The Coffee Talk Companion: "Mrs. Whelchel Goes to Washington."

(Ed. note: We hope to make this Lisa Whelchel Coffee Talk commentary a regular feature called, as you can see, The Coffee Talk Companion. Not because anyone asked for it, of course. Simply because we can count on it for material. Fine! It's the possibility of new Casey pics. Shut up.)

Lisa Whelchel pulls a little non-linear storytelling on us this week. Very nice. This week's Coffee Talk post concerns her visit to the Foursquare Convention in Washington D.C., an event that preceded Casey's wedding, the topic of last week's Coffee Talk post. In case you forgot what Casey looks like, here's a reminder...

The Foursquare Convention is produced by Lisa's husband Steve, and it inevitably has something to do with Christ, though we're not sure what because we hate Christ (Kidding! We merely do not accept him.). Instead, we're interested in the more mundane details of the D.C. visit, like this...

I’ve been on the regular White House tour many times over the years but this was especially exciting. To actually see the Oval Office and the outside of the Situation Room and visit the Rose Garden was a thrill. Of course, like most everything you see on TV, everything was a lot smaller than I imagined. (Keep that in mind the next time you see me on TV, okay.)

Ooooh! Is there going to be another Facts of Life reunion movie?!? Because we can't, for the facts of life of us, figure out why else Lisa Whelchel would be on television.

It was also a lot less glamorous than I would have thought. (This is equally true of me.)

Lisa! Stop it. You're killing us. We never thought you were glamorous. Come on. But we do appreciate the modesty.

The White House really is an old building and, in many places, it looks like a really old building.

We kind of think the above was the answer Lisa got when she ran into the President and asked him to tell her about the White House. To which she probably replied, "Of course, like most everything you see on TV, everything is a lot smaller than I imagined. (Keep that in mind the next time you see me on TV, okay.) To which he replied, "Who are you?"

The Press Room was especially run down, but that is also the place where we had the most fun as a family. (Did you know that this room is built over the old swimming pool?)

This is yet another one of Whelchel's now-famous incidents of non-qualification. How, pray tell, did the family have fun in the White House Press Room? Did Clancy pretend to be Helen Thomas while a curt Tucker-portraying Tony Snow pretended she wasn't there? And where was Haven in all this? Swimming? For the love of god, we needs details, woman!

Oh, wait, here's where Haven was...

Haven participated in something especially exciting while in town. She rode on the back of a Harley with “Big Al” of a Christian Motorcycle Club in the “Rolling Thunder 2006.” Almost 500,000 motorcycle riders rode down Constitution Avenue to remember the Veterans of War. She had a fabulous time and came back to the hotel telling me about all the wonderful people she met, declaring she wants to ride in a club when she grows up. Yikes! Not my baby – on a motorcycle – on the street!

Oh, Jesus. Ya can't let your kid ride on a motorcycle once and then, when she totally hearts it, tell her she can't do it again. Unless, apparently, it's not on the street. Here's a tip, Haven: tell her you're going to ride it on the sidewalk. She never said you couldn't. We all have the evidence. But make sure it's a Christian hog, of course. A Harley-Robertson, or something. (Sorry. That was awful. We know.)

Oh, here's a pic of Haven and "Big 'Not Gay' Al":

We sure hope you washed your hands after, Have (pronounced "have," obviously)!

After a short description of a visit to the National Cathedral, bien sûr, for a "Tea and Tour," the entry once again becomes Haven-centric:

Wednesday, Haven and I drove to Purceville, Virginia to visit Patrick Henry College, where she plans to attend school in just a few too few years from now.


We had lunch with the president, Dr. Mike Farris.

Wow. Sounds very nice.

This visit only sealed the deal in Haven’s mind and it made me feel a lot better about her moving so far away so soon.

OK. That's good for both mom and daughter. Peace of mind is valuable.

By the way, I would highly recommend you consider this college if you have a child thinking about higher education.

It certainly sounds inviting so far.

It is a smaller college, but I like that.

We do, too. More attention, less interruption. Very good.

The education is unparallel, the environment is uniquely Christian...

Oh, for fuck's sake. And it was going so well. Here's the thing, Lisa. We love gin. We believe in gin. But do we go around to every fucking person and place and make sure they endorse gin and are thinking about it all the time? No, we don't. Why? Because we keep our fanatic alcoholism to ourself. Maybe the person next to us would rather shoot up than get drunk. That's fine. As long as he's not hurting anyone, we're happy to accept whatever's necessary to help him sleep at night. There's a lesson there, Lisa, and it doesn't come from the Bible. It comes from life. Or, rather, avoiding life.

Hanyway, later that night...

Wednesday evening was definitely a highlight, for the whole family - the whole convention, for that matter.. The Newsboys led the worship. In one sense, it was hysterical. For starters, someone had the bright idea to honor the pastors who had been in ministry 50 and 60 years on the same night. This meant the 70, 80, and 90-year-olds were all seated on the front row. Clancy was sent to the drugstore just before the service began to purchase 25 pair of earplugs. (Everything in this paragraph is [sic], by the way. Just so you know.)

This actually sounds kind of entertaining. Oldies being honored is always a good time (see: any acceptance speech of a Lifetime Acheivement Academy Award recipient).

But these oldtimers (or forerunners, as they are called around here)...

Nothing like honoring the elders by naming them after an SUV.

...loved it! It was so funny to see them on their feet clapping, singing, and dancing! Yes, I did say dancing. Actually, the whole crowd was way on into it. Which is especially interesting because the median age was somewhere around 40. According to my children that is really too old to be dancing and jumping and lifting your hands, but that didn’t stop any of us.

Seriously, Tucker, Haven and Clancy, we're with you. You're lucky to even have hands at 40! Sheesh.

Tucker was privileged to spend the day hanging out with the band and their crew. He even got to be “assistant guitar tech for the day.” After the concert, we all got to attend a little reception for the band. What amazingly nice guys!

In all fairness, we do have to applaud Ms. Whelchel here for the correct spelling of "privileged." We take the bad, but we also take the good. (Yes, there will be a "take the good, take the bad" joke in each of our Coffee Talk recaps. Sorry.) Here's a pic of the fam with Yul Brynner Peter, the lead singer of the Newsboys:

Nice eyeliner, dude! Though, honestly, would Jesus have done that?

Oh, and, is it just us, or is Tucker beginning to be...hot? OK, we rilly can't deal with having crushes on two Whelchels. Lisa, please ask Jesus for our forgiveness. Thanx.

The rest of the entry is dedicated to excerpts from a sermon given by some guy during the convention. We won't subject you to that, obviously. You can experience all the excruciating wordage for yourselves.

Finally, Lisa wraps up with this:

As you go about your days, you may think to yourself, “I wonder what Lisa did in this situation?” or “I wonder what Lisa thinks about this?” or “How did Lisa handle this challenge?”

Now she's talkin'! Why, just the other day we drove by a Target, and we wondered, Would Lisa refer to this as "Target" or the more suburbanly humorous "Tar-jay." Or would she forego naming the store all together and opt for "The main competitor of Wal-Mart, the discount store we usually go to but couldn't today because Clancy really had to use the restroom and there wasn't a Wal-Mart or Sam's Club in sight"?

If so, send me an email with that question.

Done and done.

I will store them in a special place and occasionally I’ll pull out a topic that seems to be creeping up more often than others and simply offer my point-of-view.

You know what to do here, folks.

After all, I think that is what discipleship is all about - walking together on this parenting journey and learning things along the way. Can I join you on your journey?

As long as we can continue on yours, Lisa. As long as we can continue on yours.


Anonymous said...

that was maybe one of the funniest things i've ever read.

Anonymous said...

My goodness you have too much time on your hands. Effective immediately I will be giving you more widgets as part of your daily allottment. I might have spelled that wrong. Risko