1.03.2005

Islands 2.

The second in a series of imagined islands, far from the island of Manhattan, where certain people who deserve to be separated from general humanity shall be sent. One-way airfare, sunglasses, and SPF 30 are provided. As well, special requests can be submitted and will be considered on a case-by-case basis.

Celebrity Archipelago
This is a large group of small islands where celebrities who need to be separated from the rest of us will be sent in pairs. Each celebrity will be grouped with an appropriate partner, so he or she will be in good company and pose no threat to any differing mindsets. There will be absolutely no visitation by loved ones, if, in fact, actual loved ones exist.

Islet #1: Mel Gibson and Russell Crowe. Not only because they are Australian, but also because they are both utterly bananas.

Islet #2: Tom Cruise and John Travolta. For obvious, Scientologyfic reasons. If there are no leaders, who do the followers follow?

Islet #3: Anne Heche and Sean Young. Either they will find a way to get married, or they will be dead within 30 seconds of arriving. Either way, we'll never have to hear from them again. Yay!

Islet #4: Robert Blake and Phil Spector. They can blame each other for their respective Walls of Murder.

Islet #5: Julia Roberts and Renee Zellweger. Hopefully Renee will bring a gun to kill Julia because, while some talent does lurk behind that smushed-up kewpie doll face of Renee's, Julia Roberts's "million-dollar smile" has got to be some secret sign signaling a hostile alien race to destroy Earth.

Islet #6: Meg Ryan and Melanie Griffith. They stopped being useful years and years ago, and now only their lips and crazy get bigger. Adios!

Islet #7: Anthony Hopkins and Sean Connery. These guys can discuss, in their closed-mouth, ridiculously accented manners, how they stopped acting in the '70s yet still managed to win awards, make money and seem sexy to ladies 100 years younger than them.

Islet #8: Tom Hanks and Tim Allen. It just seems right, and no more hero or Christmas movies.

Islet #9: Rudy Giuliani and Al Sharpton. Because crazy comes in all colors, sizes and party affiliations. And because neither one is anywhere near admirable but has achieved celebrity by successfully hornswaggling the undiscerning and apparently amnesiac public. Get on the island, and shut the hell up, you two!

Obviously, there are an infinite number of islets to be filled. This is just a taste. Perhaps more will be detailed in the future. And feel free to leave suggestions in the Comments section, all 0 of you. And, yes, obviously Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown should get an islet, but they make everybody feel so much better about their lives that it would be a disservice to humanity to send them away.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

you discount your readership. all 1 of us. will you put anyone ever married to nicholas cage on an island? and maybe jay leno.

The NB said...

Yes, and oh yes. We can have a special island for all Nicolas Cage's exes, and perhaps Jay Leno can then go to a separate island with Nick Cage, just because it works out.

And, I will now change "all 0 of you" to " all 1 of you," whoever you are.