Tonight marks all the finales of the remaining shows that we've been fast-forwarding through this season.
"American Idol" on FOX — somehow they're going to stretch the final results show between the girl and the monster into a two hour "event." Yes, we know they do this every year, but since the body instinctively blocks out memories of pain and suffering, we can't remember how it's done. No matter. We'll be watching "Lost," anyway. Our pick for the winner? We thought it would be the girl all along, but people really seem to like the sasquatch. We'll go with the sasquatch, since only one male has won before and that male was also beastlike.
"Lost" on ABC — We heard the "Desperate Housewives" finale answered lots of questions and set up new ones for next season in a most satisfying way. We hope the same happens for "Lost." Because this is a J.J. Abrams show (see below), we don't expect that to be the case, even though in the bazillions of articles written about the show, the writers have promised they learned from "Twin Peaks"'s mistakes. All we're saying is that hatch better fucking open up and those numbers better be explained or we're outers. Like we should have been with...
"Alias" on ABC — When we left the super secret spy family last, they were plummeting toward a giant tomato hovering over some small Russian town that will probably ending up looking a lot like LA. We know you renewed the series, ABC, but there's still time. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, REMOVE THE FEEDING TUBE. PLEASE. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!