All bite, no bark.

How do you become the world's most evil man? Kill two million Cambodians? Nice try, Pol Pot. Kill six million Jews? You'll have to do better than that, Adolf. Kill 43,000,000 Soviets? Come on, Stalin, you're not even close! No, according to the National Enquirer, you'd have to kill 10,000 dogs to be the world's most evil man.

Good night!

All bite.

Just because you miss American Idol doesn't mean your teeth have to.

Positively lower than sub-standard.

Via WFMU's blog, here are a few industrial musical numbers like "Look at This Tub," "Frito Twist" and the totally groovy, completely infectious "He's a Penney Man," historical for being the one item produced by J.C. Penney not made of polyester. Enjoy!

Your video clip of the day.

Jerry Lewis telethon.

Who's angry?

Thanks to the National Enquirer, we know!

Cheers but no cheers! Skinny Kirstie is angry. In fact, she has a hefty attitude!

Code blue! Code blue! Dr. McDreamy is getting mcmeany. In fact, he's turning into a nightmare!

She's gone supernova! Brooke Burke is pissed. In fact, she's enraged!

As soon as stars become angry, you can depend on the NB to link to another site to give you the first-hand report, second-hand!

Math is gay.

GLAAD has announced that there are only nine gay characters on television series this upcoming season, down from 10 gay characters last year. This is due mainly to the absence of Will & Grace, and, in such seemingly gay-visible times, it is perhaps is a little discouraging.

However, we'd like to inform GLAAD that we here at the NB did our own research and factored in American Idol, Project Runway and So You Think You Can Dance. We are absolutely thrilled to announce that this season there will be 1,359,548 gay characters on TV up two from last year's 1,359,546. So no need to be sad at all.

Your video clip of the day.

Off book.

Young, sexy female trees breathe sigh of relief.

From small bites to mega goys.

Oh, how we wish one of these would open in Texas so Lisa Whelchel could write about it.

(See, we could have just made up racist menu items like a Mengele Malted, Schish-kebobs, bacon and a Caesar-Didn't-Kill-Christ-It-Was-the-Jews Salad, but we found that too juvenile.)

Loca Kola.

We post a link to this story for one reason only, and it's not because we think Osama bin Laden being obsessed with Whitney Houston is hilarious. It isn't. In fact, we think it's very serious. We think Whitney Houston is code for Houston, Texas which is code for Houston Street and that the 34-story Adidas store on the corner of Broadway and Houston is in serious jeopardy.

No, we post a link to this story because of this...

"According to Bin Laden’s former sex slave Kola Boof..."

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, Miss Kola Boof.

Lisa trips out.

This week's Coffee Talk features Lisa dragging the fam to Austin for a vacation nobody, including Lisa herself, wants to go on. Click here to read all about it.

Or don't, and earn more of our much coveted respect.

A moment for our sponsor.

We'd just like to wish the NB's biggest supporter a very happy birthday today. You may know her from various "Comments" sections. We know her from various theaters in New York City where she sees shows over and over and over. Occasionally we are in one of those shows. She is a supernova in a sea of shining stars. Eretofore...



(We will be posting a new Coffee Talk Companion within the hour. Hold tight!)

Fantasia on life.

Right. Please keep in mind, folks, that tomorrow night at 9 p.m. on Lifetime, The Fantasia Barrino Story: Life Is Not a Fairy Tale, will premiere. You may already be familiar with Life Is Not a Fairy Tale, as it was the first book profiled in the enormously popular NB Book Club. If you aren't, Life Is Not a Fairy Tale is the story of Fantasia Barrino, the winner of the third season of American Idol, from birth to presumably the moment she learned how to read the script of this film. Yes, Fantasia is playing herself in this movie. And, believe it or not, that's not the best part. Dwayne Wayne is playing her dad, Jojo. It's true—Kadeem Hardison is working again, and we couldn't be happier. Well, we could if Shirley Hemphill were alive and playing Fantasia's mom. But she's not. So we couldn't be happier.



Anyway, just remember—life is not a fairy tale. People defy enormous odds to win hugely popular national televised talent shows every day.

Ssssssssssssorry.

Oh, god, please forgive us for mentioning Snakes on a Plane, a movie we have 0 interest in seeing and are 100% sick of hearing about, on this site. It's just that sending people Samuel L. Jackson phone messages is SO MUCH FUN.

Wig out.

We're hesitant to link this article without any properly corresponding photos, but we're more hesitant not to point out yet again how fucked up Florida is. So, enjoy.

Your video clip of the day.

You can keep your cilantro, Hurley.

Danii Minogue is dropping pop music to be a DJ, and Elizabeth Hurley is dropping acting to be a farmer. Though, really, can one drop something one never had in the first place? Oh, us.

No 'tro, yo.

As you may be aware, we loathe causes. We don't sign petitions, and we actively avoid the pimply Greenpeace kids who infest our block. It's not that causes are necessarily bad—it's just that we don't care what you think. Except for today and the worthiest cause ever. Please join them. Us. Thanx.

D.A.I.

Which will former child actor Haley Joan Osborne be officially charged with today?

1.) Misdemeanor driving under the influence of alcohol

2.) Driving with a .08 blood alcohol level or higher, with an enhancement of driving with a .15 or higher

3.) Misdemeanor possession of marijuana while driving

4.) Driving under the age of 21 with a blood alcohol level of .05 or higher

5.) All of the above

For your answer, click the photo below of the former child actor who will officially be charged today with misdemeanor driving under the influence of alcohol, driving with a .08 blood alcohol level or higher, with an enhancement of driving with a .15 or higher, misdemeanor possession of marijuana while driving and with the infraction of driving under the age of 21 with a blood alcohol level of .05 or higher.