I paid $367.24 for this ticket, and all I got was a bunch of assholes.

Dear gay behind us at the Dolly Parton concert,
If you love that song so much, WHY ARE YOU TALKING THROUGH THE WHOLE THING?

Dear Asian behind us at the Dolly Parton concert,
Tell your gay to SHUT UP, and stop talking back to him. And, no, we don't care that you put that song on a mix tape.

Dear loud girl in cowboy hat screaming in our ear at the Dolly Parton concert,
"If you haven't anything nice to say, come sit next to me," was not originally spoken by Olympia Dukakis. It was spoken by Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

Dear lesbians sitting next to us at the Dolly Parton concert,

Dear Polish couple in front of us at the Dolly Parton concert,
When Ms. Parton is singing "Blowin' in the Wind," it's not time to have a domestic dispute in a loud, unwieldy language.

Dear Dolly Parton onstage at the Dolly Parton concert,
You sounded absolutely incredible. Now, let's talk about the show. "9 to 5" should not be performed up top. Neither should "Jolene." Switch "Here You Come Again" with "9 to 5," and then precede both "Two Doors Down" and "9 to 5" with, say, "The Seeker." And move these later in the show. Maybe give us a "Bargain Store" early. And definitely no more than one or two covers at a time. We understand that you have a cover record coming out, but no one wants to hear them live. And that's not meant in a bad way. It's just the truth. "Me and Bobby McGee" is fine but "Turn, Turn, Turn" and "If I Were a Carpenter" are not, especially back-to-back. And "I Will Always Love You" would make a great sentimental encore. Or, or, save "Two Doors Down" for a rousing encore. Speaking of which, who told you your 9/11 number, "Hello, God," was a good idea for an encore? Did someone advise you because you were in New York that we'd want to hear a 9/11 tribute song? Well, we don't. Ever. We want to slap our knees and clap our hands, just like the people in Tennessee want to do. And you know what else we want? At least one costume change. Just one. Oh, and no one should sing "Imagine" ever again. It's not even that good a song. Don't get us wrong—we adore you, Dolly, and we were honored to be in your presence. You handled the curtain and microphone malfunctions like a pro, and you were utterly charming. But you need to rethink the show—no roof should be left intact after one of your performances. We'll be happy to help. Just email us, sweetheart.


Anonymous said...

please tell me you didn't actually pay $400 for a dolly parton concert.

Anonymous said...

I am so lucky that today I woke up and thought, what did that nervous gay think of his Date with Dolly, after running to my Blackberry I see that you had what promises to be the best night ever, the genius of Dolly, and a torrent of mediocre fans. I love you, I love Dolly and I love Lori, although she obviously doesn't get the once-in-a-lifetime-ness of seeing One of the Thousands of performances offered by Miss Parton each year.

Anonymous said...

thank you, anonymous, I love you too -- and I apologize for not understanding the deep entertainment value of one Ms. Dolly Parton. I will try to work on my assessment skills.