Too often labored.

Jesus Christ. We go away for three days, and so much has happened! Why, from one site alone we get reports of all sorts of important news...

Britney Spears has some very inspiring words about motherhood for us. It seems she had lots of time to think over the long weekend...

Speaking of motherhood, Daryl Hannah is DESPERATE to have children. She's 44, and her time is running out, so she says. We say wait a few more years until time definitely runs out and then don't have children...

Speaking of time running out, Elton John is planning a sitcom based on the lives himself, Mick Jagger, Rod Stewart and David Bowie. If Julie Walters, Victoria Wood, Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders star, we're there faster than you can say "stomach pump." Otherwise, we'll put this in Sir Mr. John's long list of post '70s sinking ships...

Speaking of sinking ships, Sean Penn's did...

Speaking of did, Michael Jackson is undergoing a macho makeover for his next appearance, which apparently includes wearing shorter wigs and less makeup. Some guy named Michael Luckman is reporting this. He claims that once this makeover is complete, Jackson "is headed to the stratosphere." We're sure he means "Stratosphere," and that the lowercased "s" was just an oversight on the newspaper's part.