Cake, please.

Good morning. We hope you had a pleasant weekend filled with champagne and fat-free brownies. Speaking of which, thanks to the incomparable Datalounge, we were alerted to a few of Sandra Lee's semi-homemade holiday dessert recipes. This morning, we set up interns Nunzio and Chang-Bing with these ingredients:

1 (10 to 12-ounce) purchased angel food cake
1 container (16 ounce) vanilla frosting
2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 (21-ounce) container apple filling or topping
1 (1.7-ounce) package corn nuts
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds, toasted
1/2 cup popped popcorn
Kwanzaa candles

By 6pm this evening, we better see this on our kitchen table:



We will NOT have another Kwanzaa without a corn-nut-filled Kwanzaa cake. Doesn't that look delicious? If you want to try it the recipe is here, but, remember, the above cake only serves eight. That's right. Eight. So you might want to make a few to accommodate all your Kwanzaa guests who will, once served this, never, ever return.

Now, for the non-blacks, Sandra Lee has other holiday cakes, of course. What's more attractive AND Jewish than this Star of David angel food cake?


















Nothing. That's what. Please pay special attention to the last instruction of the recipe: Remove pearls before cutting and serving. No one wants bubbe and zaida ruining the Festival of Lights by choking on little pieces of plastic. Again.

Finally, for all you Christies, here's Sandra Lee's Classic Holiday Wreath Cake. At least that's what it says. The accompanying photograph seems to be of Sandra Lee's poinsettia cole slaw, which, truth be told, we made for a Christmas brunchtide yulemeal last year, and it was huge. Huge. Literally. It was huge. No one ate it, of course, so we used it for bible Taboo. Don't ask.