7.26.2005

Jared Leto dumps Ashley Olsen, the exclusive story.



Star Magazine is reporting that Jared Leto has already dumped Ashley Olsen. A friend of the actor said, "Jared enjoyed his brief time with Ashley, but now he's not returning her calls. He's pretty much moved on." We sent interns Bianca and Jøsëf out on a fact-finding mission, and we can report that the "friend of the actor" is, as expected, none other than Brian Krakow, who's really not so much a friend as an acquaintance. Anyway, we got in touch with Krakow, and he told us the whole story...

Apparently, Ashley was sneaking out of her San Francisco house right under the noses of Uncle Jesse, Joey and her father, Danny Tanner, and paying Mary-Kate to sit in the high-chair for her. Ashley and Jared were meeting secretly in the park, or so they thought. Brian told us he'd actually heard about them meeting from Kyle and had to tell Angela Chase, obviously, and Angela told Rickie Vasquez, obviously, so they all began spying on Jared and Ashley in the park. Rayanne was pissed she wasn't included, but that's another story, and, anyway, Rayanne gets pissed at everything. At the Tanner household, Mary-Kate told D.J. and Stephanie what was up because Mary-Kate was having panic attacks from having to always cover for Ashley. Ashley's father, Danny Tanner, began to see how strange "Ashley" was acting and called D.J. and Stephanie into Uncle Jesse's bedroom, where they had a family discussion about why "Ashley" was constantly falling out of her high-chair. D.J. and Stephanie both lied, of course, and Kimmy Gibler fell off the ladder she was on so she could spy on the gang through the window. There was a crash, and Mary-Kate in a last desperate attempt to cover for her sister and to distract from Kimmy Gibler's shenanigans, walked into the room and said, "How wude!" but then collapsed and had to be resuscitated by Joey, who was fortunately dressed as a paramedic. The phone then rang, and Danny Tanner answered it. It was a mysterious voice that said, "You're daughter's in the park and she's acting like a whore." Tanner immediately hung up the phone, grounded Stephanie, told Joey to babysit and forced Uncle Jesse to take back the sports car he had bought for D.J. earlier that day. At the park, Rickie was crying and talking about how hard it was to be gay on such a beautiful night, much to the chagrin of Angela, who swore she glimpsed Rayanne at a nearby phone booth, and Brian, who was wondering why everyone was doing what they were doing. Suddenly, a car pulled up, and Danny Tanner emerged to see his actual daughter necking with Leto on the merry-go-round. He instantly told Ashley to "get in the car, young lady!" She replied with, "At least I'm not a coke fiend like my sister!" He yelled, "Stephanie is NOT a coke fiend!" which got thunderous laughs. Jared then tried to tell Mr. Tanner that Ashley was just tutoring him, but, by then, Angela had started lecturing him on dating the "right" girl versus the "wrong" girl. Ashley got in her father's car, and Mr. Tanner told Jared he wouldn't be seeing her again. Jared just stared at him with those crystal clear blue eyes. Angela hugged Jared. Rickie looked at the moon. And, as Sarah McLachlan played, Brian wondered when anyone would like him for who he was.

That's what we're told really happened...

4 comments:

Jen said...

Ha! It took me like 30 seconds to remember who Brian Krakow is. I'm racking the brain....Krakow...Krakow. Oh holy shit!

Anonymous said...

Awesome!

Anonymous said...

2 best shows ever! Full House and My So Called Life =]

Anonymous said...

Hahah.
This was hilarious!
I lurve Jared Leto alot, he's amazing.
His band is awesome.