All dolled up with no one to mock.

OK, so today was a pretty big bust. Yes, we know. We were about to post this, for Christ's sake. But, we've thought about it for a long time, and we really feel that it's...you know...it's...you know...not us but you. We know you probably hear that all the time, or you think we got it from some movie or TV show, but it's true. You just haven't lived up to our low, low expectations today. We hope you'll do better tomorrow. We feel you will. Don't cry. It'll all be fine. Get some sleep. Go. Now. Shhhh.

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You're a pubescent, Harry!

Acneus removus!

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And I ran, I ran so far away.

Whilst fast-forwarding through the Miss Universe pageant last night (tu eres robbed, Miss Puerto Rico, TU ERES ROBBED!), we saw a commercial for this...

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...and upon visiting the official Web site, we found out it's going to be a weekly event! This week, A Flock of Seagulls, Arrested Development, Loverboy, CeCe Peniston and Tiffany will all perform one of their hits and a current hit. Then, the live audience votes on its favorite and one act wins! Alas, there is no information about what the prize is for winning, but we're pretty sure it's a $100 Sizzler gift certificate and a suicide prevention kit. For the audience.

Bad hair.

From the Phat Phree, the 50 worst hairstyles of all time. We hoped they'd use Donald Trump's hair as a jumping-off point, not as the number 1 worst hairstyle, but we'll forgive. We LOL-ed a little at "The Dangerzone" and "The Night Court."

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A Canadian Moffatt with a side of gross, please.

Have you heard of the Moffatts? They were/are a Canadian teen pop band with four members. One of them is called Dave Moffatt. He used to look like this...

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More recently he did a photoshoot for Toxicboy magazine, wherein he looked like this...

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We're only sharing this because we did not want to be laughing/feeling extremely dirty alone. Yes, there are more. Click on the above pic if you absolutely dare. We're going to take an acid shower. BRB.

Tyra Banks's alien head hypnotizes.

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Christian Slater goes off book.

At tonight's performance of The Glass Menagerie, the part usually played by Christian Slater will be played by his understudy. Thank you.

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Weekends are for memorializing.

Our very expensive and important server is being retooled (well!), so we're just going to call it a day.

A day.

Have a very enjoyable Memorial Day weekend, folks. We're jetting off for a lovely three-day stay in Gestadt, and by "jetting off for a lovely three-day stay in Gestadt," we mean, "not going anywhere." We'll see you on Tuesday!

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A Gotti...

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and Jocelyne Wildenstein...

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Lostzilla, in his own words.

You want to know what the "Lost" monster is? Click on the page below and zoom in on the lower portion. Thanks, Jared.

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Neither Olsen, nor Spears, nor Simpson, nor Fanning.

Who is this ungodly mess? (Hint: rectangle)

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Elijah Wood is very, very gay.

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If you've had it up to here with the Google Maps scavenger hunts, why not relax and just see the world from the comfort of your own ill-temperatured, institutional-carpeted cubicle? Just click on the Clarence Buckingham Fountain to see other, more exciting places you could be right now if you weren't stuck making money for someone else.

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Tyra fail.

A moment of silence, please.

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Fat fat fatty.

Is "Joey" still on?

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Lindsay Lohan multitasks.

We try to keep the NB Hilton-, Spears- and Lohan-free, but occasionally it's impossible.

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Wanted: a fan.

Lourdes?! Rocco?!? Mommy and her accent are hot!


Since we're in a sharing, giving mood today, we'd like to introduce you to this guy.

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We'll let him share in his own words...

I am very funny and very hunky and very smart and very very very humble European lol (a perfect match, ain't it?) Kidding . I am looking for a guy who's willing to share his life and his heart and get the same in return in a non-sexual love relationship. :) That's right - I am a born again Christian and I believe that there's nothing wrong with love as well as with sharing some intimacy but not when it comes to any form of pre-marital sex (including gay sex). I think that real love is really much more important than sex and sex is not necessary related to love . I am looking for good friends OR a special LOVE relationship if it happens. Send me a message if ya wanna stay in touch.

If you're looking for someone to share those quiet nights of cranberry spritzers and enlightening conversations about the virtues of having a great sense of humor and Lisa Whelchel, it's time to make that love connection. And if it works out, you have our complete permission to thank God first, Jesus second and us third.

Zellweger-Chesney wedding band.

OK, your first instinct is to blame Chesney for this tiny ring, but, perhaps before so hastily jumping to such a conclusion, consider the skeleton fingers he had to accommodate. Now who do you blame?

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Rod Roddy.


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Apparently, designing buildings is the new Friday.

A moment of thanks.

In today's Wall Street Journal (don't worry—like everything else on this site, we merely were lead to it by another blog) there's an article discussing just how many blogs exist and just how many people read them. Only five blogs seem to have more than 250,000 daily readers. You may be wondering if the NB is one of them. Well, friends, while we appreciate your support, we must say that the NB is not, in fact, a blog whose daily hits total over 250,000. Do we know how many daily hits we get? Why, yes, yes we do. But we choose to keep that information, like so much else, private. The bottom line is that we don't put any stock in numbers. If we are making at least one person's day more enjoyable, then we are satisfied. And, if we're being honest, the number of our daily readers rounded to either 250,000 or one, depending on what's closer, would equal one. And, no, this is not to pat ourselves on the back for toiling so hard for a small result. Well, a little it is. It's to thank you, whoever you are, for visiting, laughing, commenting, sending hate mail, rolling your eyes, giving your screen the finger, clapping and whatever else you do in the name of the NB. So. Thank you.


OK, we're not afraid to scrape the bottom in order to keep you entertained. Thus, click on the pic below for a site that will tell you if your favorite celebrity is circumcised or not!

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57 handkerchiefs draped over lamps.

Happy 57th birthday, Gold Dust Gypsy Witch Woman!

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Nick Carter is drunk again.


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Gossip-fueled art.

Usually if it's not real, we don't bother. We can make an exception for this bit of inspired lunacy. Nice work.

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Ryan Phillippe throws the gays a bone, again.

OK, gays and girl, here are some pics of Justin Timberlake Ryan Phillippe surfing.

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Carrie Un., my wayward sun.

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"Thank u, America! Bweh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

For more "Idol" finale coverage and a clip of Lindsey Cardinale still not being able to sing, visit the incomparable TVGasm.

Until next time, hugz and a single, diseasey kiss...

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Lost marbles.

What do 2, 3, 15, 16, 23 and 42 all have in common? No, they're not the ages of Prince Albert's illegitimate children. They're all responsible for this INSANITY. Honestly, we are now more intrigued by who the hell created this site than by the numbers themselves. For the love of god, people.

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Sith, too, shall pass.

Because the computers at NB headquarters are assholes, we can only go on hearsay that this site is hilarious if you have seen and hated the latest Star Wars disaster. And, really, REALLY, who hasn't?

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Those who are aboot to die...

If more people kill themselves, we'll go back to to the 24-hour thing, eh?

Crack is expensive.

Exhibit A.

Robbie Williams, now in candle.

Ladies and gentlemen, wax Robbie Williams, complete with chest hair!

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Gold star.

After looking at these photos, we'd like to applaud whoever came up with the Hollywood Walk of Fame idea (yes, we KNOW we could actually find out, but we're tired). This sneaky plan involves giving an actor something utterly meaningless, in this case an ugly plaque on a sidewalk, and then holding an unveiling ceremony for the plaque, at which the honored actor gets dressed up and is forced to act like a bigger asshole than he/she would if left to his/her own devices. We feel this brilliant tactic, as the tradition gets older and more familiar, goes unnoticed. Please allow us, then, to take note and commend.

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Singing babies.

Dear readers, we have let you down. Today we realized we have not made you privy to a phenomenon that should have been the subject of one of the earliest posts on the NB. For that, we apologize. Now, much too late but never too soon, please enjoy Singing Babies.

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Singing Babies is a DVD on which actual babies with their non-actual lips sing nursery rhymes. We could go on and on and on telling you about the sublime creepiness of it all, but we suggest you just visit the site and watch some of the sample video clips.

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If you're as moved by the site as we were, you may consider buying one of the DVDs. Please know that we totally, totally understand.

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Finale roundup.

Tonight marks all the finales of the remaining shows that we've been fast-forwarding through this season.

8 p.m.
"American Idol" on FOX — somehow they're going to stretch the final results show between the girl and the monster into a two hour "event." Yes, we know they do this every year, but since the body instinctively blocks out memories of pain and suffering, we can't remember how it's done. No matter. We'll be watching "Lost," anyway. Our pick for the winner? We thought it would be the girl all along, but people really seem to like the sasquatch. We'll go with the sasquatch, since only one male has won before and that male was also beastlike.

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"Lost" on ABC — We heard the "Desperate Housewives" finale answered lots of questions and set up new ones for next season in a most satisfying way. We hope the same happens for "Lost." Because this is a J.J. Abrams show (see below), we don't expect that to be the case, even though in the bazillions of articles written about the show, the writers have promised they learned from "Twin Peaks"'s mistakes. All we're saying is that hatch better fucking open up and those numbers better be explained or we're outers. Like we should have been with...

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10 p.m.
"Alias" on ABC — When we left the super secret spy family last, they were plummeting toward a giant tomato hovering over some small Russian town that will probably ending up looking a lot like LA. We know you renewed the series, ABC, but there's still time. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, REMOVE THE FEEDING TUBE. PLEASE. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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K.I.T., ho.

A Socialite's Life covered this, and we usually try to avoid repeat non-news posting (we can't bear to read Gawker or Perez, so we don't know if we repeat their crap), but because it's from our bananas home county (you know—the one responsible for the butterfly ballot of 2000), we wanted to mention it...

Basically, some moms did not find these Boyton Beach High School's yearbook "superlatives" funny and have gotten the school to try to recall the books from the students so stickers can be placed over the pictures. We don't know what's more hilarious, the problem or the solution, but here are the Lynndie Englandesque pics for your enjoyment...

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Free books.

Occasionally, VERY occasionally, we get an email asking us why this site, while somewhat entertaining in a last resort kind of way, doesn't ever focus on any intellectual pursuits. Well, while we don't have an answer for that except for you try to find something intellectual on the Internet, we can offer this:


BookCrossing is a site which arranges free book trades for its customers. If there's a book you want to read, you can see if someone in your city has it, and that person will leave it in a public place for you to pick up. Yes, not only do you get the book for free, you get to go on a little treasure hunt! Your latent inner pirate will spring to life with joy as you literally pursue intellect. What could be better than a site that actually makes reading somewhat exciting? Shut up.

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From the producers of the Prizzom comes something a little more...mature...

The Ghetto Fab-u-lous Wedding!

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A little touch of Star quality.

Rumor has it that a be-sequined Star Jones lip-synched to a previously recorded rendition of "I Will Always Love You" on "The View" today. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IF YOU HAVE A COPY OR CAN GET A COPY, PLEASE LET US KNOW!!! Javier Ortega, who is supposedly our Daytime Television intern, did not show up today because of his malaria. Alas, we were blindsided by this information. We have been searching for years for a companion piece to Meredith Vieira's performance of "Cabaret," and this would have been perfect. If Javier doesn't die, he is so fucking fired.

Little Rudy comes home.


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Fruitless pursuit.

Intelligence is relative (or, click here to see how much you don't know).

You're a bookie, Harry!

This is London reports that a betting Web site has been pummeled with wagers on the death of a major character in the new Harry Potter novel. It wouldn't be news but for that the bets are coming from the town of Bungay! Not Bungay! Yes, Bungay! The town in which the new book is being printed! Ahhhhhhh, Bungay! Obviously, those who must not be named are furious that someone has leaked sensitive Potter information to the public. If you would like to be privy to the information of which major character may die in the next sure-to-be-enormous Pottventure, please click the collage below...

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