Open letter #8.

Dear Howard Dean,

You're getting this letter this week because it seems as though you're going to be the next head of the DNC. To which, I say, I'm SO SORRY. Also, good luck! Here's the thing: all the Democrats need are candidates who will tell the public what it wants to hear, like abortion is bad, God is good, gays should stay in caves etc. Then, once they're elected, they can start free-abortion, gay-marrying carnivals in every city across this glorious nation. Honestly, it's all about finding a salesman. I used to have scruples about this, but fuck scruples already. Let's get lying! Just make sure they don't lie about anything that has to do with their personal lives and that's none of the public's business. If you follow this plan, I promise you your party will stop looking as pathetic as a gay Jew at a rodeo (yes, I've been to a rodeo).

What's going on in my life, doctor? Thank you for asking. We're in the new apartment. We're enjoying the space and the storage and the location. Two nights ago, however, the neighbors downstairs came up to tell us that water was pouring down their walls. I thought for sure it was because of the countertop dishwasher that I sort of know how to use, but no. Inside our crawlspace, there's what looks like a broken pipe which is completely leaking and rotting all sorts of wood. Meaning, basically, last night I had to remove all the boxes, some of which were wet, I put in the space to make room for repairs to be done. I'm kind of assuming that these repairs are going to require parts of walls being removed, but I'm going to think positively and hope it's all about replacing a simple part. Surely it is.

Also, I think a giant robot with hinged legs lives upstairs.

But I'm not complaining. OK, I am. But this is all leftover angst for not getting a carriage house with no upstairs neighbor or crawlspace with broken pipes. I should get over it soon, right? You're a doctor. Right? I should, right?

Is it crazy that at any moment I expect to be shot in the head and killed instantly?

Have a good day, doctor. This is short, but, really, I have nothing to say about the Super Bowl or another Middle East peace treaty. The bottom line is if you have any pull at the Container Store, send some gift certificates my way, would you?

Yours,
Matt

P.S. Maybe one day you'll be lucky enough to have a pizza party like the one I had yesterday.