The Coffee Talk Companion: "Sarah, Plain."

In this week's thrilling episode of Coffee Talk, Lisa introduces us to one of her BFFs, Sarah. But not before reminding us for the Christteenth time that she has three teenagers:

I have three teenagers, therefore, I'm immersed in hormones, and relationship fissures, and daily life-altering drama.

"I'm immersed in hormones." Wow. The kicker is she then manages to repulse us even more...

You, on the other hand, may be drowning in dinner dishes, and Dora & Diego, and doodie diapers (and other duties.)

Nice. Though we'd have spelled "doodie," "doody." Right?

Anyway, onto Sarah, the latest Whelchel friend/relative to be involuntarily exposed via the wiretap that is Coffee Talk...

I met Sarah when I moved to Texas almost three years ago. Her husband was the Student pastor at our church. I could tell I was going to like this girl right away so I immediately invited her to be a charter member of my new Lone Star state MomTime group.

Ooooh. A charter member. Lucky Sarah. So, Whelchel moves to Sarah's town, yet Sarah is the one finding herself indoctrinated into a lunatic cult.

Er, how did Sarah feel about that?

I just love Sarah, and I know you will, too.

Right, right, right. It's a cult. We'll have to trust the leader, as Sarah is not allowed to speak. Well, unless she's allowed to speak. Which, unfortunately for us and for this site, this week she is...

That is why I called her a few weeks ago and asked her if she would consider writing for me occasionally from the perspective of a mom in the toddler trenches. Unbeknownst to me, it just so happened, (don't you love it when God puts something together and you thought it was your idea,) Sarah had just begun blogging her mommy journey.

We're thrilled that God is apparently the Nick Denton of mom blogs, but we're pretty disappointed at what we feel is a continued move to laziness on Lisa's part. (For the beginning of this unfortunate downslide, please refer to last week's Coffee Talk Companion.) We have been known to post up to 10 times a day here, Whelchel. Is once a week really that much? Do we need to send you on a silent fasting retreat? And no dog this time!

Perfect! So, for those of you who want to leave me for a younger mother then you will want to check out Sarah’s blog, "In the Midst."

She's obviously not listening to us. And the only person we'd leave Lisa for is Casey. In fact, why can't Casey be the guest contributor instead of this whore, Sarah? (See, this Sarah business is so unnerving that we've been forced to sink to the random and unjustified use of "whore.")

If you really don't have time to read one more thing, then rest easy, I plan to share more of Sarah's mommy musings in the future. So, without further ado, my friend, my "mini-me," my favorite library card holder, Sarah!

For fuck's sake. You know, we do do our "best" to entertain, but there is just no way we are going to comment on Lisa Whelchel's "mini-me'"s (???) Coffee Talk contribution. We thought about it for .03 second. But no. Nuh way. Uh uh. Nope. Sarah was not on one of our favorite '80s TV shows. Sarah did not amusingly become a born-again Christian after finishing said TV show. And Sarah does not have a Casey. She only has a Pace.

Yes, it's also gayish, but, no, it's no Casey.

Here's this week's thing. Lisa, you've deprived us and our readers this week of the one reason both our and your site is barely worth reading. Yes, we take the good, but this is just too bad for us to take (sorry—we forgot to use it last week, so we figured we'd really force it in here this time).

Hence, we're going to have to skip Sarah entirely and go to Lisa's biting final words...

Don't ya' just love her?

No, Lisa, we don't. And, truth be told? We kind of hate you right now, too.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Fuck you, Lisa Whelchel!