Answers.

And, no, of course we didn't not watch the Lost finale. Here's what we learned:

1.) If you begin the season with a terrible wig...



...you apparently must end the season with a terrible wig.



2.) Desmond looks almost attractive with short hair.
3.) There's a giant hungry parrot on the island, and it knows who's hoarding the food.
4.) New mom Claire and her enormous 3-day-old baby apparently still aren't important enough for shelter.
5.) If you let the numbers on the timer get to 00:00, everything goes flying, except planes.
6.) We still loathe Michael and hope his boat explodes, Walt or no Walt.
7.) Taylor Hicks caused our DVR to stop recording from 10:08 p.m. to 10:11 p.m., so we hope he explodes, too.

That's it, right? Oh, and we were going to provide photos for each of the above, but everyone in the fucking world is trying to look at screencaps of last night's episode right now. This post is late crappy enough as it is.