Kathleen Turner uses the drunk-to-English dictionary.

Page Six ran this fantastic story this morning, detailing Kathleen Turner's shaky behavior at a recent gala honoring Les Moonves. Our favorite part is obviously where one witness recounts how Turner nearly licked the face of her co-host.

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Because we're a responsible news outlet, we wanted to make sure that the present-day bloated, slurring Turner wasn't abusing alcohol, and lo-and-behold, look what we found! This article, entitled "Kathleen Turner Battles Arthritis." Well, obviously it's the steroids used to treat rheumatoid arthritis that have brought Turner to her recent condition. Of course it is! We knew that all along. We even got into a big fight with our friend who used to work at the Times Square restaurant Blue Fin and told us that after performing in The Graduate on Broadway every night, Turner would come in with a group of people, sit down and quickly abandon them for a dark place by the kitchen where she'd hurredly down vodka drinks before returning to her "unsuspecting" table. We knew that was such a lie. Clearly Kathleen Turner is not drunk. Never has been, never will be!

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