Dear Charlotte Rae,
Tuesday, as all two NB readers know, is letter day here. Today, however, you may have noticed something a little different. Yes, this letter is addressed to Charlotte Rae instead of the usual al Qaeda. My therapist got very honest with me last week and told me he was a little worried about me writing letters to al Qaeda what with the Patriot Act and all (no, I'm not kidding). Of course, because I like my therapist, I'm now all paranoid and freaked out that the Pentagon will bust down the door to my apartment and haul me off to Guantanamo for sympathizing with the enemy. I do not want to be the new American Taliban, however sexy that is. So, the first person who popped into my mind after al Qaeda was Charlotte Rae (I'm also not kidding about that one). Charlotte Rae won me over at a young age with her charms, and I guess I see her as the antithesis to an organized, rapidly expanding terrorist organization. Hopefully the Pentagon doesn't have Mrs. Garrett on its Do Not Fly list.
Anyway, the main thing to report today is that a freezing and irresponsible homeless man may be my new hero. Yesterday, on the isle of Manhattan, a homeless man was trying to keep warm in the subway tunnels by lighting a small fire. Said small fire became a big fire and spread to a small room which housed a system of controls, relays and switches for the A and C subway lines. The fire completely destroyed the room and, with it, normal service on the A line and pretty much the C line all together. The A line is now running at 30-40% of normal capacity and the C line will return to service for three to five years. Yes. Three to five years.
So, Charlotte, why is this guy, who's still homeless, my hero? Well, the carriage house I so desperately wanted to live in is located on Ninth Avenue and 24th Street. The nearest subway line is the C-E. Now, granted, the E line is not affected, but it will be significantly more crowded because the C no longer exists. Those lines connect to the once-express A line at 14th and 34th Streets. Now, not only will the A not be express, but it won't show up very often. Two things I hate: crowds and waiting. Where I'm moving, the nearest subway is the N-R and 4-5-6. I will now have unchanged service to both the east and west sides. The A-C-E is not even in the picture for me anymore after this week.
So, to the investment banker who crushed my dream, I hope your livelihood depended on the A and C lines. Does this really make me feel better? Is this homeless guy really my hero? Let's say that being able to picture the investment banker, who probably works downtown where the fire was, getting all mad because some still-on-the-loose homeless guy fucked up his commute for the next three to five years does give me a bit of satisfaction. As does the fact that I won't need that line come next week. To all the other thousands of commuters, you have my sympathy.
Take care, Char. Love you in that Scissor Sisters video. Did John Cameron Mitchell force you to go to Doma with him to discuss his "vision"? Never mind.
P.S. Say hi to Conrad Bain for me.