This Kreiss must die.

Occasionally we are so hungover that, being unable to move from the bed and therefore having only a laptop to entertain us, we run out of Internet and are forced to visit the Web site of the New York Times. Usually we spend about three to four minutes perusing movie reviews summaries and staring at Maureen Dowd's mesmerizing face. However, occasionally a visit to this site proves tremendously fruitful, as evidenced by yesterday morning's visit.

Meet Loren Kreiss, 24-year-old furniture executive and the NB's newest, greatest enemy.

Mr. Kreiss was basically sent by his parents to New York to head up the East Coast expansion of their West Coast home goods chain, Kreiss. The Times saw fit to devote a two-page article to him in the hilariously named "Real Estate" section because he lives in "a tricked-out 1,500-square-foot luxury loft in the Chelsea Mercantile Building, at Seventh Avenue and 24th Street." We learn that "the bedroom features a seven-foot-tall mirror and a king-size bed dressed in a 320-thread-count duvet that's been chewed up by Mr. Kreiss's beloved rat terrier, Dexter. The living room, with its travertine marble console, off-white couch and a large flat-screen TV used for watching boxing matches, has the air of a pleasant, well-designed furniture showroom."

Wonderful. This would be spine-tingling enough if the young Kreiss had actually had to do any work for this Times-worthy setup. Alas, he did and does not. Sure, "at 21, he headed east to supervise Kreiss's Florida operations, becoming [sic] the first family member in four generations to live outside of California." But, in reality, we all know that he's very simply a Kreiss puppet for his parents to intimidate non-Kreiss Kreiss workers with. He's a name. Living in an enormous apartment paid for by his parents. And sure, Father Kreiss may have once said to his son, "'I know you're having fun with your music...but at the end of the day I won't be paying your rent any longer, and it would mean a lot to the family if you would join the business. I think you could really help.'" But, in reality, as long as the Kreiss furniture business is employing young Kreiss, dad is paying the rent. Try to find the part of the article that details young Kreiss's day-to-day duties. You can't. It's not there.

What is there? Lots of wonderful stuff. Let us show you:

•"He collects cool things, like 2,194 "friends" on myspace.com, an antique Coke machine and 15,000 songs on his hard drive. His vintage wristwatch is a fashion accessory, not a tool."
•"The walls of his own apartment, for instance, are marked by a startling series of enlarged panels from an unpublished graphic novel he wrote, titled 'The Artifact and the Manipulated Living.'
•"Mr. Kreiss writes his graphic novels on his BlackBerry while working out on an elliptical trainer at the gym. His latest effort, titled 'Ash,' is the story of a girl who repeatedly wakes on the same day in the same house but on a different street. She never ages as she makes this existential journey."
•"Mr. Kreiss hopes to publish the novel in book form. But its first appearance will be as wallpaper in a 750-square-foot Chelsea apartment that Mr. Kreiss is currently decorating for a young client. As part of his company's design services, Mr. Kreiss will write and produce a custom graphic wallpaper novel for anyone who wants it."

Fan-tastic. Not only does this spoiled elliptical trainee look like Jai Rodriguez, but he fancies himself a writer and a collector of "cool things." All this, in itself, is immediate cause for Kreiss's destruction, but the little bastard has to take it a step further and tarnish the name "Loren," a name we hold quite close to our heart. Ugh infinity.

Alas, we will say two good things about this article.

1.)After reading it Sunday morning, we immediately threw up and got rid of the nasty hangover. And, our bathroom is basically in the bed area of our 4.6-square-foot studio, so none of the "cool things" like the $40 IKEA lamp or the errant bottle of Febreeze were harmed. P-h-e-w.

2.)Young Kriess, you may have been profiled in the Times, but please be aware that because of this article, finely illustrating all that is wrong with New York City, we know where you live.


Unknown said...

His watch may not be a tool, but he sure is...

Anonymous said...

check this shit out:

tiffany5555 said...

hey may be a tool but at least he's kinda funny

Anonymous said...

In the Gawker 10 questions, Kreiss totally misses the point of whether or not he is "missing what it means to be young in NYC." He just totally misses it. I hate him and everything he stands for.

Anonymous said...

what a faggot

Anonymous said...

mmnnueehh i think he's cool