Clearly, we win. And lose. All at once.
4.17.2006
Something really matters.
Fine, Queen. You complain about how much you were misrepresented, and we'll go ahead and complain that, despite however much he may have been "undermined," the character of Ace is still on the show.
Clearly, we win. And lose. All at once.
Clearly, we win. And lose. All at once.
Guilty feet.
Not satisfied enough only to report on George Michael's recent London hit-and-run shenangians (albeit with the mildly entertaining headline of "CARELESS DRIVER"), the UK Mirror kindly regales us with an entire timeline of what they call "STAR'S HITS AND MISSES" and what we call "STAR'S MISSES."
This just back in.
Ah well. It's with hesitant disappointment that we bring you this follow-up email:
ATLANTA -- A man who threatened to jump from the 10th Street bridge has just been apprehended.
<>
This brings to mind one question: if you're a failure at suicide, what's your next move? Oh, right! Two of our interns can answer that. Sorry, one. Shit. Someone call 9-1-1.
ATLANTA -- A man who threatened to jump from the 10th Street bridge has just been apprehended.
Officials had to shut down all northbound lanes on the connector just after 10:30 a.m.
The man was standing on the other side of the fence from officials.
The suspect was apprehended just after 11:30 a.m.
<>Traffic is said to be backed up for miles due to the shutdown.
<>
This brings to mind one question: if you're a failure at suicide, what's your next move? Oh, right! Two of our interns can answer that. Sorry, one. Shit. Someone call 9-1-1.
Big and bright.
In a rare case of humility, the state responsible for it all lets us know we're definitely going to die very, very soon.
This just out.
We just got this bit of thrilling news from Atlanta in an email titled "Jumper":
On the 10th street bridge.
On the 10th street bridge.
Cant see the jumper (tree in the way) but I have a clear view of the bridge and ALL lanes of the connector shut down.
Traffic is backed up for MILES.
Hurrah! We'll keep you posted as we get more information...
Much-needed break.
TVGasm today "liveblogged" a JetBlue flight. Meaning the author described what he watched during his trip on a TV-equipped plane that's been around for seven years. Meaning this site is not the stupidest site on the Web today.
This Kreiss must die.
Occasionally we are so hungover that, being unable to move from the bed and therefore having only a laptop to entertain us, we run out of Internet and are forced to visit the Web site of the New York Times. Usually we spend about three to four minutes perusing movie reviews summaries and staring at Maureen Dowd's mesmerizing face. However, occasionally a visit to this site proves tremendously fruitful, as evidenced by yesterday morning's visit.
Meet Loren Kreiss, 24-year-old furniture executive and the NB's newest, greatest enemy.
Mr. Kreiss was basically sent by his parents to New York to head up the East Coast expansion of their West Coast home goods chain, Kreiss. The Times saw fit to devote a two-page article to him in the hilariously named "Real Estate" section because he lives in "a tricked-out 1,500-square-foot luxury loft in the Chelsea Mercantile Building, at Seventh Avenue and 24th Street." We learn that "the bedroom features a seven-foot-tall mirror and a king-size bed dressed in a 320-thread-count duvet that's been chewed up by Mr. Kreiss's beloved rat terrier, Dexter. The living room, with its travertine marble console, off-white couch and a large flat-screen TV used for watching boxing matches, has the air of a pleasant, well-designed furniture showroom."
Wonderful. This would be spine-tingling enough if the young Kreiss had actually had to do any work for this Times-worthy setup. Alas, he did and does not. Sure, "at 21, he headed east to supervise Kreiss's Florida operations, becoming [sic] the first family member in four generations to live outside of California." But, in reality, we all know that he's very simply a Kreiss puppet for his parents to intimidate non-Kreiss Kreiss workers with. He's a name. Living in an enormous apartment paid for by his parents. And sure, Father Kreiss may have once said to his son, "'I know you're having fun with your music...but at the end of the day I won't be paying your rent any longer, and it would mean a lot to the family if you would join the business. I think you could really help.'" But, in reality, as long as the Kreiss furniture business is employing young Kreiss, dad is paying the rent. Try to find the part of the article that details young Kreiss's day-to-day duties. You can't. It's not there.
What is there? Lots of wonderful stuff. Let us show you:
•"He collects cool things, like 2,194 "friends" on myspace.com, an antique Coke machine and 15,000 songs on his hard drive. His vintage wristwatch is a fashion accessory, not a tool."
•"The walls of his own apartment, for instance, are marked by a startling series of enlarged panels from an unpublished graphic novel he wrote, titled 'The Artifact and the Manipulated Living.'
•"Mr. Kreiss writes his graphic novels on his BlackBerry while working out on an elliptical trainer at the gym. His latest effort, titled 'Ash,' is the story of a girl who repeatedly wakes on the same day in the same house but on a different street. She never ages as she makes this existential journey."
•"Mr. Kreiss hopes to publish the novel in book form. But its first appearance will be as wallpaper in a 750-square-foot Chelsea apartment that Mr. Kreiss is currently decorating for a young client. As part of his company's design services, Mr. Kreiss will write and produce a custom graphic wallpaper novel for anyone who wants it."
Fan-tastic. Not only does this spoiled elliptical trainee look like Jai Rodriguez, but he fancies himself a writer and a collector of "cool things." All this, in itself, is immediate cause for Kreiss's destruction, but the little bastard has to take it a step further and tarnish the name "Loren," a name we hold quite close to our heart. Ugh infinity.
Alas, we will say two good things about this article.
1.)After reading it Sunday morning, we immediately threw up and got rid of the nasty hangover. And, our bathroom is basically in the bed area of our 4.6-square-foot studio, so none of the "cool things" like the $40 IKEA lamp or the errant bottle of Febreeze were harmed. P-h-e-w.
2.)Young Kriess, you may have been profiled in the Times, but please be aware that because of this article, finely illustrating all that is wrong with New York City, we know where you live.
Meet Loren Kreiss, 24-year-old furniture executive and the NB's newest, greatest enemy.
Mr. Kreiss was basically sent by his parents to New York to head up the East Coast expansion of their West Coast home goods chain, Kreiss. The Times saw fit to devote a two-page article to him in the hilariously named "Real Estate" section because he lives in "a tricked-out 1,500-square-foot luxury loft in the Chelsea Mercantile Building, at Seventh Avenue and 24th Street." We learn that "the bedroom features a seven-foot-tall mirror and a king-size bed dressed in a 320-thread-count duvet that's been chewed up by Mr. Kreiss's beloved rat terrier, Dexter. The living room, with its travertine marble console, off-white couch and a large flat-screen TV used for watching boxing matches, has the air of a pleasant, well-designed furniture showroom."
Wonderful. This would be spine-tingling enough if the young Kreiss had actually had to do any work for this Times-worthy setup. Alas, he did and does not. Sure, "at 21, he headed east to supervise Kreiss's Florida operations, becoming [sic] the first family member in four generations to live outside of California." But, in reality, we all know that he's very simply a Kreiss puppet for his parents to intimidate non-Kreiss Kreiss workers with. He's a name. Living in an enormous apartment paid for by his parents. And sure, Father Kreiss may have once said to his son, "'I know you're having fun with your music...but at the end of the day I won't be paying your rent any longer, and it would mean a lot to the family if you would join the business. I think you could really help.'" But, in reality, as long as the Kreiss furniture business is employing young Kreiss, dad is paying the rent. Try to find the part of the article that details young Kreiss's day-to-day duties. You can't. It's not there.
What is there? Lots of wonderful stuff. Let us show you:
•"He collects cool things, like 2,194 "friends" on myspace.com, an antique Coke machine and 15,000 songs on his hard drive. His vintage wristwatch is a fashion accessory, not a tool."
•"The walls of his own apartment, for instance, are marked by a startling series of enlarged panels from an unpublished graphic novel he wrote, titled 'The Artifact and the Manipulated Living.'
•"Mr. Kreiss writes his graphic novels on his BlackBerry while working out on an elliptical trainer at the gym. His latest effort, titled 'Ash,' is the story of a girl who repeatedly wakes on the same day in the same house but on a different street. She never ages as she makes this existential journey."
•"Mr. Kreiss hopes to publish the novel in book form. But its first appearance will be as wallpaper in a 750-square-foot Chelsea apartment that Mr. Kreiss is currently decorating for a young client. As part of his company's design services, Mr. Kreiss will write and produce a custom graphic wallpaper novel for anyone who wants it."
Fan-tastic. Not only does this spoiled elliptical trainee look like Jai Rodriguez, but he fancies himself a writer and a collector of "cool things." All this, in itself, is immediate cause for Kreiss's destruction, but the little bastard has to take it a step further and tarnish the name "Loren," a name we hold quite close to our heart. Ugh infinity.
Alas, we will say two good things about this article.
1.)After reading it Sunday morning, we immediately threw up and got rid of the nasty hangover. And, our bathroom is basically in the bed area of our 4.6-square-foot studio, so none of the "cool things" like the $40 IKEA lamp or the errant bottle of Febreeze were harmed. P-h-e-w.
2.)Young Kriess, you may have been profiled in the Times, but please be aware that because of this article, finely illustrating all that is wrong with New York City, we know where you live.
4.14.2006
Rise. RISE!
Well, have a glorious holiday weekend (if you're into that kind of thing). We'll be busy force-feeding ham sandwiches to Jews and matzoh to Christians. Kidding! We're hiring a Muslim to do that. Obviously.
See you next week.
See you next week.
Good. Friday.
Jesus, people, after yesterday's parade of insanity, we're taking it easy today. Besides, we've dressed the interns as homeless and sent them to various churches, subway stations and Jamba Juices around the city. (Feeding 27 children, most of whom will not go anywhere near cheese, is EXPENSIVE.) Of course, we'd be loath to leave you without anything religious on this goodest of Fridays. So, for now, please enjoy Wikipedia's list of current and former celebrity Scientologists. Yes, Beck is on the list. And Chaka Khan.
* Kirstie Alley, actress
* Anne Archer, actress (her son, Tom Davis, runs the Los Angeles "Celebrity Centre")
* James Barbour, Broadway actor
* Lynsey Bartilson, actress
* Catherine Bell, actress
* Mary Bono, congresswoman
* Sonny Bono, artist and congressman (claimed Catholicism on campaign biographies)
* Sami Boukai, country music singer
* Rufus Buck, folk singer
* David Campbell, musician
* Nancy Cartwright, voiceover artist, most famous as the voice of Bart Simpson
* Sharon Case, actress
* Kate Ceberano, actress and musician
* Erika Christensen, actress
* Chick Corea, musician
* Tom Cruise, actor (formerly Catholic, according to Parade)
* Sky Dayton, founder and Chairman of the Board of EarthLink
* Jason Dohring, actor
* Jenna Elfman, actress, formerly Catholic, and her husband Bodhi, actor
* David S. Freeman, writer, video game developer, and screenwriting teacher
* Brent Graber, voice of 'Otis' in movie 'Milo and Otis'
* Zachary Goertz, actor
* Paul Haggis, director
* Beck Hansen, musician
* Isaac Hayes, musician, actor, and formerly voiceover artist ("Chef (South Park character)")
* Katie Holmes, actress, introduced to Scientology by fiance Tom Cruise
* Nicky Hopkins, musician
* Mark Isham, musician
* Terry Jastrow, TV producer and director (married to Anne Archer)
* Mike Joubert, Bronson Pinchot's voice coach
* Cyprien Katsaris, musician
* Chaka Khan, singer
* Jarod Knoten, director
* Jason Lee, actor and professional skateboarder
* Paul Leland, magician
* Geoffrey Lewis, actor
* Johnny Lewis, actor
* Juliette Lewis, actress
* Peggy Lipton, actress
* Christopher Masterson, actor
* Danny Masterson, actor
* Lisa McPherson, died at Fort Harrison Hotel
* Peter Medak, director
* Jim Meskimen, actor and improviser
* Sofia Milos, actress (CSI: Miami)
* Elisabeth Moss, actress
* Floyd Mutrux, writer, director and producer
* Haywood Nelson, actor
* Corin Nemec, actor
* Marisol Nichols, actress
* Judy Norton, actress and musician
* Brandy Norwood, actress and singer
* Eduardo Palomo, actor, and his wife Carina, actress and musician
* Don Pearson, 'Management by Statistics' consultant
* Michael Pena, actor
* Bernadette Peters, actress and singer (source: Bergen Record 3/10/1985, may be an ex-member)
* Jeff Pomerantz, actor and founder of Hollywood Says No to Drugs
* Lisa Marie Presley, singer and daughter of Elvis
* Priscilla Presley, actress and wife of Elvis
* Kelly Preston, actress and John Travolta's wife
* Leah Remini, actress
* Giovanni Ribisi, actor
* Marissa Ribisi, actress, wife of Beck Hansen, sister of Giovanni Ribisi.
* Carina Ricco, singer, actress and composer
* Michael D. Roberts, actor
* Mimi Rogers, actress -- believed to not be active in the church anymore, but still holds the beliefs
* Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Congresswoman
* Gloria Rusch-Novello, singer, writer and actress
* Pablo Santos, actor
* Meghan Schlinder, swimsuit model
* Kristin Schwing, actress
* Jeffrey Scott, writer for TV cartoons
* Billy Sheehan, rock bassist
* David Singer, chiropractor, 'Management by Statistics' consultant
* Reed Slatkin, criminal ponzi scheme perpetrator
* Michelle Stafford, actress
* Ethan Suplee, actor
* Patrick Swayze, actor
* Greta Van Susteren, host of On the Record with Greta Van Susteren on FNC
* John Travolta, actor
* Josh Wiener, actor
* Edgar Winter, musician
* David Wittig, CEO
* Bryan Zwan, founder of Digital Lightwave, inventor of fiber-optic testing equipment
Former members
* J. J. Abrams, Writer
* Adi Da Samraj (a.k.a. Franklin Jones, Da Free John), religious guru (renounced Scientology after ca. one year)
* John Brodie, football player
* William S. Burroughs, author, Beat Generation icon (later denounced it)
* Leonard Cohen, singer, songwriter (at New York Org in late 60s)
* Werner Erhard, founder of EST
* Emilio Estevez, actor (renounced and won't discuss it)
* Soleil Moon Frye, actress
* Philip Gale, MIT student and primary developer of EarthLink's innovative ISP software; committed suicide on Hubbard's birthday
* Gloria Gaynor, singer (later renounced)
* Charles Manson, serial killer (professed Scientology in 1961, but critics claim he only read books in prison in the early 1960s)
* Ricky Martin, singer (says he dabbled in it)
* Van Morrison, singer, songwriter (renounced Scientology in the 1980s)
* Lou Rawls, singer (renounced Scientology)
* Melanie Safka, singer, songwriter (renounced Scientology)
* Barbara Schwarz, former Scientologist claiming Hubbard parentage
* Jerry Seinfeld, comedian
* Oliver Stone, director (said involvement was finished after 4 months)
* Sharon Stone, actress (reportedly now a convert to Buddhism)
(Here's the official Scientology celebrities FAQ site if you're really bored and into Courier font.)
* Kirstie Alley, actress
* Anne Archer, actress (her son, Tom Davis, runs the Los Angeles "Celebrity Centre")
* James Barbour, Broadway actor
* Lynsey Bartilson, actress
* Catherine Bell, actress
* Mary Bono, congresswoman
* Sonny Bono, artist and congressman (claimed Catholicism on campaign biographies)
* Sami Boukai, country music singer
* Rufus Buck, folk singer
* David Campbell, musician
* Nancy Cartwright, voiceover artist, most famous as the voice of Bart Simpson
* Sharon Case, actress
* Kate Ceberano, actress and musician
* Erika Christensen, actress
* Chick Corea, musician
* Tom Cruise, actor (formerly Catholic, according to Parade)
* Sky Dayton, founder and Chairman of the Board of EarthLink
* Jason Dohring, actor
* Jenna Elfman, actress, formerly Catholic, and her husband Bodhi, actor
* David S. Freeman, writer, video game developer, and screenwriting teacher
* Brent Graber, voice of 'Otis' in movie 'Milo and Otis'
* Zachary Goertz, actor
* Paul Haggis, director
* Beck Hansen, musician
* Isaac Hayes, musician, actor, and formerly voiceover artist ("Chef (South Park character)")
* Katie Holmes, actress, introduced to Scientology by fiance Tom Cruise
* Nicky Hopkins, musician
* Mark Isham, musician
* Terry Jastrow, TV producer and director (married to Anne Archer)
* Mike Joubert, Bronson Pinchot's voice coach
* Cyprien Katsaris, musician
* Chaka Khan, singer
* Jarod Knoten, director
* Jason Lee, actor and professional skateboarder
* Paul Leland, magician
* Geoffrey Lewis, actor
* Johnny Lewis, actor
* Juliette Lewis, actress
* Peggy Lipton, actress
* Christopher Masterson, actor
* Danny Masterson, actor
* Lisa McPherson, died at Fort Harrison Hotel
* Peter Medak, director
* Jim Meskimen, actor and improviser
* Sofia Milos, actress (CSI: Miami)
* Elisabeth Moss, actress
* Floyd Mutrux, writer, director and producer
* Haywood Nelson, actor
* Corin Nemec, actor
* Marisol Nichols, actress
* Judy Norton, actress and musician
* Brandy Norwood, actress and singer
* Eduardo Palomo, actor, and his wife Carina, actress and musician
* Don Pearson, 'Management by Statistics' consultant
* Michael Pena, actor
* Bernadette Peters, actress and singer (source: Bergen Record 3/10/1985, may be an ex-member)
* Jeff Pomerantz, actor and founder of Hollywood Says No to Drugs
* Lisa Marie Presley, singer and daughter of Elvis
* Priscilla Presley, actress and wife of Elvis
* Kelly Preston, actress and John Travolta's wife
* Leah Remini, actress
* Giovanni Ribisi, actor
* Marissa Ribisi, actress, wife of Beck Hansen, sister of Giovanni Ribisi.
* Carina Ricco, singer, actress and composer
* Michael D. Roberts, actor
* Mimi Rogers, actress -- believed to not be active in the church anymore, but still holds the beliefs
* Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Congresswoman
* Gloria Rusch-Novello, singer, writer and actress
* Pablo Santos, actor
* Meghan Schlinder, swimsuit model
* Kristin Schwing, actress
* Jeffrey Scott, writer for TV cartoons
* Billy Sheehan, rock bassist
* David Singer, chiropractor, 'Management by Statistics' consultant
* Reed Slatkin, criminal ponzi scheme perpetrator
* Michelle Stafford, actress
* Ethan Suplee, actor
* Patrick Swayze, actor
* Greta Van Susteren, host of On the Record with Greta Van Susteren on FNC
* John Travolta, actor
* Josh Wiener, actor
* Edgar Winter, musician
* David Wittig, CEO
* Bryan Zwan, founder of Digital Lightwave, inventor of fiber-optic testing equipment
Former members
* J. J. Abrams, Writer
* Adi Da Samraj (a.k.a. Franklin Jones, Da Free John), religious guru (renounced Scientology after ca. one year)
* John Brodie, football player
* William S. Burroughs, author, Beat Generation icon (later denounced it)
* Leonard Cohen, singer, songwriter (at New York Org in late 60s)
* Werner Erhard, founder of EST
* Emilio Estevez, actor (renounced and won't discuss it)
* Soleil Moon Frye, actress
* Philip Gale, MIT student and primary developer of EarthLink's innovative ISP software; committed suicide on Hubbard's birthday
* Gloria Gaynor, singer (later renounced)
* Charles Manson, serial killer (professed Scientology in 1961, but critics claim he only read books in prison in the early 1960s)
* Ricky Martin, singer (says he dabbled in it)
* Van Morrison, singer, songwriter (renounced Scientology in the 1980s)
* Lou Rawls, singer (renounced Scientology)
* Melanie Safka, singer, songwriter (renounced Scientology)
* Barbara Schwarz, former Scientologist claiming Hubbard parentage
* Jerry Seinfeld, comedian
* Oliver Stone, director (said involvement was finished after 4 months)
* Sharon Stone, actress (reportedly now a convert to Buddhism)
(Here's the official Scientology celebrities FAQ site if you're really bored and into Courier font.)
4.13.2006
The NB's Pesach Day Parade special report!
Wow. In a startling turn of events, the Hudson River was just parted and millions of New York Jews (basically the entire island of Manhattan) were seen fleeing the Rudy Guiliani Master-of-Ceremonies float, crossing the dry riverbed and making a tent city in Hoboken. This is clearly an unprecendented occurrence. We're trying to get more information about who initiated this amazing supernatural display and led the Jews out of bondage, but there is obviously so much commotion that it's hard to get word one from anyone.
Oh. Hold on. Intern Nnanne just handed us an email. It's from Lauren Bacall. It reads...
Oh.
Our.
God.
Of course. Of course! It's so clear.
+ 
=
It was, of course, Moses.
What an astounding, yet completely logical way to end the NB's Pesach Day Parade. We couldn't have planned it better. Actually, we probably could have, but you try not falling asleep after ingesting 47 pounds of dough.
Please have a miserable Pesach.
Shalom.
Oh. Hold on. Intern Nnanne just handed us an email. It's from Lauren Bacall. It reads...
Dear NB or whatever the hell you are,How cute of her to use a "P.S." Clearly she's no help right now. Oh, OK. Here's another email. It's somehow from the matzoh Catherine Zeta Jones. We won't ask. It reads...
Please get me out of this fucking stocking. This is certainly not my idea of an AIDS benefit.
L. Bacall
P.S. I was promised lunch and a light afternoon snack.
Yyy wyn't fyckyng bylyyvy thys. Styp.Shit. It's in Welsh. Well, it'sh all we got.
Thy ryvyr pyrtyng ynd myss yxydys wyry thy wyrk yf lyttly M. Pyltryw-Myrtyn. Styp.Um, OK. We're going to do our best to translate.
xyxy, Cyt
Oh.
Our.
God.
Of course. Of course! It's so clear.
+ 
=
It was, of course, Moses.
What an astounding, yet completely logical way to end the NB's Pesach Day Parade. We couldn't have planned it better. Actually, we probably could have, but you try not falling asleep after ingesting 47 pounds of dough.
Please have a miserable Pesach.
Shalom.
The NB's Pesach Day Parade concludes!
You know who we just ran into in the baguette? A kaiser roll, that's who.
Well, folks, we've come to the final float of the parade, and none too soon. Please welcome Master of Ceremonies, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani, dressed impeccably as the angel of death.
"Hello! I am so thrilled to be the Master of Ceremonies for such a noble event. As the angel of death and most important plague, I am so thrilled to have with me on my float both Judy Nathan and this perfect-for-Pesach crib made of matzoh.
What first-born, Jewish or not, wouldn't feel safe and protected, even in a city as safe as I made New York, in this matzoh crib? This is truly an outstanding item for such an outstanding city. You know, we've come a long way since the events of 9/11, and..."
All right. Thank you, mayor. We're going to cut back to Marilu Henner singing "Roxie." Yes, it's still going on. Yes, we'll unplug the audio. No, it's not delicious with butter for one week in spring.
But we're pretty sure the crib is.
Everybody! Ilu hotzi, hotzianu. Hotzianu, mi-mitzrayim. Hotzianu, mi-mitzrayim...
Da...
Yen...
U.
Well, folks, we've come to the final float of the parade, and none too soon. Please welcome Master of Ceremonies, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani, dressed impeccably as the angel of death.
"Hello! I am so thrilled to be the Master of Ceremonies for such a noble event. As the angel of death and most important plague, I am so thrilled to have with me on my float both Judy Nathan and this perfect-for-Pesach crib made of matzoh.
What first-born, Jewish or not, wouldn't feel safe and protected, even in a city as safe as I made New York, in this matzoh crib? This is truly an outstanding item for such an outstanding city. You know, we've come a long way since the events of 9/11, and..."
All right. Thank you, mayor. We're going to cut back to Marilu Henner singing "Roxie." Yes, it's still going on. Yes, we'll unplug the audio. No, it's not delicious with butter for one week in spring.
But we're pretty sure the crib is.
Everybody! Ilu hotzi, hotzianu. Hotzianu, mi-mitzrayim. Hotzianu, mi-mitzrayim...
Da...
Yen...
U.
The NB's Pesach Day Parade continues!
You know what's better than a flourless chocolate cake? A chocolate cake made with fucking flour, that's what.
All hail our penultimate float with a suave Howard Hesseman dressed as...you guessed it...hail! How will Howard get skyward to rain hail down on all those Egyptian...um...hesse-men?
"Get to the head of the class for your wordplay, NB! It's pretty clear HOW we'll get skyWARD, and if this were being written, you'd be able to see I've capitalized H-O-W and the W-A-R-D in 'skyward.'" Feast your eyes on the back of the float—have you noticed the giant helicopter made of matzoh?
That's how we'll get up to the sky to rain hail down upon the evil Egyptians and their Jew-built pyramids. Jesus, the Jews do control everything, don't they? Have a happy Passover!"
Thanks. Howard. We'll see you...somewhere. Stay tuned for the grand finale float featuring the NB's Pesach Day Parade's Master of Ceremonies!
All hail our penultimate float with a suave Howard Hesseman dressed as...you guessed it...hail! How will Howard get skyward to rain hail down on all those Egyptian...um...hesse-men?
"Get to the head of the class for your wordplay, NB! It's pretty clear HOW we'll get skyWARD, and if this were being written, you'd be able to see I've capitalized H-O-W and the W-A-R-D in 'skyward.'" Feast your eyes on the back of the float—have you noticed the giant helicopter made of matzoh?
That's how we'll get up to the sky to rain hail down upon the evil Egyptians and their Jew-built pyramids. Jesus, the Jews do control everything, don't they? Have a happy Passover!"
Thanks. Howard. We'll see you...somewhere. Stay tuned for the grand finale float featuring the NB's Pesach Day Parade's Master of Ceremonies!
The NB's Pesach Day Parade continues!
Ah, the sweet, sweet flavor of a cheeseburger minus the cheeseburger.
Here comes one of our most favorite floats. It's the "Will Do Anything for a Meal" float with Kathy Griffin and Lauren Bacall dressed up as lice and darkness, respectively. Miss Bacall looks especially stunning in her gown designed by Mummenschanz. (Sorry—you'll just have to take our word.) But it looks like things are about to get a lot lighter...
"Actually, they're not. This volcano made from matzoh...
...is basically non-functional and non-impressive. Much like Star Jones's old dresses."
(Slight pause.)
"No, I don't know why we've been assigned to this science float. Maybe Emmanuel Lewis wasn't tall enough to get on."
As you're aware, we here at the NB hold celebrities in high esteem, so we're going to cut away from Kathy and go to Miss Bacall.
"Where am I?"
OK, well, it's about time to get...
"Oh, NB, one more thing."
Yes, Kathy?
"These volcanos are delicious for a week in spring with butter. Just like Lisa Rinna's lips."
Um, OK. Thanks for your help! We're coming to the end of the parade (thank Christ), so stay tuned...
Here comes one of our most favorite floats. It's the "Will Do Anything for a Meal" float with Kathy Griffin and Lauren Bacall dressed up as lice and darkness, respectively. Miss Bacall looks especially stunning in her gown designed by Mummenschanz. (Sorry—you'll just have to take our word.) But it looks like things are about to get a lot lighter...
"Actually, they're not. This volcano made from matzoh...
...is basically non-functional and non-impressive. Much like Star Jones's old dresses."
(Slight pause.)
"No, I don't know why we've been assigned to this science float. Maybe Emmanuel Lewis wasn't tall enough to get on."
As you're aware, we here at the NB hold celebrities in high esteem, so we're going to cut away from Kathy and go to Miss Bacall.
"Where am I?"
OK, well, it's about time to get...
"Oh, NB, one more thing."
Yes, Kathy?
"These volcanos are delicious for a week in spring with butter. Just like Lisa Rinna's lips."
Um, OK. Thanks for your help! We're coming to the end of the parade (thank Christ), so stay tuned...
The NB's Pesach Day Parade continues!
Mmmmmmmm. Chocolate chip cookies.
Coming up is DJ Jazzy Jeff dressed as flies on a hip-hoppin' float.
"Yo, yo, NB, fly guy DJ J. Jizzy here with the beats that will get you through Pesach nice. And they're coming from speakers made from matzoh.
This [expletive deleted]* is jacked up! And, if you got some butter, you can put it on the speakers for one week in spring for a dope snack. No joke. And if you see Will Smith, pop a cap in that white man's ass for m..."
OK, thanks DJ...Jizzy. That's music to our mouths. We'll be back shortly.
*We're as surprised as you. DJ Jazzy Jeff has always been family friendly.
Coming up is DJ Jazzy Jeff dressed as flies on a hip-hoppin' float.
"Yo, yo, NB, fly guy DJ J. Jizzy here with the beats that will get you through Pesach nice. And they're coming from speakers made from matzoh.
This [expletive deleted]* is jacked up! And, if you got some butter, you can put it on the speakers for one week in spring for a dope snack. No joke. And if you see Will Smith, pop a cap in that white man's ass for m..."
OK, thanks DJ...Jizzy. That's music to our mouths. We'll be back shortly.
*We're as surprised as you. DJ Jazzy Jeff has always been family friendly.
The NB's Pesach Day Parade continues!
Jesus, that was good. And by "that," we mean "stuffing."
Oh, this looks like a magical float. It's New York Junior Senator Hillary Clinton dressed as boils. And she's surrounded by what looks like race cars, LEGOs, refrigerators, X-ray machines, dice and robots!
"That's right, NB. I'm proud to be representing the children of New York by showing everyone how many wonderful costumes can be easily made from matzoh! Never have this city's fantastic children looked as good as they do now, in costumes made by them in their own kitchens, or kitchenettes. Here in my great city, we always strive for the best while never losing sight of what's attainable. That's why it's such an honor to be on this float with these children in these costumes made from matzoh. And, best of all, for a week in spring these costumes are delicious with butter."
Well, thank you, so much, Senator.
"I will never abandon our city's children, especially in such a dire ti..."
Oh, we seem to be plagued not only with locusts, frogs and boils, but also with audio problems today. Once we get the feed fixed, we'll return with more coverage. This is some parade! Long, mostly. But great. Definitely great.
Oh, this looks like a magical float. It's New York Junior Senator Hillary Clinton dressed as boils. And she's surrounded by what looks like race cars, LEGOs, refrigerators, X-ray machines, dice and robots!
"That's right, NB. I'm proud to be representing the children of New York by showing everyone how many wonderful costumes can be easily made from matzoh! Never have this city's fantastic children looked as good as they do now, in costumes made by them in their own kitchens, or kitchenettes. Here in my great city, we always strive for the best while never losing sight of what's attainable. That's why it's such an honor to be on this float with these children in these costumes made from matzoh. And, best of all, for a week in spring these costumes are delicious with butter."
Well, thank you, so much, Senator.
"I will never abandon our city's children, especially in such a dire ti..."
Oh, we seem to be plagued not only with locusts, frogs and boils, but also with audio problems today. Once we get the feed fixed, we'll return with more coverage. This is some parade! Long, mostly. But great. Definitely great.
The NB's Pesach Day Parade continues!
Mrghrhghrghrhr. Mmmmm. Sorry. Our mouth was full. We just scarfed down a slice of pizza with croutons.
Who's coming up now? Why, it's Tony Danza dressed as hail! Tell us about your float, boss.
"Hiya! It's such an honuh to be part of dis parade. What we got heah is some furnitures made of matzoh. Which is great if you got a messy family. Right, Angelar?"
Oh, look who popped out from under that table made of matzoh—it's Judith Light dressed as a cattle plague! What a surprise!
"That's right, Tony. These chairs, stools and even shelves are perfect for that family too busy to buy real furniture. And, for one week in spring, they're delicious with Proactiv. I mean butter! Back to you at NB headquarters. Take care!"
Thanks so much, Tony and Judith! We'll return to the NB's Pesach Day Parade shortly...
Who's coming up now? Why, it's Tony Danza dressed as hail! Tell us about your float, boss.
"Hiya! It's such an honuh to be part of dis parade. What we got heah is some furnitures made of matzoh. Which is great if you got a messy family. Right, Angelar?"
Oh, look who popped out from under that table made of matzoh—it's Judith Light dressed as a cattle plague! What a surprise!
"That's right, Tony. These chairs, stools and even shelves are perfect for that family too busy to buy real furniture. And, for one week in spring, they're delicious with Proactiv. I mean butter! Back to you at NB headquarters. Take care!"
Thanks so much, Tony and Judith! We'll return to the NB's Pesach Day Parade shortly...
The NB's Pesach Day Parade continues!
Welcome back! You know what's good? That bread pudding we just had.
Here's Catherine Zeta Jones dressed as blood to tell us about the float she's on:
"..."
Oh.
Oh! It's a matzoh cutout of Catherine Zeta Jones dressed as blood. How...metastic! Let's see who else is on board...
Oooh. It's TV's "The Simple Life"'s Nicole Richie...
And, wow! It's Destiny's Child. With Beyoncé!
And look who else came along for the ride! Chewbacca! We hear that for one week in spring he's delicious with butter.
Well, this has certainly been the most exciting float yet. And all thanks to the wonders of matzoh (we were fooled, CZJ!). Stay tuned for more Pesach surprises!
Here's Catherine Zeta Jones dressed as blood to tell us about the float she's on:
"..."
Oh.
Oh! It's a matzoh cutout of Catherine Zeta Jones dressed as blood. How...metastic! Let's see who else is on board...
Oooh. It's TV's "The Simple Life"'s Nicole Richie...
And, wow! It's Destiny's Child. With Beyoncé!
And look who else came along for the ride! Chewbacca! We hear that for one week in spring he's delicious with butter.
Well, this has certainly been the most exciting float yet. And all thanks to the wonders of matzoh (we were fooled, CZJ!). Stay tuned for more Pesach surprises!
The NB's Pesach Day Parade continues!
We're back! Boy, we just had some Munchkins'—they are de-licious.
Next up, we have Marilu Henner in a shimmering "Swarm of Frogs" gown designed by Bob Mackie accompanied by Skimbleshanks from the musical, Cats. They're on a purr-fectly meow-trageous float! We'll let Marilu tell you about it:
"Thank you so much, NB! What a beautiful day it is in New York City. We really couldn't have asked for better weather. I'm so glad I could be here to accompany my friend Skimbleshanks here on this feline fine float. What you see Skimbleshanks napping in is actually a cat cocoon made of matzoh!
Cats love the corrugated surface of the cocoon as well as the quiet space inside. And, for a week in spring, it's delicious with butter. Now I'm going to sing a song from Chicago."
Well, we seem to have lost even our audio hookup with Marilu. A cat cocoon made of matzoh, huh? What will they think of next? We'll find out after these messages...
Next up, we have Marilu Henner in a shimmering "Swarm of Frogs" gown designed by Bob Mackie accompanied by Skimbleshanks from the musical, Cats. They're on a purr-fectly meow-trageous float! We'll let Marilu tell you about it:
"Thank you so much, NB! What a beautiful day it is in New York City. We really couldn't have asked for better weather. I'm so glad I could be here to accompany my friend Skimbleshanks here on this feline fine float. What you see Skimbleshanks napping in is actually a cat cocoon made of matzoh!
Cats love the corrugated surface of the cocoon as well as the quiet space inside. And, for a week in spring, it's delicious with butter. Now I'm going to sing a song from Chicago."
Well, we seem to have lost even our audio hookup with Marilu. A cat cocoon made of matzoh, huh? What will they think of next? We'll find out after these messages...
The NB's Pesach Day Parade begins!
Our first float in today's Pesach Day Parade features something truly astonishing! It's a house, an entire house, made of matzoh!
Why? Well, here's Kelly Ripa dressed up as a locust* to tell us:
"Thanks, NB! Because this house is made of matzoh, it's environmentally friendly. The material is recyclable! It's also easy to assemble, and, for one week in the spring, delicious with butter! Back to you!"
Great job, plague! We mean Kelly.
We'll return to the NB's Pesach Day Parade after these messages...
*We lost the satellite feed, so we can only provide transcripts of what the correspondents report. Use your imaginations!
Why? Well, here's Kelly Ripa dressed up as a locust* to tell us:
"Thanks, NB! Because this house is made of matzoh, it's environmentally friendly. The material is recyclable! It's also easy to assemble, and, for one week in the spring, delicious with butter! Back to you!"
Great job, plague! We mean Kelly.
We'll return to the NB's Pesach Day Parade after these messages...
*We lost the satellite feed, so we can only provide transcripts of what the correspondents report. Use your imaginations!
The NB's Pesach Day Parade!
Were it not Pesach, we would have called this post "Bucky Done Gone," in honor of the semi-retarded Bucky being booted from "American Idol" last night. However, because hundreds of years ago someone saw a cloud that looked like a malicious angel, today is, in fact, Pesach. For those not familiar with Pesach (a.k.a. Passover), it's a holiday only Jews could have come up with: it kicks off with a seder, which, translated from the Yiddish, means roughly, "Meal with disgusting food representing, of course, suffering." Following that, Jews are not permitted to eat anything leavened for a week because apparently flour was in short supply in the desert. (Strangely enough, Jews are permitted to drink water.) Anyway, the unleavened bread Jews eat is called matzoh, which, roughly translated from the Yiddish, means "cardboard."
Now, you might be asking yourself, Oh, NB editor, aren't you Jewish? Technically, yes. Practicingly, of course not—we're already salivating over the lobster roll we're making Pyotr get us for lunch. But, we do love a good theme, so today, in honor of Pesach, we'll be devoting every post to Passover. And we can promise you wholeheartedly that it will be as unexciting as it sounds.
Enjoy!
Now, you might be asking yourself, Oh, NB editor, aren't you Jewish? Technically, yes. Practicingly, of course not—we're already salivating over the lobster roll we're making Pyotr get us for lunch. But, we do love a good theme, so today, in honor of Pesach, we'll be devoting every post to Passover. And we can promise you wholeheartedly that it will be as unexciting as it sounds.
Enjoy!
4.12.2006
B-I-N-G-
This article led us to...
This site, which led us to...
This column which is now...
Our favorite column ever. Give us an I-5, Auntie!
This site, which led us to...
This column which is now...
Our favorite column ever. Give us an I-5, Auntie!
John heard that number.
Sure, we've been posting some links to mp3s lately. So sue us! (Seriously, sue us. Seven interns are threatening to jump ship if they don't get something to do—we think our justice system would make perfect sense to a bunch of non-English speaking children.) Anyhoots, please enjoy this recording, via NPR, of Neko Case's April 9 show at the 9:30 Club in Washington, District of Columbia.
ADDENDUM:
A nice companion interview.
ADDENDUM:
A nice companion interview.
Nobody takes me to bed and to the cleaners in one night.
We adore both catfights and caviar, so imagine our delight at finding out about this. Just imagine, Dex.
228.
Yesterday afternoon, something momentous happened. TV One, the fledgling black network, has been airing "227" several times a day. Obviously we have been recording every episode. Well, thanks to a tip from our friend Nato, last night we realized we had captured episode 91 of "227."
Sandra: Wha's episode 91?
Mary: (setting the dinner table) Child, don't you have your own apartment?
Sandra: I do, but Maurice is up there. You know Maurice? The five-star chef? Let's just say we spent the afternoon heating things up and now he's coooooooling down.
(Mary rolls her eyes.)
Mary: Well, why don't you go pretend the restaurant's on fire and throw a bucket of cold water on him?
Sandra: Oh, Mary, you're no fun.
Mary: Sandra, I am trying to make dinner for Lester and Brenda. Now either help me or get back to your fry daddy.
Sandra: I'll go as soon as you tell me what this mysterious episode 91 is all about. I love mysteries!
Mary: (exasperated) Fine. Episode 91 is the one where you go to New York City to work in a gym and suddenly the show is called "Jackée" and the credits are different and so are all the characters.
Sandra: Huh?
Mary: It was a failed attempt at a spin-off, child. And you were the star. Wait. Let me re-phrase that. You were the star of a failed spin-off.
(Mary laughs.)
Sandra: Oh, Mary, you're so cruel.
(Sandra sashays to the door.)
Mary: Goodnight, Sandra.
Sandra: Hmph. You ruined it.
Mary: I'm sure you'll recover.
Sandra: Oh yeah. Maurice hasn't had his dessert. Ooooooooooooooooh!
(Sandra leaves.)
Sandra: Wha's episode 91?
Mary: (setting the dinner table) Child, don't you have your own apartment?
Sandra: I do, but Maurice is up there. You know Maurice? The five-star chef? Let's just say we spent the afternoon heating things up and now he's coooooooling down.
(Mary rolls her eyes.)
Mary: Well, why don't you go pretend the restaurant's on fire and throw a bucket of cold water on him?
Sandra: Oh, Mary, you're no fun.
Mary: Sandra, I am trying to make dinner for Lester and Brenda. Now either help me or get back to your fry daddy.
Sandra: I'll go as soon as you tell me what this mysterious episode 91 is all about. I love mysteries!
Mary: (exasperated) Fine. Episode 91 is the one where you go to New York City to work in a gym and suddenly the show is called "Jackée" and the credits are different and so are all the characters.
Sandra: Huh?
Mary: It was a failed attempt at a spin-off, child. And you were the star. Wait. Let me re-phrase that. You were the star of a failed spin-off.
(Mary laughs.)
Sandra: Oh, Mary, you're so cruel.
(Sandra sashays to the door.)
Mary: Goodnight, Sandra.
Sandra: Hmph. You ruined it.
Mary: I'm sure you'll recover.
Sandra: Oh yeah. Maurice hasn't had his dessert. Ooooooooooooooooh!
(Sandra leaves.)
4.11.2006
Help me, Furonda.
So we just watched the dirty scrap of a sneak preview that UPN sends us every week because of our status as an official "America's Next Top Model" whore-for-yet-unseen-swag. Guys, on tomorrow night's episode, Brooke totally drops her purse during a practice runway walk, and Nnnnnnnnnn totally laughs at her. For rils.
Oh, just watch Jade's Cover Girl commercial again. We are praying to Mandisa that they let her stay till the final three.
Which reminds us—don't forget that tonight is Queen night on "American Idol," which, as the name implies in so many ways, means that it will be even gayer than usual. Unfortunately, it will not be any more watchable than usual.
Oh, just watch Jade's Cover Girl commercial again. We are praying to Mandisa that they let her stay till the final three.
Which reminds us—don't forget that tonight is Queen night on "American Idol," which, as the name implies in so many ways, means that it will be even gayer than usual. Unfortunately, it will not be any more watchable than usual.
Ms. Warner goes to Washington.
Let's check in with someone who's totally crazy busy, or at least just crazy busy: Lisa Whelchel...
This week's journal entry starts off with the very promising, "In most of my journal entries I tend to be very wordy and forget to bring my camera so there are few pictures. Well, last week and this week should balance that out a bit. I’ve taken LOTS of pictures lately."
She and her brother, Casey, met in Washington D.C. where Lisa was invited to the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Dinner where Vice President Dick Cheney was to be the keynote speaker. Of course she was!
Here are Lisa and Casey at said dinner (the hideous turquoise thing underneath Lisa's hideous tuxedress will be explained in a moment):
And here's Casey with a hilarious cardboard cutout of George W. Bush!
(Is it just us, or is Casey kinda cute in this pic? Sorry. Forget we ever said anything.)
Casey and Lisa did all sorts of sightseeing stuff in D.C.—you can read the thrilling tales in the complete journal entry. However, as promised, we will excerpt the highlight, a tale of forgetfulness so thrilling that you'll be at the edge of your seat (which you will have moved to the edge of the roof of the building you're in):
We made three way-too-quick visits to the American Indian, Natural History, and Air & Space museums. It was while racing through the dinosaur exhibit that it suddenly hit me out of nowhere – I forgot to pack the silver shell that goes with the dress I was suppose to wear in just a couple of hours.
The duo then visited the Capitol but were ordered to stay at least 5,000 feet away from it...
(Um, sorry, Casey Whelchel is totally our new crush. Those Chucks are adorable.)
Of course, Lisa made them go to the National Cathedral...
...but obviously Casey wasn't having any of it. Who wants to schlep all the way out to the cathedral which isn't near any of the museums, government buildings, documents on parchment etc? Not our Casey!
However, we have to give credit to Lisa for one stroke of sheer brilliance:
"...we stumbled onto “The Blair House.” I couldn’t resist; I had to take a photo op at 'my' residence."
Alas, this final photo proves that even thecraziest busiest of Christians can allow a bit of intentional humor to rise to the surface occasionally. Which is so great. Especially for those with the patience to wait around for such incidents. We'll just stick to skimming the journal every few months. Especially the Casey-centric entries! Call us!
Godspeed.
ADDENDUM:
We're just reading about Casey's wife's bridal shower (sorry, guys) and had to post this quote:
"We were supposed to have queso dip but, first, Clancy put the Costco-size can of chili in the crock pot and then I forgot to turn it on. Either way, the Children of Israel could have made bricks out of it."
That is all.
This week's journal entry starts off with the very promising, "In most of my journal entries I tend to be very wordy and forget to bring my camera so there are few pictures. Well, last week and this week should balance that out a bit. I’ve taken LOTS of pictures lately."
She and her brother, Casey, met in Washington D.C. where Lisa was invited to the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Dinner where Vice President Dick Cheney was to be the keynote speaker. Of course she was!
Here are Lisa and Casey at said dinner (the hideous turquoise thing underneath Lisa's hideous tuxedress will be explained in a moment):
And here's Casey with a hilarious cardboard cutout of George W. Bush!
(Is it just us, or is Casey kinda cute in this pic? Sorry. Forget we ever said anything.)
Casey and Lisa did all sorts of sightseeing stuff in D.C.—you can read the thrilling tales in the complete journal entry. However, as promised, we will excerpt the highlight, a tale of forgetfulness so thrilling that you'll be at the edge of your seat (which you will have moved to the edge of the roof of the building you're in):
We made three way-too-quick visits to the American Indian, Natural History, and Air & Space museums. It was while racing through the dinosaur exhibit that it suddenly hit me out of nowhere – I forgot to pack the silver shell that goes with the dress I was suppose to wear in just a couple of hours.
We hopped in a cab and asked him to take us to the nearest store. Either he didn’t speak English and didn’t know what I said, or it was just because he was a guy. Either way, he dropped us off at this dumpy basement store that had absolutely nothing! I grabbed a shirt that looked kind of silvery/blue (only to discover when I put it on that night that it was actually greenish/turquoise.)
Stupid immigrant or guy! We'd like to get our hands on him to let him know just whose night he, in fact, ruined. Mostly because it caused us to have to hear about it.
Anyway, after surviving the "shell" debacle, Casey and Lisa visited the White House...
...which was, in fact, covered by the national news...
The duo then visited the Capitol but were ordered to stay at least 5,000 feet away from it...
(Um, sorry, Casey Whelchel is totally our new crush. Those Chucks are adorable.)
Of course, Lisa made them go to the National Cathedral...
...but obviously Casey wasn't having any of it. Who wants to schlep all the way out to the cathedral which isn't near any of the museums, government buildings, documents on parchment etc? Not our Casey!
However, we have to give credit to Lisa for one stroke of sheer brilliance:
"...we stumbled onto “The Blair House.” I couldn’t resist; I had to take a photo op at 'my' residence."
Alas, this final photo proves that even the
Godspeed.
ADDENDUM:
We're just reading about Casey's wife's bridal shower (sorry, guys) and had to post this quote:
"We were supposed to have queso dip but, first, Clancy put the Costco-size can of chili in the crock pot and then I forgot to turn it on. Either way, the Children of Israel could have made bricks out of it."
That is all.
The English victim.
According to the Hollywood Reporter, "Power couple William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman -- who are crazy busy with two pre-schoolers, her ABC series 'Desperate Housewives,' assorted film projects, and his never-ending list of character roles, scripts to write, and voice-over gigs -- still made time to visit the Sarasota Film Festival this past weekend." Yes, apparently it is now perfectly acceptable to use "crazy busy" when describing a person or persons who once would have been perhaps only "extremely busy" or even "tremendously busy." Thank you, Hollywood Reporter, for legitimizing language formerly only heard at Claire's and on lines for Benchwarmers. Sorry! Props. We meant props.
4.10.2006
TVGasm used the only worthy headline.
This bit of genius is from Friday, but it's less than a week old, which is basically "breaking news" for this site. Anyway, apparently Friday's episode of "Tyra" was devoted to Tyra helping people overcome their fears. Because she already put on a fat suit. Please enjoy.
I said "action!"
There are so many possibilities for this one that we'll just list them all...
•Too bad Andy Warhol's dead!
•Hollywood tries to revive the silent movie.
•Hope you ordered the extra-large popcorn.
•You haven't been terrified until you've been Terrified.
•Meet your vegetables.
•This may not be your idea of a feel-good movie, but at least you'll feel something.
•"Coma" see this movie—your "tose" will thank you.
(Shut up about the last one. We promised Hop-Lin we'd use it. He's the only one who abstained from the Lucky Charms. She is. Sorry.)
•Too bad Andy Warhol's dead!
•Hollywood tries to revive the silent movie.
•Hope you ordered the extra-large popcorn.
•You haven't been terrified until you've been Terrified.
•Meet your vegetables.
•This may not be your idea of a feel-good movie, but at least you'll feel something.
•"Coma" see this movie—your "tose" will thank you.
(Shut up about the last one. We promised Hop-Lin we'd use it. He's the only one who abstained from the Lucky Charms. She is. Sorry.)
In fact, he knowses his toeses aren't roses.
We weren't going to post anything about Gwyneth's new baby, but after learning his name, we now think it's imperative for as many people as possible to try to destroy her.
Intermission.
We haven't forgotten about you, kids! It's just that the interns got into the Lucky Charms, and now they're bouncing off the walls. It's a disaster. We'll return shortly...
Lovely, lovely, lovely.
We predict this will last one episode, a la "Mirrorball," and the remaining six will just be the 34th season of "Absolutely Fabulous." Which is fine, as long as Dawn French stays.
No, not pounds. Pounds.
Jesus, England, Mollie Sue gets eliminated and all you can do is make a fancy sandwich. How un-neighbourly.
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