OK, so Gawker brought this to our, and probably your, attention, but it's really just so unbelievably priceless that we had to excerpt a few of our favorite bits. What you need to know is that two southern belles decided to go on a trip to NYC, and one wrote her own tour guide for a site called Juicee News.
Here are the girls, Paige (the authoress) and Shelley:
Now, before we quote from the guide, please understand that the NB adores visitors to NYC (except for those who talk during shows). No, really, we do. We think NYC is muy fantastico, and we think everyone should experience being harrassed by a hobo in Nikes at least once in his or her life. The city thrives on tourism, so we welcome visitors. If we choose to avoid you, do not take it personally.
That said, here are our favorite Paige DeAngelo tour guide bits:
"I recommend [Central Park] as a place to go when you have nothing else to do. A great place for alone time."
"A good place to eat is Tavern on the Green."
"Chelsea was one of my favorites areas in the city. There is a lot going on and not too many tourists. The buildings are my favorite. The architectural aspect of them is amazing!"
"The West Village is my favorite! I thought it was very clean and not sketchy at all."
"There is a great bakery on Bleeker called the Magnolia Bakery. All they have are cupcakes. And it's across from a little playground that has benches for you to sit on while you stuff your face with cupcakes. This is an area where you could spend many days. So much is going on. But it is not like FRIENDS. Don't let that fool you."
"I didn't make it to Little Italy. But I hear if you want great pasta, it's the place to go. I didn't go to China Town either. It just didn't seem appealing. But, I hear they have some really good Green Tea ice cream."
"I got to sit on the front row of Chicago. A great show, very simplistic. They wear the same costume, and carry any props they use."
"In closing, there are a few things that one most posses in order to look like a local in New York (I only had one of the items). Number One: a black winter coat. If you wear anything that is not black, navy, gray, or brown, you will be seen for blocks. Number Two: an iPod. On the subway, 1 out of 2 people has one. My favorite thing to do was get as close as possible without scaring the other person, to hear what they were listening to. I heard lots of rap. And Number Three: a dog of some breed."