Lovin', Touchin', Appendectomyin'.

For the sake of Atlantic City, Long Island keeps the wheel in the sky turnin'.

Not quite atomic.

Sorry, Katrina aftermath, you've been downgraded from Hiroshima to "almost like a nightmare." Ouch. Don't worry, though—we underestimated you when you were active. We know better now.

Charlotte's web.

Charlotte Church takes a page from the Shirley Bassey handbook and calls drugly rocker and sometime-Mr.-Kate-Moss Pete Doherty a wanker. Doherty, meanwhile, has been compared to an inflatable penis by Liam Gallagher, and a "Make Doherty History" campaign has been suggested by Damon Albarn. Most of all, none of this is of any consequence to anyo...mmmm...Damon Albarn...

Kampf ire.

Apparently the moral cap on the number of times you're allowed to play Hitler is five.

More Than a Woman.

As impossible as this sounds, Saturday Night Fever is going to become even gayer than it originally was.

Stalking points.

Super-sensitive FOX News provides a helpful article on where to find celebs* for some end-of-summer stalker fun.



*Please note that as of publication of this article, no celebrities will be found in any location mentioned in said article. Also please note that no celebrity has been found at Marquee or Bungalow 8 since 2003.

Lightly Sharred.

Shar Jackson, ex Mrs. Federlines and sometime Tarantino companion, just did a photoshoot for Star magazine. Or, someone got his hands on a roll of her film. We can't tell. We're too busy dying of laughter. And sadness.

Turning Japanese.

As Katrina 10-bladed Chinese throwing stars its way into New York City, we'd like to alert our friends down south that their aftermath has been upgraded from tsunami to Hiroshima. Sadly, the NB will not be providing any parody song to accompany this change, as there's really nothing funny about radiation sickness. We promise, however, to report on any subsequent disaster comparisons as they come in.

NB exclusive.

Guys, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are dating! And they're going to announce it soon! That little Zahara must have put a love spell on Brad today!

Whitney's samplers.

The wonderfully Whitneycentric fourfour gives us its top 20 quotes of the first season of "Being Bobby Brown," with pics, of course! Our personal fave is #16. Or #18. Or #7. We can't decide!



(Oh, by the way, is anyone still watching "The Surreal Life"? We, like, totally forgot about it.)

Museumclozen.

Vienna, Austria? FAN-tastic place for museums.

Graz? Not so much.

Please keep unplugged.

W-i-i-ild horses couldn't drag me anywhere near this crapfest. Oh, wait, the Maroon 5 singer is participating? That totally changes EVERYTHING. Oh, wait, no, it totally doesn't.

I'll be doing Meserve's "Katrina."

CNN correspondent Jeanne Meserve, who was covering The Wrath of Katrina®, wept openly in a 10-minute interview with CNN anchor Aaron Brown. UK Digital Spy generously provides a transcript of that harrowing conversation. Unfortunately, the transcript does not make clear where the weeping occurred, so we suggest that you print it out, grab a buddy and re-enact it, inserting weeping where you feel it would be appropriate. As well, we think the opening monologue would make a wonderfully effective dramatic audition piece.

With huge, HUGE apologies to the Knack.

Oh you crazy hurricane, hurricane,
You're killing tons of people like that Thai tsunami!
Because you are so similar, so similar
We'll forego Katrina and apply "tsunami"!
Oh, please would you stop, give it up.
Such an evil storm. Always churning up so much muck of the cajun kind.
My, my, my, yi, eye-—WHOO!
M-m-m-my tsunami!

Oh now what is happening? Happening?
Things are getting quiet. It's the eye, tsunami.
Keeping things all right would be, terribly
Easy, so again you make things fly, tsunami.
Oh, please would you stop, give it up.
Such an angry storm. Always churning up so much muck of the gumbo kind.
My, my, my, yi, eye-—WHOO!
M-m-m-my tsunami!

Just look at the Superdome, that mobile home,
Not to mention Paul Prudhomme. Why, tsunami?
We'll sit here all soaking wet. Where's my pet?
We cannot clean up until we're dry, tsunami.
Oh, please would you stop, give it up.
Such a beastly storm. Always churning up so much muck of the bayou kind.
My, my, my, yi, eye-—WHOO!
M-m-m-my tsunami!

Melanie Griffith grumbles.

According to FemaleFirst, Melanie Griffith says she finds aging "scary and humiliating." Which is why she now looks like this:



(Oh—any mention of Melanie Griffith warrants a link to her Web site. Always.)

No news is real news.

Which do we like better?

The NY Daily News's "deadly, yet awesome" headline...



or the NY Post's "let's make up a false-yet-sexual number" headline?

Absinthe you've been gone.

For fans of Daniel Handler's The Basic Eight, here's a site from which you can buy all kinds of absinthes. Or you can just mix a bottle of hot sauce with a bottle of Scope and infuse it with some black Twizzlers (we have interns to "pay"!). Either way, you'll be singing Elton John tunes to Nicole Kidman on a giant elephant.

Did y'all hear about Katrina?

MSNBC continues its headline-related winning streak:

You're not that super, Superdome.

So, we could have given you the bits about Gwyneth Paltrow telling Brad Pitt to keep his private life private or Chelsea Clinton being single again. But we went with the hard-hitting news. You may be able to plan for a hurricane, but you can't avoid it. Unless you live in most of the United States. Tomorrow, we promise to get back to the crap that doesn't matter, the crap that usually involves only dignity dying, or, in the case of rap mogul® Suge Knight, a leg. Or not. We don't know. We don't even know what intern Caramella is making us for dinner. We hope it's something spicy. But not gumbo. That would just be disrespectful.

Don't it feel good? Hey! All right now!

The NB award for Best Hurricane Katrina Headline of '05 of the Century easily goes to MSNBC. New Orleans, we hope you have prescription drug coverage.

Damon weighs in.

Oh, Jesus—Digital Spy is reporting on Contact Music reports. This hurricane really is affecting millions of people. Well, at least Hilary Duff is willing to help out.

Thar she blows.

For those of you who loved Lord of the Rings but wished there was more fucking, comes Pirates. It's an all-new swashbuckling porn adventure starring some of the top names in straight porn: Jesse Jane, Janine, Jenaveve Jolie and Carmen Luvana (research indicates that, with the exception of Jesse Jane, those are all their real names). Pirates is described as such:

The most comprehensive and ambitious adult production to date, “PIRATES” is a monumental step towards the eminent merging of the entertainment industries. The entire production was shot and mastered on High Definition and combines over 300 special effects shots. With a professional script, an original music score and true 5.1surround mix offering all of the production values of any Hollywood box office film while still encompassing the erotic feelings and sexual mores of an adult film. With 10 of the most arousing sex scenes in the history of erotic cinema, awe-inspiring Incan magic and grandiose sea battles, "PIRATES" is an action packed, electrifying and swashbuckling sex-tale. Presented on a triple disc set, "PIRATES" sets a new standard in adult production.

Wow. And, get ready for this, the film is presented in a 3-DVD set (yes, that's the same amount of discs as the Critereon Collection's set of Terry Gilliam's Brazil), complete with both Standard DVD and WMV-HD DVD formats of the movie. Additional features include 16x9 Widescreen Format, Bloopers, Casting Video, Photo Gallery, Audio Commentary with the Stars, Behind the Scenes, Visual FX Making of, HD Behind the Scenes, Pirates Short, Bios, Trailers, Chapter Index and No Regional Coding.

While porn bloops are ALWAYS a good time, we have to say we're a wee bit intrigued by the audio commentary, though we fear that after approximately two minutes of listening to Devon describe how amazing the whole experience was you guys, we'd blow our heads off.

Instead, we'll let male star Evan Stone wrap this whole thing up nicely:

“...never before in the history of porn has a movie been made of such grandeur and epic proportions as Joone’s “PIRATES...this is one of the most inspiring movies I have ever done to date.”

As she would have wanted.

We are so happy Yahoo image search is finally able to give Barbara Bel Geddes the respect she deserves.

And don't it feel good!

The best way to get something done is to have someone else do it for you! That's why we're happy to feature some Katrina-related quotes and stuffs sent by our good friend and longtime reader Michelle, which may or may not be her real name depending on how she feels about being associated with this site. And she may be a boy. He may be.

Michelle read the San Francisco Chronicle's article we featured in our first post of the day and pulled some of its favorite quotes:

At the hotel Le Richelieu in New Orleans' French Quarter, the winds blew open sets of balcony doors shortly after dawn. Seventy-three-year-old Josephine Elow pressed her weight against the broken doors as a hotel employee tried to secure them.

"It's not life-threatening," Mrs. Elow said as rain water dripped from her face. "God's got our back."

We have to agree that that's pretty phenomenal, mostly because it features a 73-year-old woman trying to hold back 150mph winds. Life-threatening winds.

However, not everyone is with Mrs. Elow.

"I'm expecting that some people who are die-hards will die hard," parish council President Aaron Broussard said.

Well, Parish council presidents have never been known for their sensitivity.

Themacane.

Wait, there is a bigger threat to humanity than Katrina...

Katrina and the waves.

Since obviously no kinds of shenanistons are going to be reported today, we'll just focus on the Great Hurricane of the Doomsday Century of '05. Specifically, we'll post some of our favorite headlines. And, you're welcome to send us some of yours, too! Just email NervyB@gmail.com. And if you're hot and single, include a pic and phone number. Thanks!

FOX News, of course, states that "Katrina Whips New Orleans."

In related reporting, The San Francisco Chronicle opens with "Katrina Pounds New Orleans."

The Courier-Mail of Australia writes that "Hurricane Screams Ashore." Subtle personification.

From the Associated Press, via the Asbury Park Press, "Hurricane would leave area under toxic swamp."

Not so much a headline as an opening sentence, the Globe and Mail goes with "New Orleans: walled city under attack."

We love the Indianapolis Star for this: "Katrina May Turn City into Atlantis."

The always dependable New York Daily News has "Hurricane Hell in New Orleans."

Not to be outdone by the Daily News, the NY Post names its cover story, well, here's a visual aid (please note: the Post has put its catastrophes in order of importance)...



The UK's Manchester Evening News makes catastrophe sexy with "Hurricane Kat Prowls the US."

Besides those, right now we have lots of "hammers," "slams," "smashes," etc. We'll keep you posted as the hyperbole continues to lash us with its fury.

All heavenly roads lead to Kirk Cameron.

All right, anytime a Cameron goes a little bit more bananas, we have to post. Enjoy.

Tippi Hedren, Princess of Wales.

Wethinks today is going to be a summer Friday for us here at the critically acclaimed NB. The interns are all cranky and hungry, and the feds are threatening random basket searches again. However, it would be a sin for us to not give you anything to marginally enjoy (and we may post here and there—one can never really know). So...

Set to be unveiled this weekend at Harrod's in London, "Innocent Victims," a bronze statue to honor the fallen Dodi and Diana, with some liberties taken...

Miss America comes to her senses.

Let me out! LET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Found and lost.

No-one found. Boyfriend Newton-John, still missing.

As you were.

All bump, no grind.

Next Monday, if you see lots of steroidal gays clutching laptops and wandering aimlessly around 8th Avenue and 21st Street, here's why.

Look, Teri, Margaret Cho is eating!

From this picture of the premiere of her new show, Assassin, it looks like Margaret Cho has put a little weight on. We hope that means she's funny again! The notoriously skinny Margaret Cho was, to put it mildly, NOT FUNNY.



In other gay news, here are some pics from Rufus Wainwright and Ben Folds's "Odd Men Out" tour. We remember seeing Wainwright back in a club on Houston Street in the late '90s when only a super-elite cache of gays knew about him. We were in the front row. We also remember seeing Folds at Summerstage in Central Park. Well, not seeing, really. Hearing. We were too cheap to buy tickets. YOU CAN STILL BE ELITE AND NOT SPEND MONEY, YOU KNOW. JESUS.

Teri Hatcher's skull needs a gag.

SHUT UP, y'old bag o' bones!

Kidman and kid cancer.

FemaleFirst brings us this item today. Apparently after reading about him in the New York Post, Nicole Kidman decided to make an impromptu appearance at the bedside of six-year-old Australian cancer patient, Dylan Hartung. However, the kid wasn't impressed by Kidman alone. He told her his two wishes were to meet Angelina Jolie (who is apparently not making unscheduled bedside cameos yet) and to beat cancer. Kidman then promised to bring Jolie with her on a future visit. Before you jump to conclusions and call this kid the luckiest kid ever, the article ends with this statement:

Kidman, who promised to take Hartung to the cinema, returned three days later and accompanied the youngster to The Dukes of Hazzard.

Kidman later went on to say, "Angelina was busy with Zahara and Maddox, so I thought I'd take Dylan to see The Dukes of Hazzard. Unfortunately he removed his respirator after five minutes, but at least I helped him beat cancer. That was one of his wishes."

The NB would like to thank Nicole Kidman for doing her part in the battle against deadly, yet occasionally beatable diseases.

Y tu Webster, tambien.

During our intense research for our last post, we came across this picture and thought we'd share. It's apparently from a Spanish site and is called "Punky y Webster."

A Rose by any other name.

Boob reductress Soleil Moon Frye has given birth to a baby girl. She and her husband, the ridiculously named Jason Goldberg, have deemed her Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg. Their first choice, Punky Brewster, was apparently the name of a 1980s sitcom character, and they were insistent on being original.

Free Michael Vartan.

Yesterday it was reported that Michael Vartan, "Alias"'s Michael Vaughn, shot his final scenes of the show last week. Meaning, they killed him off. Meaning, he is now free of the sinking, Mia Maestro-infested ship that is "Alias." Of course, some people (with LOTS of time and computer skills) are utterly incensed and have begun the online MV CAMPAIGN to save Michael Vaughn.



Here is a bit from the site:

For the past four years many of us have invested our time, emotions and money in support of Alias. We have been drawn in by the plots, characters and the actors who portray them. Now as we are about to venture into the 5 th season, we find out that we may be losing one of the most integral, beloved, and interesting characters on the show.

Many of us feel that if this were to occur, it would be showing the show, the viewers, and Mr.Vartan a huge lack of both respect and loyalty. After four years, we feel the show, the viewers and Mr. Vartan deserve far more. So, we have decided to take action and do something to express our feelings to ABC, and Bad Robot.

Wow. That's all very moving. And by "moving," we mean "hilarious." Come on, people, if he's been killed off, which he most likely has been, he's not coming back. So go volunteer your time at your local soup kitchen or Starbucks and stop wasting the precious Internet's space with this nonsense. Or, better yet, consider how good he must feel to be off a show that has been sucking for as long as it was totally rad. Why not start a campaign to have him digitally removed from seasons 3 and 4? We'd totally sign that useless petition. But, no, you all have to play the pansy victims, the "How could you do this to us?" fat girls in black. Look, Michael Vartan can now concentrate on a film career or perhaps a career in a new, awesome television show. You'll all see Michael Vartan again, people. Only, when you do, he'll be much, much happier.

Thank you. We'd continue, but we've been inspired to begin HARBOR VICTOR GARBER and RESCUE RON RIFKIN Web campaigns. Stay tuned...

Hershey's kisses.

Here's what you've all been waiting for! Pictures of Naveen Andrews (Sayid from "Lost") and his girlfriend Barbara Hershey (not Bette Midler from "Beaches") on a beach in Hawaii. The captions say "muy sexy"! We say "muy creepy"!

The dancing nun.

Yesterday we reported on a report on a Belgian nun, Johanne Vertomme, who got in troubles for dancing "indecorously" with a missionary on Catholic Youth World Day (there was dancing??? We only got some cross-shaped funnel cake and two gummi rosaries). In our post, we asked if any of our reader wouldn't mind sending us the incriminating picture, as we were having trouble finding it.

WELL...

Intern Maristita checked her email today and found something from one johannevertomme@dancefever.com (very, very clever). It included this:



So, ladies and gentlemen, there it is. A visual aid of what not to do on Catholic Youth World Domination Day. We are proud not only to have the pic in our possession but also to have our very own Deep Throat. Thank you "Johanne Vertomme" for sending us on our way to Woodward-and-Bernsteinland.

Gott ya!

Apparently Victoria Gotti doesn't have breast cancer, after all. It was just a publicity stunt to promote the upcoming third season of some reality show she's on. This information came as a shock to no one because...say it with us...you have to have real breasts to get real breast cancer. Fortunately, her undeniable beauty, intelligence and compassion have not been threatened by this misunderstanding.

A beef with the ghetto.

If you're in Chicago, you can get, and may already have gotten yourself some Ghetto Fries. They're French fries being sold by Max's Famous Italian Beef on the North Side of what the kids used to call Chi-town. Ghetto Fries are fries topped with cheddar cheese, giardiniera, gravy, barbecue sauce and raw onions (apparently the first-choice name, Death Fries, was already taken by Vinny's Beef-a-rama in Union City). They're also pissing this Chicago Sun-Times writer off, as well as its food critic, Don Ross. Ross writes "I suggested they were made in Jewtown by colored slaves. What next? Wetback refritos?" After reading Ross's outrageously inappropriate comments, we at the NB would officially like to welcome Don Ross as its new food critic.

Waiting for Gervais.

Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy's next project will be called For Your Consideration and will cover an indie film crew who think they have a shot at an Oscar. Michael McKean, Bob Balaban and Parker Posey will all appear. So will Ricky Gervais. Consider this the best news ever of the day.

Indian burn.

In direct response to its being dropped from the list of top 10 party schools in the nation, Florida State University has been allowed to keep its Chief Osceola Seminole Indian mascot, thus encouraging students to irresponsibly drink and gamble. We're very proud of our alma mater's quick fix with this matter. We'll see you on the top 10 next year, Chief!

Would you BTK mine?

CBS, the network that pulled the Ronald Reagan TV movie after protests from fundamentalist Republican groups, is airing a BTK killer movie on October 9! We're sure this movie won't not run after those same Republicans don't protest its airing. It is, after all, about extremely violent serial killing and not American history.

In related news, the movie is being proudly sponsored by J.C. Penney's B.T. Kids line of children's clothing.