And a Rudy in a pear tree.

Our friend Tim yesterday was all, “You gots to updates your blogs.” And we were all, “You try living with the fallout of having a steam pipe explode in front of your building and imagining you’re going to die with YOUR OFFICEMATES.”

However, because we like Tim, we’re updating today with a special “Christmas in July” post! We proudly bring you all five parts of Andy Williams’s NBC Kids Christmas Special in which you’ll enjoy Andy’s holiday shenanigans with Soleil Moon Frye, Tempestt Bledsoe, Joey AND Matthew Lawrence, Alfonso Ribeiro and… Mindy Cohn (among others)!

Pour yourself a frosty mug o’ egg nog, kindle some wood in the fireplace and relive some fantastic memories of a time when NBC made true Must-See TV®. Merry Christmas!

Diary of a mad actress.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. In the mid 1980s, James Kirkwood, one of the book-writers of the musical A Chorus Line, wrote a play called Legends!, a comedy about two aging film legends reunited to help finance a producer's movie. The parts were played by Carol Channing and Mary Martin, and after the play flopped out of town, Kirkwood wrote a book, Diary of a Mad Playwright, chronicling the backstage antics of the two ladies. (The book, though about as well-written as Legends!, is still definitely worth reading if only to get a picture of two legendary old broads misbehaving.)

This year, Joan Collins and Linda Evans starred in a touring revival of the play. Though Kirkwood passed away in 1989, Collins apparently took it upon herself to keep her own backstage diary of the current production, which the UK's Daily Mail has so graciously printed excerpts of here. We could post the Linda-Evans-effacing highlights, but that would mean you might not read the other parts, which are also Linda-Evans-effacing highlights. Rather, pour yourself a flute of champagne, click on the above link, put on your best Alexis Carrington voice and read aloud the scintillating, saucy ramblings of a self-regarded legend.

Development.

Oh, and please enjoy this website (starring our new fake boyfriend, Michael Cera (hey—he's legal!)) and the glories therein.

Rough.

After all this time, it turns out it's not dog.

We feel pretty tonight somewhere.

You could combine Cher's defunct gothic tchotchke catalog, "Sanctuary," with her entire Bob Mackie wardrobe, and the result still wouldn't even come close to being as breathtakingly gay as what's below. Enjoy!

Old clips bite tenderly.

Happy July! It's 7/7/07, and because people seem to care about that, we decided to post. What do we have for you today? Unfortunately, it's nothing that involves Bea Arthur or original songs about a national tragedy. However, because we missed posting on Independence Day, we thought today we'd do a better-late-than-never tribute to July 4, 1776, the day on which we so proudly claimed our independence from Japan. You may have seen some of these truly inspired clips on other, more...active, sites, but, really, does human Tetris really ever get old?

Iiya.

The little dog laughed.

Three posts in June?!?!? It's true! This one we're a little late with, but we think you'll find it was worth the wait. In case you missed the travesty (both clothes-wise and everything else) that was the 61st annual Tony Awards (and chances are if you're human, you did), here's your 6.5-minute makeup session. When you're done, come join us at the Olive Garden; we'll be sitting with Donna Murphy's people.

Spelled out.

Please join us, 3,285 Bunsen burners and one tablecloth that was pulled off the table without upsetting any of the dishes or silverware, for a moment of silence.

It's more than you plus me plus infinity.

We now proudly give to you three-and-a-half minutes of NBC's 60th Anniversary Celebration that takes the two hours of Dreamgirls, puts it in a half-nelson and doesn't just choke it, but rips its head off.

No. Seriously.

All of us, victims.

Well, hello! It's true—we haven't written in nearly a month. It's also true that that's not likely to change. However, while we may have taken a break, the world certainly hasn't. And, while we have no idea what's going on in said world because we no longer have the luxury of a workless workday to peruse the onlines, we still occasionally do come across a diamond in the rough. Or, in this case, diamonds in the rough. Well, actually, they're not really diamonds. They're more like pieces from Lainie Kazan's QVC collection.

The point is, you probably thought not much could be more horrific than last month's terrible tragedy at Virginia Tech. We're here to proudly tell you you would be wrong. Very, very wrong.

Without further brouhaha, then, please enjoy Nervous Breakdown's Tribute to Tributes to the Victims of the Virginia Tech Massacre. We begin with our favorite and proceed from there in order of favorite finally ending with our favorite. Peace be with you.

Allow us to explain.

No, we're not dead, nor have we forgotten about you. We're between jobs and enjoying the glorious time off. How do we feel exactly? Kind of like this...

Lil Spizzy.

It's not truly spring in New York City until banners announcing Spiderman Week NYC pop up on lampposts all around Washington Square. After all, April showers do bring May movie tie-ins! We visited the official SWNYC Web site to find out more information about what exactly we would not be attending and were almost finished when we spotted this:

IT'S A RAP: CLOSING NIGHT CELEBRATION
THE APOLLO THEATER
www.apollotheater.org
Sunday Only
The Apollo will host the Spider-Man Week in NYC closing-night celebration. Urban poets from the five boroughs will compose original raps about Spider-Man and his many adventures. The winner takes home a Sony Bravia™ TV.

Obviously, this little nugget made us reconsider our whole non-attendance plan. "Urban poets" composing original raps about Spider-Man and his many adventures?!?! Um, color us there! Well, color us possibly there. Honestly, there's a 2% chance we'll go to that. Fine. 1%. Er...someone's going to film it and put it on YouTube, right? Because, really—we'd hate to miss something like that.

Hey!

Someone at Ubuntu is very clever gay.



(Pic courtesy of Rich.)

Reality check.

OK. We just have to say that this "cycle" of Top Model is proving to be one of the best evah, and the reason for that can be summed up in one word:

WHOLAHAY.

Oh, and Whitelle. And NeNe, Moe, Nata, etc. Dionne was already becoming our most fave, and "Wholahay" obviously sealed the deal. And Tyra's Wholahay rechristening of "Brown" made us fall off our chairs and knock over all 36 half-empty champagne bottles on our coffee table*. And that wasn't even taking into account Brittany's Pippi-Longstocking-on-meth weave or Melrose's cameo as "name consultant."



Nice work, Ken Mok. Nice work, indeed.

And, as we may have mentioned earlier this year, we weren't planning on watching American Idol, but we most certainly are. Sanjaya was fun for a few weeks, and, of course, we are still voting for him. We think it's very unfair that the judges don't even critique him anymore—they're the ones who put him there, after all. For shame, Paula, Randy and Simon.

No, now we're absolutely enthralled because we loves some Chris and Blake. Those boys are somethin' special! The secret to keeping the love for them alive is to turn the channel when each sings, talks or moves. Simple! Oh, and also to join the Blake fan club. So, how 'bout you follow our lead and be a Blaker Girl, too?



And of you have no idea what any of the above means, what exactly are you doing with your life?

*We don't have a coffee table. We live alone in NYC. We don't have any table.

Stick with Tab.

Two posts in one day!?!? What is this, December? Well, we found this over on the DL, and, well, er, um, uh, hmm, erm...

"The View" from here.

Ugh. So American Idol was passable last night. Except that how did a song from a James Bond flick and "As Long As He Needs Me" from Oliver! become part of the British Invasion oeuvre? That's like us singing "Dancing on the Ceiling" on Sheila E. night. Which we plan to do. Oh—we have Sheila E. night the fourth Thursday of every month. But everyone has to bring his own drum kit.

The point is, The View has unveiled its new spring '07 mug!



This Warhol-meets-UNO monsterpiece can be yours for a generously overpriced $15.95. If you order this week, you can pick up the mug and the new View tote for only a mildly overpriced $20.90. But don't fret! Once you check out, ground shipping is $7.95 which brings the total to a generously overpriced $28.85. PHEW! We just ordered ours—look for us carrying around our View mug collection in our new View tote at a park near you this summer.

ADDENDUM:
Sorry sorry sorry! We disparaged Idol as if nothing memorable happened. Obviously we forgot about Crying Ashley. We're searching for a pic, but we have yet to find one. If you didn't tune in, imagine a blubbering starstruck eight-year-old girl's teary face on your high-definition screen every two seconds. That's Crying Ashley. And it was doubly uncomfortable and awkward (read: totally entertaining) because it happened mostly during Sanjaya's Kinks number. O, gods of television, we owe you.

ADDENDUM ADDENDUM:
Ladies and gentlemens, Crying Ashley...

Fat ice.

We're totally repulsed by erotic fan fiction (no, we don't want to read about Frodo seducing Gandalf the Gray OR White), but when erotic fan fiction features Tonya Harding and is hosted by Tonya's official Web site, well, then, we're...um...totally repulsed.



(via I have a hate on)

Cover it up!

Here's something for the weekend:

There's going to be a musical of Mask. No, not The Mask. Mask. As in Cher, Sam Elliott and Eric Stoltz. By Brill Building songwriting team and composers of "You Lost That Loving Feeling," Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil. All directed by crapmaster supreme Richard Maltby Jr.

That is all.

America, America, this is you.

This is the first and will probably be the last time we post about it this season, but we really have to take a moment to give special recognition to this year's American Idol. Not since Pink Lady and Jeff has there been such a varietal CRAPFEST being beamed into the homes of millions of viewers. The sheer power of this season's dearth of anything resembling talent has caused us to wholly reconsider our viewing tendencies. Meaning, we so weren't interested in watching this time around, and now we so are. Sorry. We SUH are.

Obviously reason number one is this...



Boy, can this girl not sing! Or dance! Or just stand there! It's ALWAYS awkward. Which is why we voted for her about 10 times Tuesday night (and we don't call anyone anymore). We plan to see Miss Malakar through till the end. Or at least until she has to do a Gwen Stefani number. Wind it up, indeed!

Reason number two? This...

Oh, sorry. There would have been a photo of the entire group of finalists here, but FOX's American Idol Web site is perhaps the least user-friendly site not made by a 52-year-old man sitting in his underwear on a Tuesday at 3:27 p.m. while Judge Judy plays loudly in the background. So, we're not scouring that site for a pic (nor are we linking you to it—you're welcome!). We'll just say that the other remaining 10 are not much more talented than Sanjaya. And, yes, that includes Kiki and Doolittle. Sure, those two are better than the rest, but you could throw a Cheetoh off our roof and hit five more talented people than either of those two girls. And, yes, that does include the homeless man who sits in front of the Minetta Garage and with his legs hidden so we think he's just one of those torsos.

Reason three...



Oh, girl. If you're going to take a five-minute entrance during which your name is emblazoned on a giant LCD screen while your past hits are played and sung by a band and other singers, you BEST practice walking in those giant red platform heels you insisted on wearing. Oh, and also? Being able to sing would be good, too. Seriously, Miss Ross, we love you, but wethinks it's over. You kind of made Sanjaya look like a musical genius. Listen—it's totally FINE if you just make a quick entrance, say a few thank-yous and take a seat. We're TOTALLY with you. Truth is, Di, you've never been a great singer, so, you know, it's OK to rest on your laurels and just allow a new generation of mediocre talent to take the torch. And by "torch," we mean "distracting red boa."

The point is, we're not actually complaining. We completely approve of all this garbage that FOX is foisting upon us this spring. But we just had to point out that as long as it continues (and with 11 talentless individuals, how could it not?), we'll continue watching. Either you're very clever, FOX, or you're stupider than we ever imagined. Whatever it is, damn you. And congratulations.

Our Birdland debut.

Just so you know — and your children will someday know — tonight we will be performing at NYC's legendary Birdland as part of a show called Speakeasy. According to this article on Playbill.com, the show will feature the songs of John Lennon, Joni Mitchell, Rufus Wainwright and Stephin Merritt. That is 0% correct. Tonight's show will feature songs in the style of those people. Well, kind of. Well, not really.

ANYWAY, we're playing two of our original hits with the magnificent Michael Conley and a full band. So, you should totally come out if you have $35 and a desire to see Malan from Project Runway sing Charlie Chaplin's "Smile." No, as much as we'd like to be kidding, we're not.

Here's the info:
Birdland is located in Manhattan at 315 West 44th Street. There is a $25 cover charge and a $10 food/drink minimum. Call (212) 581-3080 for reservations.

Awesome.