Vatican City, the Vatican - In cooperation with the International Committee for Theoretical Accuracy, Christianity is recalling every New Testament published since 33. The recent discovery of the Gospel of Judas renders every such bible incomplete and, therefore, not completely accurate. As well, the ribbon pre-attached to the books for use as a bookmark has been known to wrap around yound children's pinky fingers causing dislocation and occasional dismemberment.
The International Committee for Theoretical Accuracy dictates that the newly uncovered Gospel of Judas will be added to all old New Testaments as a courtesy and, of course, will appear in all new New Testaments beginning today. Both new and old Old Testaments obviously do not apply, unless they contain the aforementioned pre-attached ribbon bookmark, in which case owner will have the option of having the Gospel of Judas added at no extra cost. All ribbons will be removed from all Testaments.
New Testaments include the books Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans, 1 Corinthians, 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Hebrews, James, 1 Peter, 2 Peter, 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, Jude, Revelation. The Gospel of Judas will most likely be placed between John and Acts, though a final decision has not been reached.
Christians should take the recalled bibles off their shelves and away from small children immediately and return them to the store, priest, relative, friend, co-worker, sponsor etc. who sold/gave the bible(s) to them. The recalled bibles will then be picked up by Vatican-approved vans designated with "WWJDN*" signs displayed in windows.
Please expect to receive your bibles within 4 to 6 business days, excluding holidays, excluding Jewish holidays.
Thank you for your cooperation.
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*What Would Jesus Do Now?
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