RATE KATRINA'S CELEBRITY RESCUE EFFORTS!
In the aftermath of one of the country's worst natural disasters, celebrities themselves are getting into the thick of things via personal (and not-so-personal) rescue efforts. We here at the NB feal morally obliged to report and rate said efforts. We will be updating this very important post all day long and even througout the week if we have to (we also may keep this post at the top of the page, so please look below it for new posts). And, if you have pics or info that we don't mention, send it to us at NervyB@gmail.com!
So...
As previously mentioned, Sean Penn's personal boat sprung a leak amidst his rescue work. That said and done, he did manage to bring several people to dry land. Sean Penn's celebrity rescue effort rates, on a scale of 1 to 5 Superdomes, 2.5 Superdomes. You may consider that ungenerous, but it is Sean Penn, and he was trying to remove the water with a paper cup.
This morning, Harry Connick, Jr. saved an old man from his home. All right. However, Mr. Connick, Jr. removed his shirt to do so. We have no pictures yet, but this television station is occasionally rerunning the clip. Anyway, obviously Harry Connick, Jr. nets 5 Superdomes for making rescuing sexy again.
Soul singer Fats Domino went missing last week after refusing to leave his home in the 9th Ward. He was eventually found in the floodwaters and had to be rescued by the authorities. Domino, who once found his thrill on Blueberry Hill, apparently not only refused to leave New Orleans during its mandatory evacuation but became a celebrity burden to rescuers. For that, Domino rates 0 Superdomes.
Paul Simon, who has toured damaged sites and brought two mobile clinics to the area, but has not, as of yet, done more than hug victims and plan a benefit, gets 3.5 Superdomes.
Other celebrities, like Morgan Freeman, Ellen DeGeneres, Jay-Z and Hilary Duff are not personally rescuing anyone, but they are donating their time, money and/or efforts to progress the cause. For that, they each get 3 Superdomes.
PSA creators, like John Larroquette (who also did donate some art to Morgan Freeman's auction) and Jamie-Lynn Spears, get 2 Superdomes. PSAs are important, but money talks.
All the celebrities and musicians who appeared on benefits organized by other celebrities or musicians get 1 Superdome each.
Britney Spears, who wrote a fan letter telling us how badly she feels, rates .5 Superdome (she may have had to renew her domain name). And, no, planning to give birth live on TV to benefit the victims of Katrina does not help you. In fact, we're taking .25 Superdome away from you for even having that thought. You have .25 Superdome, girl. You better rethink.
9/6 11.34am UPDATE:
Enthusiast Jim writes to let us know that New Orleans native Master P lost his home in the storm, and his entire family lost their homes, as well. However, P (as he is referred to in this article) is safe in LA and on the phone trying to organize relief efforts. We say if Connick can rescue people shirtless, you can get your ass back down there, put on some waders and help. Master P, we feel for you, but you're getting the standard "organizational assistance" 3 Superdomes.
(We are still trying to find some shirtless rescuing Connick pics.)
9/6 1.37pm UPDATE:
Tonight, Dr. Phil will be taking victims' phone calls on "Larry King Live." We're not sure how many victims have phones or access to phones, but we think Dr. Phil means well. Well enough to get him 1.5 Superdomes.
(Still no Connick pics)
9/6 4.06pm UPDATE:
We don't know how we could have forgotten this, but John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston flew on their private jet to New Orleans to personally deliver five tons of food (three of which Travolta had already stored in his cheeks) and 400 doses of tetanus vaccine to the hurricane victims and rescuers. 3.5 Superdomes to the Travolta-Prestons. It would have been 4 if they didn't belong to an especially publicity- and celebrity-hungry cult and 5 if they hadn't flown there on their private jet.
In the same article, some sports people spent the weekend handing out supplies, too. They each get 4 Superdomes. If we liked sports, they'd get 5.
On the Connick front, no pics, only articles. Jeez, you'd think NY1 was in charge of dissemanating this news.
9/7 10.58am UPDATE:
Michael Jackson is set to record a song to benefit the victims of Katrina. The song is entitled "From the Bottom of My Heart" and will be released on the Arab label, 2 Seas Records. 2.5 Superdomes. He's on vacation, and he insisted on using the word "bottom" after being acquitted for child molestation.
Macy Gray and Oprah Winfrey spent time with displaced New Orleanseans at the Houston Astrodome over the weekend. 3.5 Superdomes each for helping out but in the wrong city.
9/7 12.33pm UPDATE:
Both Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton auctioned themselves off to raise money for victims of Hurricane Katrina (heretofore known as VHK). Colin Farrell offered himself up for a date, and Paris Hilton offered herself up for a New Year's Eve date. Farrell sold for $20,000 and Hilton for $200,000. 2 Superdomes for Farrell for the effort and 3 Superdomes for Hilton for raising ten times as much as Farrell (obviously people are aware he's free on most nights). Finally, 0 Superdomes for the people who bought them—why not save some dignity and just throw the money in the direction of New Orleans?
9/7 1.25pm UPDATE:
This doesn't really count as a rescue effort, but we've been hearing about this all day, and goldenfiddle has a wonderful little writeup. Last night on Conan O'Brien, Jared Leto's band, Thirty Seconds to Mars, was the musical guest. According to goldenfiddle, "it was hands down, up and over the ears the worst bit of LA neo-garbage to ever come out of the Late Night speakers. Really, it was horrible in ways we couldn’t have ever possibly imagined it being horrible." And, apparently in the middle of the song appropriately titled "Attack," Mr. Leto stopped playing, told the audience that he had family in New Orleans, and had everyone observe a few moments of silence before plunging right back into the music. Alas, Leto receives 0 Superdomes for being in a band, .25 Superdome for the moment of silence for the hurricane victims and 5 Superdomes for the moment of silence for the studio audience.
9/8 1.53pm UPDATE:
Supermodel and featherweight champion Naomi Campbell is donating all her New York Fashion Week earnings to the Red Cross. Wow. What is that, like, $2,000? Does anyone give a shit about models anymore? Hey, Campbell, why don't you down there and beat the shit out of the people who won't evacuate the city? 1 Superdome for you, Campbell. And. no, we're not afraid of your right hook, bitch.
9/9 4.26pm UPDATE:
To end our comprehensive coverage of the Celebrity Katrina Effort, we have to applaud the one celebrity who's single-handedly saving the South: Miss Oprah Winfrey. Yes, we gave her a mere 3.5 Superdomes earlier, but that was when she was in Houston building up to her Louisiana campaign. She later traveled to New Orleans to hug, bring supplies, hand out diamond bracelets, build houses, make oil, save whales and overthrow dictatorships. We are overcome with tears, so we will simply hand her her 5 Superdomes and bless her for her spirit.
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