, especially if they have my money. If I knew the crazy woman's name, I'd so totally leave it here. Alas, I don't. But, if y'all are bored, judging by the way she was dressed and talked, she can probably be found at the receptionist's desk of some low-end shipping company.

So what else. The Golden Globes. Yeah.

Oh! One of my letters to you elicited a death threat! Someone said I was guilty of treason and if he/she saw me on the street, he/she would shoot me. Perhaps the crazy woman was a scout. Anyway, you can't imagine how excited that made me. It means my writing is affecting people, and, really, that's why I do it. Someone once said you can change the world but only one person at a time. Consider the world changed. Of course, you like to do it several thousand at a time, which, quite honestly, is a little much. Have you ever thought of just asking someone how he/she's doing rather than killing them? I think you'd be surprised to find out we all want things we can't have. Sure, it operates at different levels, but we're all miserable. Some of us just have access to pills that stifle the misery until it all comes out on, say, some random Saturday afternoon. I'm simplifying complex issues. I know. Easier just to kill.

OK. I have an US Weekly to catch up on. Maybe I'll do my Oscar picks later. I don't know. The thing is, the Iraq elections are coming up. But the Americans aren't leaving until they can train the Iraqis to fight the "terrorists" in Iraq. The Middle East much feel so much better that now that Saddam Hussein isn't killing Iraqis, we are. Better we do it, right? See? Democracy is spreading! That's what you get for attacking us! A puppet regime full of terror, some yours, some not yours. Basically, you really fucked things up for yourselves. I think that's my point. Before you change the world, think about the people you're dealing with and the change you'd like to make versus the change you actually might make.

Love,
Matt

P.S. The carrot cake at Taylor's in the West Village just gets better and better. You should really try some.

Foxxy.

Thank Christ for Ireland. They know important news when it breaks. Consider this NB's MLK day contribution.

Mediocre, at best.

In honor of that familiar level of non-achievement, here's a salute to mediocrity.

• This guy claims to be able to cure you of your "failure-itis." However, mediocrity and failure differ in that failure is occasionally noteworthy. He's clearly never had failure-itis.
• Here are a few quotes about mediocrity. They are mostly mediocre.
• Humanity Quest's page promises loads of information about mediocrity. It fails to deliver. I have submitted the location of my apartment to the "Maps" page.
• There seems to be tons of sports mediocrity, but fuck sports.
• Here's a Bill Kauffman article about "Cultivating Mediocrity." It's about mediocrity in terms of government-subsidized arts. Let us know if it's worth reading.
• For good to mediocre girl-on-girl action, check out this list of "Good to Mediocre films with Lesbian Themes/Scenes." Pervs.
  
• Finally, mediocrity personified.

Bad vibe.

There have got to be easier ways of prohibiting Alicia Keys from performing. And why can't this shit happen at the Golden Globes?

UPDATE
Oh no. Dr. Dre, can you help us?

Oh, Jew.

Apparently this is totally old news. Sounds about right. The "Themey Valley" and "Entertainers" sections are a hoot. And, if you've seen it before, no worries. I still get to post this picture.

Chocolate Chubby.

Not to shamelessly plug anything, but here's a shameless plug:

My friend's bakery opened in Red Hook this week. Go and enjoy! It's really good fatty desserts. And this week's New York Magazine, the one with Topher Grace all stressed out on the cover, approves. Maybe Topher needs to chill out with a spicy brownie. Yeah, he probably does. He's all stressed.

Globey round-up.

You all know who won and who didn't, and if you don't, you don't care, which is really, really great. The bottom line is that it was a grand night for olds, youngs, whites, a black, a wifekiller and Hilary Swank. In case you weren't totally bored by the onstage happenings, here's E!'s "Backstage Blog," which successfully answers the question: How can a person, in a press room with drunk celebs, not report on anything remotely noteworthy?

And where, oh where, was the death montage? The closest we got was Robin Williams's career retrospective.

Globetrotting 7:55pm

Wha??? Lisa Ling red carpet on NBC??? Johnny Depp just cracked a Carol Channing joke. He and Missy should do an act together.

OK. This impromptu "Globetrotting" special may be over, as the thought of watching the GGs in real time is terrifying. Enjoy.

Globetrotting 7:49pm

Where can you hear the line, "Your Cole Porter was next-level"? On E!

Missy just cracked another TV Guide channel joke. Stellar.

Globetrotting 7:43pm.

Teri Hatcher is wearing a custom-sewn dress by Donna Karan. Donna, leave the work to four-year-old Philippinos!

Hmmm. Jennifer Garner, despite back problems that caused her from pulling out of hosting SNL last night, looks mighty flexible.

Star Jones-Reynolds just took responsibility for coining the term "glamazon." Is she singing the E! Golden Globes "Living My Life Like It's Golden" theme song?

Globetrotting 7:25pm

Don Cheadle's wife is apparently wearing Penney's.

Portia de Rossi is Ellen-less.

Anjelica Huston has a chandelier around her neck.

Thomas Haden-Church is funny.

Emmy Rossum is young.

Original Fergie is there. Not sure about relevant Fergie.

Cate Blanchett is stunning. Why couldn't she have been in Closer like she was supposed to be?

Star Jones-Reynolds just told Natasha Richardson and Liam Neeson she'd meet them at Elaine's for "a drink." Bah ha ha.

Globetrotting 7:17pm

Whilst trying to find information on Robin Williams's extremely tan, extremely medicated son, this was found. J'adore Mme. Doubtfire.

Joan Rivers isn't even pretending to know who anyone is, especially the blacks.

Globetrotting 7:05pm

Emily Watson is not wearing underwear, according to Emily Watson and thanks to Joan Rivers. And Julian McMahon of Nip/Tuck totally just hijacked Medusa's interview with Joan Rivers, and Medusa turned McMahon to stone. He's drunk.

Jones-Reynolds just informed us that Ewan McGregor is "going to be Mr. Star Wars." Told you. No one saw those first two movies.

Fuck the scoring. Everyone everywhere is losing.

Globetrotting 6:57pm.

Tim Robbins just admitted he and Sue keep all their awards in a special Awards Bathroom. Totally awesome.

Celebs - +10

BUT, Jones-Reynolds just mentioned the Bathroom Incident® to Christine Lahti.

Celebs - —10

Globetrotting 6:50pm

Miranda Richardson is dressed as Medusa.

Now Robin Williams is mugging for Star Jones-Reynolds-Wrap and Joan Rivers just propositioned Racquel Welch.

Missy Rivers did just crack a joke about TV Guide channel's "six viewers." Good one.

E! - 2
TV Guide channel - 3
Viewers - —2
Celebs - —3

Globetrotting 6:42pm

Now that I've figured out how to use the DVR, it seems Star Jones-Reynolds is getting the celebs before Joan and Melissa. She probably threatened to eat them if they didn't talk to her first. This all begs the question, besides inmates at Abu Ghraib, who's being tortured most, the celebs or the viewers?

E! and Star - 2
TV Guide channel and Joan & Melissa - 1
Viewers - 0
Celebs - 0

Globetrotting 6:28pm

Star Zeta-Jones-Reynolds just said "brainfart" twice.

E! and Star - 1
TV Guide channel (though still frozen) and Joan & Melissa - 1

UPDATE
TV Guide channel not frozen. DVR on pause. Shut up. Still, the channel is kind of jumpy, so Star Jones-Reynolds may just be snacking on the satellite during commercial breaks.

Globetrotting 6:17pm.

WHAT is Virginia Madsen wearing? Apparently it's Calvin Klein and she's wearing it because it's "comfortable." Ginny, we know you're new to these awards shows, but you're not supposed to be comfortable. Duh.

Globetrotting.

It appears that Star Jones-Reynolds has eaten the satellite responsible for beaming the TV Guide channel to viewers worldwide, as the TV Guide channel is currently, at 6:06 EST, frozen on a random, non-Globe-oriented image. Way to go, Star!

E! and Star - 1
TV Guide channel and Joan & Melissa - 0

Psychicbabble.

Sylvia Browne (or "Brown" if you work at MSNBC.com), psychic, has made her predicitions for 2005. You know Sylvia—she's the one who predicted the Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt breakup on a Montel Williams show taped on December 8th but not yet aired.

Now, we wanted to see how her 2004 predictions held up, but, "surprisingly," a Google search turns up no straightforward information. Not only that, in some cases she had John Kerry winning the election and not in others. I'm no psychic, but I envision a reason for this information not being available.

Here are Sylvia's predictions for the next 100 years. Most enjoyable: "Third floor of houses have rollback roofs to allow Hovercrafts to come and go." It's about fucking time.

To sum up, then: much like southern hospitality, psychics don't exist.

Southern hospitbullshity.

The list of most-polite cities was released on Friday for the 28th year in a row by etiquette "expert" Marjabelle Young Stewart. The list is as follows:

1. Charleston, South Carolina
2. San Diego, California
3. Seattle, Washington
4. Peoria, Illinois
5. Omaha, Nebraska
6. The Quad Cities (which, apparently, count for one)
7. Hollywood, Florida
8. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9. Houston, Texas
10. Salt Lake City, Utah

The list seems mostly quite unremarkable. Most all the places seem innocuous and pleasant enough, and Phildelphia is, after all, the "City of Brotherly Love." HOWEVER...

There is no such thing as true southern hospitality, and if there is, it has yet to be experienced by me. Never in my time in the South was any Southerner sincerely and, more, honestly hospitable. Sure, on the surface it's all magnolias and tea and "We'd love you to stay for lunch," but once you're gone, you're torn to shreds (if it's not done subtly right in front of your face). The hospitality is an air, folks. That's it. An air. A tradition. A "this is how we're supposed to act" act. It's years of pent-up rage for losing the Civil War released as "effusive friendliness"—seething passive aggressiveness dressed up in a Jubilee Day gown with a sparkly tiara. So, Charleston, SC, you and your smoke and mirrors may have fooled this woman for the 11th year in a row...



...but you got nothin' on me, bitch.

And, furthermore, what the fuck is Hollywood, Florida doing on the list??? The only significant thing that's ever happened there was my birth. Other than that, it's a nasty speed bump between Ft. Lauderdale and Miami. Do people even live there anymore? Really? And, if they do, they're polite? There must be something in the gross, disgusting water. Anyway, congratulations to the rest of you. New York will always be the most honestly polite place in the country, and if you don't agree, you can fuck off.

Titanic.

To close the week, here's a link to NASA's Cassini-Huygens site. It features the pictures the Huygens spacecraft relayed from its landing on Saturn's moon, Titan. No, there is nothing funny about this. It's just completely, absolutely awesome. Be a dork, and visit the link. You may find yourself strangely enthralled.

And if this really is way too highbrow for you, enjoy.

But what happens if you lose your wallet?

Normally, space here would not be used to promote others' products because, obviously, fuck free advertising. However, this stuff is pretty inspired, mostly because those pointy things that go in the collars of nice shirts always get lost. By the way, that weird sign next to the numbers is a pound sterling sign, which means it's a British company, which means it's all really frickin' expensive.

RSVP at your earliest convenience.

Under the most wonderful MSNBC headline of "Prince Harry mulls Auschwitz invites," we get this:

Prince Harry, who provoked outrage by wearing a swastika armband to a private party, is considering invitations from Jewish groups to visit the Auschwitz death camp, a royal official said Friday.

Oh, sir, do say yes! It's just not a concentration camp without you!

Duty bound to warn you.

As long as we're talking about warnings and warning systems (see below), please allow NB to be your official Anthony-Minghella-is-about-to-direct-another-movie warning system. Even though The Talented Mr. Ripley was almost bearable due to Jude Law's understanding of acting, The English Patient remains one of the most outrageously overrated movies of all time. In fact, it's really the worst movie ever, but you already knew that. And Cold Mountain was not viewed, obviously. Anyway, the prospective piece of crap Best Picture nominee is called Breaking and Entering, and, apparently, it's not about what The English Patient did to my mind. Also, doesn't Minghella look a lot like Herbert Lom?

Breaking.

Wow. What a shocker. You mean, they actually like killing each other??? Nuh-uh.

And, consider this post the warning system for this warning system, Asia. How do you say "no, thank you" in Sinhala?

Disclaimer.

This is just to let all 1 of you know that there's actually real "work" to do today, so things might be slow around here. All apologies.

So Nellie.

There are no real words for this. Remember, 51% of you, you voted for this, you Pootie-Poots.

New music.

After what seems like an eternity of no new releases from bigger-named recording artists, the next few weeks hold some potentially good stuff in store, like...

January 25 sees the release of not one, but two Bright Eyes records, Digital Ash in a Digital Urn and I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning. How old is Conor Oberst now, 14? It's not in any way depressing that someone so young can make such intelligent music. And it's especially not depressing when he puts out two albums at once. Stereogum (who apparently won't link NB but no worries, dude, no worries) has "Landlocked Blues," a fantastic duet with Emmylou Harris, posted.



February 22 brings with it The Beekeeper, a new disc from everybody's favorite redhead crazy, Tori Amos. The nail seemed to be in the musical coffin with the trifecta of From the Choirgirl Hotel, To Venus & Back, and, most unfortunately, Strange Little Girls. But then Scarlet's Walk featured some very interesting yet accessible tunes, with "Gold Dust" being one of the best Tori Amos tracks since the early days. However, track titles like "Martha's Foolish Ginger" and "Hoochie Woman" are definitely cause for concern.



Also on February 22, Josh Rouse follows up the most excellent 1972 with Nashville. People have compared him to the Smiths, Belle & Sebastian, Nick Drake and others, though none of them quite applies. His music is definitely singular and full of wonderful, infectious melodies. And Nashville happens to be the name of one of the best movies ever made in the history of the universe, so it has to be good.

A new Loew.

Who's the worst person to be today besides any Iraqi, Sri Lankan, Indonesian, Thai etc.? Loews' chief counsel. So very sorry, dude or ma'am.

Evolution.

Every so often, a little ray of hope pokes through the dark, dark clouds. Though surely it will be appealed by the people who ardently believe there was a bush that was on fire and talked.

You're a Nazi, Harry!

Here's a list, thanks to Canada's CTV, of Prince Harry's other, non-Nazi, indiscretions, as well as a tidbit on the Nazi one:

• In 2002, revelations came out that Harry smoked marijuana several times and got drunk at parties (while underage) that he held at Prince Charles's Highgrove country estate.
• In October, Harry was involved in a brawl outside a London nightclub in which a press photographer was injured. The photographer contended that Harry lashed out at him without provocation.
• Last month, Harry came under fire for his relationship with Chelsy Davy—a South African whose father is a millionaire landowner and is reported to have links with Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe.
• Wednesday's incident occurred two weeks before the Queen is due to lead the country's holocaust memorial events. Queen Elizabeth is set to host a reception for holocaust survivors on Jan. 27 before attending the Holocaust Memorial Day national commemoration at London's Westminster Hall.

Regarding the Nazi incident, the Simon Wiesenthal Center has urged Prince Harry to "accompany the British delegation on January 27 to the Auschwitz death camp to commemorate 60 years since liberation." Sounds fair, but, please, Harry, for the love of God, don't suggest taking a train.

Why, um, see gay?

Yes, the most obvious wrong thing about this bit of news is that apparently it actually happened. Also questionable is the actual piece itself, in which a Washington Post writer coins and then italicizes the term "funkulum vitae," as if it's, say, French, and adds "humorous" editorial throughout. The bottom line is that it all adds up to something phenomenally disturbing. At least we're back to calling them Indians, though. Right?

Celebreality.

No, that's not a monster. It's Jacqui Stallone, Sly's mom! Apparently she's been the first person voted out of the celebrity Big Brother house. Obviously Europeans take their reality TV very seriously because, honestly, how could anyone looking for pure entertainment vote that off a show? Maybe she was the reason Germaine Greer walked. Ah, we'll never know. Damn you, Europe!



We Americans do, however, have a similar show in the form of the Surreal Life 4. Not that anymore needs to be written about it, but the first episode, when entirely viewed, proved surprisingly entertaining. There's a distinct chance it could surpass last season as the best season yet. Why? Let's see...

1) Jane Wiedlin
2) The scooter
3) No Ryan Starr
4) Peter Brady's shocking hotness
5) Joanie Laurer's unshocking stupidity
6) A tolerable "model" and a model who doesn't speak
7) No Ryan Starr

Vicious cycle.

If you live in the NYC, you have probably almost been killed by a taxi, SUV, Asian running for that seat on the train, or bicycle. Here, then, is the nyc.gov Web page dictating the official rules and laws for cyclists in the city. The one about not riding bikes on sidewalks is HI-larious!

Fringe benefit.

Part of the Dano Day festivities.

OK, it's late. It's true. And, yes, it's also kind of drunk. But as the grand finale to the completely underwhelming Dano Day celebration, here is the piece de resistance. Please note that it's only available in missy or plus sizes, missy! L.D., we love you! We want you to live!

And now that we're back to normal programming, enjoy.

No, not THAT Dano Day.

Part of the Dano Day festivities (but not that Dano Day).

The phones have been ringing off the hook, and everytime they're answered, loud Asian yelling emanates from the receiver. Initially it was thought to be enthusiasm over today's Dano Day celebration, but now things are clearer, courtesy of the Seoul Times. The article is, puzzlingly, written in the past tense, but maybe that's because, as of right now in NYC, it's from the future. NB would like to apologize and offer this picture of a Linda Dano kimono* as repentance for ignorance of foreign holidays.



*Available at QVC.com for $29.50. Comes in black and coral. 100% polyester.

Danobit.

Part of the Dano Day festivities.

Extensive research turned up this bit of Dano trivia, perhaps the most exciting piece of Dano trivia yet:

As a young actress, Dano worked with Tom Selleck, who was then an unknown actor.

More to come!

Danostyle.

Part of the Dano Day festivities.

It goes without saying that our Lin is an arbiter of style.



According to Lin, here are two things everyone should have in her (a guess—it's not specified) wardrobe:
1) a white tailored cotton shirt
2) and the perfect (make sure it fits!) black or at least dark simple, simple dress, sleeveless

And here are three articles of makeup that Lin highly recommends:
1)Dual-Finish Powder by Lancome
2) Lipstick
3) Mascara, and if you are very lucky, you have someone to put it on you every day (smile)

And, finally, from Lin's own Web site, her "Scene on the Street," though it's not quite clear what street or even what year. However, as NB is a stickler for the details, the complete title of Legally Blonde 2 is much appreciated:

In fashion we're all very influenced by what we see in magazines, television and the movies. This summer we will see a real trend back to the fashions of the 40's. Pink suits, pillbox hats and prim white gloves are featured in both Down With Love and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde.

This is your Lifetime.

Part of the Dano Day festivites.

Before she played Felicia Gallant on the now-defunct soap opera "Another World," Ms. Dano co-hosted a sublime talk show on Lifetime. It was called "Attitudes," and it featured guest stars, beauty tips, female talk and more, much like "The View" except more unintentionally funny than unintentionally annoying.

Here's a moment from an interview with Ms. Dano in which she reflects on "Attitudes":

"I loved 'Attitudes.' It was a great deal of fun and we talk about doing another one someday Wednesday night on QVC. I had a live audience and it felt like I was doing old 'Attitudes'—it was a lot of fun."

Totally.

Dano Day!

Today, January 12, is officially Dano Day here at NB! Linda Dano, author and television hostess, star and hocker of dickies on QVC, has long been an inspiration to the world, and it's time to give back to the lady who gives her all. Throughout the day, tidbits of salutation will be posted to honor the stylish doyenne, and though it may look like a memorial, Linda Dano is very much alive! Thus, Linda, we pay tribute...

Attitudes.

Last Friday, as all one of you may remember, a "dickie of things to come" was posted. Whence go thee? you may have asked yourself. Tomorrow, Wednesday, January 12, please join us here at NB for the first of hopefully three or four theme days, wherein the entire NB day is devoted to one person/place/thing. And, no, it's not going to be a day full of dickies! Here's one more hint...



Yes, it's a dickie, but it's so hard not to post pictures of dickies! Stay tuned...

Mini pearls.

New from Apple today, this and this. They're so little! And fast! And cheap! But, remember, they're Apples, so be sure to buy that extended warranty!

Here are some more pics, courtesy of Gizmodo.

Set to vibrate.

This is what happens if you search for "dildo" at Drugstore.com. See, isn't this much better than news about Iraqi prison torture or a new Homeland Security chief applicant who was instrumental in impeaching Clinton? Hells yeah it is! Oh, oh, oh, and if you spend $49 or more at Drugstore.com, you get free three-day shipping! War? What war?

Gryffindeath.

In this month's superb issue of the Atlantic, the lovable John Sellers compiles a list of the odds of who may get it in the upcoming Harry Potter and the Blah Blah of Bloopie Bloo. Yes, there are waaaay more intelligent and important articles in the issue, but morbid speculation on poor man's Tolkien is really what matters most.

Angry inch.

So, the Surreal Life 4 has begun. Apparently it's a gas, but not more than 10 minutes have been experienced thus far. A helpful poster on Television Without Pity has brought to light something utterly disturbing. Yes, ex-wrestler Chyna is completely horrifying, but one look at these very-not-safe-for-work images should scar you for life. My guess is that it's either the result of a bad operation or, more likely, an insane amount of steroids. Or both.

Look at your own risk. Have a glass of water or a shower nearby. And don't say you weren't warned.

I loves me job!

Here's a list of the 100 best companies to work for, according to Fortune magazine. As if "work" and "best" can co-exist in a single sentence. Bah ha ha. And of course your company is not on it, silly!

(Fortune.com is a subscriber site (duh), so if the link does not work, go to bugmenot.com for the subcriber number. Or don't, and spend your time volunteering at a soup kitchen, which is really what you should be doing if you're not working for your non-Fortune-approved job.)

Oh, here's the link to #1 company Wegman's' application page, in case you're in need of employment and have always wanted to work in a supermarket.

I can spell in a bell.

For the love of God, people, Dr. Seuss' name is spelled S-E-U-S-S. The "e" precedes the "u," because if it didn't, it would be pronounced "Doc-tor Soo-ess," and it's God damned not.

But if the gays pay taxes...

Just because Florida looks like a giant penis...



And lots of crap there is pink...



It doesn't mean you can get married if you're gay. AND you'll have to wait a bit longer if you want to adopt children. Yes, kids, that means you'll also have to wait a bit longer in your Addison Mizner-designed orphanage. It really is a hard-knock life!

Open letter #5.

Dear al Qaeda,

Well, it's Tuesday, so it's time to catch up. There's not that much to report on my end this week, and it sure doesn't look like there's much to report on your end, either. The good news is that the Pentagon hasn't contacted to me to ask me why I'm writing letters to you. Maybe they do have a sense of humor after all! Hold on, the phone's ringing...

Anyway, I was thinking. I have to commend you for taking responsibility when you destroy peoples' homes, lives, families etc. You even claim destruction that you had no hand in, though I do think it was very wise of you to let the tsunami and mudslide go. There are things even mere mortals are not capable of. But, in comparison, our president, when he destroys peoples' homes, lives, families etc., doesn't even admit he's doing it! Can you imagine?! He just wreaks havoc and then tells us everything's going fine. And, as you probably know, our media is totally compliant. The thing is, the conservative government basically owns the media, because Republicans like to give huge tax breaks to corporations, and corporations like the tax breaks because it's money! The puzzling thing is the government then spends the money that's been handed out to said corporations on destroying peoples' homes, lives, families etc. that's apparently in my country's best interest if it were even happening in the first place, which, I'm told, it's not. You probably already know all this, but I'm just making a point.

The bottom line is that I haven't been to therapy in two whole weeks, and there's a lot building up inside. Yes, therapists do go on vacation, too. Frankly, I'm crossing my fingers that my therapist didn't go to Sri Lanka, but I suppose I'll find out later. I'm kind if hoping if he did, he 1)survived and 2)bought me an "I Went to Sri Lanka and All I Got Was This Stupid Tsunami" T-shirt. That's a long shot, though, 'cause therapists don't buy their patients gifts. At least mine doesn't. Which is good, because as I told him at the beginning, I want a therapist, not a friend.

Well, I have a long day ahead of me. I'm working till 5. Then I have therapy at 6. Then I teach from 8 to 10:30. Tomorrow I have to pack up a bunch of stuff for the move. We hired the movers. Everything seems to be progressing normally. It's all just a gigantic headache.

Feel free, at any point, to drop me a line. I know this week's communcation isn't the most thrilling, but there will be better letters in the future. I won't give up. You terrorizing nomads intrigue me. Though, come to think of it, you probably lost a bunch of members in Indonesia. Well, sometimes nature will do what an inept president can't.

Hugs and kisses,
Matt

P.S. Leave Dubai alone. I'm dying to go to the Burj al-Arab.

Virgin mudslide.

Somebody's pissed. Since our president apparently has a direct line to God*, could he find out just what the fuck is going on? Oh wait, the guy likes when things get uncontrollably fucked up. My mistake.

*Capitalization does not reflect the views of the staff.

Clearly.

This was just taken.

This is what ensued:
You got 5 out of 12 correct. (41.7%)
You have clearly been doing your Star and Al homework!

Jesus. What happens if you get 100%? Feel free to report back, as a repeat testing is so not happening.

Before/After.

On a serious note, there's this. There's nothing funny, ironic, gay about it. It's only here because these before/after images are absolutely worth viewing.

In other official news, there's this. You can decide for yourself which of the above is more important. Truth be told, it really is good to know that Brit and Chrissie are pens pals again.

That's some opening.

MSNBC.com reports on opening arguments from the Abu Ghraib prison scandal trial:

In his opening arguments, Womack defended stacking naked prisoners and the use of tethers, shown in other photos taken at Abu Ghraib, as legitimate prisoner control techniques.

"Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year. Is that torture?" he said.

Exactly. Here are two pictures. One is of an actual cheerleading pyramid, and one is of an Iraqi prison torture pyramid. And, honestly, if you can figure out which is which, you have a moral duty to alert the government.

Not for epileptics or the easily risible.

Courtesy of lovely Screenhead, we get this gem. Apparently it's an instructional video, but when the unusally ominous music kicks in and everyone gets up to boogie, it sure doesn't seem like much was learned. To be fair, it is hard to tell with all those flashing lights.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Gay, gay, gay!

Here are definite qualifications for definitely being gay:

1)Looking unbelivably good all the time.
2)Starring in a musical about Peter Allen and winning a Tony for it.
3)This item, which is comprised of many gaylets adding up to, of course, one big gay.

The terror vs. a terror.

Not to be completely outdone by the Tsunami®, 9/11® reappears in the headlines and with exclusiveness. Very fancy, 9/11. Your play, the Tsunami.

Four stars.

Deciding on which video of tsunami death and destruction to watch is much like planning that perfect vacation or searching for a new carriage house. For instance, the sixth clip on the linked page is described as "Tsunami, Sri Lanka, Resort." It sounds pretty good, but we definitely want a pool. No worries. Clip #3 advertises "Tsunami, Sri Lanka, Pool." Perfect!

Happy hunting!

The future has passed.

We have officially begun regressing. Hope you still remember how to use those gills.

Observing the help.

Brini Maxwell and Carolyn Keptcher—the same man?

Fridays are the new Fridays.

Have a nice weekend, all 1 of you. Remember, Alberto Gonzales says torture is A-OK, as long as you're the torturer and not the torturee.

Here's a peek at what's in store for next week...



A dickie of things to come.

"An utter waste of time."

Here's a link to Jonathan Rosenbaum's 2004 best-of movie list. He's the chief film critic for the Chicago Reader, and his year-end lists are always a good time, partly because he usually rails against the popular pick for best movie of the year, in this case, Sideways, and also because most of the movies he enjoys no one's ever heard of. It's a spirited education, really. Unfortunately, there's no worst-of, but you kind of get the idea that he didn't like Sideways.

Maybe now they just want to be left alone.

Let this be a warning to you the next time you're thinking about causing a tsunami.

In the clearing stands a Boxer.

While all the other Democrats, including my own Senators Schumer and Clinton (I'm still waiting for a response to my letter regarding your endorsement of the Iraq resolution, Hill. That was the one in which I said I was leaving the Demcratic party until y'all started 'splainin' just what the hell y'all were thinking. Needless to say, I grow more and more Independent each day.) roll over and let Americans' rights be crushed like little, insignificant bugs, Barbara Boxer actually tries to fight for what those who elected her believe in. Of course, because the Democrats now control no branches of government, it's an utterly losing battle, but it would be nice if one other Democratic senator helped the woman. Shame on you all.

Remember 9/11? The 2000 and 2004 election days were bigger travesties. But when something abstract dies, it doesn't have a shelf life, as there are no tragic images to be replayed over and over. That ONE person of 75 ELECTED officials realizes the consequences of those elections is completely horrifying and depressing. At least it's not 0 people. I guess.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming of mindless commentary. It's just so much easier.

Daily request.

Please, recording artists, no more instrumental tracks on pop albums.

Speaking of throwing up.

This makes all other assholes look like mere semi-assholes. When the judge hands him his walking papers, as there's a 67% chance he will, he should be forced to lick centipede mousse from Joe Rogan's leathery body.

(By the way, an Infospace search only found three unlisted Austin Aitkens, none of whom are 49, so, in order to send this guy horribly offensive emails, you'll have to find him yourselves. Sorry.)

Carter beats the mattress.

A sign of the apocalypse, maybe? Or just lots of flaming things?

Senioressence.

The two best pop records of 2004 were released by people in their 60s. And, amazingly, the chick sounds better than ever. Nice work, you two. You almost make it OK to get old.

Cats in the hats.

If only dressing them up actually made them more tolerable than rats and pigeons.