Thanks, Roz. I know just where to stick it.

In honor of the Tuesday release of this...



...enjoy this. Atta girl.

Dined and whined.

It figures. Now the Katrina Victims® are complaining about having to live in 180-square-foot trailers paid for by FEMA. Um, try living in New York City in a 180-square-foot apartment whose monthly rent is probably more money than you'll ever make in your lives, and then try dealing with having to watch the SAME flatscreen LCD television from both your couch and bed. Jesus. Enough already.

A moment of nostalgia.

On Wednesday, music blog The Smudge posted mp3s of 10,000 Maniacs and Michael Stipe performing "To Sir, with Love" and "Candy Everybody Wants" at Bill Clinton's 1992 inauguration party. We found that post today. Please reflect with us on a time when our heroes were rock stars and so were our presidents. Thank you.

Crazed, yes, but also enterprising.

Obviously you know about Naomi Campbell getting nabbed yesterday for attacking her housekeeper with a cell phone. What you may not know is that, according to a pic on the front page of the NY Post (of course the front page!), those in Naomi's employ are apparently required to wear housecoats adorned with "Ms. Campbell." (The pic is at the bottom right-hand corner. No, we can't enlarge it. Obviously we don't have the time or energy for that.)



Um, we think this may be the most brilliant thing ever, which is why our interns are all now donning pink muumuus with "Mr. Fantastic-Looking" on them. If you see one, say hi! And don't think anything of the terrified look they may give you if you approach them—they came that way. Promise.

Exposed.

Guys, it's spring break! That means we're going to post something from Penthouse! Whoo-hoo! Beer bongs for everyone! And, and, and, it's vintage. Hot! In fact, it's from June 1983, one of the hottest times of one of the hottest years ever! So, sit back, relax, and enjoy this totally arousing, completely titillating, totally revealing...

Interview with L. Ron Hubbard's son. (Honestly. Read it. It's amazing. If you don't, we'll sic Rosie O'Donnell on you.)

Your video clip of the day.

Ma'am.

In a move of unparalleled humanity, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie yesterday adopted Emmanuel Lewis.

My sister.

How do you know that we spent last evening at a private taping of Rosie O'Donnell's new sketch comedy show for fledgling gay network, Logo? Because we're in a photo snapped by Rosie on her camera phone. Do you know what this means? No, it doesn't mean that we enjoy going to tapings of shows because, honestly, there's nothing worse in the whole wide world. What it means is that, in a stunning example of the universe folding in on itself, we are now personally connected to...



BLARRRRGHHHHHHH! DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gong.

So, we were, once again, correct about who'd be voted off "American Idol," and, yes, we are patting ourselves on the back. However, we did fail to predict that she would be eliminated by ninja.



GOOD NIGHT!

Holy ship.

And now, a photograph of the new Titanic museum in Branson, MO...



Yes, what you see is correct. You actually enter the museum thr...oh, hell...we'll let them tell you...



Nicely done, folks. We eagerly await the 9/11 Experience.

Your video clip of the day.

You're invading MySpace.

Because we love bringing you all sorts of awful, please enjoy what may be the worst MySpace profile evah. It actually caused our browser to simultaneously give us the finger and kick us in the crotch.

Take a seat.

We posted this link among others recently for a few moments, but it really deserves its own post. It's to a site called SeatGuru, a guide to the best and worst seats on any airplane on most major airlines. Yes, that means the next time you buy coach seats (because obviously you can't afford business- or first-class seats), you can make an utterly miserable experience a bit more tolerable by not accidentally ending up next to the lavatory. Unless you're into that.

Anyway, we look forward to using this site often, thought we'd really love it if it could be upgraded to tell us who specifically is sitting in what seat on a certain flight, so we're not stuck next to Katie Couric's kids or a fat man with two bags of Chili's-To-Go. Right?

You can't have your Locke if you don't eat your Hurley.

Here's the wall from last night's episode of "Lost" de-blacklit. Unfortunately, there are no unicorns or wizards.



UPDATE:
Here's Entertainment Weekly's take on it, to be in this Friday's issue...

Loathsome.

Imagine our delight as we picked up a New York Press this morning to find that it's the annual "50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers" issue, perhaps our favorite yearly issue of any free paper. Imagine our delight to find Gawker, a once-necessary, now toothless Web site at #32. Imagine our disappointment to read the last line of the capsule: "It may be obnoxious, but it's also indispensible."

Wha?

It's true. We're afraid this year's 50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers issue is not nearly as obnoxious or indispensible as issues of years past. Amanda Lepore? More like Amanda Le-snore. Michael Bloomberg? So 2003. James Frey? Give the guy a break already—every memoir is fiction.

Anyway, to make up for the New York Press's shortcomings, here are our...

5 Most Loathsome New Yorkers!

1.) The guy who lives upstairs
2.) The homeless veteran who called us a "puss" this morning
3.) Hillary Clinton
4.) The friend who just moves here eight years after you did and gets a "fantastic deal on this cute one-bedroom!"
...and, as #36 in the New York Press is "the inconsiderate moron who blasts his iPod into my ear every morning on the L train" (oooh—such harsh words!), we'll one-up the paper and declare our 5.) the New York Press writer who namechecks the L train.

Cat-astrophe!

Hang in there, Fairfield.

Can we keep him?

We just LOL-ed maybe the most we've ever LOL-ed. That's a lot of LOL-ing.

Sorry to interrupt.

If anyone tries this, let us know what happens, K? We'd do it ourselves, but the interns provide quite enough interruptions, thank you ver

Not a good day for Houstons.

Here are the 10 most polluted cities in America (which we assume is more exciting than saying "the three most polluted areas in America").

I wanna smoke with somebody.

Um. We need the bathroom pic. Stat.

The great Ace coaster.

In case you do continue to watch "American Idol," why not put your almost all-alcohol drink on the first NB downloadable item ever: the great Ace coaster? Just print this post and grab some scissors! And try to cut around the circle and not through it, tempting as it may be.

Enjoy!

Tyr as we may.

+



=

Why we now have to watch "America's Next Top Model" tonight. Damn you, Tyra. We were trying to limit our addictions to alcohol and bible sudoku. Thanks a lot.

Spring cleaning.

We have good news and good news.

The good news? After seven seconds of careful consideration, we decided not to watch "American Idol" last night.

The good news? Having not watched, we still know this is going home...

Shut up, monkey.

Folks (Lori and Jen), we're not feeling it presently. Nous sommes desolés. Please bear with us. Thanx.

Out of the bag.

We told you it would be nice and easy. And don't think we didn't try to make it nice and rough. It's just that looking at pictures of extraterrestrials Tom and Katie and drugly Marc Antony and Sally-Kirkland-becoming Sharon Stone made us especially uncomfortable today. We just couldn't do it.

Alas, you'll have to make do with Ms. Mia, who's about to have a "purr"-thday (why, it says so in the latest "mews"!). Please notice that the average amount of comments for each of Ms. Mia's posts is approximately seven, and the average amount of comments for each post here is approximately zero.

Bravo, us. Bra-vo.

My 'lanta.

Regarding Atlanta, let's just say we lived an entire life in 10 days. As scared as we are of the South, we hold a special fondness for Atlanta. It's a city filled with nice people who are forced to drive on roads 18 lanes too narrow to accommodate the traffic.

There's the wonderful new Renzo Piano-designed addition to the High Museum of Art...





In the Ansley Park area of town, we found some swings, each with a plaque dedicated to the memory of a loved one...





Well, mostly...



There's also Piedmont Park, the kind-of-wonderful/kind-of-horrifying square of green in the middle of Midtown. It has a Holocaust, sorry, marathon statue sponsored by Asics and Power Bar.



There's also a homeless man living in one of the stalls of the public restroom near the children's playground. He was camera shy, but he says hello. He also takes offense to being called homeless, so, you know, we apologize.

We did get a pic of this man, having a nap in the sun.



Atlanta also hosts this sign at a Mexican restaurant...



...My Bling Bling Barbies at Target...



...and Veterans for Peace protests every Friday afternoon in Midtown.



The protests are almost as important as Bling Bling Barbies but not even close to the sign. Nothing is.

It is true that Atlanta also is home to the world's largest aquarium. 1.) Any attraction can be the "world's largest" if you place a giant open space in the middle. We found the Georgia Aquarium to be more like the world's largest food court. 2.) Alas, never, EVER go there. If you've ever snorkled, you've seen most of what the place has to offer. Well, except for the people...





Atlanta also features Swinging Richards, home to other large things. We went there, but we have no photos. You wouldn't want to see them, anyway. Trust.

We also almost had an opportunity to get up close to the smallpox. Seriously. We'll continue to work on that for you.

As for the nice people we mentioned, yes, we have pics of some of them, but, no, we don't post pics of others on the Interwebs. It's only fair. But we can tell you this...they're waaaaaaaaay hot. Way. Hot.

You know, it's almost as if this plaque (what's with all the plaques?) sums up our feelings exactly...



We'll see you in a month, gentle lady. Now, it's time for a refreshment break...

Big wheel keep on turning.

Well.

After being delayed for eight hours (yes, eight hours) at romantic Hartsfield International Airport yesterday, we have returned. Unfortunately, we have only slept about eight hours in the past few days, so we're going to make like Tina at the beginning of "Proud Mary" and take it nice and easy. At some point we'll get nice and rough, but, for now, we're going to work on adding photos to the Atlanta recap we wrote yesterday in between texting everyone ever and marveling at cargo sweatpants.

The patient is out.

NYC to ATL.

Well, there's good news and bad news. Which do you want first? The bad news? Of course.

The bad news is that all possible guest editors for this site are now gainfully employed and are not available for such minute-consuming guest-editing work.

The good news is that, because of this, you will be absolutely NB-free until Monday, March 27.

It's true. Your "editor" is leaving NYC for 10 days to venture to the ATL for some piano-playin' fun, and the interns went and booked themselves a suite at the Atlantic City Super 8. Please have a good 10 days, and don't do anything dumb. And if you are in the ATL area and want to give a shout out or buy a wayward gay a sweet tea, here's the show information. Come out and see us, y'heah?

Until then, then, the patient is out.

it gets betr.

OK. Try not to laugh some more.

Found communiqué.

Dear Mary-Kate and Ash,

Hey. I'm 15 months old, which is prob what you guys were when you started acting on "Full House." You both seemed to have it so together, especially since you shared the spotlight. Well, not shared, but shared in the sense that you were both Michelle. You know what I mean, right? Cool. Anyway, I'm kind of having a hard time right now. I mean, how were you treated at 15 months? Was your cast nice to you? Did the crew help you out when you needed it? How was craft services? Did they provide formula? Because the thing is, right now I feel like the people in charge here are kind of being irresponsible with me. I mean it's totally cool to be able to be viewed by pretty much the whole world, but have you two seen what I'm being used for? It's totally uncool. Look at today: I was saddled with some lame joke about Jay Leno and yet more pointless rambling about that "American Idol" show. It's, like, GETTING SO OLD. And, truth be told, the person in charge ("guy" would be too specific) I hate to say is a little...well...racist. And ageist. And sizeist. And, seriously, he's only, like, 5'3". Honestly. Anyway, MK and Ash, I'm just wondering if you have any advice for me. Is there a way to improve my situation? At so young an age, I feel like I can't do much else but be a puppet for some crazy opportunist's desires. Oh, and he is crazy. I mean, if he ever found out I sent this, he'd probably post it with some "funny" picture of a kitty or monkey beneath it (he can't even really figure out how to position text around a picture) and some lame "REBUTTAL" beneath that. Ugh. It's just what I'd expect from an adult with no power over anyone or anything real. If you can help me, help me. I'm dying a much-too-often-labored death over here.

Love,
One Weally Worried Web site



REBUTTAL:
We are not 5'3". How dare you. We are easily 5'4".

Contractually obliged to be unwavering.

Life & Style, we truly admire you for sticking to your gossip guns re: the Tom and Katie split. You were the ones that broke the not-true story weeks ago, and you refuse to be bullied into admitting you were wrong, which you were. Bravo, L & S, for marching steadfastly to your own off-rhythm drummer. And with such big, yellow font. Bravo.

Your video clip of the day.

Today it's Bing Crosby, Gwen Verdon, Bobbie Gentry, Englebert Humperdinck and Dick Shawn performing a Beatles medley on "Hollywood Palace." If you can, try to stick it out until the "Life Goes On" finale. It's a doozy.

One at a time.

Looks like the rest of us will have to wait.

Down the Hatcher.

Teri, you can do as much charity work for the gays as you deem necessary, but we'll never, ever, ever like you.

And Miles to go before he wins.

Who wants an Oscar? Don Cheadle wants an Oscar!

Ice princesses.

Tonight, on "America's Next Top Model"...

"The Girl Who is A True Miss Diva" -- At a Beverly Hills salon, Tyra, Jay Manuel, J. Alexander and salon owners Joel Warren and Edward Tricomi transform the models with unbelievable makeovers; and the participants are challenged to show off their personal style by celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe and Cycle 4 Winner Naima Mora, who give the girls the opportunity to win a $5,000 shopping spree at Los Angeles boutique, Nanette Lepore, and then head off to a photo shoot where they pose with ice sculptures, on AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL, Wednesday, March 15 (8:00-9:00 PM, ET/PT) on UPN. Personal stylist Rachel Zoe also serves as a guest judge.

Later, one competitor decides it's time to let her inner-diva out by laying down some house rules for everyone to follow, only to have another model take her to task.

Oooooh! Makeovers AND ice sculptures! It sounds like the best cruise ever! Or any cruise ever. Which, come to think of it, really makes sense—"America's Next Top Model" truly is the Carnival Cruise Lines of reality TV. There's boobs, drunken fighting and a pool.

Anyway, we won't make any predictions as to who goes home, but certainly the Lhasa Apso can't last that long, can she?

Stevie wondering.

So we tried to fast-forward through "American Idol" last night, but after quarter-witnessing five or six complete trashings of Stevie Wonder songs, we just couldn't continue (though we did enjoy the teased and poofed Face and Bucky hair). Which is fine because MSNBC racaps it nicely this morning. Anyway, who do we think is going? If it were up to us, everyone would go except Face and Chris, who would eventually be sent home but not before doing all those wonderful Ford commercials shirtless. Because that's probably not an option, we'll pick this one to get the boot...



It could be Bucky or the ten-year-old, but our gut is telling is this is the one. It's also telling us it's going to come out our mouth if we continue talking about this.

And nosh some hamantashen.

Don't forget to enjoy some hamantashen tonight for Purim! You don't have to be Jewish to make them or even eat them. You just have to like prunes or apricots in the middle of an otherwise delicious pastry. Why, what else are Jews known for if not for injecting even the slightest bit of sweetness with some suffering?

G'evening!

On "Mysterious Skin."

On December 19, we listed our five favorite movies of the year of all five that we saw. At the top of the list was a film called Mysterious Skin directed by Gregg Araki. This small film resonated much more intensely than did a certain other gay-film-directed-by-an-Asian, but, of course, because it lacked big stars and a major director, the mainstream (and mainstream gay (by that we mean overmuscled Chelsea boys)) community had none of it. Their loss. Mysterious Skin still remains easily the best movie we saw last year, and today Rich at Fourfour wrote a fantastic essay (with helpful pics!) detailing why it's so devastatingly good, beyond the fact that it features UFOs and Mary Lynn Rajskub. Check it out.

Welcome, black Kotter.

(Sorry. We don't care about this at all. We've just been dying to use that post heading for about two minutes now.)

Your video clip of the day.

Please enjoy the Carpenters performing a medley of Burt Bacharach classics, via Bedazzled. Focus not on Karen's near-deathness but instead on the glorious arrangements.

Performed out.

Here's Premiere's cover story on the 100 greatest performances of all time. There's not much to say other than that now you don't have to buy the magazine, which really is best of all.

(Blogger's being a dick right now, so no pics for you! Thanks, Google!)

(Choo-choo)

Whatever you do, try not to laugh.

Prepare ye.

Click here to see who's no longer lovin' the Kevster! (Or don't, and feel good about yourself. For once.)

Two hearts... two hearts that beat as one.

Michael Douglas, how could you slam a love so exquisite and enchanting as Pitt-Jolie love? A love like this does not come along every day. Surely this love must be held in highest esteem and nurtured by those around it. Michael Douglas, please respect Pitt-Jolie love as such a love demands to be respected.

Oh, and "once treated for sex addiction"? Bah ha ha ha ha.

Gay with a "gay."

Ladies and gentlemen, your gayest pic of the day, taken at the gayest event of the ever.

Luck, pressed.

R.I.P., Peter Tomarken.

Dunkle doughnuts.

Hey, remember "American Idol" season 1 co-host Brian Dunkleman? No? Well, here's what he looked like a few years ago...



Recently, top news source Inside Edition interviewed Dunkleman to find out why he walked away from the show after its first season.

Yes, that's right, "walked away."

Dunks, nobody likes a liar, and you know what happens to liars? Clearly, they get fat.



Anyway, good luck with that stand-up career. K.I.T. XOXO.

Cradle Robin.

And you felt bad for Christopher and Dana Reeve.



GOOD NIGHT!

Your video clip of the day.

OK. So we're going to go ahead and break an unwritten rule. And, in the process, we're going to be "one of those people." Oy. That's a lot to deal with. It's true. But, people, it turns out there's, of late, just too much priceless video footage online. We'd hate for you to miss out on it. So, we're going to begin a feature* called "Your video clip of the day"**.

Without further ado—proving that Serge Gainsbourg will ALWAYS be more fucked up than Whitney Houston, here is your video clip of the day...



*There is obviously no guarantee that this will last longer than today.
**We let one of the interns name the feature. He's been begging for something to do all day. We hope you're happy, Istvajne.

Pam Grier just killed herself so she could roll over in her grave.

Just in case you haven't been to TVGasm today, here's the bit of "absurd sci-fi plus Pam Grier-type action" we were made privvy to there. And, no, that's not RuPaul. It's much, muuuuuuuuuch worse.

We do know Mandisa.

OK, for a few seconds the other day, we considered trying to dig up crap on the 12 "American Idol" finalists and the 13 "America's Next Top Model" girls. And, by "dig up" we meant, "Google." And, by "considered," we meant "obviously not going to happen." Which is fine, because TMZ.com has done it for us. Listen to this scandalous news:

Kellie Pickler: Seems Kel has a major sweet tooth. She frequently makes "candy runs" at the hotel and picks up Sour Patch Kids and Gummy Bears.

Astounding!

Mandisa: She walks around the hotel in a "Jesus Loves Pedro" t-shirt. She is also a "worship leader" at Beth Moore's Living Proof Live conferences and wants to become a Bible teacher.

Shocking!

Bucky Covington: He was voted "Most Likely to Trip" at his high school graduation ceremony, and guess what -- he did! By the way, Bucky's wife, Crystal, was so nervous during the 'A.I.' eliminations, she had a bucket next to the sofa in case she threw up -- thankfully, she didn't!

Intriguing!

Elliott Yamin: Elliott's teeth are not exactly the model for a singer. But there's a medical reason why they're crooked. Elliott has diabetes, which can lead to crooked teeth. Elliott must wear a insulin pump to regulate his blood sugar levels.

Lying!

Ugh, anyway, it looks like TMZ.com put as much effort into this as we did. OK, we'll help. Here are the pressing questions we'd like answers to: 1.) How old is Taylor Hicks really? B.) Why did we never see Bucky before the finals? and •) What is the radius of Ace's face? There. Now get to work. We'll be eating bon-bons by the pool. Thanx.

Crashed.

Oh! This is a good time. It's Annie Proulx's reaction to Crash winning the "Best Picture" Oscar over Brokeback Mountain, which was based on a short story she wrote in 1997. The essay was published in the UK Guardian this past Saturday. Of course it was. Our favorite part? That's easy:

The red carpet now had taken on a different hue, a purple tinge.

The source of the colour was not far away. Down the street, spreading its baleful light everywhere, hung a gigantic, vertical, electric-blue neon sign spelling out
S C I E N T O L O G Y.*

*The writer/director of Crash is Paul Haggis who is, in fact, a Scientologist. He is also, in fact, responsible for Million Dollar Baby and "Walker, Texas Ranger."

My, my.

This photograph is entitled "my kitty...," which is fine, though we're a little worried about the non-acknowledgement of the monkey.

Let's compromise—you can keep the tiara but close your mouth.

In honor of Commonwealth Day, here are a million billion pics of Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II. Either way, do not look directly at it.

More lips, please.

Apparently someone thought it a good idea to dress Melanie Griffith up and take pictures of her. Or someone has our exact sense of humor. Either way, do not look directly at it.

Monday, bloody Monday.

Good morning. How about those Sopranos last night? Huh? Right? Let's go over the good and the bad...

The good:
•Carmela is back—the hair and the clothes are bigger and better than ever. And the Porsche Cayenne! "Like the pepper."
•Lots of Ginny Sack!
•The perfectly realized suburban sushi restaurant that Tony and Carm are addicted to.
•Vito's weight loss. And his shiny suit.
•Bobby's model train hobby and his engineer's cap.
•Tiny Frankie Valli!
•Less than a minute of Meadow!
•And, of course, the ending! The gremlin-esque Junior retreating to the closet was easily one of the most hilarious/heartbreaking/terrifying moments of the series so far. Nicely done.

The bad:
•No Ro!
•No Ade (except for her brief appearance in Carm's nightmare in which her fadeout looked like it was done on iMovie).
•Carm believing Ade is merely missing after a year-and-a-half. Yes, Carm's existence is founded on denial, but this didn't quite fly for us.
•More than 0 minutes of Meadow.

All in all, a success. It's so nice to once again be in the company of the most dispicable family ever. Now, if we could just get busy with the kidnapping-and-throwing-off-a-cliff-of-Meadow storyline, we'll never say a bad thing about the show again.

That's amore.

Well, another week is gone, and with it, a little bit more of our dignity. Enjoy the warm weather, New Yorkers! And, don't forget, after a 26-year absence, "The Sopranos" is on on Sunday night at 9 p.m. Allegedly there's a big twist at the end of this episode, and, as long as M. Night Shmylalananna isn't responsible, it should be plenty exciting.

Be well, and keep it magical. How magical? This magical...



Bye!

The Jake's on you.

Let's play a game:

Hot, or Completely Terrifying? (We're honestly not sure. That's why it's a game!)

Come on ride that train.

Utah's new commuter rail system is a big fag.

Apple sauce.

Guys, Apple Martin is becoming a little too big for her diapers. It's going to be a rude awakening when Gwyneth has the next one and Apple realizes the world doesn't revolve around her. Cross fingers that the Martin-Paltrow household is prepared for an event to rival Hiroshima, Katrina and Zulema in magnitude.

Department of answers.

Since you've all been asking what we think of this situation...



...we'll tell you in one word.

Fat.

Oy.

How crazy is Sharon Stone? This crazy.

Santinoblog update.

OK. So, there's really not much to update with Santino's blog, but we hate hate hate hate hate hate quitters. So, for our final installment of "Santinoblog update," we give you this T-shirt available at his site:



All right. But how much for one?

What? $34.95?

Um, Santino, for $34.95 there better be a concert or quickie attached to it. Jesus. Anyway, good luck with everything, dude. Especially selling these shirts.

Thou shall practice "Idol" worship.

Mornin'. We have a slight problem. Our predictions for who would be voted off "American Idol" last night were 100% correct. As previously noted, we didn't even really watch...excuse us...fast-forward through it this week. We only caught a bit of some of the performances. Yet, we still managed to pick the correct four of 16 people to be sent home. People, the reality TV line has been crossed. Apparently we no longer need to even tune in to shows to know what's going on. We are not boasting. On the contrary—this is very, very worrisome. Sure, we've never been ashamed of our TV-watching enthusiasm—people who "haven't turned the TV on in six years" should be banned from Earth. But we do like to pretend that our life doesn't revolve around the television. Alas, we can no longer keep up that facade. Our life revolves around the television. It's sending signals to us even when turned off. We are being ruled.

That said, our picks for this season's "American Idol" final four are...

This one...


This one...


Paris...


And Face...


Hmmm, you're saying to yourself. Where's Mandisa? Folks, pay attention to week 7 or 8 when America suddenly turns on the fat girl. You've all been to high school. Heck, most readers of this site are in high school right now. The fat girl never wins. Ever. The fat boy, as long as he's jovial and funny, is another story (see Ruben Studdard), but eventually he's abandoned, too (see Ruben Studdard). No, Mandisa unfortunately doesn't have a chance. It will come down to a Paris/Face finale with Paris taking the title.

Help us, please. Help us.

Idoling.

So, the only question that begs asking is, obviously, Who's going home on "American Idol" tonight? And, really, the only satisfying answer would be, Everyone! Unfortunately, there's a slim to no chance of that happening, so our picks for elimination are (and, please keep in mind these predictions are being made with us only having seen 13% of 29% of the performances)...

This one...


This one...


This one...


And this one...


And...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, sorry. Anyway, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! Just think, only three more months of this. Or, in layman's terms, by the time a new episode of "Lost" airs, Paris will have won.

See you tomorrow.

Gone today, hair tomorrow.

Pardon, pardon, pardon. The Kathference is only via phone—it is not being broadcast on the Web, so it's for questions only. Meaning, unlike with our Nigel Barker episode, we will not be able to see or hear if Jackie pummels the participant with infinite questions. However, we may still call and grill Kathy about what it was like to be kicked out of the most awesome house ever after only two days.

To make up for our mistake, here is every photograph from last night's "bald" shoot, with the loser clearly marked:

Brooke:


Danielle:


Furonda:


Gina:


Jade:


Joanie:


Kari:


Kathy (LOSER):


Leslie:


Mollie Sue:


Nnenna:


Sara:


Wendy:

Telekathference.

Well, it's almost time for us to talk to ANTM bootee, Kathy. We haven't received one question from y'all, so we're going to be forced to ask her...

1) Something somewhat embarrassing or
B) Nothing at all

We're leaning toward B, obviously.

Actually, the main reason we're tuning in is to see if a certain pesky someone will be calling. Perhaps you will know her better by her artist's rendering?



All right. Our next and, fingers crossed, final entry today will recap all the highlight of the teleconference. Stay tuned!

Almost as thrilling as Passover.

We just checked Fashion Week Daily for any reaction to the "Project Runway" finale, and, thankfully, there's nothing. Well, not nothing exactly. Less than nothing: there is a four-question interview with Daniel Vosovic done at last night's TRESemmé hair salon and finale party. Here are the four questions:

1. So it’s finally over. Are you okay?
2. Santino feels like he was made to appear a little over the top. Do you?
3. You’re getting swarmed at this party. Does that happen every day?
4. You really want people to stop coming up to you?

Nice work, FWD. You can imagine how exciting the answers are. Oh, you can't? Well, let's see, how do we put it? Let's just say that it's almost as if someone had asked Debra Messing to be involved. But no one would ever do that, right?

Hit and stay.

Hey, on the bright side, the van driver responsible for the accident and who had a heart attack and died at the scene, did hit a funeral procession. Seriously, he's almost as lucky as Chloe.

Picture this.

This is turning out to be one of those days. Alas, please just enjoy these horrifying photographs. It's the most, the very most, we can do right now:

Kathy specific.

At least "America's Next Top Model" premiered last night, right? Though we were disappointed that the racist wasn't selected as one of the final 13 girls, we were not surprised. Tyra is infamous for not knowing good TV—need we mention her early dismissal of Tiffany, her even earlier dismissal of the blonde girl who was all about making out with lesbian Kim, or her talk show? Well, pretend we needn't.

Anyway, Kathy was the first to go last night after an unusually impressive photo shoot for which the girls "went bald" (in another instance of Tyra not knowing good TV, the girls had bald caps placed on their heads rather than having their heads shorn). Kathy's dismissal matters for two reasons:

1) On February 17, we featured this post in which we wrote "[Kathy] may be the first to go." We are proud that after five cycles of this crap, we're finally getting the hang of things.

2) We have the opportunity to speak to Kathy today at 3 p.m. So, if you have any questions for her, please let us know. So far, we have two: "Obviously, Nnenna has this one in the bag. How do you feel about a girl who only has one consonant in her name winning?" and "Congratulations on being the first off the bus to guaranteed obscurity!" OK, one. So, you know, help us if you'd be so kind.

Messing it up.

And the winner of "Project Runway" is...

Chloe.

Um. OK. So, here's the thing. We've always hated Debra Messing—her acting is terrible and her timing is deplorable. Because she was the celebrity guest judge on PR last night, today, we want to kill her. Of the three collections unleashed on the world, Chloe's "Awesome '80s Prom" collection was easily the most forgettable. Both Santino and Daniel V.'s collections, while nowhere near perfect, were oodles more interesting than Chloe's. A win by either of them would have been much preferred over Chloe's victory—a victory, we might add, that dear Chloe seemed nonplussed by. It was unfortunate that when Chloe's name was announced as the winner, the only thing we felt was a huge amount of relief that this show was finally over.

Debra Messing, what do you know about fashion?



Oh, right. Nothing.

What do you know about ruining entertainment?



Oh, right. Everything.

Well, perhaps next year a designer who deserves to win and a guest judge who deserves to guest judge will wrap up "Project Runway." Until then, enjoy this.



Another Project Rumway, please!

Go ahead.

Good evening, then. Enjoy the upcoming onslaught of crappy reality TV! And don't forget to drink, drink, drink!

Oh. Someone else would like to say good night...



Well, you didn't think you were going to get out of here without one more visit, didja?

OH! In late-breaking news, we just got a report that best-contestant-ever Camille of cycle 2 of "America's Next Top Model" was spotted being a complete bitch to the staff of a Manhattan restaurant. Which restaurant, you ask? Well, how do we put it? Um, let's see... well...

Taco Bell.

Adios!

Projected.

Oh, yeah! The second and final part of the "Project Runway" finale is on tonight. What with Chloe, Santino and Daniel V. being our final three choices, we nearly forgot! Well, since 0 of you asked, here's what we predict will happen this evening...

10 p.m: "Project Runway" begins on Bravo.
10.08 p.m: We finish watching the recorded premiere of "America's Next Top Model" and immediately retire to the kitchen to whip up a few Project Rumways for the guests.
10.23 p.m: We begin watching "Project Runway" on DVR.
10.26: We make more Project Rumways as we've all downed the first round from sheer boredom.
10.38 p.m: Daniel V.'s runway show begins. As expected, one guest falls asleep. We pry the Rumway from his hand and adopt it.
10.46 p.m: Chloe's runway show begins. Another guest makes for a window, opens it and jumps, all before anyone can grab his drink. The money for the broken glass will come out of his funeral expenses.
10.55 p.m: Santino's runway show begins. The remaining guest(s) marvel(s) at how drunk he/they is/are and that, because of his/their impaired faculties, when he/they look at Santino's designs, they almost make sense.
11.10 p.m: Heidi Klum announces the winner. Fortunately, we have moved on to watching the "Arrested Development" season one DVD. We're sure we'll hear about who the winner is at some point and feel a brief shiver of happiness for him/her. And then we'll drink some more, close our eyes, and see this...



AAHHHH! We mean this...



There. Better. Much better.

ADDENDUM:
For faithful reader Tom, here is the recipe for a Project Rumway:

1 part coconut rum
2 parts pineapple juice
Splash of pomegranate juice

Combine in tall glass with ice and, for a special touch, add chilled pomegranate seeds.

Enjoy!

Et 2, U2?

Here are the top 10 musical moments from Saturday Night Live, according to the Onion A.V. Club. Yes, of course, the Sinead O'Connor Pope incident is included. Oh. You forgot who Sinead O'Connor is? OK. No prob. Just imagine a white version of this...

Stop. Movie quiz time.

Which of these unfortunate statements is true?

A.) Debbie Harry will sing the theme song to the upcoming Transformers movie.

B.) Lion's Gate Films will release in May a new 3-disc "Racial Tensions" edition of its "Best Picture" Oscar-winning film, Crash.

C. ) Harvey Weinstein said that the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie the Weinstein Company is financing will be much grittier than the first.

D.) Bryan Singer, director of Superman Returns, claims he wants to make his own live-action movie based on the Garbage Pail Kids characters, this time done well.

For your answer, click on the most horrifying thing you see right now.

Bananas Foster.

Ladies and gents, the lesbiest thing ever.



Honestly, we had a nightmare that looked and sounded a lot like that last night. The scariest part was when the three Jodie Fosters suddenly became one and turned into...



Boy, that was frightening.

Sawyer, found.

As there won't be a new "Lost" tonight, as usual, here's a pic of Sawyer and random waitress in Hawaii...




Yes, we're the only site to feature such an extraordinarily interesting pic. No, don't ask us how we got it. Yes, Sawyer has amazing arms. No, we don't know how much he can bench. Yes, this was taken at a restaurant. No, they are not looking at the camera. Yes, their attention was diverted. No, we don't know by what. Yes, we do...

An old thing.

Ah. Martha Stewart and Sophia Loren. Together at last.



If one combined their ages, he'd get 393. If one combined their images, he'd get...

Shagged.

Um, Oscar-nominee Robert Downey, Jr.'s in The Shaggy Dog? With Tim Allen and Kristin Davis? Isn't he supposed to be sober?

Sorry.

To punish ourselves for that, we will stare at this for five minutes...

Crop-top Model.

First of all, kudos to Mandisa for singing "I'm Every Woman" on last night's "American Idol." No joke we could write could top that. So, thanx.

Second of all, we watched Crash last night. We think it's about racism, but we're not 100% sure. If only it could have been a little more unelegantly blatant, we might have gotten the point.

Third of all, UPN has so kindly provided a promo photo for tonight's two-hour "America's Next Top Model" premiere. As you may know if you're a devoted reader of this site (and god help you if you are), the first photo shoot will require the contestants to go bald. Initially we assumed this meant the girls' hair would be completely disposed of, which would have provided enough entertainment for maybe a month. However, we've since come to learn that no hair will actually be cut—the cue-ball look will either be the result of a bald cap or Photoshop. Eh. Anyway anyway anyway, the promo photo provided by UPN ties in with this theme. Are you ready for it? Really? Because it's a good one. OK. Here goes. Please swallow anything you may be drinking.

Harmony restored.

Oh. Just so you know. The Sci-Fi Channel has begun to air vintage episodes of "Passions" at 9 a.m. every weekday, so pour yourself a MarTimmy, keep clear of original (and best) Kay and fall in love with anorexic Charity all over again!

Full car.

It's OK, sweetheart. Life was easier as Michelle.

Monstrous.

Oh, sorry, here's a photo of the entire Charlize Theron Oscar dress. It's the first time we got a look at the whole horrifying thing, so we wanted to share, just in case you're as out of touch as we are...

You're an event planner? Get in the cab.

Are you a firefighter? A pilot? A CEO? You are?! Well, then, sir or ma'am, you have what we call in the industry a...

SEXY JOB!

That's right—the list of top 10 sexiest jobs of 2006 has been published, and Mr. Firefighter, you're #1 in sexy! Of course you are. We know this for a fact—the 0 firefighters we've dated were all completely, utterly sexy. True, the 0 pilots were hot, too, and we can't forget about the totally sexy 0 police officers. But, yeah, those 0 firefighters were the most four-alarm fun!

Oh, you don't know what a sexy firefighter or CEO looks like? Rest easy—Netscape has provided a helpful "Sexiest Jobs" slide show. No, really. Seriously. Just click on the link below the photographs of the firefighter and CEO. Oh, right. You probably can't if you don't know what they look like. Hmmmm. Well, here's what an interior designer (#8 sexiness) looks like...



...so, you know, maybe use that as a springboard and try to work it out.

Anyway, hoo-ray for SEXY, SEXY, SEXY JOBS!

How much is that doggie in the babushka?

Well, there's this.

A Busey.

Oh, wait, here's another Oscar memory...

Might as well jump.

Good morning. We hope you missed us. Had we been around yesterday, you can be sure this site would have been filled with Academy Awards commentary equally as entertaining as the broadcast itself. Alas, you were spared the commentary (and, if you're lucky, the broadcast, too).

Rather than try to sum up in one post what we would have written, enjoy this photo of Eddie Van Halen arriving at Elton John's Oscar party. It nicely illustrates how we felt at 11:30 p.m. Sunday evening...

Oh, hush.

Well, folks, it's been quite a week for the NB. Noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker said our name three times. We were interviewed. And, finally, we went to bed last night completely sober. Sheesh. We're exhausteds!

Naynayway, we have to do a bit of traveling this weekend—there's a "How to Get the Most Work Out of Your Least Workers" convention in Miami that we're attending, so all will be quiet around here until Tuesday. You go enjoy a long weekend without us. We'll be fine. Honey, we'll be fine. Go. Enjoy. Please.

Take care. 'til Tuesday, then...

Faulty design.

As much as we newly love Santino, and we do (come on—he had to couch surf in LA, while stupid Chloe had to escape from an internment camp in Laos. Nice playing the rice card, Chloe, but we're not biting.), we would never, ever put our mouth anywhere near his body, most especially his mouth. And if we did, we certainly wouldn't send it to our friends' blog for posting. God, we feel totally gross just linking to this thing, but a blurry cell phone pic taken by your friend of you calculatedly kissing Santino is maybe the most hilariously unfortunate thing we've seen all minute...



Reader, for this brief moment, doesn't it feel good to be you?

Hello?

HELLO! magazine reports that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are still very much in love with each other, as clearly evidenced by this photo...

Good luck, but good night.

Last year, in honor of the Academy Awards broadcast, we marvelously presented a history of Oscar fiascos. This year, in honor of the upcoming Academy Awards broadcast, we'll be the fiasco. You see, we're not really that excited about the show this year. Sure, Jon Stewart's a card and it will be terribly exciting to hear "bitches" uttered during the ceremony. But, really, eh.

OK, fine, we're rilly lazy today, and the interns are on a bus trip to Woodbury Commons, so we have even less help than usual. That said, here's what you can find in this year's Oscar goody bag. Or, rather, what you can't find as you're obviously not attending. Chances are if you're reading this site, you can't even afford a TV. Anyway, here's the swag (how sad it is that the Cheese Impresario will once again be passing by our door).



And, because you didn't ask, here are our predictions for the winners of the top categories:

Best picture: Brokeback Mountain
Best director: Ang Lee
Best actress: Reese Witherspoons
Best actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Best supporting actress: Rachel Weisz
Best supporting actor: Matt Dillon
Best original screenplay: Crash
Best adapted screenplay: Brokeback Mountain

Semper snoozefest! Oh well, at least Robert Altman is getting an Oscar. Finally. Nashville and 3 Women are two of our most favoritest movies. If you haven't seen both, do yourself a favor: be a good fag and go rent them. NOW.



Happy Oscaring!

The doctor is in Target.

When Patrick Dempsey comes to Tyler, Texas, it gets so bananas that Target employee K'lyah Phillips can't even speak with correct spelling...

"Oh, there all like, 'There's Patrick Dempsey. There's Patrick Dempsey."

...and the hands holding the cell phones start shaking!



Oh, sweet, sweet Dr. McDreamys, look what you've done. LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!

Please, no more-a.

Naima ("America's Next Top Model"'s cycle 4 "winner") celebrated her birthday...



...by multipliying...



The joke always was on us, wasn't it? OK, girls, now go pluck Nicole's eyebrows, would ya? Thanx.

The celluloid cutout bin.

And, finally, what do the films Oliver!, My Fair Lady and Chicago all have in common? If you said they're all musicals, give yourself five points for being correct in general and then take five points away for not being correct in this instance. These films are, according to Premiere magazine (yes, it apparently still exists), some of the top 10 worst "Best Picture" Oscar winners of all time. Also included on that list are Around the World in 80 Days, The Greatest Show on Earth, The Great Ziegfeld and, thanks god, the entirely bogus and overrated American Beauty. We don't know what the remaining three films are, but we have to assume they're all The English Patient.

As well, they've compiled a list of the top 10 best "Best Picture" Oscar winners of all time, but who gives a shit.

Nighty night!

80, girl, 80.

NYC Mrs. Garrett fans, rejoice! (Fans of good musicals, better luck next time.)

Krypton, 'aight?

Um, if it's not Helen Slater, it's not Supergirl.

A little careful. A very little.

This is more fun and not as outdated as the previously posted Hermione pics. It's a transcript of a sex chat between Clay Aiken and yet another online hookup. Jesus, Clay, leave some for the rest of us!

Let her not eat cake.

Now that you're in the mood for quizzes, who said this?

"Your husband called here a few minutes ago and told us you weren't allowed to have dessert. In fact, we've been told that no one at the table can have dessert—because you'll eat it."

A) Al Reynolds
B) Carnie Wilson's husband, if she's even married
C) David Furnish
D) Kevin Federline
E) All of the above

Click here for the official* answer!



*We'd go with "E," but we don't have conclusive evidence.

A Leaf by any other name.

How much do you know about Joaquin Phoenix?

Really?

Honestly?

Walk the line, bitches. Walk the line!

Drinkus alcoholus.

Hermione!

Sexy pictures of Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Here's Johnny Rhys Meyers's February L'uomo Vogue photospread. Nothing funny about this, obviously. We just want some extra traffic. Thanx!

Finale approach.

How 'bout that "Project Runway" finale? Yeah. How 'bout it. Yeah. Well, it did inspire one idea...

Voiceover: Coming soon—a Bravo original sitcom.
Gay lispy voice: Hello!
Gayer lispy voice: Hello!
Asian voice: Herro!
(Techno vaudeville music in a pentatonic scale begins)
Voiceover: From the makers of "Project Runway" comes... "Two Gays and an Asian"!
(Ends with huge "gong")



Great until the final three had to pick assistants from the pool of eliminees for a totally unfair (read: wonderfully hilarious) last-minute challenge. Daniel picked Nick, which was smart aesthetically and politically. Santino picked Andrae because Daniel picked Nick. And Chloe picked... Diana. Chloe clearly wants to return to the heart of Texas and her den of Asian ladies. Which is fine. We're fatigued of her fatigue. Anyway...

Voiceover: Coming soon—a Bravo original sitcom.
Gay lispy voice: Hello!
Gayer lispy voice: Hello!
Gayerer lipsy voice: Hello!
Nick: Hello!
Asian voice: Herro!
Asianer voice: Herro!
(Techno vaudeville music in a pentatonic scale begins)
Voiceover: From the makers of "Project Runway" comes... "Four Gays and Two Asians"!
(Ends with enormous "gong")



Oh, and kudos to "Lost" for an episode that, despite focusing on annoying Claire and her annoying baby, was as good as the early season two episodes. We can't wait for the next new episode. On March 22.

Seriously. You're killing us. For real.

And you thought Katrina was bad.

What's more disturbing than Mardi Gras? Sean Astin tossing his beads and Elijah Wood kissing a girl at Mardi Gras. And Michael Keaton, Dan Akroyd and Willie Nelson. All at Mardi Gras. Sacre fuckin' bleu!

Sixasperated.

Oy. Just oy. Jenna von Oÿ, in fact.

America's Next Top Caller, finis.

Guess who called back.



For real. Jackie. For a second Interjaction in which she, no lie, asked Ken Mok if she could be the head of the official ANTM fan club. She basically asked for a job, which would be totally brilliant if she'd a) asked for a real job and b) wasn't completely serious. Alas, Ken did not offer Jackie a job. What Jackie did manage to accomplish was to set off the "If the crazy calls back it's time to end the teleconference" alarm.

And so we had our final caller, Jared. He asked if Jayla had actually stolen the granola bars in the last cycle of the show. Ken said they didn't have the video to prove she did but that they believed she did. This would have been an exciting exchange if we had any recollection of who Jayla was, but, obviously, once a cycle ends, all relative information is mercifully destroyed by our synapses.

Ah, well. After Jared, the hourlong teleconference ended, but not before noted fashion photographer NB had a chance to let underwhelming has-been Web site NB know that cycle 6 of "America's Next Top Model" is maybe his favorite cycle so far. Does this NB believe him?

Well, do we?



Sure, Nigel.

America's Next Top Caller, circa 12.

Brandon was the gayest and, therefore, most infuriating caller of the evening. His opening went something like, "Heyguys. I'm going to ask the first dramatic question of the night. FI-nally!" Then he proceeded to ask a question that instead of being dramatic was more, how do you say, entirely forgettable. We'd like to remind Brandon that just because it's spoken with a lisp doesn't make it more important.

Here's an artist's rendering of Brandon:



What we learned from Brandon's interaction:
According to Ken Mok, everyone worked as hard as they could to get Adrianne Curry work after cycle 1, but it just didn't happen. However, according to Jay, Adrianne is very successful. She just happened to choose "celebrity" over "modeling" and, because of this success, is marrying a Brady. And if you think we're making this up, well, that's your choice to make.

America's Next Top Caller, circa 11.

The next was another gay. Lee Wang. Seriously. Nigel made a point of saying his full name, which was totally awesome. Lee Wang was obviously Asian. Also, Lee Wang would not shut up. He'd ask a question, they'd give an answer, and he'd be ready with the next one. It wasn't so much a Jackie situation as it was a machine one, which made it slightly more tolerable. And no one hung up on Lee Wang.

Here's an artist's rendering of Lee Wang:



What we learned from Lee Wang's interaction:
Despite having been on the phone for four hour, Lee Wang basically only managed to find out that the producers are not behind the selection of who's going to be the "main character" of each cycle. According to Ken Mok, "I do not create reality." Truer words were never spoken, Ken. We appreciate that.

America's Next Top Caller, circa 10.

What happened after #6 is a blur, as well. We do know that occasional partner-in-hilarity Zach of True Enough for You was in there somewhere. He will probably have a better and more comprehensive recap of this "event" on his site later today.

The circa 10th caller was a girl named what sounded like Cyrone but who we will refer to as Sirene. Once we adapted her name for our liking, she became a diminutive French waif.

Here's an artist's rendering of Sirene:



What we learned from Sirene's interaction:
Though "Fairy Tales Come True" is the theme of this cycle, the photo shoots will not reflect said theme. However, Nigel made it clear that "there are fairies on the show." Jay was not amused. If he had any nerves left untanned, he probably would have blushed.

America's Next Top Caller #s 5–whatever.

This is where it gets tricky, folks. After Rich's call ended, we were put through to the teleconference. We had to turn our computer down and listen to the event live over the phone. Which means we were not listening at all. Alas, caller #5 is a mystery to us. Caller #6? His name was Matt, and he sounded erudite, handsome and completely hilarious.

Here's an artist's rendering of Matt:



What we learned from Matt's interaction:
First, that, even though this cycle's girls seem to be older and taller than the girls from previous cycles, the producers didn't have any certain image in mind when they were choosing contestants. Which we think is a lie. Anyway, that's not important. Here's what's important:

Matt: Can I ask you one more question, Nigel?
Nigel: Sure, Matt.
Matt (swooning): When Tyra screamed at Tiffany during cycle 4, were you horrified?
(Laughter from Jay followed by silence. Finally:)
Nigel: Yes.
(Silence.)
Matt: Thanks very much, guys! Goodbye!

America's Next Top Caller #4.

Finally! A male. Albeit a gay male. But obviously every male who called in was gay. This one's name was Rich. He seemed pleasant, though we expected a more intriguing question than "Will cycles 2 through 5 be released on DVD?"

Here's an artist's rendering of Rich:



What we learned from Rich's interaction:
Ken Mok, ANTM executive producer, admitted that the sales of the first-cycle DVD tanked and that there were no plans to release the subsequent seasons. As Viacom does own the show (along with 82.3% of the world's fresh water), VH-1 does air marathons of the various cycles from time to time. Also, Tyra and Jay, when out on the town together, sometimes go into Virgin Megastores et. al. and autograph copies of the first season sets still on shelves, so you may want to check out those unbought sets the next time you're in a store! (Of course, we did spend 9 p.m. to 1 a.m. last night hitting each Virgin and Tower in the city to sign each unbought cycle one set with "Kisses! Tyra" and "XOXO Jay!", but who'll know the diff?)

America's Next Top Caller #3.

Then came Susan. We couldn't glean much from Susan, but obviously, because her name is Susan, she's most likely Asian.

Here's an artist's rendering of Susan, mid-conference:



What we learned from Susan's interaction:
The producers do not look for any specific quality in contestants—they look for girls who have the face, the walk and attitude to be a top model. Or, at least, Eva.

America's Next Top Caller #2.

Next, we had Stella. She seemed kind of nondescript, though anyone named Stella really should be memorable. Alas, she failed.

Here's an artist's rendering of Stella:



What did we learn from Stella's interaction?
The ideas and themes for the photo shoots are the genesis of a collborative effort between the judges and producers.

America's Next Top Caller #1.

We're going to recap the conference as best we can, caller by caller. (Don't worry, apparently only 3 people were invited to participate in this event, so it won't be too much.)

First caller:
Jackie
We picture her as a large twentysomething TOTALLY, YOU GUYS into everything Top Model because, as the conversation progressed, she apparently thought the teleconference was the "Just Jackie" show. Nigel, with the swift and luxurious pressing of a button, finally hung up on her. For reals. It was a sublime moment. Jay Manuel even commented on his action.

Here's an artist's rendering of Jackie:



What did we learn from Jackie's interaction (AKA the Injerjaction)?
The judges do not see any recorded footage from the house or photo shoots before making their elimination decisions. The only help they get is a note from Jay Manuel regarding the girls' behavior at the shoot(s).

What did the short gay say to the noted fashion photographer?

Oy. Just oy. Jenna von Oÿ, in fact.

OK. So, yes, there was an "America's Next Top Model" teleconference last night, and, yes, in a moment of unmitigated absurdity, we did speak to Nigel Barker.

Directly.

In fact, when we said, "Nigel, can I ask you one more question," he replied, "Sure, Matt*." We are working desperately to secure a sound file of the incident.

Honestly, do we really need to tell you anything else that happened? Probably not. However, we will...



But first, here's your one chance ever to find out about the quarter-wit behind this quarter-witted site. Let us give you a prime example of the sheer brilliance featured in this interview:

Who is the intended audience [of your blog]?
Smart, intelligent, good-looking glitterati. Actually reached? Drunks and teenage girls.

"Smart and intelligent"? Nice work! That's what happens when you fill out a questionnaire whilst enjoying some creme de menthe. Ah, well. The rest of the interview is decidedly not much better. However, there is a giant picture of your editor's head, so if you've always wanted something to throw your leftover General Tso's chicken at, well, eureka!

We'll be back in a few with highlights from our dinner with Nigel. And, yes, we realize we are majorly breaking our unwritten rule of never recapping anything about our life, but come on. It's Nigel Barker. Noted fashion photographer. And, as of last night, our BFF.

*That is the name of your editor. Set it and forget it.