Admission of guilt.

Before we go, we'd like to say something that's been troubling us for a long time. This may come as a shock to our regular readers, and it certainly will to our friends and family. But it's something we feel is due for public airing. It's only fair to those involved.

Ten years ago, we killed JonBenet Ramsey in the largest, most luxurious oceanview bungalow at the Four Seasons Hotel in Hualalai, Hawaii. In order for us to recall the exact details, we'll need to be flown there, nonstop, from either Newark or JFK (preferably JFK). And we'll need at least ten days there (three meals a day, plus dessert at night) for everything to come back to us fully.

Thank you for your attention. Again, we apologize for the pain this statement will cause.

Oh, and we don't eat dairy.