Worst sex ever.

FemaleFirst is reporting on a survey conducted by Empire magazine to determine the top ten least raunchy sex scenes in movie history. The winner was Kyle Maclachlan and Elizabeth Hurley's pooltime rendezvous in "Showgirls," which we thought was actually pretty raunchy, just in a hilarious way. Also guilty were Keanu Reeves, Jeremy Irons, Joan Collins, J-Lo and, of course, the woman guilty of every acting offense known to civilized man, Madonna Louise Cher Ciccone Zeta Jones Reynolds.

Three-point turns are so last century.

Why waste all that pesky time turning around when you can look like an asshole instead?

iWant you.

For a limited time, if you join the US army, you can save $2.97.

Hot 'n' cold.

Here are some pics of Mary-Katherine and Ashley Olsen slowly emerging from a building in NYC. We're guessing because of the open-toed shoes these pictures are from over the summer. Probably. But is Ashley wearing a mink? Maybe they're from today, as it is about -30 in NYC. But no, Mary-Kate has a short bedrunner on, so it's probably warm. But she also does have drapes, so maybe she's cold. But they have sunglasses on, so it must be warm. But they always wear sunglasses, so maybe it's cold. Ugh—this is so confusing. The only definite conclusion we can draw from these pictures is that they are totally hilarious.

Are you new?

Hey, lady, that's what happens when you marry an insane lunatic.

TV idols.

According to People.com, these are fall's top sexy TV guys (this is probably old, as Mathew St. Patrick of "Six Feet Under" is number 5, but stay with us). We do enjoy the Stuart Townsend and the Matthew Fox plenty, but number 2 Bradley Cooper is our cup of coffee! Get on the Men of "Rome" calendar, Bradsy! You can take one of Ray Anderson's months. Maybe April. Or September. Your choice, dude.



Now, you may remember from a parenthetical statement a few lines ago that we said "stay with us." The aforementioned sexy men post led us to People.com, where we found this. Please sit down before clicking. And make sure your mouth is not full of water or Red Bull or whatever.

A.K.A. kind of awesome.

We would just like to congratulate the makers of TV's "Alias" for last night's episode in which the totally unwatchable Mia Maestro, who played Sydney's ultimately bullet-ridden and zombified, yet still-alive, half-sister last season was not mentioned by anyone except Sloane and only briefly. It went something like, "How's Nadia"? to which Jack responded, "OK" or something. Whatever. Her half-sister and boyfriend hilariously didn't ask about her at all, hopefully meaning we won't have to see her anymore. We're TOTALLY fine with that.

Also, we won't have to see someone else we were getting really sick of. We don't want to spoil anything, but his name rhymes with "cycle tar can." He did manage to survive a bazillion shots at close range by an Uzi, but only so he could whisper words of love from his hospital bed. Fine.

And then we got a brief introduction to Elodie Bouchez's bad-ass French supahspy character. She'll basically become Jennifer Garner as Jennifer Garner gets pregnanter, to which we say, HURRAH!

Damn. This might get good again. All they need to do is get rid of Garner completely and call it something else. We really can't take someone married to Ben Afflecks seriously.

Rome, and we want to.

Dear HBO,

Please add to your sorely understocked Shop Rome page a Men of "Rome" calendar featuring these four men...









...repeated three times each. And please make Brutus May. Or Mark Antony. Or Vorenus. No, Brutus. No, Antony. Either Brutus or Antony. We don't know!!! Just do it. NOW.

Love,
The very influential and important NB

Diamond in the rough.

Onetime NB supervisor Tim writes to tell us about this important 2006 project: it's a film called The Night of the White Pants. No, it's not notable because Nick Stahl plays guitar in it or because it has the worst title of anything ever—it deserves a post because the woman playing the sure-to-be-pivotal role of Aunt Lolly is none other than...

Cousin Geri!

That's right... Geri Jewell of "The Facts of Life" and more recently "Deadwood" fame is hitting the silver screen next year. AND, she's co-starring with none other than Janine Turner, charming Maggie of "Northern Exposure" fame and evil Republican of real life. This is very exciting news, and we can't wait to illegally download the film and fast-forward to Ms. Jewell's Aunt Lolly scenes. For those of you who can't wait for a Jewell fix, why not stop by the Diversity Shop and order Cousin Geri's motivational concert, "Same Walk, Different Streets"? It's only $69. $69??? We just did a cousin spit-take.

Patatas!

"Mama, I want patatas!"

"But, honey, I no have time to make patatas now!"

"But mama, I want patatas now!"

"But, honey, I no have time to make patatas now."

(Man enters with enormous box)

Wife and daughter, do no worry no more! Papa is here with patatas!

Hooray!

Voting judges and judging voting.

Two choices:

Find out how your senators voted in the confirmation of John Roberts as the new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (good luck with that, everyone!)...

...OR...

Read TVGasm's recap of last night's middling episode of "America's Next Top Model." It includes some of the before/after makeover pics. Here's Lisa's...



We LE-OVE Lisa. She's all "I so know more about modeling than any of these girls," and the judges validate her continually. And she's bananas-looking. Some girl called Ebony was voted off last night so they could string along the fat one for a few more weeks just to pretend she, and any other fat girl in America, has a chance at succeeding. Oh, girls, look...

NB-Mail!

Tyra, be ready at now to cut off the dead twig from your tree of glamor and plant something to make the forest fiercer!

Tiddybitties.

IMDb provides us with some fun bits 'n' bobs of crap today:

Eight people are being criminally charged for leaking Star Wars III: Revenge of the Siths over the Internet in May before the film was actually released in theaters. Dude, they were just trying to warn us. We say, let them go and throw in a Nobel Prize while you're at it.

Kate Moss' drug use will be televised on British TV next month. Awesome. Word is HBO is going to air in it in the form of a half-hour comedy in "The Comeback"'s old slot.

Finally...well...that's about it. Tom Sizemore said he almost killed himself when he couldn't remember where he lived. Eh. We almost killed ourselves the last time we had to hear about Tom Sizemore. Jodie Foster's Flightplan is being protested by a union. Join the club, people. Isn't she a lesbian already? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

ALERT.

OK, we are posting already, but only because we feel it's necessary, neigh, imperative to warn you about this, just so you're not caught off guard.

Manic Thursday.

Friends, we know we've been slacking lately. But today and tomorrow are going to be doozies in the non-NB world. We have lots of side work to take care of and then we have to jet off to Florida for some much needed rest and relaxation. Kidding! We're going to Florida to provide support to a family we moved to New York to get away from. We may post here and there, but we don't want you to think we abandoned such an important project. We would never do such a thing. Ever.

Also, Blogger's picture-uploading system is once again not working, so the picture of the Boca Raton Hotel & Resort that should be here will have to be imagined.

Enjoy the day and perhaps the weekend. We'll do our best not to leave you alone.

"This is going to end badly."

Truer words were never spoken, dude! And we have our tickets for next Tuesday! For those less fortunate, here's a sneak peek. PLEASE view at your own risk.

Clean, Kate.

Oh, now Kate Moss is "devastated" and considering leaving England because of her work status amidst the drug controversy (controversy???)?!? She wants to go somewhere else because she likes to be "busy"??? Awesome. Here are the keys, Kate. You can cut the lines on one of the Erasure cds—we totally never listen to that shit anymore. After you're done with all that, you'll find the cleaning supplies below the sink. Start in the bathroom. $10 an hour the first time through the apartment, $5 each additional time with a cap at four—so don't go TOO fast. And as much Dr. Phil as you want. Just don't TOUCH the Klonopin.

L-A-I-D, tu n'as pas d'alibi.

This post called "The uglyest [sic] picture of celebrities," which should be the best thing evah, is infinitely bo-ring.

Except for this...



BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things are about to get really fun.

Guys, Zach Braff wants you to live. And, do not worry—zachbraff.com is under construction. Because it's not enough to be on television, get nominated for an Emmy, release a well-received first movie, date Mandy Moore. No. We all want to know how you feel about it, Zach. We all want to know what it's like to be you. We're dying to know. DYING. TO. KNOW. Oh, I may have eaten a banana for lunch, but, look, LOOK—Zach Braff discovered a thought-to-be-extinct dinosaur, invented a new flavor of Blizzard and had time for dinner with Rachel Bilson and Peter Krause. Who am I? No one. No one.

Oh, wait. There's a link to his brother Joshua Braff's site? Oh. As you were.

Fashioning an identity.

Ladies and gentlemen, the most important and scientifically grounded quiz ever...

Which fashion designer are you?

We took the quiz, and we are proud, proud, proud to say we are Jaclyn Smith for Kmart: a bit stubborn at first, but ultimately full of elasticity; masculine with a touch of feminity thrown in for good measure; beautiful on the surface, severely damaged beneath; all in all, a good time for a short time before becoming a complete wreck when wet.*



*Not true. We got Ralph Lauren, but he's been a punchline for years. Bleh.

Model translation.

Kate Moss is taking a "short-term" break from the public eye since being photographed and videotaped doing assloads of coke in a recording studio. For our American readers, "short-term break" is British for "unemployed and optionless."

When Irish eyes are crying.

Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger continue to fight over who has control of Ireland. Last we checked, the Taoiseach was in charge. Well, except for Northern Ireland, of course. The Queen shares that with Tony Blair, Sinead O'Connor's accent and some leprechauns. But anyway, anyway, if they insist on quarreling, we say give it to Basinger. She's got the Oscar. Yes. Kim Basinger has an Oscar. L.A. Confidential. Baldwin? Oscarless. Sorry. Ireland's yours, Kimmy O'Basingeroilae.

Tipping the scales.

Yes, recently many lives have been lost due to tragedies in Iraq, Louisiana, Texas and Mississippi. For those, we grieve. But we are pleased to bring you news that will result in inevitably saving many, many, many lives, especially those of young women with fake breasts and cocaine problems. The world does, indeed, have a way of balancing itself.

Skimbleshanks gets 30 miles to the gallon.

"Denies" doesn't necessarily mean "is not true," does it? Please?

Smells Like La Tortura.

Here's a list of ten songs:

1) "We Are the Champions" by Queen
2) "Toxic" by Britney Spears
3) "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson
4) "Hotel California" by the Eagles
5) "La Tortura" by Shakira
6) "Smells like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana
7) "Yesterday" by the Beatles
8) "One" by U2
9) "Imagine" by John Lennon
10) "Sultans of Swing" by Dire Straits

Here's a quiz regarding these 10 songs...

These 10 songs:
A) Have all been played at at least one Bar Mitzvah.
B) Have all been blamed for causing rampant suicide.
C) Are on at least three Rhino compilations.
D) Are the world's top 10 favorite songs according to a Sony Ericsson poll.



The answer is D, though it's really probably E) All of the above, but that wasn't a choice, and we don't have time to make sure it's true, so D. By the way, WHO THE FUCK DID THEY POLL? 4—89-year-olds?

We go there.

Here you are, kids, pictures from the upcoming season of "Degrassi: the Next Generation," the NB's most favorite TV show. And, judging from these pics, the season appears to be Kevin Smith free! Huzzah! Call us, Craig! You rock! Manny, you look fie-rce! Paige, you still need a nosejob!

Best. Monkey. Ever.

If you've read today's Slate (or if you know anything about computers other than that they turn on and provide access to infinite amounts of porn), you already know about Greasemonkey. If you haven't, click here, read the article, follow the directions and enjoy. Soon you'll be able to cross-reference movies on sites like Netflix, Rotten Tomatoes and Amazon; delete Gmail without having to use that annoying drop-down menu; and, yes, read Boing Boing sans ads. And your Firefox browser will have a cute little monkey head in its bottom stage-left-hand corner. Right now we're working on script to remove The English Patient from IMDb and Teri Hatcher from Earth. Stay tuned!

We thought you said commencement ceremony.

On Sunday evening, Ben Vereen and Liza Minnelli co-hosted a Broadway benefit for the victims of Katrina. Later that evening, a separate benefit was held for the victims of Ben Vereen and Liza Minnelli's outfits.

Quashed.

And we were just beginning to get to know each other, Pam. Jesus.

Malebag.

We received this email a few days ago:

Hi there, we go to your site to see pics of hotties from time to time, like the ones of ryan phillipe.

We want moooooore

See ya.

We are appalled! Completely appalled! There are people logging onto the Internet during their busy days and pointing their browsers to this site? People. The pictures of "hotties" we occasionally post are totally stolen from other sites where you can find more and better pictures of "hotties." We post them only when there's good reason. We're not in it for the hits or popularity. That's not what we're about.

Are we there yet?

Road less traveled traveled.

Peace out.

Someone's still a bit angry. Cyn, just be glad you didn't have to sit through Lennon. At this point, you're even.

Apple seed.

If you haven't heard it yet, here's a stream of the new Fiona Apple cd, Extraordinary Machine.

Sequels. We got sequels.

8mm2. Seriously. Not 16mm. 8mm2.

Not to be confused with 8 Seconds 2. Seriously. Not 16 Seconds or 10 Seconds or anything other than 8. 8 Seconds 2. You don't remember 8 Seconds? Luke Perry and Cynthia Geary? Cynthia Geary from "Northern Exposure"?

And, finally, House Party 5. No word on either Kid or Play's participation.



All this is straight-to-DVD, of course. Though we have a better idea. Why not just not make any of it at all? That way our tax money doesn't go to paying trash collectors overtime and instead can be used for public housing or new schools. It's all so simple, really.

Over the hill.

Actors Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush of "One Tree Hill" are divorcing after just five months of marriage. We are shocked. Totally. We had no idea there was a show called "One Tree Hill." Is it an address, like 1 Tree Hill? Or does it mean there's a hill with only one tree on it, like maybe it was by a toxic canal and miraculously one tree survived? Oh no—is it one of those miracle shows like with Della Reese or lots of kids and they're all angels or whatever? Is it on PAX? Guys, "Lost" is on tomorrow night.

Courtney Love's mom.

Oh, Jesus. First this, now this? According to this post, here's what you can expect to find out when you read it, if you read it, which you won't, obviously...

•Courtney started in therapy when she was 6 years old. She was caught reading porn magazines in an adult bookstore at age 9 and was kicked out of every school she attended.

•She took an early stab at alcoholism at 12. One Christmas Eve, she guzzled wine until she vomited, then ran out into a field and started cutting herself.

•After the Christmas incident, young Courtney was sent to a "treatment center" in Oregon for children with severe behavioral problems, but she kept running away and wrecking the place. "We had to tape her legs together after she kicked in a window," Courtney's caseworker said.

•After starting work as a stripper, actress and musician, she "seemed as driven by the impulse to destroy herself as she was to be a star," Carroll writes.

Wait...did he say "tape her legs together"? Idiot. That only works on cats and children under three. No wonder she's a fucking mess.

Jared veto.

This guy went to see Jared Leto's band, 30 Seconds to Mars, play in concert. As if that weren't torturous enough, Leto flipped the guy off and then kicked his video camera.

Don't believe it? All right. You probably won't want to watch this, then.

Not safe for work, or humanity.

Good morning! It's beautiful outside! Why not bid on some art? Why not, indeed. Bid quickly, friends—there are only 25!

When nothing attacks.

Come on, people—everyone knows it's physically impossible for two utterly talentless, awful, loathesome women to be in the same room at the same time. Nothing's that strong.

The foundation of Ricky Martin.

HE was bored???

Conceptual visual: sad tamale

Greenlighting Red.

Dance your cares away
Worry's for another day
Let the music play
Down at Fraggle Rock.

(Yes, we know you want to hear it now. All right.)

Conceptual visual: toss-up between the Trash Heap and some Doozers

$99 well spent. The opposite of

Do you know what a Pirolette is? Now you do. Luckily, it's flammable.

Conceptual visual: someone crying

The color green.

Oprah Winfrey has decided to give $1,000,000 to the upcoming musical version of The Color Purple. Obviously, she 1) hasn't heard the three available songs from the official Web site and 2) enjoys giving money to disaster victims. We'd be more worried if $1,000,000 wasn't what Winfrey paid for laundry, but she can afford to squander some cash here and there. Alas, we applaud her for supporting live theater. Even this kind.

Conceptual visual: Oprah not winning the Oscar for The Color Purple.

Sexlebrity.

Here's the Wikipedia entry on celebrity sex tapes. You'll find a comprehensive list of all the stars who've filmed their naughties for the—sorry—a camera. There's also a list of fake sex tapes—we're so glad the whole Miss West Virgina controversy of 2003 is all cleared up. We didn't think it was her, but it's nice to know for sure.

Conceptual visual: a still of the Tonya Harding/Jeff Gillooly tape after we couldn't find anything from the Guttenberg one.

Sizemore does matter.

Bankrupt actor and drug-user Tom Sizemore is officially releasing a series of homemade sex tapes in order to make some quick cash. Of you can just go here and see a few clips, if you're feeling uncharitable. Seriously, how much can you give to victims of Katrina before it just becomes ridiculous. Spread the wealth, people. Spread it.

Conceptual visual: Tom Sizemore with his head in his hands after hearing one of many court verdicts sentencing him to jail time for drug possession and use.

Picture this.

We seem to be having trouble uploading the photos today, so our posts may be without visual aid. Please be assured that our technicians are working on the problem, and we hope to have it rectified as soon as possible.

Guy Ritchie not a gay.

Le proof.

Ici.

Good morning! We are here. We have some clerical work to take care of. Continue to enjoy the sparkly kitty picture below until we are able to get our hands on some crap to post. Bisoux!

We still love you.

Readers, please take this Friday to reflect on all the wonderful things in your lives and all the things you'd like to improve. And maybe go ahead and buy that cake for that certain someone special. We have some things on the business end to take care of today, and we'd hate not to be able to devote our full attention to the site. So, unfortunately, you'll have to find other ways to kill brain cells today. We're sure you'll be fine. Our interns are in New Jersey for a "Clean Up the Meadowlands" celebration. They signed up as a group obviously unaware of what "clean" or "Meadowlands" meant. In any case, they have been told to salvage any spare pegs that look like they may fit into an IKEA snack tray holder.

Enjoy the weekend. And sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!

Human supernova.

La-dies, if you've ever wanted to know the secret to getting your gay best friend to marry you, you'll ha...WAIT. Does that say "Physical"??? For the love of all that is good...

Lovely Rita.

Hurricane Rita is officially worse than Katrina. And by "worse," we mean "if you played music videos like you did in 1985, this wouldn't be an issue."

On my worst day...

Here're some pics of Tori Spelling post-breakup. She's all sad and mad. Just like you'll be after looking at these pics. Except that you'll be crying blood.

I got you, babe.

Here's a link to the FBI's Freedom of Information Privacy Act reading room. Once there, you can read declassified documents on your favorite serial killers, like Ted Bundy and John Wayne Gacy; your favorite unusual phenomena, like Roswell and cattle mutilation; and even dirt on your favorite celebrities, like Bertolt Brecht, Talulah Bankhead and Sonny Bono. The docs are in PDF form, however, so if you see anything interesting, let us know—our tax money apparently isn't going to turning this info into easy-to-read HTML.

Lil' disappointed.

Lil' Kim can talk the talk but cannot walk the walk.

Official press release.

Date: 9/22/05
Contact: NervyB@gmail.com

Nervous Breakdown drops Kate Moss as topic for "So-and-so dropped Kate Moss as its spokeswoman" headlines

Nervous Breakdown announced today that it is terminating its contract with topic Kate Moss after H&M, Chanel, Burberry and now Rimmel have dropped her as their spokeswoman due to recent negative publicity concerning her drug use. Though Ms. Moss has been a usually viable topic for the NB team, we feel it would be inappropriate for such a highly regarded Web site as Nervous Breakdown to continue posting about Ms. Moss presently. We wish Ms. Moss the best of luck with her future endeavors and would not rule out writing about her again at a more interesting, less redundant time.

Please direct all questions to the e-mail address above. Thank you.

I turn to you, and then I turn away and talk shit behind your back.

Sporty Spice maybe should be called bad sport-y Spice. She's pissed at the other former members of her group for giving her a bad name due to the fact that their solo careers have all flopped. Sporty, who once played to sold-out crowds at Wembley, last week played to 80 people at an Australian mall. The UK Mirror reported her as saying, "Things are quite tough for me at the moment, but people are more open-minded in the rest of the world, so that's where I'm spending my time - where people appreciate me." Yes, 80 of them. Mwah ha ha ha.

You're really little, Superman.

Yeah, we could post pictures of little Sean Preston Las Vegas Spears Federline's bedroom or Angelina, Brad, Maddox and that little love imp Zahara going to the mall, but we don't like to be like everyone else. Instead, enjoy this picture of the world's tallest man meeting the world's shortest stuntman, who apparently snagged a bit part in Superman Returns. Bah ha ha ha.