"Punch" being the key word.

Well, coffee's so not happening. So, in honor of May Day, we found this recipe for A Simple May Day Punch. Here's what you'll need:

One Can Frozen Strawberry Fruit Juice

One Can of Water

One 1 liter bottle of Club Soda or Seltzer Water

Strawberries

Sweet Woodruff

Because we have no one to get us strawberry juice, strawberries and sweet woodruff, we're going to use:

One Cup Mixture of Months-Old Cranberry Juice and Pineapple Juice

One "Can" of Water

One Liter Bottle of Club Soda

Skittles

Rum

Once you have these ingredients, you just combine them and drink. Oh, make sure you're not typing and combining at the same time unless you want rum all over your desk. God damn it. And now it seems we're supposed to clean this up ourselves? This no-immigrant business is not cool, especially so close to Cinco de Mayo.